I have to forgive myself for all the wasted years I feel that I lost due to not being willing. This goes back to yesterday's thing about what I love most about myself. That was how willing I’ve become. Because I was not willing before and I really cut myself off from other people and experiences. Different movies and music. Finding a person that I could connect with (not just men relationships but any relationships). I lost out on a lot of experiences that could have molded me into a better person. Or least in a better place in my life. All because I wasn’t willing to take that risk and get to know people. I couldn’t risk the fact that I could have been hurt but just to think about what I would have gained. That is what keeps me angry at myself. I hate that I looked the other way because it was easier then actually working at something. I just assumed things would come to me when/if I needed them. Instead of working at things, I half assed it. I actually can half ass half assing...
So forgiveness is coming slowly. I find myself more calm with situations that used to baffle me. It's easier to give myself a break when I start berating myself for not doing something right. I'm human and make mistakes. That's probably the biggest thing actually...the forgiveness for not being perfect. I'm never going to be perfect and to try to live up to that standard is not possible nor realistic. My expectations are that I can achieve it and if I don't...I'm a piece of shit. Well, I'm not a piece of shit. I'm a pretty decent human being that is never going to be perfect. And that is really all I can, or even should, ask for.
Making mistakes is what brings out the biggest achievements sometimes. I have to remember that I'm not perfect and that doesn't make me a bad person. It makes me like everyone else.
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