The look of love

I'm not going to excite you with the details but starting to date someone is exciting. I honestly haven't had the pleasure of dating someone for the last 3 years and then 9 years before that.  So technically, I have not had a new relationship for over 12 years.

Unfortunately...it is not like riding a bicycle.  I am learning all over again, what it means to be a partner.

I know some may ask how I went from just meeting and agreeing to be exclusive about 4 days ago; to talking about being a partner.  Nothing in this relationship is normal to me.  But normal to me is sitting in my bedroom watching Netflix on my 15" laptop and the dogs taking up 3 of the 4 corners of my bed...that was normal.

Now, I have to allow for others.  Other's opinion, other's schedule, other's emotions and other's needs.  I don't think I'm going to nail this in a record time. I'm going to fumble at first; and I already have.

I assume that everyone shows emotions my way; the way I feel love (See the 5 Love Languages for pointers...seriously).  I am a demonstrative person. I will touch you, rub your back, make dinner, buy small items...that's how I show love.  I do not say it as regularly as I should because I don't need to hear it regularly.  I typically only say it after someone else has said it and I know that that is what they are looking for; to be told...in those words. Preferably without being prompted

I had a past relationship that required (in my mind) ungodly amount of need to be touched, loved (told) and catered to.  That is my wording...in reality, he probably just asked me to do it non-stop because I was not feeding his need for attention.  He NEEDED that and I chose not to do that. Mainly because he asked for it.

I see the stupidity in it now.  He was actually trying to help me so I could love him the right way.  I chose to ignore that.  The end result was a divorce; and rightly so.

Now...I am not blind to the irony.  Not only does my man have the same first name; but he has a lot of the same needs that the practice husband had...I think God is testing me.

So I don't want to mess this up. I don't have ANY intention in getting married again. That's not an option right now.  But I do want a relationship and that means WORK.  I have to work at being in a relationship and especially in a relationship with someone that has different needs then me.  It's my responsibility to ask what his needs are and to then tell him what I'm willing and able to do.  And not cut corners but step up and be willing.  Willing to do things differently because doing things the same way gets me the same results...heartbroken.  I don't think I can do that again.

And that's another point.  If I were to go into this with all intentions of just holding back a little bit because I'm afraid of getting hurt?  I'm going to fail.  And in order to learn and grow and try love...I have to give it my all.  I can't hold back.

I can wear safety gear to a project site but I've got to get my hands dirty to build anything.

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

This technically should be done on day 25 but I decided to quit doing the last 10 so you're getting the 2 or so that I still wanted to write about.

The reason I believe I am alive today is because of Milo and God.  At the time I would not have said God but looking back, it was always God that kept me alive when I so desperately wanted to be dead.

I know I've talked on here about my bipolar and how it affected me in my 23rd year.  I was miserable and drinking like a hobo.  I was blacking out when drinking but I was also blacking out when I was sober. It was my brain shutting down.  I would sit for hours on my couch and be surprised when I came to that 5 hours had passed. Poor Milo had to go to the bathroom but I was unresponsive.  This was the black period of my life.  If I could describe to you what depth of blackness it was, it wouldn't be enough to give you the idea of what I was experiencing. I just floated in darkness. There was no hope or end in sight. I just existed.

I would not sleep for days. I lived in Independence Missouri at that time and Independence is not known for being a safe place to be out at night, in certain areas. I lived in those areas.  But I would be walking Milo in the middle of the night; places I had no idea where I was. I would come to from a black out and it would be 3 in the morning and I didn't know where I was or how I had gotten there.  Luckily I have a good sense of direction and I ultimately would get us home. Might take me an hour but I would get there.  I can just imagine how tired Milo was after those episodes.

And red rages, God I was so angry. I didn't know at what or how to handle it but I would lash out at everything. Especially Milo.  That dog was put in my life to save it. I do not doubt that.  But the way I treated him was inexcusable. And I will do my part to make that up to him.  I will never forgive myself for it but he has.  He never shied away from me, cringing. He would sit there for a moment and then come over and put his head in my hand and just stand there til I calmed down. The dog was what I needed at the time.  Just writing this has brought back memories and I'm crying over the pain I put him through. I love that dog so much...

But it got hard to breathe. I was having a hard time leaving my apartment. I would call sick into work.  It was getting black all the time.

So I did what I had thought about my whole life. I took a bunch of pills.  What happened next is only what my neighbor told me.  But Milo went crazy. He was barking and scratching at the door.  She said she waited about an hour before she knocked on my door and when I didn't answer, she thought something might be wrong. Milo was going crazy still.  She called the complex and they brought the key over and, well...you can imagine.  Milo knew something was wrong and tried to help; that is the only thing I can think of.  Maybe he really needed to go outside or something but deep down in my heart, I think he saved me.  Milo and God saved me....

I went to the hospital; I'm not smart enough to actually take pills that would have done damage.  But they kept me under observation.  I called my Mom to tell her that they wanted to admit me to the phsyc ward. She thought I would be fine without going into the hospital and in her defense, they didn't understand the despair I was in at that time.  How black my life had gone.  But I wonder what my life would be life if I had gone in...would I have been more stable between 23 and 33?  I'll never know.

Shortly after that, my parents came to Independence (about 2 1/2 hours away from them) and brought me back to their house, where I stayed for awhile and then put the whole thing behind me and pretended nothing happened...until 2007...that's another story.

But Milo is still around.  He's 15 and he is still the love of my life.  He loves me so much, more then I deserve.  He has never cringed from me.  He will do whatever it takes to get in my lap and just lay there. And I will hurt so much when he is gone.  He is the only thing I have ever felt unhinged love for.  I love people in my life but I love Milo like no one else.  It will be a very very sad day in my life but I know he goes on.  I have to believe that God wants him as much as I want him.  And, some day, I get to be with the man of my dreams forever.

Reading

I used to lack passion in my life. I started off life with very little emotions. Mostly I spent every waking moment reading and listening to music. Books were an escape for me. I would travel the world; interact with people that weren’t going to hurt me. I had friends that I knew how they were going to react to situations because I had already read this book before. I reread books all the time. I don’t retain very well when I read. I read at an ungodly rate and so I’m constantly skimming books and still enjoying them, just at a fast pace. So I can read a book and a month or so later, reread it and be surprised by something I had forgotten. And then there are some books that I will just reread for the rest of my life because I enjoy them so much. There are a couple Stephen King books like that. A Chic-Lit book by Jennifer Cruise. Pride and Prejudice, Romeo and Juliet, etc.

When I was younger, I loved going to the library. On average I would check out 6 -8 books every two weeks and all of them would be read. Now I tend to go once a week, sometimes once every two weeks and I will check out 4 - 5, and read all of them. There was one time where my folks took us on a ski trip in Wisconsin. I had no desire to ski so I took 14 books with me. I read every single one in that week or so vacation. I know I spent a good portion of my life with my nose in a book. But I regret nothing. I truly love to read.


I used to just read certain authors. Never branching out to other genre’s even. But I made a promise to myself in 2009 that I wouldn’t read one Stephen King or Dean Koontz book all year. I bought a bunch of classic novels from Borders. They did this campaign of offering a whole mess of classics as a promotion. I bought a bunch of them and slowly read my way through a few of them and then just quit. I told myself I would do that again this year but I got sidetracked by a whole new genre. I had never really read a lot of Sci Fi but I am in love with Peter F Hamilton. I’ve read several of his books and have really enjoyed them. Another is Anne Bishop. WOW….love anything she has written. Neither of these are Stephen King or Dean Koontz. I’m branching out more. And I’m enjoying it. I use the hell out of the library because I can find a book that I like and then go to the library and check out all of them. I’ve also started going to the library and just looking at books that look interesting on the shelf. My library is a seriously sorry repository so I tend to just reserve on-line and pick up in person. Occasionally they’ll have a few books on display that are new and I’ll maybe pick one up. But I’m still pretty picky about what I read.


I do not read a lot of murder mystery books. I tend to guess the outcome pretty early on and I get bored. But I have to finish a book. I very rarely give up on a book. It’s this constant need I have to just KNOW EVERYTHING…I will go to great lengths to find out the truth on something. And a surprise? Forget about it…I’ll drag it out of you faster than chili goes through someone. I’m a bully and really good about manipulating things. And I’ve improved on that character defect in the last 2 ½ years but I still will try to squeeze every little thing out of a surprise or story.


Since I tend to skim books, I have about 3 or 4 going at the same time. I have one in my purse or computer bag, one or two in my bedroom and one or two downstairs in the living room. This means I have a lot of variety to choose from. Right now I have Burned from Ellen Hopkins and The Reality Dysfunction by Peter Hamilton in my bedroom. I have the Up and Down life by Paul E. Jones (nonfiction book about bipolar) and Shalador’s Lady by Anne Bishop in my living room. I have the Catcher In the Rye in my purse. And I can tell you what is happening in each of those books right now. I used to be able to not use a bookmark because I could remember what page I was on (in each of the books I was reading at one time) but I’m getting older and it’s harder to do that. So I have a bunch of receipts or used post–it notes for bookmarks. I don’t think I actually own a real bookmark. I guess I don’t need something with a little fuzzy string hanging off it.


Many of my books are a couple hundred pages. The Peter Hamilton one I’m reading now is over 630 pages. And I can’t read fast enough. I will read for hours without coming up for breath. I get so involved in the story that I begin to think it’s my reality sometimes. I come out from a book and I still have these people with their personalities and situations in my head and I have to literally come to my senses. I have to remember that I have to go to church or that I need to walk the dogs. Each time I leave a story I’m surprised about the time or the things I need to do and time is running out. I get so wrapped up in the story that I just want it to go on forever.


What about these Nooks or Kindle’s? I’m not interested in them. Not to mention they are insanely expensive and not worth it in my book but I love the touch of the book covers. The smell of the pages. The sound that pages make when you flip through them. I guess I have to have that sensory interaction along with the story. I just love to have a book in my hand. Reading them on a small computer screen would be hard for me. And I have a problem listening to books on CD too. Mostly because my mind tends to wonder and I lose the story.


And books made into movies? For the most part, I enjoy them because I don’t remember the details. An example of this is the Harry Potter books. I honestly don’t remember the specific details in the book like my practice husband. He had those books practically memorized. And the movies pissed him off because there were little things like the color of a rode or curtain that was wrong in the movie or some stupid thing like that. Shit he wouldn’t get over! Now, the glaringly wrong in a movie pisses me off because typically it’s a huge part of the book that they missed or just messed up. And if I love a book that becomes a movie (I’m thinking the Twilight Series) I always go in with these high expectations and ultimately (really every time) it is crap…I’m hurt. Like that author sold out and was lying to me. I mean, I see the people in the books and I see the interactions between them and how a room looked. All this in my head and when I see the movie it’s never what I had in my head and then I feel like they tried to pull one over on me. I don’t know that there is one movie that is from a book I read that I kind of liked. But each time I go in with high expectations and am really disappointed. You would think I would learn but I keep thinking this one will be different.


I have to admit that I know how to handle people in books. I can just shut the book and not think about how that is going to affect me. But I have to learn how to handle real people. I have to remember that people aren’t like people in books. I don’t know what people are thinking because there is not a running dialog for me to read. But books and stories have given me the ability to learn how to handle situations. Of course books and their stories are not always close to reality but I still think I can learn things in books. Not just self help books either. Just reading dialog gives me ideas of what to say or do.

And I have to admit that I love a good story...not necessarily a love story (I'm really REALLY not into romance or even most Chic Lit) but the good story of interaction or victory. I love how good wins over evil (although I love the evil part of the story). I want to stay in the moment of the book that has me so wrapped up in it that I forget my own problems. That is a sign of a good book...get so lost in it that I forget myself.

Anyone have good suggestions?

bleh.....

So I had committed to this 30 days of posting and I got to day 20 but honestly...I just don't want to do it anymore.  The last 10 are kind of "bleh" for me...I take that back.  There are a couple that are very interesting to me; something that I would like to write about.  But thats like 3 of the 10.  So I may do those three and then call it good.  I told you I wasn't good at commitment and I tend to half ass things...so you'll get 23 or so of the 30...that'll have to be good.


In related news that is not related at all....I changed my status on Facebook to "In a Relationship with Mr Burke"...I have wanted to change my relationship status since I was on Facebook...  I see all these other people do it and I was jealous.  Thankfully, Mr Burke accepted my request for changing my status to linking our lives together.  That was a relief.

I got a wide range of responses.  My brother said "What is this?" like he was asking what the hell I was thinking.  A couple of my friends made comments about the fact that we hadn't talked for awhile because this was a shock.  I think my friends and family have gotten so used to me being single that the thought of me actually dating someone is going to mess with their minds.  Some people wanted to know what the story was.  The real reason was that I just wanted to announce to every 164 people that I am friends with that I finally got a guy to want to commit to me...

I like to gloat...

It's about time

So, without any input from me really (thankfully) I have started seeing someone. It’s still early days but I can honestly say I want a relationship with this man.  I’ve been on quite a few 1st dates, two 2nd dates and no 3rd dates.  Those 2 that were 2nd dates; one was wanted and the 2nd was not.  But I’ve never made it past a 2nd date with a guy.  I think it’s because I tend to share info about myself that probably isn’t appropriate at that time in getting to know someone.  I share too much because I don’t want there to be any misunderstandings later. I want to prep them for my alcoholism and bipolar because some people feel that those are deal breakers.  And I don’t want to get invested with someone who is only going to drop me when they find out about my “issues”.  Of course, it’s better for me when I have the one guy that blinked, gulped and then asked me a question about it, as though he wanted to know more.  I think I actually started falling for him at that point but I don’t want to speak so soon.

But this guy…Burke (it’s actually his last name but his first name is the same as my ex and I’m not ready to call someone that), is great. We spoke every day for a week before we met.  And not just spoke but really talked.  I should take a break here and say…when I say talked/spoke…it was through IM or text.  Neither of us is big on talking on the phone.  It was great to find a guy that was the same way.  We actually spoke once, the night of the date, to make sure I had the address.  But the whole week prior to the date was spent talking about EVERYTHING.  I cannot think of one thing that I left out or that is not absolutely necessary for him to know.  I found someone that is as funny as me (I know…it’s shocking to me too☺). He is very smart (like brilliant to a fault) and giving.  He’s a bigger nerd then me but that adds to his plus column.  He does have action figures but to be honest, so do I.  He’s going to treat me with respect and affection; I know this already.  He’s going to ask my opinion and really wants to know the answers.  I may have more say over what we do as a couple but he’ll have more say over the important things, like what I’m allowed to get away with (jokingly) and what I mean to those people in his life.

I’m petrified of the actual dating though.  I don’t open up to people very much (despite writing on this blog) and I definitely am skittish about anything physical.  (Relax Mom, I mean kissing and holding hands…harmless…).  But the thought of kissing makes me SQUEEEEEE….I get these butterflies and my tummy gurgles.  I blush (who blushes anymore???) and start hyperventilating.  I know how to kiss.  I think I’m a fairly good kisser but think about it, if you are married or involved with someone for awhile…do you kiss?  Like KISSSSS?  I didn’t when I was married which may have contributed to my divorce maybe.  But I want to suck face with this guy.  I want to get tiny little kisses on my cheek or forehead.  I would love to be kissed.  But the thought of having the first couple of kisses is seriously messing with me.  I’m almost to the point where I want to just tackle him, sit on his chest so he can’t move and then kiss him at least 3 times…just to get it out of the way…not very romantic but yet still an option.

There are some thing that concern me…he’s been married twice.  Both reasons for the divorces were adequate in my mind but I’m not sure I want to be #3…I’m not sure I want to be anyone’s wife.  I think I cured myself of marriage with being married to the ex.  My ex is a great guy.  A really good guy.  We just fell apart and neither was prepared to pick the other up; we were hurting by that point.  So he did what he thought was the right thing; which eventually for me was the right thing.  I was devastated though. It honestly has taken me almost 2 ½  years to get over that.  But I have.  And I honestly think I’m at my ideal self.  I don’t think I would be ready to date anyone a year ago.  It has taken me a lot to get to my at least first copy of my ideal self.  I’ve healed a lot of my pains (from the ex and in my younger life).  I’m ready to do the things that are necessary in a relationship.  I’m practically skipping around my life right now, I’m so happy.  But I'm 36 and I have a really hard time with being called "girlfriend".  I have an even harder time calling someone boyfriend.  I'm not sure why but it seems to be something that is childish but I guess I'm the only one that says that because friends are telling me that I'm hung up over a word.  I think "dating" is enough but most people think it means that we're not exclusive.  I think it means we're dating...just the two of us.  So, I guess I'll have to start practicing the words...

And so I have dates lined up for the next week.  I'm looking forward to it but I'm scared too.  Mostly because this is it...this is the relationship that I start my new life with.  Burke may not be the guy for me forever but he's the guy for me right now.  And whose to say that this isn't THE relationship....I just have to go back to the basics and say...one day at a time...that's all I can do now.

Otherwise I'll be tackling him on a regular basis to just get the "firsts" done.

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol

Alcohol has always been an escape for me. If I was hurting…I would drink to cover it up. If I was happy….I would drink to celebrate. If I was lonely…I would drink to black out and get through the night alone. If I was mad/sad/glad/bad/hated my dad/if I wanted to start a fad/sitting at my pad…I would drink. Drinking was my solution to all my problems. If I drank enough I forgot and didn’t deal with it. It covered up my inadequacies and made me funny/pretty/smart. It was my liquid courage. But I never thought I actually abused it. I never thought I was going overboard or hurting others. It took an intervention to show me that and I still didn’t see it really. I was angry so much the first year of sobriety. I hated everybody and everything. I was so angry about stupid things but I was in a place that didn’t understand that not drinking anymore just wasn’t enough. Being a few years sober, I see what I was doing and how I treated others because of it. I see how I did it to hide and I’ve tried to start dealing with things in a productive and healthy matter. I don’t always succeed but I try. Progress rather than perfection.



But alcohol and the “normal” drinker can mix. Having A glass of wine and even leaving some of it in the glass….that’s abusing the alcohol. I would ask people if they were going to finish that ½ jokingly but I just never understood people that could just stop with ½ a glass. That’s a foreign concept to me.



Drugs depend on the type. Illegal drugs I have never tried nor have any desire to. Drinking was enough for me to have alter my mental state. I was honestly scared of becoming addicted (which I see now as a joke since I’m an addict to alcohol.). And I was just not around it. I kept to myself and those people that I did hang out with didn’t do drugs. I just never felt it necessary to try. Now if I hadn’t stopped drinking, I probably would have ended up trying it because booze would stop getting me to the desired effect. But I don’t know that.



Legal drugs, to me, are necessary. I know that there are people that abuse legal drugs and I would say I was one of them. I had to change my sobriety date after 4 months of sobriety because I was taking some of the bipolar meds to get an effect. I was abusing them. Thank god my sponsor at the time confronted me about it because it would be going on still…3 years later. So I’m very careful about my meds. I take caution when I start a new med or change up the circumstances of when and where I take them. But I know I won’t live without these meds. That sounds uber dramatic but I know me and if I stopped taking these meds, I would end up in the hospital again and I don’t think it would be willingly or with all my faculties about me. I have a moral system now but when I go deep and dark…I don’t care about anyone or anything. I just want to stop.



Those that abuse legal drugs are just as bad as illegal drugs. They are taking them for the high and that is not the reason medicine is to be used. I’ve been watching Intervention lately (and so I’ve become an expert) and how quickly these people start lying, cheating, stealing…the bottom is when you stop digging but some people just don’t know how to stop. That is what 12 step programs are for. That is what interventions are for. To bring back the person that family and friends loved and want back. Some people just never stop and that’s heart breaking.

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

I know what I used to think about religion. I thought it was a bunch of Republican robots that went to church because it looked good and it was a way for them to score support or business and to exploit anyone that was there, because they were insincere. They lied. They gave to the church because that looked good and was a way for them to show how “good” they were. When in fact, these were the people that were touching little children but because they were a Christian they didn’t have to worry about anything. These were the people that absconded with money from friends, relatives and business associates and were bewildered when they were caught. The Christian way of life was one of spoiled brats, insincere dealings and messed up abusive people.



And those that came across as goodie two shoes….they were the worst because they said they had God as their savior. Nothing was going to spoil their lily white conscious. They preyed on the weak and vulnerable. The ability to do evil was incredible but every Sunday they were forgiven for their sins. They got to dress up and show off how much wealth they had.



This was all fueled by the media and personal dealings. But they are just my poor thinking of religion. Nothing was a higher power and so these people were getting away with things when they said that they had been forgiven for their sins…they can do anything because Jesus died for them and that they would be allowed in heaven. If that was the case, then I wanted no part of that whole side of the world. I trusted no one and especially Christians. I never thought about the side of Christianity that was good and giving…able to do so many good things for others, and very seldom asked for anything in return.



The day I “gave myself” to God, I was not prepared. I went into the whole situation with doubt and not a very open mind. But I also went in with a ton of questions and thoughts. I had a great pastor that answered all of them and talked to me like I was anybody…not the heathen I thought I was. He didn’t try to ram it down my throat and didn’t lie to me (I think). He wasn’t offended by my view and he didn’t try an exorcism because of my language.



And now that I actually go to church on a regular basis, I have met some really great people; in and out of the church. I still am really reluctant to change my view of Christians. They are still not to be trusted yet. Parts are so cotton candy and lollipops that it makes my teeth hurt. They just ooze Christianity. They wear crosses all the time but tend to live in contradiction. They bring their bible with them. They listen to Christian music and have a bumper sticker to prove it. They are sickingly sweet…giving and giving. I don’t know why I’m cautious with them. They are probably genuinely giving and supportive. I think I expect them to want something from me. The good ol’ give and take…which is fair but what they’re giving is just love and support. I’m not used to being given something and NOT having to do something for the other person. So I walk around these people, avoiding eye contact because I’ve got nothing to give. In reality, I have a lot to give. I want to give back to my church. I want to give of my time and talents and so I show up and ask what I can do to help. I try to support financially and I have gotten involved with groups. Everything I swore I would never do.



But I also swore I’d never go to church or carry a bible around with me. I do both…and my bible has a cute little cover that I know means I’ve become a Christian.



Other religions are not really tough for me. I believe that there are different ways to do things but ultimately, it’s the same God. I’m not sure I’m a Lutheran but I attend a Lutheran Church. If I were to be told that I had to think a certain way to go to the church, I would find another and probably another denomination. Even different religions are OK to me. They still believe in a higher power. How they get to their heaven is still through a God. Having faith is universal. It’s how you live your life in order to achieve the goal of either heaven (which I kind of believe in) or reincarnation (which I tend to believe more in). I want to live my life in a way that means I get to go to the next level and revel in my God.



And as I have heard so many times…your God and my God may not be the same but I bet their friends.

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

I do not understand the hang up over this. If you have 2 people that love each other, want the same things in life and are willing to work at their relationships…why can they not have the same things available to them that I, as a heterosexual, have available to me? I know a couple of gay people and their love is no different than my love. So what if they have sexual relations that are different then what I have. Who says that is the right way to have them?


And the God issue….I truly honestly deeply believe that God does not care that two people of the same gender have sexual relations and are not your typical family and possibly want to have children some day. Wouldn’t God want those people to be happy? At least my God would want that. And I know that there are passages in the bible about this but I hope you remember that the Bible (while God’s word) is not written by God. I think God’s version would be a lot different than the version of 2000 years ago. But that is just my opinion.


I may never marry again and I see people having an issue with that too. So what is the big deal with marriage? I know that it’s messy from a divorce. I know that the only thing different is a piece of paper because insurance and financial issues are becoming more geared toward non-traditional couples. I don’t have to have my name changed. I can pay for my half of the utilities (well, hopefully soon I can do this). I can put someone as my beneficiary and not be married to them. I can give someone power of attorney over my dealings without being married. So what is marriage for anymore?


Maybe I’m jaded about marriage. It’s not like my divorce was messy or damaging. Well, it was damaging. It crippled me. But it wouldn’t have been any different if I hadn’t been married and he just wanted to break up. I may have seen marriage as forever and by not marrying someone, it makes it easier for me to detach myself from someone. This all may change if I meet someone and I may feel like I want to marry them. I don’t know…but I do know that it’s not going to be the #1 item on my list once I meet someone. If anything, I’ll be more hesitant to get involved with someone. I’ve had the opportunities to do so but I’ve pushed back. Most of them because they were minimum wage baby daddy drama guys and I seriously DO NOT want that.

This has kind of gotten off topic so I’ll sum it up like this…ANYONE should have the ability to marry someone, get insurance for a partner, be present in the hospital with a loved one and be treated as a couple should be treated; regardless of sexual orientation. We are all God’s children and he would want our lives to achieve the happiness that he has promised us if we live a life that follows in the footsteps of Him.

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

I lived a life without God and was shallow and desperate for anything that would help me out of my head. I used alcohol, shopping, marriage and work but none of them really did for me what I needed. What I was able to do (and this is ONLY because God believed in me when I didn’t believe in him) was be willing to look at other things. And again, that was only because I was working a 12 step program that kept my eye on the prize. A life without alcohol and pain; if I just tried. So I sought out books to try to fix myself and I had a friend give me The Shack and that completely changed my life.



The book was able to tell me how much God was willing to go to get me to return to him. They say to return to him but I always felt a little uncomfortable with that because it insinuates that I left him at some point. I did not willing leave a God, I just never believed in a God. How could a God let bad things happen? Why did I have to go through so much? How can God know every hair on my head? Why does he give such a damn? All of those things were answered for me in The Shack. I didn’t have to go to a priest; although I did. I could identify with the characters and the questions and concerns he had. I actually cried with him. I felt the pain and anger because it was so much like my pain and anger. And then I felt the hope and love and release. It walked me through my prejudice that I had for Christianity as a whole. Individual Christians or specially churches too; I was able to change my view that not all of them said one thing and did another like I thought most Christians were. They are still out there but not all of them are bad.



Reading The Shack cleared my mind and made me realize that something was going on around me that I could not explain away. I’m a very rationally, analytical thinker and if I couldn’t see/touch/smell/feel, it wasn’t there. But God is everywhere, not just a form of a person. But rather in all the things I could see/touch/smell/feel. I’m not going to go cheesy and say he’s in the laughter in a child and a rainbow. While I don’t doubt he is; God is in me and working through others to help me. I’m essentially a selfish person and I care how it affects me. I’ll probably never become a missionary and go thumpin’ my bible (which I do have one…one of my friends is just aghast at! ). But I have a God in my life that is so important to me. He loves me, in spite of myself. He talks to me through different people and through music. And I have someone to ask for help and he’ll give it. Maybe not on my schedule or the way I want it but it’s definitely there when I need it; he knows better than me.



I highly recommend The Shack for those that are questioning their faith and even for those that are strong in their faith. It’s actually fiction book but it was what I needed to hear and led me to a God that is love and understanding and there for me. That’s a good thing.

Willpower looks like this

This is willpower I lack...pretty sad that a 5 year old has got more then me...but I loved the kid around minute 6 that doesn't make eye contact but man handles the marshmellow...yet, does not eat it.

 
 
 

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

I’m torn about this. I actually have 2 things that I could live without in aspect that it would be nice to live without them. Being an alcoholic and being bipolar. I can’t image a life without both of these so it’s hard to dream about it. I don’t know what I would do if I was able to have a drink or two and not get totally shit faced. I would remember where I was the next morning. I’d never lose my keys or my pants. I could take $20 to the bar and come back with change. I wouldn’t wake up in strange man’s beds and try to piece together the series of events that got me there. I wouldn’t sleep til 1pm because I was hung over and I couldn’t get my ass out of bed to even walk my dogs. I guess I do know what my life would look like if I didn’t drink. It would be calmer and probably with more money (oh, wait…that didn’t happen).



If I wasn’t bipolar I would be able to sleep on my own. I would be able to navigate my way through social situations (maybe…). I wouldn’t have to take 14 pills a day. I wouldn’t have to go to a doctor every 2 weeks and get my levels checked. I could talk to people about my feelings because they are pretty vanilla and calm. I wouldn’t have to budget $3,000 a year for meds. I’d be able to be in a social situation and not cringe at the thought of someone talking to me and forget about touching me. I wouldn’t flinch at the thought of my mom hugging me. I’d be able to have a conversation with someone and be honest and look them in the eye. I would be able to function without pharmaceutical help.



But the thing is, my life today is pretty good. There are parts of it that I’d like to change but overall? I’ve got it pretty damn good. And I don’t know that I would be able to do those things above. I’m bipolar and an alcoholic…that is all I know. If I were to take one of those things away, I wouldn’t know what to do. I know how to handle me. I know how to ask for help (sometimes) and what my limitations are (also sometimes). I wouldn’t be me if those things were different. I’ve got a life today that I truly do not deserve but I am going to do everything in my power to continue to work on my life. I just know that there is a level of serenity that I can achieve, regardless of my “handicaps”. My recovery is up to me and I’m willing. Willingness is the key.

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.

I don’t have a lot of hero’s…I definitely am not the type of person that “follows” a star or politician. I don’t watch TV so I kind of miss out on all the drama of those two types of professions. I’ll occasionally look through a People Magazine in line at the grocery store but I have no idea who some of those people are. I truly just don’t care enough to follow them.


So I tend to make people in my life my hero’s. My old boss was one of them and really kind of let me down.



I worked for my boss for 3 years or so when he decided to hire someone that would act as level higher than me but lower than him. He was taking on too many things and just needed to bring someone in to act as a Senior IT Manager. I knew I would not get that position so I didn’t apply for it. At my review, he told me that he was disappointed that I hadn’t even applied. I told him that I knew I would not get the position and he told me that it was not up to me if I would have gotten it. He has ALWAYS been so good to me. When I went into the Psych hospital in 2007, he came and visited me. He CAME AND VISITED ME…he was a champion for me. He was present in my recovery and helped me navigate the long road to getting used to the meds and all the appointments. I was probably out sick more than in the office in 2008 but he never got on my case about it. We would talk…just talk. About the divorce, the meds, my practice husband, what I was doing that weekend…everything. I totally respected and admired him. Not only is he the smartest person I know, he’s a very good person.



So, when he hired my new boss, I kind of felt abandoned. But I understood the need for the new layer. THEN…my new boss (we’ll call him Dick) started and wanted to just take over and change everything. He was condescending and doesn’t listen. Anytime he is talking to me he would ask if he needed to get the Fisher Price pictures out. Yes…he said that. And then he kept telling me who to go talk to…I’ve been here 10 ½ years…I know who to talk to. This just exacerbated the fact that I felt like I was being punished.



Then, one Thursday I’m on a conference call with Dick and a couple of other people when he asks if anyone has anything they want to talk about. I immediately start the talk because I know the other 2 are not very willing to talk. Dick immediately YELLED at me to stop talking, that I talk enough; he didn’t want to hear it. Well…that pissed me off so I didn’t talk the rest of the conference call. I hung up and burst into tears. It wasn’t just the way he talked to me (although that was rude and unprofessional) but it was the whole situation. And I am not a weeper. I was so frustrated and hurt that I called my old boss because I needed someone to understand what Dick was doing to me. And I HATE crying but I couldn’t stop. So I called my old boss and spilled my guts about what he said, how he was treating me and how I felt that I couldn’t trust Dick. And my old boss said it was unfortunate that Dick talked to me that way but that I just needed to work harder. Build those relationships…which I know I don’t do a good job at but I don’t believe that all of this would be cured if I were to just get Dick to come over for a BBQ and start swapping fishing stories…that’s not me and it’s not going to happen.



So my old boss abandoned me and left me out in the cold. I hadn’t talked to him in weeks. We literally sit 25 feet from each other. I felt like I was no longer worthwhile in his eyes. How could he just stop talking to me? Wanting to know what I did for the weekend. Were our interactions just superficial?

I guess this is a good lesson in being my own boss, in a sense.  I need to be my own champion because not a lot of corporations are as involved with their employees. I've been lucky the last 10 years, that I've had a company that really wanted to invest in my career.  I can't expect everyone that I work with to be like that.  I'm going to step up and be more present in my job and do it to the best of my ability; regardless of who supervises me.

One of the Gang

My dick head of a boss totally sold me out today. I had mentioned a few days ago that the ladies in my area are incredibly loud and distracting. I know we talked about it because he says he doesn’t hear them but they are literally RIGHT OUTSIDE HIS OFFICE. I told him he must tone people out better than me and we chuckled about it. I even mentioned that another lady that sits further away from them then him had mentioned something to me and we compared stories about how loud they can be.


To his credit, he did ask me if I wanted him to say thing about it to their boss and I said NO because their boss is another dick head who will sell you down the river in a heartbeat. I think he would even sell his mother if it made him look good. And I know he wouldn’t keep names out of the comments because he’s done it before with me. When he asked me how one of his people were doing…I stupidly told him. It wasn’t one day later and I was getting very terse looks and a very snotty email about how I thought she wasn’t doing her job. I had specifically told him that I did not want him to share that with her, it was just me venting to him. I was FURIOUS with him after that. I even confronted him about it and I do not do confrontation. He apologized and I had to suck up to the lady for the next month so she wouldn’t hate me and not do anything I asked her to do.


Well, she’s one of the ladies that is incredibly loud and I have not heard her once today and I know she’s been on the phone. And she won’t even look at me. I’m pretty sure I’m not paranoid about this. But then again, 3 of the 4 ladies are gone today and it’s been a dream….

So now, I have to deal with my boss. I want to just go ask him but he’s been in meetings all day. And I really want to talk to the lady to see what was said. I guess it shouldn’t matter. It’s been said and now I have to deal with it. It’s just that I’ve worked really hard to build a relationship with this group. I don’t make friends easily and I really hate it when I’m treated like I’m the village idiot. And I’ve never really fit in with these ladies. I’m treated like a boss when I’m not even their boss. I’m not asked to lunch or to go out for drinks after work. I’m not asked about looking through their jewelry magazines that they’re trying to sell. I am actually spoken around when I’m physically by them. I don’t know how many times I have heard all of them AND the admin talk about going to lunch and drinks and I’m not even included. There are the bagels every so often and no one will come tell me…it’s not like I’m sitting on the other side of the floor. And I didn’t get a birthday card from the group this year. I’m usually the only September birthday but I didn’t get a card or even someone offering to take me to lunch.

Now….this could all be in my head and nothing is wrong. But I don’t think this is the case. I’m pretty sure my boss sold me down the river.

Man, this makes me sound like a whiny baby…but the thing is, I never cared about this stuff. I didn’t want to make idle chit chat with someone. It was such a waste of time; getting to know these people. I really had zero desire or energy for it. But lately I’m more inclined to be one of the gang. I’d love for someone to ask me to lunch. They all stand around and talk over the walls to each other and I’m not included…I sound so cheesy for this I guess. I know that part of the problem is me and I have to make the effort to include myself sometimes. And I have to make the first move to get them to be open and friendly with me. But sometimes I truly just DO NOT give a shit. I’d rather get through my stuff and then go home. No one knows my personal life. No one knows what I like to do on the weekends (which I’m not even sure I know what I like to do on the weekends). I kind of like that I have that place to go to that no one from work knows about.


While I don’t think I’ll ever win a popularity contest (and I would not know what to do if I did), I’d like to have “work friends”…guess I’ve got to work harder at it.  That's what I'm told a lot about making relationships; work harder.  How eff'ing hard do I have to work?  I'm tired already.

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days

This is a great thing for me. I love music…more specifically, I like MY music. Not that I’m a musician but rather I only want to listen to the music I like. For awhile there it was just 80’s music…for 4 years, it was only 80’s music on my satellite radio. I would only put 80’s music on my iPod, etc… Then I got rid of my satellite radio and I started listening to different music. I would try out hard rock; which I kind of like. I was trying out Top 40 music and sometimes liking. I stuck to iTunes and their recommendations. And I was checking out CD’s from the library that were typically not something I would listen to…just to branch out. You can read here for some of my thoughts on music in general.


But I can’t narrow it down to just one artist or band. I do have tendencies to listen to a song or album over and over and over, until I can’t listen anymore. But there are definitely songs that affect me. Some are just favorites but then there are some that just mean something to me. They usually happen to me when I’m going through something that requires me to deal with an emotion. I truly believe that God talks to me through music. I don’t know how many times I would be hurt or upset, angry or frustrated and a song would come on that totally soothes me. And I know that sounds crazy because it’s music that I’ve put on my iPod and so I know it will cycle through but it really does come at a time where I need to hear it.



When I went through the divorce, I would cling to songs that were about break up and letting go. After the first year or so, the songs were about getting back together. And then now, it’s about finding the strength to go it alone. To be enough. They come across as break up songs and I guess they are to an extent but Pieces and I Feel Bad by Rascal Flatts is what I'm listening to. Kelly Clarkson has an album out that is pretty much about breaking up.  Pink too.  Both that I have my playlist right now.  They come across like the practice husband is holding me back but it’s the exact opposite. I’m holding on to him because I’m just so afraid to let go and be on my own. This is another blog I need to write so suffice it to say that I’m listening to music to prepare myself to let go.




Right now I'm in a dilemma because I lost my headphones and they were great headphones. Expensive too but they were great. I have no idea where I lost them. I take my iPod with me everywhere and so I always have my headphones.  They must have dropped out somewhere between work, car, car home...now, I have this cheap ass pair that only one ear bud works and they are just terrible quality.  I'm going to save up for a new pair of headphones and just deal with the crappy ones until then.

But music is always going to be my savior.  When I need to shut the world out and just calm down.  I put my headphones on (even the crappy ones) and just lose myself to the music and the words and the calming

blue that I see when I listen to music.  It’s like mediation for me.  I can stop listening to the committee that’s in my head and be still.  That is what music does for me.

My Kids

So I talked about my inability to have children and how I don’t cope well with other people’s kids but I didn’t actually discuss my real kids. I have 2.

Milo is about 15 years old and I have had him about 13 of those 15. He is the absolute love of my life. I went to PetsMart in 1997 with my sister-in-law to get something for their dog and the Wayside Waifs was having an adoption fair that day. Now, I had no animals or a desire to have one. I lived in Missouri and with a girl that I barely knew. And we had a no pet policy. So I was just going to love on some dogs and go home. And I really did not have any intention of getting a dog. But I was sitting in the middle of this group of dogs that were all trying to get some attention. I loved on as many of them as I could. Then this little stick of a dog pushed his way between a couple of the dogs and put his head in my lap and then kind of curled up in my lap. It was true love. Absolutely true love. I immediately started the adoption process and he came home with me that day. He was about a year or 2 old. He was rail thin and very light brown. I honestly had never loved anything like the way I love my Milo. He went through a rough patch with me. He was the rock I needed to get through that dark time in my life. I was saved by that dog so many times that there is little chance I will ever be able to express to him how much I absolutely adore him.



And now he’s getting old. 15 years old is pretty good for a dog. He’s never acted his age. He loves to play with Sammie and he is just so excited to see me that I get so much joy from him. But he’s pretty much deaf. I think he’s starting to lose his sight. Our walks need to be during daylight now because he gets hesitant when we’re in the dark. He’s walked into a couple of walls in the apartment when the lights are off. The deaf thing is kind of funny but not really. I have had to literally pick him up while he was sleeping because I could not get him to wake up by calling his name. It’s pretty funny to hear him snoring away and I’m poking him and saying his name, over and over again. He is then surprised and takes a bit to get orientated.

Then there is my Sissy girl. Her name is Sammie but I have always called her Sissy. She is 12 years old and is a handful. My ex and I adopted her when she was around 3 months old and have kind of wondered how we got such a weird dog when we pretty much had her from birth. She whines…all the time. I believe she doesn’t even know she’s doing it. It’s not like she’s in pain (at least I don’t think so) or needs to go outside. She whines because she’s bored and wants attention. She’ll be standing in front of the food dish and staring at it and start whining. It’s just like breathing to her I think.

But one great thing about Sissy is that she talks. When I get home and let them out, she will talk to me for the first few minutes of being home. She’ll crow like a rooster. She’ll grumble in her throat. She will practically purr when you pet her. She is so vocal. And she’s taught Milo how to do it too. He’ll try to make noises too. Not as good at it as Sissy but he still tries. And she is a belly slut. She will plop down right in front of you and offer her belly up at the drop of a hat. She loves people and will get in their face. Literally. She has no concept of personal space and will make sure you get a chance to pay attention to her. And she’ll use that against me because I tell her to go sit down when I have company and gets this sad look on her face and the person who is over will say it’s OK, they would love to pet her more. She’s manipulative that way…maybe she learned that from me.

I will always have dogs but I’d really like to always have these dogs. But I’m realistic and know that I’ll lose them eventually. I’m preparing myself for Milo. That one is going to hurt a lot. Not that Sissy won’t but Milo and I have been through so much that I bonded with him more than Sissy. But I am preparing myself. Both of my kids are extremely healthy. Milo had to have some teeth removed once and Sissy had a virus about a year ago but neither have had anything else wrong with them (knock on wood). They get their yearly shots and then that's it. We walk a couple of miles a day to keep them in shape, which is why I think I have dogs that don't act their age.

But I'm probably abusive in some ways. They do not get human food; it is human food, not dog food. They do not bark, jump up on people, get aggressive with other dogs (or each other), they do not get on the furniture and they are responsible for letting me know when they need to go outside. They are not to get in other people's face, although Sammie does not follow that edict. I don't take them for rides in the car regularly. With a new car, I have been reluctant to take them anywhere but I have taken them twice for rides. They very rarely get treats. Not because they don't deserve them but typically dog treats are so full of crap that it messes with their digestive systems. And they get the same food, regardless of what's on sale. I have had to change recently because Pedigree discontinued the food I had been feeding them for the last couple of years. So I have a new food and that has taken them a little time to adjust to. None of this is because they don't deserve to have or do these things but it's because I need to be consistent with what I do with them. Dogs are creatures of habit and I make sure that that habit is appropriate.


But with all that structure and consistent actions, my dogs are spoiled rotten. I absolutely adore my dogs and I cannot imagine my life with any other dogs. There is no way that my dogs are unhappy because they will run laps in the house, throw stuffed animals up into the air and try to catch them and roll around on their back making god awful noises but that is pure joy...how can you be sad when you see your dog rolling around, just because he's happy to be alive.  I want that...I'm sure you've all heard it but I love the saying "greet everyone like the way your dog greets you"...I know I would walk around ecstatic and loving, wanting only to be given a little bit of attention and then sleep for the next 4 hours.

 
 

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

I have lived when I never thought I would live. After the divorce, I didn't think I would be able to live without my practice husband. I remember sitting in my therapist’s office, on my knees, weeping with huge hiccups. You know, the kind of crying where you can’t talk because you are trying to bring in these huge gulps of air and you just can’t keep up with the need to talk, to tell someone how much it hurts. Just the gut wrenching sobbing…I could not live without the practice husband in my life. How could you suggest it? I would take him in any way possible; even if it was not healthy.

And then I got to a point where I just could not be around him. I was hurting so much because he didn’t want me back. He wanted me in his life and I wanted to be in his life too but he did not want me the way I wanted him. It got too hard…so I walked away from him. And I lived. I managed to get dressed the next day. The next week I was able to stop looking at my phone to see if I had a text from him. It took me awhile but I didn’t think about him as much. And it started to hurt less. I even went on a few dates…things that I thought I would never be able to do because it wasn’t him. How was I ever going to be loved the way he loved me? I’ll never find anyone ½ as good as him as a person. No one is ever going to be as funny as him. But I was paying my bills. I was going to meetings. I ate dinner. I even went to a few movies; alone.

Now, he’s back in my life but in a different context. I don’t want a relationship with him. He is now not healthy. He has a lot to work on and it’s not my job to help him with that. We’ll go to movies or dinner. Its fun to text him things that I know he’ll find funny. He’s helping me with my bills and I’m doing his grocery shopping. It’s a relationship that is built on a friendship and even love that is deep but that we are no longer in love with each other. But that is such a different place then I was over the last couple of years.

I used to think that I will never love someone as much as I loved him. But I have never been in love with someone like I was with him. Maybe, someday, I’ll find someone that just takes my breath away. I think I loved him as much as I could but I believe that I’m capable of much more now. I have this emotional well that I have no idea where the bottom is but it’s beyond my sight. And I’m willing to take the chance to love someone else, to give of myself readily to someone else. There is such potential for pain but I am so excited about the other side of that coin. I am so ready for the chance to prove to someone how much I am capable of…

But now, I can live without him. I have to because he's not "the one" anymore. He's a friend that I love and will always love.  But he could not fulfill my needs, and I have to have my needs fulfilled.

So I used to think I couldn't live without him but I know I can and I want to.  Anything that I think I can't live without are probably things that I shouldn't be holding onto.  My need for Diet Coke isn't necessarily something that I would die without.  And even my pills for the bipolar...I could live without. At least I hope I would. But that's not something I'm willing to test.  I keep thinking that I have to have 52 oz of slushy from Quik Trip or I'll never get through the day, yet I do.

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

If I were to say something here it would come across as complaining and snippy. I have things that I think I do pretty well and I do get a little pissy when I’m not recognized for my efforts but that is probably when I should have been doing it without the thought in mind that I was doing it for the attention.



This one is just the most recent and so one that I’m obsessing about. I have donated my time and talents to my church (which is also a K-8 school) with no recognition. I wanted to do something to give back to the Church that has been so good to me. They didn’t ask me to help; I kept pushing them to do something. I kept asking if there was anything I could do to fix the situation. I just wanted to give back something because they had given so much. But, in reality, I did it because I was absolutely aghast about the fact that they did not have any formal IT support and I felt it was my duty to fix that. Now whether or not they wanted it, it was going to happen. So I went to a few companies, got some idea of what kind of support they would provide and then put a business case together for the recommendation to hire a certain company for on-going support. This took a lot of my personal time to do (not to mention several hours of my work day to interview them) but it was something that I felt needed to happen. The church doesn’t know any better; or even what the hell they have or need.



But they had a burning need. The “IT guy” they were using occasionally had gone shitty and wasn’t working appropriately with them. So they fired him and then the servers went down. A friend of a friend of a friend, etc…was called and he was able to get the server back up but he’s a server guy, not a printer guy or desktop support, so they were not working at optimal level.



So I did a walk through with the company (who are TechGuys in Overland Park; click HERE for their website) and I knew more about what the Church had then anyone that had been with that Church for years. And before we were even done, the Pastor was asking when they could start. They have since come out and did a scan of the issues; even fixing some without an official agreement with the Church; working in good faith that the Church will at least sign them up for some services.



I know one of the teachers at the school and she says that they were able to fix a problem that she has had for months. I think the teachers and office help are ecstatic because TechGuys are professional but also able to interpret the “geek speak” to the teachers and office people; helping them understand what it is they are doing or needing.



I did that…me….and I’ve been trying to stay content in the knowledge that I don’t have to be thanked for something that I should have given without the need to be recognized. And I don’t expect for the Church to hold up banners or even interrupt the service to have me come up and accept an award. I don’t think that they should single me out.



But I totally want them to single me out. I want a little paragraph in the newsletter, telling people what I did. I would like to at least get a Thank You when I go up to the Pastors after the service. It’d be great if they had me come to all the services and had me stand up in the middle of the service; to recognize my efforts. I want all of that…but I won’t get it and that is going to have to be OK because I’m supposed to do those things. That’s part of being in a Church family; just like in your personal family. You do things that you may not get recognition for. I have a friend that says he tries to do one thing a day that is going to help someone else and not get any recognition for it. I’m not that good…I’m pretty selfish I guess.



This all sounds really petty actually. Guess this is something I’m going to have to work on.

Family portrait

On the spur of the moment, I took my camera with me for my nightly walk with the dogs.  I always have my camera with me when I've got my purse and I've been doing a lot more picture taking then normal. So I grabbed the camera this evening and thought I'd try to capture a few good shots.

With no real thought, I caught a glimpse of my shadow and that was it...I spent the whole 30 minutes (which normally took 15 - 20) trying for that perfect shot of the three of us. I got a good one of just Sammie:

I finally got a "good" one of the three of us.  I'd like it to be a bit better but I thought, for spur of the moment, it wasn't half bad.

I wish I wasn't so lumpy....

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

I have been told that I have pretty eyes…I do not see this. I have never seen it. But I get it all the time. I’m organized and a good planner. I am always on time. I am a good listener and I give good advice. I’m a good cook and I am giving. But…I try not to listen to people giving me compliments because I know better. I know that people compliment me on a lot of different things and I am always appreciative about it but I also immediately contradict them because I couldn’t possibly be good at that or look like that or treat others like that. Don’t they know that I’m worthless? That I can’t do it perfectly? That I shudder at the thought of failing at something? I do not take compliments well….




But I want to. Who doesn’t want to excel at something and be recognized for it? It’s natural. And I feel that way too but I just can’t understand that I may actually be good at something. I don’t give myself enough credit; I sell myself short. I know all of this because I’m told all of this by everyone. And I know, deep down, that I am actually good at some things. That I do excel in some areas but I get so embarrassed when someone points it out to me and I set the stage with my rejection of it so they don’t think I’m bragging or getting a big head. I guess I can chalk it up to wanting attention and the more I deny, the more they push. I think that is a character defect of mine; the need for constant affirmation. I let people set my sense of worth.



I know what I would like to be complimented on: My vitality, my sense of adventure, my love of laughter. I’d like to be complimented on my dependability. I would like to be recognized for my giving nature; giving of my time, talents, love and friendship. I want people to think that I am a person that would be able to take a compliment and appreciate the fact that I’m surprised by it.



Mostly…I’d like to take a compliment (whatever it may be for) and smile, blush maybe and thank them for acknowledging me but telling them it’s not necessary because I’m aware in my inner core that I’m OK.

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

I truly believe that I know people for a reason and that reason may be to teach me something. I do not regret knowing someone. I may regret how I let them affect me or treat me. But knowing people is the greatest way to learn about yourself and how to treat others. You never learn any lessons if you don’t get in the thick of it. And that includes knowing the biggest dicks in your life!!!




I need to let go of the image I have in my head of who or what I should be. I’ll never live up to that image. I will never be 5’6”, long straight hair and a size 4. None of that is going to happen. I need to let go of that image and face the fact that I’m 5’3”, short curly hair and a size 12….OK, maybe a size 14. But I’m getting really close to a 12. I need to realize that I am just fine the way I am. I’m fine…fine. Really….I’m fine.

And to just prove it...

I finally got through my emails for today and this was my horoscope...hmmm....

You have been very busy telling other people what to do, Shannon. Why are you criticizing and thundering about so? Could it be that you are dissatisfied with yourself at the moment? Could it be that your job is causing you some problems, or that your entourage is being too intense these days? When you get into moods like this, you know the source is often internal. So stop telling other people what to do and start to think about what you should do.

Yet Again....

I spent the last 2 days, sitting in my own head and hating every minute of it.  I swear I look like I have all my shit together and I seriously do not.  I am spinning my wheels so bad right now that even I don't know what is right and what is wrong.  I'm getting wrapped up in things that are taking up my time and I am not doing other things that I truly need to be doing.  I guess I feel like I'm a little out of control.  Maybe it's the weekend but I don't think I'm doing as well as I would like to think I am.

I'm going to spend this next week really delving into my head and attitude.  Lately they have both been crazy and unlike me. I've got some issues to get taken care of and I keep dragging my feet about them.

I have a lot I want to write about but feel like it wouldn't be understood. Not in the sense that you wouldn't understand me but rather I don't feel like I would be able to write it properly to make you understand. My head is so full of just junk...I feel like I'm under this wet wool blanket and I can't find the end of it.

I've got to get in front of someone soon to get this addressed.

I'm going to continue to do the post a day for 30 days; going over the subjects that I outlined here but I need a day or two to get back on track. As much as I'd like to say I'm surprised that I haven't been able to keep to doing it every day...I'm not because I don't know that I've been consistent with anything in my life.  Another issue I need to address I guess.

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

There are friends that I lost before I got sober. Some were good to go but some where really painful to lose. One was a drinking buddy that would never get over me not drinking. I think she felt like I abandoned her; which I kind of did. She was toxic to be around. But the only reason I was holding onto her for so long was because I didn’t have anyone else. At least no one I thought of. In reality I have 2 very good friends that have been with me for 10 years and are lovely ladies. Both are actually better then lovely…they rock!


Another friend I lost because I was toxic for her. I was spiraling downward so much that she had to get out in order to stay healthy. I totally get that and I respect that. I just wish I could have her back as a friend now because she would be such a blessing in my life. But I ruined those opportunities. And that’s OK. I just have to know that I had to go through what I did to make it to this place and she did what she had to do to get to her place. I miss her though.



There are ex boyfriends that I actually had no problem letting go of. But there are some random guys in there that were never boyfriends but could have potentially been. And really it was more so the way they made me feel about myself that I had a hard time letting go of. Some made me feel gorgeous. Some were slobbering all over themselves and that made me feel sexy. And then there are just the ones that I couldn’t control and those appeal to me. Kind of like I couldn’t get enough of their confidence. It was addictive.



The practice husband was hard to let go of. I didn’t let go of him for several years actually. We called it “being friends” but really we were both living with the ideal us and not wanting to move on. It was more comfortable being comfortable instead of growing up. Which meant growing apart.



I think the biggest thing I didn’t want to let go of was my marriage. At least I didn’t want to let go of the fact that there was someone there that loved me and wanted me and just couldn’t be without me. Of course that was not the case towards the end of the marriage. But I didn’t want to see that. I wanted it to be something else. But it was easy to just gloss that over. I miss having that companionship. Someone to go to dinner with, hang out and watch TV, go for walks…all stuff I do now, just alone. I miss not having to be alone. I don’t want to give up the relationship because I am tired of being alone. Three years and I’m still trying to hold onto something that is so evasive and unhealthy but I don’t want to be alone. God knows, if I just open my hand and let go of it…I’d find that my hand is being held by something else.

Man Legs

In addition to being Bipolar and an alcoholic...I have a syndrome too.  I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.  Which really boils down to me being hairy, fat and infertile.  I mean really on all three.

I don't ovulate.  Have never, even after thousands of dollars and dozens of treatments.  I could not pop out one little egg...BUT, I can pop out a 5 o'clock shadow on my chin in about 5 minutes after plucking.    I found hair in places that I swore never was supposed to have hair. I have spent thousands on hair removal...and that shit is not cheap or painless.  But I refuse to look like a Russian Fishwife in my mid 30's.

I have not been shaving my legs in the winter on a regular basis.  Mostly that is because I am not and have not been seeing anyone for the last 3 years.  I did make a conscious effort last summer to keep them shaved every week because I was wearing a lot of dresses but the fall is upon us and I'm growing it out again.  And when I say growing it out, I really mean that I shave every 2 weeks or so...

The problem is that I can shave and about the time I'm toweling off, I get goosebumps and all my hard effort is for naught.  I have NEVER had the baby smooth legs.  I have a constant presence of shadow on my legs.  And forget about my thighs...oye!!!!

One year, I went 6 months without shaving.  I was actually pretty proud of that fact until my mom saw it. I felt a little like the bearded lady at a circus because she just kind of stared and shook her head.  She wanted to get a closer look and touch it, just to see if it was real.  I shaved that night. Took me about 20 minutes...maybe I shouldn't be so proud of that....

I would give up a lot of things to ensure that I had baby smooth legs. I truly would do a lot...but I guess I just have to deal with the cards I'm dealt and resign myself to years of shaving. Maybe I could start a trend and bring back the French mentality of not shaving...

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

I like to think that I don’t let people make my life hell (I do a good job of that all by myself). If they treat me like shit, I want to wipe them out of my life. I have no use for them. But sometimes I don't have that ability and it's usually someone that I never would have thought would talk to me that way or treats me like that.



I don't know enough about cars to know enough...nor about tires or DVD players or furnaces or air conditioners…I don’t know how to check the air in my tires….stupid stuff I should know. So I feel like I'm treated like a little girl and it irritates me. Cell Phones? Computers? Printers? I'm in IT and those dumb ass gnats try to tell me something I know is not right. Cable Company does it too. One time the cable company tech actually told me that my internet was slow because the cable was bent.....Right.....



And right now it's my boss. He tells me all the time that I'm not building relationships and that I talk too much. He asks me if he needs to bring out his Fisher Price pictures. And I let that happen. Mostly because he snapped at me in front of other people and didn’t apologize. I went to his boss (in tears, which pissed me off more) and told him. His response was to work harder. Yes…work harder. Who the hell works harder to be treated like shit? From then on, I’ve been as polite as possible but that man (my boss) is a dick. He’s all smiles on the outside but his words are pure venom.



But the bad thing is....I don't talk back. I don't tell them that I know they're wrong and this is how I know you're wrong. I just take it like I have no backbone. I feel helpless to stand up for myself in those situations. Until I get backed in a corner…I actually don’t stand up for myself because I don’t think I’m worth fighting for. I don’t think anyone has ever made me feel like I was worth standing up for; probably not for lack of trying. I probably just never thought to let them. I’m pretty independent and the thought of depending on someone to “have my back” is hard for me but to be honestly honest…I just want someone to offer to light the match…I’ll throw it on the car the dick is in…drenched in gasoline.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

There are so many people that have helped me over the years, to get to this place and time.

My parents for sacrificing so much of their time and love (and money) to make me safe within my world. For calling me all the time and getting me out of the house. And then just for being my friends too.  They truly love me and want me to be safe and happy.

My dog Milo.  Milo was with me when I went through my tough time when I was 23.  And he's been there for me through the divorce.  He is always going to love me and it really is because of him that I"m alive.  I so did not want to be alive but I couldn't leave him alone.

My friends in the program. For showing me what a sober way of life looks like. And that I don't have to drink to achieve that life.

The program...for all the promises that it gives me.

My friends outside the program that have stuck through the worst parts with me. Weathered my anger and lying.  Only to be there on the other side of the shit storm.  They are so patient.

And I guess the one thing that has made me feel like my life was worth living was me.  My life is worth living for because I am worth living.  I'm not going to be a famous person or filthy rich...but I've got a pretty good life. And so much to look forward to.  Why would I want to miss out on anything?  Pain or joy...it's a great way to experience things; to be present and willing.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

I knew I wasn't going to be able to do this everyday...sorry guys. Just got busy yesterday.

Unrealistically, I hope I never lose a loved one, that I'll never lose a job or a limb.  But I guess my real hope is that I hope I never lose my desire to live my life.  For so many years, I had zero desire to love, laugh or live.  I just was in so much pain being me that I truly hoped to die...anytime.  If I had an guts it would have been long ago.

But now I hope that I never go back to the way I used to be before I came in the program. That I have to think about all the ways to kill myself.  How I was hoping that it would just happen randomly. I never thought about what it would do to others, I just wanted to stop feeling pain.  To stop being so sad.

I hope I never have to lose my sense of self and what an amazing thing it is to be able to just breathe.  If that is my only job in life (to breathe) then I'm going to do my absolute best to continue to do what my higher power wants from me.

I just have to listen to him and wait for instructions.  I hope I'm listening...

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

I hope that I find the strength to be present in my life and stop thinking about all the things that I think are missing. Stop putting up barriers in my life that just keep me from experiencing the truth of the my life.  I'd like to be able to trust and love first and not automatically assume that everyone is out to get me.  I'd like to be fearless in the face of uncertainty.

I hope to find the courage to continue to try new things, to be open to others and I hope that I never lose that conscious contact with my higher power.  I hope that I am willing to continue to learn and grow from my program but also to learn and grow with those in my life that mean everything to me.

I hope that I come to understand what it means to truly love something.  To put all my faith and love into something without fear of rejection.  To know that I had given my all and that it's just good enough...not perfect but good enough.

I guess it boils down to I hope that I continue to be willing to do things differently because, on my own....I'm not capable of giving myself a life that I really do deserve and one that is worth hoping that it'll continue.

I'm a heathen

I have the body of Christ stuck in my teeth.

Tonight, sitting in church, I had to step out to go to the bathroom because I was afraid I was going to be struck down by lightening.  All I could think about was what a bad Christian I am because I made myself laugh out loud when I thought this.

Sorry J.C.

I love my Church.  It's contemporary and I can wear jeans. I tend to go Saturday nights because I don't want to have to compete for seating with all the polished people in Cupcake County that attend the church on Sunday mornings.  

I think that the reason I like my church is that they don't necessarily expect much from me and this works to their advantage because it makes me want to help them more.  

My church does not have any official form of IT support.  That drives me crazy so I, of course, have spent the last month putting together a plan for them and interviewing companies that I would recommend hiring for support.  I am putting together a disaster recovery plan for them so they will be prepared next time their servers go down.  And I just hope to God that they decide to actually do something. 

Kind of makes me feel wanted, that they need someone to help them. But then again, I feel like its an opportunity for me to get involved and bossy.  This is prime example of when I could take advantage of the situation and get it so people really relied on me.  Instead, I want to be able to help when needed (not when I think they need it) and be willing to sit a round out when they decide to do something different.  

It's all about growth...

Except when I get the urge to snort communion wine out my nose.  That's just gross.

For the record, I drink the grape juice...