Change of status

I have to admit that I had been dying to change my status on Facebook to "In a Relationship" for awhile. I just hadn't found a person to give me that opportunity.

Then I met Burke and was excited when I got to change my status. I got so many comments on this. From friends, they wanted to know what was going on. I hadn't really been telling people I was starting to see someone and so some where shocked.

Family was a bit of the same but I got the distinction that they were surprised I was even talking to men. I know my brother seems to think I'm going to be single for the rest of my life...which I may, at this point because I ended the relationship with Burke today.  A lot of contributing issues got me to this conclusion.  

I wasn't prepared to give him what he needed and I just couldn't compromise that much. I was being asked to NOT be me. My life is made up of reading things, watching movies, being with friends and sarcasm.  Which Burke didn't get, whether in person or on-line. This is my fault because I thought everyone got sarcasm.  And I am made up of about 97.3% sarcasm. Most of my friends wouldn't know what to  do if I was to turn serious and not be a smart ass.  So, trying to take that out of me was taking away my identity. And not something I could do, let alone want to do.

And the needs I had were not being met because he was so wrapped up in how I was or was not doing things right.  He was so internally focused that I just couldn't reach him.  I had to tiptoe around him because it seemed like everything I said or did was a direct hit to his ego. I was suffocating.

But dating Burke was fun. He was incredibly intelligent and had a lot of movies practically memorized. He had things in his head that were incredible; just the amount of knowledge he had.

But how I ended it was kind of chicken shit.  We talked the night before Thanksgiving and a lot of this is a direct result of that. It was not so much talking but rather it was me speaking as loud as I could with his son downstairs. Because if it had been just the two of us I would have been yelling because I was just done with all of it.  But I shut down towards the end because any thing I said was taken wrong. But I should have ended it then. I knew it was over before we ended up turning over and going to sleep.  But the next day was Thanksgiving and I was cooking a good portion of the dinner.  And I should have ended it when he walked me to the car but it was 29 degrees outside and I knew it wasn't right then.  So...chicken shit, I wrote an email and sent it.  I spent a lot of time on what to say in the email but it ended up being just a couple of lines because I assume he knows what ended it and how it wasn't good for us.

So I am single again and my status on Facebook is back to reflect that.  It might be awhile before I decide to date. Not because this one hurt, rather it frustrated me.  I just don't think I can find someone that will allow me to be who I am and not take things so personal.  Maybe there isn't anyone that can do that.

I'm going to let things just happen naturally.  No dating sites or such things.  If it happens, it's because God had a say in it and I'm OK with that.  I don't mind being alone. I actually really like it.

First Big Meet

Burke met the folks this weekend.

I would say that it went well and it would be true to say that everyone seemed to get along.  It did not go well for me...

I started the weekend off with getting no sleep Friday night.  This is not unusual, it happens sometimes with the way my meds work.  But this was a recipe for disaster this weekend.  I was already nervous about Burke coming to my house; due to the difference in our amount of things we own.  I was really nervous about how he would view the place I called home.  I had a lot of stuff and he is very minimalistic.

So that was the first thing I was nervous about this weekend.  Because it was not stressful enough for him to spend the night with me I decided to add meeting my folks to the mix.  Another thing to be nervous about.

The meet went well and everyone liked everybody.  I am getting this information through my folks and Burke because I was totally out of commission.  I had lost contact with reality.

I started vibrating around noon.  I made the decision to take my stimulant that morning regardless of not getting sleep.  Hoping it would help me stay on top of my game.   I didn't think it would have a negative effect but it did.  I was not able to sit still and couldn't manage to regulate my body temperature. I literally paced the house.  Stopping to straighten something or move the kitchen stuff around.  I'd rest for a bit and my mom or pickle would try to talk to me, telling me to relax and just breathe.  I would have liked to have told them to fuck off but I couldn't have completed a sentence at this point.  I kept starring at the clock and fidgeting.

I walked through the day as if I was about 5 steps behind reality.  This is what happens when I am nervous.  And I've been nervous a lot lately.  I shake and get to talking 936 miles a minute.  I definitely go manic.  But I start over analyzing things and worry.  I start hyperventilating and the shakes become all over the body tremors.  In other words, I act like I'm on crack...

He got there and everything was fine....I think they talked about food or something.  Dad did a pretty good job of staying engaged and after about 154 hours...the folks left.  I just about rolled out of my chair...I was exhausted.  Burke did a great job of calming me down and we went on a walk with the dogs.  The cold air helped clear out the cobwebs for a bit.

The primary reason for having Burke come over was that I was having dinner with some friends in my Cube Car Club.  I wanted Burke to go with me.  Mainly because I had always been the odd girl out with the group.  I started the group with one guy and we had a 3rd join shortly afterwards.  We've been trying to find more since.  The two guys always had their wife or kid with them and I was the token single girl.  But not anymore!!! I was bring Burke to show him off. As a side note....we had a new guy show up to the dinner so that brings us to 4!!!!  And right now we have 2 others that are going to try to come to the next one. 

Yes, I know this makes me a dork but I am so happy that we have a car club.  It's exciting to meet new people and hang out with people that I normally might never have met.  I love that I get to plan things since I'm a total planner in life.

But back to the story...I started crashing around 6pm.  We were meeting for dinner at 6 and between having no sleep for about 36 hours and the pressure of Burke meeting friends and family...I about passed out.  I tried to get a kick of sugar before the dinner, hoping that would help me rally up for the dinner but it didn't...

I spent dinner watching the TV in the restaurant and not speaking to anyone. Not out of rudeness but because I kind of tuned everyone out.  I was completely out of it. I think I was asked a question or two but I honestly don't remember what we talked about.  By the time we got the check and went home, I was on fumes...  Got upstairs, in PJ's, meds and gave a small snuggle to Burke, then promptly fell asleep.  It was 8:15pm....I'm a winner!

Burke did awesome with meeting everyone. I wish I could have been able to help guide him and support him through the day. Burke was nervous too but he was stellar that night. Especially since he had to entertain himself after 8pm. He got to entertain himself and I think he got watch a couple of movies. I'm a great girlfriend.  Sorry Burke!!!

I think I'm going to stick with driving to his place or him to mine and watching movies....I don't know that I would live through another Saturday like that!

bleh.....

So I had committed to this 30 days of posting and I got to day 20 but honestly...I just don't want to do it anymore.  The last 10 are kind of "bleh" for me...I take that back.  There are a couple that are very interesting to me; something that I would like to write about.  But thats like 3 of the 10.  So I may do those three and then call it good.  I told you I wasn't good at commitment and I tend to half ass things...so you'll get 23 or so of the 30...that'll have to be good.


In related news that is not related at all....I changed my status on Facebook to "In a Relationship with Mr Burke"...I have wanted to change my relationship status since I was on Facebook...  I see all these other people do it and I was jealous.  Thankfully, Mr Burke accepted my request for changing my status to linking our lives together.  That was a relief.

I got a wide range of responses.  My brother said "What is this?" like he was asking what the hell I was thinking.  A couple of my friends made comments about the fact that we hadn't talked for awhile because this was a shock.  I think my friends and family have gotten so used to me being single that the thought of me actually dating someone is going to mess with their minds.  Some people wanted to know what the story was.  The real reason was that I just wanted to announce to every 164 people that I am friends with that I finally got a guy to want to commit to me...

I like to gloat...