Only a mother could love her looks

I absolutely adore Willow.  I loved The Dogs (Mighty Milo and Sissy Girl); I don't think anyone would argue that.  But they were old when they passed. I really don't remember them as puppies. I mean there are specific episodes that I remember but I just remember them being casual and relaxed.  Not as an excuse for why I feel like I love Willow more but more so people remember that I loved them. They were great dogs.

And I think there is a little bit of guilt around this.  I feel like I've forgotten Milo and Sammie. I feel like I was a horrible parent and didn't let them be a true dog. I abused them by not letting them be on the couches.  I never took them to a dog park, they didn't have bones on a regular basis....yadda yadda yadda. I struggle with all of that...

But Willow absolutely makes me laugh out loud.  She gets so excited to see me.  She will launch herself at me when I sit down on the floor to see her.  She talks to me all the time.  I understand that dogs "don't talk" but I assure you that Willow does.  If she gets irritated with something or someone, she will grumble and snort.  She knows when shes in trouble because she'll start meowing at me to forgive her.  And she will groan and grumble when I come home and she is so excited to see me.  I love coming home!

So, with this new love of my life, I'm a different kind of dog owner. She is on the couches (which was a HUGE no-no with The Dogs).  I have been known to give her VERY small bites of human food.  But that is going to stop. Human Food is for Humans....and she has 3 bones every day (which she loves and reminds me to give her them several times a day)

And for all those people that I made fun of for dressing their dogs....I apologize.  That's an official apology. Those don't come from me very often. 

So I have a nice little wardrobe for her in the colder months.  My reasoning is because she has so little hair and so she'll get cold easily.  Which my vet confirmed but wouldn't go on record saying that I should buy her clothes.  Guess she didn't want to have to do that for everyone.

But I have found an all new level.  HALLOWEEN!!!!  Yes people, Willow has her own Halloween costume.  I honestly wasn't planning on a costume, I just stumbled onto them at Target.  This is actually Crawford's fault...she talked me into going to Target.  Or I could have talked her into it but lets stick with it being Crawford's fault.

I bought the shark one first and then found that she had a hard time jumping up on things.  So I went with the bat one. I need to make some alterations to the bat one but not a lot. 

Starting October 1st, on our nightly walks, she's Willow the Bat Girl!!!

And since we're showing each other our kid's photos....

She has taken to sleeping on the "bolster" I have at the top of the bed.  I used to use that as my pillow but she took this over and I have, yet, to take control back.  And not just with reclaiming my pillow; this dog walks all over me.

I can't remember if I ever posted this but this was the result of our very first walk. I don't think she had ever been walked or on a leash and she was not happy about it at the time.  I ended up dragging her several feet before I turned around and found this situation.

I know, by all standards and others eschewed vision of beauty, this dog would be called ugly. And I'm very biased... she is probably so ugly that she's cute...that's how others have explained that.

But to me, she is gorgeous.....



Deep Thoughts by Willow Grace



Romance is dead

I don’t think the divorce made me bitter.  I really don’t. I mean, at first I was devastated but I never really got mad about it. I went through the normal stages of loss.  I think it took longer than necessary but that was me, not the people in my life.  I just wasn’t ready to give up some of the feelings that I had.  I liked living in the misery.  I, of course, sought help and got it.  I know that I am a better person for the divorce.  I know that I healed better in the last 4 years then if I tried to get through it sooner.  Maybe not the best way to get over it but it was what I had to do to keep me sane. I’m a slow learner I guess.

So the fact that I don’t think I’m bitter is something I’m telling myself over the last couple of years when it comes to chick flicks.  I honestly cannot handle them. I have not seen some of the major ones that girlfriends talk about.  I don’t think it’s realistic to watch them.  Those situations with those people will never happen in my life.  I’m not blonde, skinny; I do not have flawless skin.  I have the frizziest hair I have ever seen if I grow it out longer then my chin.  I attempt to color my hair to save money and ultimately end up looking like Elvira because I just go dark no matter what color I choose.  I lose and gain weight on a regular basis and I will not be a size 2…maybe a 12 but I would have to starve myself to get lower than that.  And I don’t have the discipline to do that.  So chick flicks are not something I want to invest in.  I just don’t identify with the circumstances or the hijinx that happens when two meet and fall in love and save the planet.

I don’t remember liking chick flicks before the divorce but I also don’t remember hating them.  I was reading chick lit but towards the end that was starting to not work for me.  Unfortunately, I was not living in reality when reading those books and so I had to stop reading them.  I have one book that I still read and will probably keep doing so because it’s really good.  I have one chick flick that I think is great and will keep watching it because it’s really good.  But I have made a conscious decision to not watch movies or read anymore books because I tend to really get into movies and books and I get wrapped up in the stories and I get invested.  When I’m reading, I live as those characters and I start thinking about how I would react in those situations and how I would like it to end. Trying to put myself in that situation.

I have a pretty fierce imagination.  It’s a lifetime of reading to escape or watching a life lived differently than mine.  I have tendencies to day dream when I’m not engaged in work or with people.  I’ve had these scenarios, as I call them, all my life and I run them through my head on a regular basis.  They always change for something I’ve thought of or read that day.  And I run them over and over.  To the point where I sometimes forget where I really am.  If I have a weekend of reading and watching movies, I wake up Monday morning, crashing down to reality.  They are that vivid.  And I am constantly disappointed because I didn’t achieve the outcome I wanted and rehearsed in my head.  I have had to apologize to people in my life because I have voiced my frustration with them or the situation because it did not go the way I needed/wanted/had to have it go only to realize that it was something in my head and not lived outside of that.

And that is what Chick Flicks mean to me; shattered and unrealistic expectations, misunderstanding and heartache.  Why in the world would you put yourself in that situation?  Why put those in your life in those situations?  Women go through life wanting to have the significant others in their life to do the things that the Hollywood Hotties do in those movies and that is unrealistic to put others up against that measuring stick.

Maybe I am bitter….I probably come across as being against romance and true love.  To the contrary….I would love to live a chick flick.  I really would give anything to have a love that defies the odds.  Go to exotic places and be whoo’d.  Have someone tell me how beautiful I am and how I make him lose his breathe because I’m the only thing in the world that would kill him if he lost me.  I would kill to have someone tell me that they adore me, everything about me. I want to hold hands when we walk and I really would give anything to find myself dancing in the kitchen with him because it feels good to be held close.  All these things….I would give anything to have.  But I know that reality kicks in and I’m leaning closer to 40 and I’m no closer to any of those things.  You couldn’t dance in my kitchen, I think my passport is ready to expire and so I couldn’t get to an exotic place and I don’t think I’m a person that someone can adore.

So, while I probably come across as bitter, I really am not.  I probably hold this grudge against the movies and books because I’m trying to make a statement to myself that I’m being realistic and not allowing any kind of hope of romance in.  Maybe I need to watch more movies that are not centered on guns, blood and bad ass costumes.  I enjoy those but they don't actually make me feel sexy or show me ways to entice a husband.  I’m beginning to see where I might have to make some alterations.  I could stand to maybe feel like a woman rather then a bystander to a drive by shooting.

I hope this doesn't come across as a social statement.  It's really not.  I see where my thinking is wrong and that it would behoove me to actually open my mind up to trying new things (not just chick flicks) and to be open to having different outcomes to those I have concocted up in my weird scenarios.  This is probably a whole session (or two) with my therapist....I'll have to forward her the post and see what we can talk about next week!

This sounds like wild rantings of a lunatic.  It really does....crap...but I have a pretty big ego and I'm going to put this out there.  I'm not ranting, I really don't think so.  But I guess I have to look at my motivations around why I'm writing this post.

I've got a whole weekend and Netflix...maybe I'll look into the romance movies and try not to be so scorned. Because I'm really not....I swear.

Milo James

I did this for Sammie before she passed and I had every intention of doing this for Milo.  It just didn't seem I had little amount of time.

 Milo was a God send.  I had no intention of having a dog.  My parents had a dog all my life but it was never my dog.

I moved away from my family for my 23rd year.  I honestly can't remember when I moved away and when I moved back.  I know it was over a year but not sure exactly when.

I went to a PetsMart one day with my sis-in-law, for her to get some treats for their dog and that is when I met the love of my life.  He pushed his way into my lap in a ring of other dogs looking for attention.  He literally curled up in my lap.  He took my heart then and I filled out the paperwork immediately for adoption.  Never mind the rental agreement at the apartment complex or my roommate.  I did not discuss this decision with anyone...





The first year was so much fun.  I'd drink and pass out for hours.  Milo would go hungry and thirsty for hours on end.  When I start to drink, I would get angry.  Why was all this on me?  Why did I have to do these things?  So I lash out at Milo and did terrible things to him.  Through it all, he loved me and never shied away from me.  He was a great dog.



Milo and I moved back to live with my parents and I quickly met and married the practice husband.  I think he was a little jealous of my relationship with Milo.  And he had a right to be.  I loved Milo completely, without holding things back.  Not fair to the practice husband because I couldn't do that with him.  Part of the reason for the divorce.

Milo became an old man.  He loved to roll around on his back in the middle of the livingroom.  He would spend an obscene amount of time staring at you if you had something that smelled good (or bad for that matter.)

                     He took to laying in weird places.

But he never changed.  He still loved me and would still bump his head into my lap or under my chin.  He wouldn't move as fast as he used to but he managed to make the jump up and down from the very tall bed I slept in and managed to find his spot on the bed with him at my feet.

His passing has been horrible.  It's only been about 2 weeks and I can't believe he's gone.  I can't believe they are BOTH gone.  After I found out about Willow coming sooner, I started crying. I stood in front of their pictures and cried and talked to them.  I wanted them to know that I was not loving them any less and I definitely did not think she was going to replace them in my heart.  But I was so miserable about sleeping alone and being alone in the house. I hadn't been alone for over 14 years.  I didn't like it.

So, I miss my little man.  I want him back. I would do A LOT if I thought it would bring him back.  But it's not going to happen. I have so little amount of control over that.  So I'm spending my next several years with a new baby.  She'll be a good addition to my life.

To my Female Parental unit

Happy Mother's Day...you've been a mother for over 36 years and are perfecting the art of it.

My Mom has been so awesome over the last several of years.  Not that she hadn't been for the preceding 33; rather, she's hit a rhythm.  I wasn't always the easiest to be around when I was in my early 20's. I tended to run away from things and let others deal with them.  My marriage brought me closer to her but I was still distant.  Something I'm not proud of but it was just what I did.  The end of my marriage skyrocketed my need for my mother.

I went through hell in 3 years and my Mom was always there.  She would come to KC to spend a week with me, then go home to spend a week with my Dad.  She did this for a year or more.  Most of the time it was because we like hanging out and shopping but for several months there it was because she HAD to be there or I was going to crumble.  She put her life on half hold until I was able to be on my own.

Now, she comes over and we spend a lot of time doing things together.  It's my fault when we butt heads; she tries really hard to not do that.  I like to think I'm getting better about that.

Mom has a son who has 3 very lovely daughters and this gives my Mom (and Dad) great pleasure.  I give them dogs and humor.

Happy Mother's Day to my fantastic Mother, a fellow "crafter", a teacher, a learning buddy, thrift shop buddy and an all around giving person.  I'm truly blessed.

This is what scared looks like....

First...I suck at blogging. I honestly think I'm getting dumber.  Is that the right grammatical way to say I'm be less smart...I blame it on soda and ice cream. I seem to be getting higher and higher pounds on me and so my brain is making room.

But the real reason I find myself on my computer on Sunday at 1:51 in the morning is because I feel like I lived through something this last couple of days.  It was actually one of my biggest fears.  I thought I was going to lose Milo.

Now, Milo is 16 and bless him...he deserves some peace and quiet.  But I came home on Thursday and he was a hot wet mess.  He couldn't get off the bed.  When I got him off the bed, he couldn't walk straight. Every few minutes he would have a case of the shakes and he would whimper. I don't think that I reacted right away because, while not normal, it was still kind of funny.  Until I got a better look at him.  He wasn't able to look straight.  He did circles and then he suddenly went slack.  I grabbed him and got out the door and to the vet in about 5 minutes

After a lot of discussion and an x-ray, I took him home. Mostly because the $300 vet bill was more then I could afford and the next round of tests would have been blood work and that was another $150.  I told them that I would take him home for a bit and if needed, I'd bring him back the next day.

Looking back, I am actually very proud of myself. I don't think I over reacted.  He slept for about 15 minutes and then jump up and get disorientated.  I'd jump up and pace the perimeter of the bed so he wouldn't fall off.  That went on for a couple of hours.  It was about 1:00 am that I figured out that I could take him off the bed and that way I could still sleep.

Friday found him better. Not 100% but definitely better. I think we agreed it was a stroke.  Seems like a minor one but still scary.

Saturday brought him doing laps around the downstairs.  I don't know that I was every happier then I was to see him get a little pep in his step.  For a 16 year old dog, he's pretty spry.

And the one thing that I did? I stayed calm. I truly did.  I'm really proud of myself.

But the thought of Milo leaving me?  That is what scared looks like...

The look of love

I'm not going to excite you with the details but starting to date someone is exciting. I honestly haven't had the pleasure of dating someone for the last 3 years and then 9 years before that.  So technically, I have not had a new relationship for over 12 years.

Unfortunately...it is not like riding a bicycle.  I am learning all over again, what it means to be a partner.

I know some may ask how I went from just meeting and agreeing to be exclusive about 4 days ago; to talking about being a partner.  Nothing in this relationship is normal to me.  But normal to me is sitting in my bedroom watching Netflix on my 15" laptop and the dogs taking up 3 of the 4 corners of my bed...that was normal.

Now, I have to allow for others.  Other's opinion, other's schedule, other's emotions and other's needs.  I don't think I'm going to nail this in a record time. I'm going to fumble at first; and I already have.

I assume that everyone shows emotions my way; the way I feel love (See the 5 Love Languages for pointers...seriously).  I am a demonstrative person. I will touch you, rub your back, make dinner, buy small items...that's how I show love.  I do not say it as regularly as I should because I don't need to hear it regularly.  I typically only say it after someone else has said it and I know that that is what they are looking for; to be told...in those words. Preferably without being prompted

I had a past relationship that required (in my mind) ungodly amount of need to be touched, loved (told) and catered to.  That is my wording...in reality, he probably just asked me to do it non-stop because I was not feeding his need for attention.  He NEEDED that and I chose not to do that. Mainly because he asked for it.

I see the stupidity in it now.  He was actually trying to help me so I could love him the right way.  I chose to ignore that.  The end result was a divorce; and rightly so.

Now...I am not blind to the irony.  Not only does my man have the same first name; but he has a lot of the same needs that the practice husband had...I think God is testing me.

So I don't want to mess this up. I don't have ANY intention in getting married again. That's not an option right now.  But I do want a relationship and that means WORK.  I have to work at being in a relationship and especially in a relationship with someone that has different needs then me.  It's my responsibility to ask what his needs are and to then tell him what I'm willing and able to do.  And not cut corners but step up and be willing.  Willing to do things differently because doing things the same way gets me the same results...heartbroken.  I don't think I can do that again.

And that's another point.  If I were to go into this with all intentions of just holding back a little bit because I'm afraid of getting hurt?  I'm going to fail.  And in order to learn and grow and try love...I have to give it my all.  I can't hold back.

I can wear safety gear to a project site but I've got to get my hands dirty to build anything.

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

I lived a life without God and was shallow and desperate for anything that would help me out of my head. I used alcohol, shopping, marriage and work but none of them really did for me what I needed. What I was able to do (and this is ONLY because God believed in me when I didn’t believe in him) was be willing to look at other things. And again, that was only because I was working a 12 step program that kept my eye on the prize. A life without alcohol and pain; if I just tried. So I sought out books to try to fix myself and I had a friend give me The Shack and that completely changed my life.



The book was able to tell me how much God was willing to go to get me to return to him. They say to return to him but I always felt a little uncomfortable with that because it insinuates that I left him at some point. I did not willing leave a God, I just never believed in a God. How could a God let bad things happen? Why did I have to go through so much? How can God know every hair on my head? Why does he give such a damn? All of those things were answered for me in The Shack. I didn’t have to go to a priest; although I did. I could identify with the characters and the questions and concerns he had. I actually cried with him. I felt the pain and anger because it was so much like my pain and anger. And then I felt the hope and love and release. It walked me through my prejudice that I had for Christianity as a whole. Individual Christians or specially churches too; I was able to change my view that not all of them said one thing and did another like I thought most Christians were. They are still out there but not all of them are bad.



Reading The Shack cleared my mind and made me realize that something was going on around me that I could not explain away. I’m a very rationally, analytical thinker and if I couldn’t see/touch/smell/feel, it wasn’t there. But God is everywhere, not just a form of a person. But rather in all the things I could see/touch/smell/feel. I’m not going to go cheesy and say he’s in the laughter in a child and a rainbow. While I don’t doubt he is; God is in me and working through others to help me. I’m essentially a selfish person and I care how it affects me. I’ll probably never become a missionary and go thumpin’ my bible (which I do have one…one of my friends is just aghast at! ). But I have a God in my life that is so important to me. He loves me, in spite of myself. He talks to me through different people and through music. And I have someone to ask for help and he’ll give it. Maybe not on my schedule or the way I want it but it’s definitely there when I need it; he knows better than me.



I highly recommend The Shack for those that are questioning their faith and even for those that are strong in their faith. It’s actually fiction book but it was what I needed to hear and led me to a God that is love and understanding and there for me. That’s a good thing.

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

I have lived when I never thought I would live. After the divorce, I didn't think I would be able to live without my practice husband. I remember sitting in my therapist’s office, on my knees, weeping with huge hiccups. You know, the kind of crying where you can’t talk because you are trying to bring in these huge gulps of air and you just can’t keep up with the need to talk, to tell someone how much it hurts. Just the gut wrenching sobbing…I could not live without the practice husband in my life. How could you suggest it? I would take him in any way possible; even if it was not healthy.

And then I got to a point where I just could not be around him. I was hurting so much because he didn’t want me back. He wanted me in his life and I wanted to be in his life too but he did not want me the way I wanted him. It got too hard…so I walked away from him. And I lived. I managed to get dressed the next day. The next week I was able to stop looking at my phone to see if I had a text from him. It took me awhile but I didn’t think about him as much. And it started to hurt less. I even went on a few dates…things that I thought I would never be able to do because it wasn’t him. How was I ever going to be loved the way he loved me? I’ll never find anyone ½ as good as him as a person. No one is ever going to be as funny as him. But I was paying my bills. I was going to meetings. I ate dinner. I even went to a few movies; alone.

Now, he’s back in my life but in a different context. I don’t want a relationship with him. He is now not healthy. He has a lot to work on and it’s not my job to help him with that. We’ll go to movies or dinner. Its fun to text him things that I know he’ll find funny. He’s helping me with my bills and I’m doing his grocery shopping. It’s a relationship that is built on a friendship and even love that is deep but that we are no longer in love with each other. But that is such a different place then I was over the last couple of years.

I used to think that I will never love someone as much as I loved him. But I have never been in love with someone like I was with him. Maybe, someday, I’ll find someone that just takes my breath away. I think I loved him as much as I could but I believe that I’m capable of much more now. I have this emotional well that I have no idea where the bottom is but it’s beyond my sight. And I’m willing to take the chance to love someone else, to give of myself readily to someone else. There is such potential for pain but I am so excited about the other side of that coin. I am so ready for the chance to prove to someone how much I am capable of…

But now, I can live without him. I have to because he's not "the one" anymore. He's a friend that I love and will always love.  But he could not fulfill my needs, and I have to have my needs fulfilled.

So I used to think I couldn't live without him but I know I can and I want to.  Anything that I think I can't live without are probably things that I shouldn't be holding onto.  My need for Diet Coke isn't necessarily something that I would die without.  And even my pills for the bipolar...I could live without. At least I hope I would. But that's not something I'm willing to test.  I keep thinking that I have to have 52 oz of slushy from Quik Trip or I'll never get through the day, yet I do.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

I knew I wasn't going to be able to do this everyday...sorry guys. Just got busy yesterday.

Unrealistically, I hope I never lose a loved one, that I'll never lose a job or a limb.  But I guess my real hope is that I hope I never lose my desire to live my life.  For so many years, I had zero desire to love, laugh or live.  I just was in so much pain being me that I truly hoped to die...anytime.  If I had an guts it would have been long ago.

But now I hope that I never go back to the way I used to be before I came in the program. That I have to think about all the ways to kill myself.  How I was hoping that it would just happen randomly. I never thought about what it would do to others, I just wanted to stop feeling pain.  To stop being so sad.

I hope I never have to lose my sense of self and what an amazing thing it is to be able to just breathe.  If that is my only job in life (to breathe) then I'm going to do my absolute best to continue to do what my higher power wants from me.

I just have to listen to him and wait for instructions.  I hope I'm listening...

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

I hope that I find the strength to be present in my life and stop thinking about all the things that I think are missing. Stop putting up barriers in my life that just keep me from experiencing the truth of the my life.  I'd like to be able to trust and love first and not automatically assume that everyone is out to get me.  I'd like to be fearless in the face of uncertainty.

I hope to find the courage to continue to try new things, to be open to others and I hope that I never lose that conscious contact with my higher power.  I hope that I am willing to continue to learn and grow from my program but also to learn and grow with those in my life that mean everything to me.

I hope that I come to understand what it means to truly love something.  To put all my faith and love into something without fear of rejection.  To know that I had given my all and that it's just good enough...not perfect but good enough.

I guess it boils down to I hope that I continue to be willing to do things differently because, on my own....I'm not capable of giving myself a life that I really do deserve and one that is worth hoping that it'll continue.

30 days of posting

 I'm totally stealing this from a blog I came across. I've since lost who the blog was between copy and pasting. My Internet Explorer crashed on me between them and luckily I tend to start my posts in Word to make sure all my grammar and spelling are correct so I didn’t lose this whole thing…just the blog I was on to swipe this from. F'ing Microsoft bastards.


I like the idea of opening up a little bit about myself and letting all 3 (yes...I now have 3 followers!!!!! I'm going pro!) people that follow my blog know so much about me. So here is what I'm going to write about for the next 30 days:


Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself



Just to set expectations now….don't expect a post every single day for the next 30 'cause that’s a pretty big commitment and I just know me. Now, I could surprise all of us and do it every day. Don’t be upset if we’re doing this over the next 3 months…I do promise to have this done before January 1!!


So, Day 1 -- here's something I hate about myself: I hate my desperate and pathetic need to be the center of attention. I like to think I'm a confident person who likes who she is and believes in herself, but my perverse need for attention stands in stark contrast to that perception. I try very hard to be less of an attention-whore, but I just don't have as much fun socially if I'm not dominating the conversation or having everyone all around me hang on every word of my fascinating stories Fortunately I'm blessed to have friends who don't seem to care and love me anyway even though I hog the spotlight, but I still feel like a dick the next day when I realize how much of a jerk I was. I really beat myself up over this but I can't seem to stop.



Well, that was fun! Let's hope Day 2 can keep this momentum going!