Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

I’m torn about this. I actually have 2 things that I could live without in aspect that it would be nice to live without them. Being an alcoholic and being bipolar. I can’t image a life without both of these so it’s hard to dream about it. I don’t know what I would do if I was able to have a drink or two and not get totally shit faced. I would remember where I was the next morning. I’d never lose my keys or my pants. I could take $20 to the bar and come back with change. I wouldn’t wake up in strange man’s beds and try to piece together the series of events that got me there. I wouldn’t sleep til 1pm because I was hung over and I couldn’t get my ass out of bed to even walk my dogs. I guess I do know what my life would look like if I didn’t drink. It would be calmer and probably with more money (oh, wait…that didn’t happen).



If I wasn’t bipolar I would be able to sleep on my own. I would be able to navigate my way through social situations (maybe…). I wouldn’t have to take 14 pills a day. I wouldn’t have to go to a doctor every 2 weeks and get my levels checked. I could talk to people about my feelings because they are pretty vanilla and calm. I wouldn’t have to budget $3,000 a year for meds. I’d be able to be in a social situation and not cringe at the thought of someone talking to me and forget about touching me. I wouldn’t flinch at the thought of my mom hugging me. I’d be able to have a conversation with someone and be honest and look them in the eye. I would be able to function without pharmaceutical help.



But the thing is, my life today is pretty good. There are parts of it that I’d like to change but overall? I’ve got it pretty damn good. And I don’t know that I would be able to do those things above. I’m bipolar and an alcoholic…that is all I know. If I were to take one of those things away, I wouldn’t know what to do. I know how to handle me. I know how to ask for help (sometimes) and what my limitations are (also sometimes). I wouldn’t be me if those things were different. I’ve got a life today that I truly do not deserve but I am going to do everything in my power to continue to work on my life. I just know that there is a level of serenity that I can achieve, regardless of my “handicaps”. My recovery is up to me and I’m willing. Willingness is the key.