The reason I believe I am alive today is because of Milo and God. At the time I would not have said God but looking back, it was always God that kept me alive when I so desperately wanted to be dead.
I know I've talked on here about my bipolar and how it affected me in my 23rd year. I was miserable and drinking like a hobo. I was blacking out when drinking but I was also blacking out when I was sober. It was my brain shutting down. I would sit for hours on my couch and be surprised when I came to that 5 hours had passed. Poor Milo had to go to the bathroom but I was unresponsive. This was the black period of my life. If I could describe to you what depth of blackness it was, it wouldn't be enough to give you the idea of what I was experiencing. I just floated in darkness. There was no hope or end in sight. I just existed.
I would not sleep for days. I lived in Independence Missouri at that time and Independence is not known for being a safe place to be out at night, in certain areas. I lived in those areas. But I would be walking Milo in the middle of the night; places I had no idea where I was. I would come to from a black out and it would be 3 in the morning and I didn't know where I was or how I had gotten there. Luckily I have a good sense of direction and I ultimately would get us home. Might take me an hour but I would get there. I can just imagine how tired Milo was after those episodes.
And red rages, God I was so angry. I didn't know at what or how to handle it but I would lash out at everything. Especially Milo. That dog was put in my life to save it. I do not doubt that. But the way I treated him was inexcusable. And I will do my part to make that up to him. I will never forgive myself for it but he has. He never shied away from me, cringing. He would sit there for a moment and then come over and put his head in my hand and just stand there til I calmed down. The dog was what I needed at the time. Just writing this has brought back memories and I'm crying over the pain I put him through. I love that dog so much...
But it got hard to breathe. I was having a hard time leaving my apartment. I would call sick into work. It was getting black all the time.
So I did what I had thought about my whole life. I took a bunch of pills. What happened next is only what my neighbor told me. But Milo went crazy. He was barking and scratching at the door. She said she waited about an hour before she knocked on my door and when I didn't answer, she thought something might be wrong. Milo was going crazy still. She called the complex and they brought the key over and, well...you can imagine. Milo knew something was wrong and tried to help; that is the only thing I can think of. Maybe he really needed to go outside or something but deep down in my heart, I think he saved me. Milo and God saved me....
I went to the hospital; I'm not smart enough to actually take pills that would have done damage. But they kept me under observation. I called my Mom to tell her that they wanted to admit me to the phsyc ward. She thought I would be fine without going into the hospital and in her defense, they didn't understand the despair I was in at that time. How black my life had gone. But I wonder what my life would be life if I had gone in...would I have been more stable between 23 and 33? I'll never know.
Shortly after that, my parents came to Independence (about 2 1/2 hours away from them) and brought me back to their house, where I stayed for awhile and then put the whole thing behind me and pretended nothing happened...until 2007...that's another story.
But Milo is still around. He's 15 and he is still the love of my life. He loves me so much, more then I deserve. He has never cringed from me. He will do whatever it takes to get in my lap and just lay there. And I will hurt so much when he is gone. He is the only thing I have ever felt unhinged love for. I love people in my life but I love Milo like no one else. It will be a very very sad day in my life but I know he goes on. I have to believe that God wants him as much as I want him. And, some day, I get to be with the man of my dreams forever.
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