Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

I like to think that I don’t let people make my life hell (I do a good job of that all by myself). If they treat me like shit, I want to wipe them out of my life. I have no use for them. But sometimes I don't have that ability and it's usually someone that I never would have thought would talk to me that way or treats me like that.



I don't know enough about cars to know enough...nor about tires or DVD players or furnaces or air conditioners…I don’t know how to check the air in my tires….stupid stuff I should know. So I feel like I'm treated like a little girl and it irritates me. Cell Phones? Computers? Printers? I'm in IT and those dumb ass gnats try to tell me something I know is not right. Cable Company does it too. One time the cable company tech actually told me that my internet was slow because the cable was bent.....Right.....



And right now it's my boss. He tells me all the time that I'm not building relationships and that I talk too much. He asks me if he needs to bring out his Fisher Price pictures. And I let that happen. Mostly because he snapped at me in front of other people and didn’t apologize. I went to his boss (in tears, which pissed me off more) and told him. His response was to work harder. Yes…work harder. Who the hell works harder to be treated like shit? From then on, I’ve been as polite as possible but that man (my boss) is a dick. He’s all smiles on the outside but his words are pure venom.



But the bad thing is....I don't talk back. I don't tell them that I know they're wrong and this is how I know you're wrong. I just take it like I have no backbone. I feel helpless to stand up for myself in those situations. Until I get backed in a corner…I actually don’t stand up for myself because I don’t think I’m worth fighting for. I don’t think anyone has ever made me feel like I was worth standing up for; probably not for lack of trying. I probably just never thought to let them. I’m pretty independent and the thought of depending on someone to “have my back” is hard for me but to be honestly honest…I just want someone to offer to light the match…I’ll throw it on the car the dick is in…drenched in gasoline.

Anger

Years ago, I would never have thought to tell people that I was angry. First, I just didn't recognize the feeling anger. I had stamped my feelings down so much that I could recognize sadness, which never ended in tears; I was too strong for that. Sometimes contempt. Never content, happy, joyous, and free. Just kind of neutral. Numb is probably a better word for it.


But about 3 years ago I entered the program and I was furious. I hated; HATED people. I hated what they wore, what they said; how they tried to hug me....back the fuck off, people. No touchy....you will leave with a limp.

People tiptoed around me because I would lash out at any given thing that I felt was an offense.  And it could just be that you are sitting there.  Because, God Damn it, that was MY spot.   I mean really....I used to succumb to this red tinged attitude. I would go off and not even really know what it was about. I'd lose my cool, as they would say.

A friend of mine says that he has 2 modes...off or go off.  That kind of summed me up.  Most of the time I was just OFF. 

Now? I get angry, but in appropriate ways. Sometimes. I'm in touch with my anger now and I seem to simmer at an even "bitch" level. For the most part I keep my mouth and feelings to myself. I understand that need for diplomacy. And I'm pretty good about how to word my frustrations. I can control that rage. Now, I have outlets. I "talk" about my anger.

But when I get really angry?I go looking for a dark corner to bring you to and hell is coming with me.