Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

I lived a life without God and was shallow and desperate for anything that would help me out of my head. I used alcohol, shopping, marriage and work but none of them really did for me what I needed. What I was able to do (and this is ONLY because God believed in me when I didn’t believe in him) was be willing to look at other things. And again, that was only because I was working a 12 step program that kept my eye on the prize. A life without alcohol and pain; if I just tried. So I sought out books to try to fix myself and I had a friend give me The Shack and that completely changed my life.



The book was able to tell me how much God was willing to go to get me to return to him. They say to return to him but I always felt a little uncomfortable with that because it insinuates that I left him at some point. I did not willing leave a God, I just never believed in a God. How could a God let bad things happen? Why did I have to go through so much? How can God know every hair on my head? Why does he give such a damn? All of those things were answered for me in The Shack. I didn’t have to go to a priest; although I did. I could identify with the characters and the questions and concerns he had. I actually cried with him. I felt the pain and anger because it was so much like my pain and anger. And then I felt the hope and love and release. It walked me through my prejudice that I had for Christianity as a whole. Individual Christians or specially churches too; I was able to change my view that not all of them said one thing and did another like I thought most Christians were. They are still out there but not all of them are bad.



Reading The Shack cleared my mind and made me realize that something was going on around me that I could not explain away. I’m a very rationally, analytical thinker and if I couldn’t see/touch/smell/feel, it wasn’t there. But God is everywhere, not just a form of a person. But rather in all the things I could see/touch/smell/feel. I’m not going to go cheesy and say he’s in the laughter in a child and a rainbow. While I don’t doubt he is; God is in me and working through others to help me. I’m essentially a selfish person and I care how it affects me. I’ll probably never become a missionary and go thumpin’ my bible (which I do have one…one of my friends is just aghast at! ). But I have a God in my life that is so important to me. He loves me, in spite of myself. He talks to me through different people and through music. And I have someone to ask for help and he’ll give it. Maybe not on my schedule or the way I want it but it’s definitely there when I need it; he knows better than me.



I highly recommend The Shack for those that are questioning their faith and even for those that are strong in their faith. It’s actually fiction book but it was what I needed to hear and led me to a God that is love and understanding and there for me. That’s a good thing.

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

I’m torn about this. I actually have 2 things that I could live without in aspect that it would be nice to live without them. Being an alcoholic and being bipolar. I can’t image a life without both of these so it’s hard to dream about it. I don’t know what I would do if I was able to have a drink or two and not get totally shit faced. I would remember where I was the next morning. I’d never lose my keys or my pants. I could take $20 to the bar and come back with change. I wouldn’t wake up in strange man’s beds and try to piece together the series of events that got me there. I wouldn’t sleep til 1pm because I was hung over and I couldn’t get my ass out of bed to even walk my dogs. I guess I do know what my life would look like if I didn’t drink. It would be calmer and probably with more money (oh, wait…that didn’t happen).



If I wasn’t bipolar I would be able to sleep on my own. I would be able to navigate my way through social situations (maybe…). I wouldn’t have to take 14 pills a day. I wouldn’t have to go to a doctor every 2 weeks and get my levels checked. I could talk to people about my feelings because they are pretty vanilla and calm. I wouldn’t have to budget $3,000 a year for meds. I’d be able to be in a social situation and not cringe at the thought of someone talking to me and forget about touching me. I wouldn’t flinch at the thought of my mom hugging me. I’d be able to have a conversation with someone and be honest and look them in the eye. I would be able to function without pharmaceutical help.



But the thing is, my life today is pretty good. There are parts of it that I’d like to change but overall? I’ve got it pretty damn good. And I don’t know that I would be able to do those things above. I’m bipolar and an alcoholic…that is all I know. If I were to take one of those things away, I wouldn’t know what to do. I know how to handle me. I know how to ask for help (sometimes) and what my limitations are (also sometimes). I wouldn’t be me if those things were different. I’ve got a life today that I truly do not deserve but I am going to do everything in my power to continue to work on my life. I just know that there is a level of serenity that I can achieve, regardless of my “handicaps”. My recovery is up to me and I’m willing. Willingness is the key.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

There are so many people that have helped me over the years, to get to this place and time.

My parents for sacrificing so much of their time and love (and money) to make me safe within my world. For calling me all the time and getting me out of the house. And then just for being my friends too.  They truly love me and want me to be safe and happy.

My dog Milo.  Milo was with me when I went through my tough time when I was 23.  And he's been there for me through the divorce.  He is always going to love me and it really is because of him that I"m alive.  I so did not want to be alive but I couldn't leave him alone.

My friends in the program. For showing me what a sober way of life looks like. And that I don't have to drink to achieve that life.

The program...for all the promises that it gives me.

My friends outside the program that have stuck through the worst parts with me. Weathered my anger and lying.  Only to be there on the other side of the shit storm.  They are so patient.

And I guess the one thing that has made me feel like my life was worth living was me.  My life is worth living for because I am worth living.  I'm not going to be a famous person or filthy rich...but I've got a pretty good life. And so much to look forward to.  Why would I want to miss out on anything?  Pain or joy...it's a great way to experience things; to be present and willing.

Willingness to be humble

I find my life funny sometimes. I spend an enormous amount of time plotting and scheming to get things to go my way. They, of course, do not go the way I want them to go so I get pissy. I get to thinking really nasty thoughts about how things are crappy and nothing is ever going to go my way. And then, poof, I get what I needed. Not what I wanted, but what I needed. God knows what I need better than I do. Which is interesting because I'm pretty sure I know what I need...Guess I need to give the big guy some credit because I've got a pretty good life. There is not a lot that I would change with my life. Maybe be less stupid with my money...maybe be better about cleaning my house...maybe be more open to new things. All stuff that I have control over and are the first things to go when I get overwhelmed. Maybe that's something I need to work on?

I have decided to do art. Now, I say that because I have spent the first 35 years of my life telling people I have no creativity or talent. I truly believe that but lately I've just decided that it's OK if I try something and it doesn't work. It's OK to have an idea and it to end up looking stupid or failing. I don't have to tell people what I'm working on. I just can show the end result. So, I'm taking things slow. I have, of course, spent several hundred dollars already on getting the perfect workbench created and painted. I have spent hours and lots of dollars going over the supplies that I think I need. I have organized the whole thing (which is really satisfying). Now I just have to do....I have a notebook with ideas...I just need to do....and I want to make sure that they are unique things. I don't want to copy people's stuff but I want to do things that are attractive to me and that means looking at other people's stuff...

Dating? Well, let's just say that I'm out there and not really loving it. I went with a guy for about a month and then he went cold. So I guess that one was over. Now I'm talking to a couple different people and some are promising (one in particular). But I can't help but compare to others that I find attractive. I don't want to tear any of these guys clothes off. And that is what I think I have been missing most of my life. The passion. Maybe it can grow in a relationship. It doesn't need to be there in the beginning?!