It's about time

So, without any input from me really (thankfully) I have started seeing someone. It’s still early days but I can honestly say I want a relationship with this man.  I’ve been on quite a few 1st dates, two 2nd dates and no 3rd dates.  Those 2 that were 2nd dates; one was wanted and the 2nd was not.  But I’ve never made it past a 2nd date with a guy.  I think it’s because I tend to share info about myself that probably isn’t appropriate at that time in getting to know someone.  I share too much because I don’t want there to be any misunderstandings later. I want to prep them for my alcoholism and bipolar because some people feel that those are deal breakers.  And I don’t want to get invested with someone who is only going to drop me when they find out about my “issues”.  Of course, it’s better for me when I have the one guy that blinked, gulped and then asked me a question about it, as though he wanted to know more.  I think I actually started falling for him at that point but I don’t want to speak so soon.

But this guy…Burke (it’s actually his last name but his first name is the same as my ex and I’m not ready to call someone that), is great. We spoke every day for a week before we met.  And not just spoke but really talked.  I should take a break here and say…when I say talked/spoke…it was through IM or text.  Neither of us is big on talking on the phone.  It was great to find a guy that was the same way.  We actually spoke once, the night of the date, to make sure I had the address.  But the whole week prior to the date was spent talking about EVERYTHING.  I cannot think of one thing that I left out or that is not absolutely necessary for him to know.  I found someone that is as funny as me (I know…it’s shocking to me too☺). He is very smart (like brilliant to a fault) and giving.  He’s a bigger nerd then me but that adds to his plus column.  He does have action figures but to be honest, so do I.  He’s going to treat me with respect and affection; I know this already.  He’s going to ask my opinion and really wants to know the answers.  I may have more say over what we do as a couple but he’ll have more say over the important things, like what I’m allowed to get away with (jokingly) and what I mean to those people in his life.

I’m petrified of the actual dating though.  I don’t open up to people very much (despite writing on this blog) and I definitely am skittish about anything physical.  (Relax Mom, I mean kissing and holding hands…harmless…).  But the thought of kissing makes me SQUEEEEEE….I get these butterflies and my tummy gurgles.  I blush (who blushes anymore???) and start hyperventilating.  I know how to kiss.  I think I’m a fairly good kisser but think about it, if you are married or involved with someone for awhile…do you kiss?  Like KISSSSS?  I didn’t when I was married which may have contributed to my divorce maybe.  But I want to suck face with this guy.  I want to get tiny little kisses on my cheek or forehead.  I would love to be kissed.  But the thought of having the first couple of kisses is seriously messing with me.  I’m almost to the point where I want to just tackle him, sit on his chest so he can’t move and then kiss him at least 3 times…just to get it out of the way…not very romantic but yet still an option.

There are some thing that concern me…he’s been married twice.  Both reasons for the divorces were adequate in my mind but I’m not sure I want to be #3…I’m not sure I want to be anyone’s wife.  I think I cured myself of marriage with being married to the ex.  My ex is a great guy.  A really good guy.  We just fell apart and neither was prepared to pick the other up; we were hurting by that point.  So he did what he thought was the right thing; which eventually for me was the right thing.  I was devastated though. It honestly has taken me almost 2 ½  years to get over that.  But I have.  And I honestly think I’m at my ideal self.  I don’t think I would be ready to date anyone a year ago.  It has taken me a lot to get to my at least first copy of my ideal self.  I’ve healed a lot of my pains (from the ex and in my younger life).  I’m ready to do the things that are necessary in a relationship.  I’m practically skipping around my life right now, I’m so happy.  But I'm 36 and I have a really hard time with being called "girlfriend".  I have an even harder time calling someone boyfriend.  I'm not sure why but it seems to be something that is childish but I guess I'm the only one that says that because friends are telling me that I'm hung up over a word.  I think "dating" is enough but most people think it means that we're not exclusive.  I think it means we're dating...just the two of us.  So, I guess I'll have to start practicing the words...

And so I have dates lined up for the next week.  I'm looking forward to it but I'm scared too.  Mostly because this is it...this is the relationship that I start my new life with.  Burke may not be the guy for me forever but he's the guy for me right now.  And whose to say that this isn't THE relationship....I just have to go back to the basics and say...one day at a time...that's all I can do now.

Otherwise I'll be tackling him on a regular basis to just get the "firsts" done.