There are friends that I lost before I got sober. Some were good to go but some where really painful to lose. One was a drinking buddy that would never get over me not drinking. I think she felt like I abandoned her; which I kind of did. She was toxic to be around. But the only reason I was holding onto her for so long was because I didn’t have anyone else. At least no one I thought of. In reality I have 2 very good friends that have been with me for 10 years and are lovely ladies. Both are actually better then lovely…they rock!
Another friend I lost because I was toxic for her. I was spiraling downward so much that she had to get out in order to stay healthy. I totally get that and I respect that. I just wish I could have her back as a friend now because she would be such a blessing in my life. But I ruined those opportunities. And that’s OK. I just have to know that I had to go through what I did to make it to this place and she did what she had to do to get to her place. I miss her though.
There are ex boyfriends that I actually had no problem letting go of. But there are some random guys in there that were never boyfriends but could have potentially been. And really it was more so the way they made me feel about myself that I had a hard time letting go of. Some made me feel gorgeous. Some were slobbering all over themselves and that made me feel sexy. And then there are just the ones that I couldn’t control and those appeal to me. Kind of like I couldn’t get enough of their confidence. It was addictive.
The practice husband was hard to let go of. I didn’t let go of him for several years actually. We called it “being friends” but really we were both living with the ideal us and not wanting to move on. It was more comfortable being comfortable instead of growing up. Which meant growing apart.
I think the biggest thing I didn’t want to let go of was my marriage. At least I didn’t want to let go of the fact that there was someone there that loved me and wanted me and just couldn’t be without me. Of course that was not the case towards the end of the marriage. But I didn’t want to see that. I wanted it to be something else. But it was easy to just gloss that over. I miss having that companionship. Someone to go to dinner with, hang out and watch TV, go for walks…all stuff I do now, just alone. I miss not having to be alone. I don’t want to give up the relationship because I am tired of being alone. Three years and I’m still trying to hold onto something that is so evasive and unhealthy but I don’t want to be alone. God knows, if I just open my hand and let go of it…I’d find that my hand is being held by something else.
