Horoscope for 11-12-10

Here is my horoscope for today...I have a few comments.

The hard work and detail-oriented planning you have done lately is really starting to pay off, Shannon. The key today is to maintain your sensitivity and look to where you can be of service to others. The nurturing side of you is feeling the need to express itself in a helpful manner. Follow your heart and be respectful of your emotions. The thing you need to be most aware of is to not overextend yourself too much.

First, they pegged me on the detail-oriented...I'm a bitch about details.  You have to have details in order to do things.  Vague mumblings are not helpful nor acceptable.  I want to know what the plan is.

Second, I don't think I'll maintain my sensitivity since I don't really have that.  Not to mention that I don't want to be of service to others.  I'm in it for me...  OK, I take that back.  The whole point of my 12-step program is to be of maximum service to God and others.  That is what the big book tries to teach up.  So I have to walk through the day, holding out my hand.

Third, the nurturing side needs to express itself?  I might be sensitive but I most definitely am not nurturing.  Not by any stretch of the imagination.  I actually will recoil when asked to be loving and kind.  Most people seem to sense this and so I'm not really asked to nurture anyone.  I can shake a hand and sometimes hug but I will not be sitting at your bedside when you're sick...mopping your brow...

Fourth, respectful of my emotions?  I don't think that's going to happen.  I don't respect your emotions...why respect mine.  I think it's more that I don't trust emotions.  Emotions happen without warning and are rarely the same each time.  And how do you deal with emotions?  I didn't get a cheat sheet with my sobriety and I doubt I'll be able to pick one up at Borders.

Fifth, do not overexert yourself....I am kind of two different people here.  I will overexert myself when it's something I feel strongly about.  But what happens most of the time is that I'll start something and then quickly get bored, tired or fed up and then I'll just half ass it.  Really, I like to half ass half ass...I used to be gunho about things.  I'd step in and try to solve the problems of everyone involved.  I wanted to fix you.  I definitely overexerted myself but I lived off that.  It was a "high" that I would get for being the savior.

Now, I just want to be mediocre  I just want to do the bare minimum.  I don't ask for the hard assignments. I don't spend hours each night, working on projects. I don't run around and try to run the whole shebang.  I just want to go home, read a little, maybe watch a movie and work on craft projects.

The lesson of this horoscope post is this...this sensitiveless, nonnurturing, unemotional, detail orientated person will try harder to be more sensitive of others, initiate more nurturing interactions, start expressing my emotions and wade less in the details; give of my time and talents.

But then I think people would have a hard time with a newer, softer Shannon.  Guess I have to work on my PR.

The look of love

I'm not going to excite you with the details but starting to date someone is exciting. I honestly haven't had the pleasure of dating someone for the last 3 years and then 9 years before that.  So technically, I have not had a new relationship for over 12 years.

Unfortunately...it is not like riding a bicycle.  I am learning all over again, what it means to be a partner.

I know some may ask how I went from just meeting and agreeing to be exclusive about 4 days ago; to talking about being a partner.  Nothing in this relationship is normal to me.  But normal to me is sitting in my bedroom watching Netflix on my 15" laptop and the dogs taking up 3 of the 4 corners of my bed...that was normal.

Now, I have to allow for others.  Other's opinion, other's schedule, other's emotions and other's needs.  I don't think I'm going to nail this in a record time. I'm going to fumble at first; and I already have.

I assume that everyone shows emotions my way; the way I feel love (See the 5 Love Languages for pointers...seriously).  I am a demonstrative person. I will touch you, rub your back, make dinner, buy small items...that's how I show love.  I do not say it as regularly as I should because I don't need to hear it regularly.  I typically only say it after someone else has said it and I know that that is what they are looking for; to be told...in those words. Preferably without being prompted

I had a past relationship that required (in my mind) ungodly amount of need to be touched, loved (told) and catered to.  That is my wording...in reality, he probably just asked me to do it non-stop because I was not feeding his need for attention.  He NEEDED that and I chose not to do that. Mainly because he asked for it.

I see the stupidity in it now.  He was actually trying to help me so I could love him the right way.  I chose to ignore that.  The end result was a divorce; and rightly so.

Now...I am not blind to the irony.  Not only does my man have the same first name; but he has a lot of the same needs that the practice husband had...I think God is testing me.

So I don't want to mess this up. I don't have ANY intention in getting married again. That's not an option right now.  But I do want a relationship and that means WORK.  I have to work at being in a relationship and especially in a relationship with someone that has different needs then me.  It's my responsibility to ask what his needs are and to then tell him what I'm willing and able to do.  And not cut corners but step up and be willing.  Willing to do things differently because doing things the same way gets me the same results...heartbroken.  I don't think I can do that again.

And that's another point.  If I were to go into this with all intentions of just holding back a little bit because I'm afraid of getting hurt?  I'm going to fail.  And in order to learn and grow and try love...I have to give it my all.  I can't hold back.

I can wear safety gear to a project site but I've got to get my hands dirty to build anything.