A couple of weeks ago my Mom gave us a scare. She exhibited symptoms of a stroke. Just lost memory of a whole previous week. She vomited on the way to the hospital. Didn't know what the date or year was. Thought her father was still alive. Very scary things.
My Dad called me after some of the tests came back negative and explained to me what had happened. He was trying to stay calm and keep me calm too but it was not working and I ended up sitting on the floor in WalMart because I was starting to freak out. Needless to say I ignored my Dad's commands to just wait til morning and then come over to Topeka. I made it in less then an hour to the hospital. I spent a few days there and then went home. Ends up that she just has high blood pressure and they felt that that was why she showed symptoms of a stroke. Either way, she's on meds, exercise and regular doctor's appointments.
But this scared me. I love my parents but I also love to poke fun at them and at their expense. Most kids do it to some degree so I feel safe in the knowledge that it is normal. But joking aside, I love my parents very much and really have come to depend on them. Their support, love and money for the toll road. And without them, I would be lost around getting a square meal or 4 in a month, the occasional tank of gas and lots of kidding about sleeping in on the weekends.
Now, I'm 37 years old. I should be self sufficient and for the most part I am. But the free gas, dinners and entertainment is not something I can turn down. I mean really. But I do feel like I've regressed to an early 20's female. I have managed to run out of money each 2 weeks. I don't have a relationship so am not emotionally invested with someone other then my weird dog Willow. I lean on my ex-husband to help me make decisions on things that would allow me to become more independent. I have managed to run off friends because I am slow to respond to things because I'm engrossed in something "important" at the time and just forgot. And I've managed to turn my desire to excel at a job to an almost dismal zero.
I hate my job. I've been with the company almost 12 years and I started off strong and got stronger until about 2 years ago. Now this is going to sound like an excuse but I got a new boss 2 years ago and from then on I've coasted and coasted and just about burned. I hate my job. And this is so forgien to me, I used to adore my job. nights, weekends, all times of the day and night. It was important to me to be a hard worker, to go above and beyond and to do it right the first time.
Now, there is no passion in my job. I don't work nights and weekends and I have no pleasure from the end results in my work. I'm a nothing and I'm completely hallowed out.
Lots of reasons for this and none of them important to this tale but suffice to say, I've checked out. And I'm not doing me any favors and definitely not my company. But this has given me the idea to do something different. And this leads me back to the story above. I want to make sure that my Mom (and Dad) are taken care of and are well and I feel like I can't do that from here. I can't be available as easily. So, I came to a decision. I'm going to quit my job and move to Topeka (about 80 minutes away). And I do realize how much that sounds like an excuse and I hate that.
I have been looking for a job here in Overland Park, KS for about 9 months. Its been a hard search with NO results. Finding a job here is going to be close to impossible. But I started thinking that finding a job somewhere else may have a better result. So I started thinking about where. Alaska came up on the list. As did Colorado. North Carolina....But when Mom's issue happened, Topeka rose to the top.
Topeka has about 125,000 people in it (as says Dad) and my parents know about 1/3 of them it seems like. Topeka is not a great city or culture center but what they do have going for them is their standard of living is about 1/2 of what Johnson County is. I can afford to be in Topeka better then Overland Park. And by knowing so many people, I kind of hope that my parent's connections may benefit me.
So....decision made. Parents are fighting it a bit and I think its more the job situation then me being there although I'm still not 100% on that. But I have an apartment picked out and all I have to do is put the money down. And decide on a date.
And job-wise....my current job has been given notice (as of today) and we're discussing the date for effective. I have several days I need off and that way warrant them just making the date effective immediately. But this is a huge weight off my shoulders. I've absolutely HATED working there for the last 6 months or so. It was effecting my health; both mental and physical.
Finding a new job is going to be hard. Mainly because it's Christmas for the next 2 weeks and no one is probably hiring but I'm putting out resume's and asking for interviews. I'm going to make a ton less then I make now but that's to be expected in Topeka. I actually look forward to the less responsibilities and not having to spend hours making decisions that ultimately someone else would change. Frustrating to be working in the corporate environment that lends itself to politics and rework.
My goal is to be in an apartment by the middle of January. That means a whole lot of packing and purging over the next month. And I should have the time to do so....
I guess this sounds like I'm running away from something and that I'm burying my head in the sand but in reality, this is me saving myself. I need to start over and I need to learn to do it the right way now. I need to find myself (<~~~cheesy, I know.....)
Wish me luck, I need it and I need to know you hope that for me. Don't give up on me, I really think this is best for me. And come see me. It's just a trip up the interstate and I'd be glad to show you all the WalMart people that show up in your in-box. I feel pretty confident that some of the ones I see in Topeka will make this website.
