Day 2 - Something I love about myself

Something I love about myself.

This is a hard one because I spent the first 30 odd years hating everything about me. The way I talked, the way I looked, how I couldn’t interact with people my own age, my stupid name….everything was my fault. That inner voice that kept telling me I was horrible. It was a constant assault on my self esteem. 

But the last couple of years have been interesting. I had to do an assets list early in the program. It was one of the things my sponsor required of me when I got sober. Because we are so good at finding all the crappy parts of our life and because we have to do an inventory of our most devious and heinous defects; it’s pretty hard to find all the good things when you are so focused on the negative things; the things that are part of the reason why I’m an alcoholic and all around miserable. And that list was pretty short. This is from January of 2008.

• I am paying my bills on time and even early sometimes.
• I have paid off two credit cards totally.
• I have been able to live on my own without assistance since June.
• I have lost 60 pounds.
• I have become a better daughter by being there for my parents.
• I attended an AA meeting on my own
• I have a good sense of style and décor
• When I do show up for work, I do have competence in my position. I am always available

That was a lot to come up with at that point in my life. A lot…

Now? I have a much better grasp on it. I think better of myself…maybe too much better of myself sometimes. I get a bit of an ego…

Probably the one biggest thing that I love about myself is the fact that I am now more willing. I have never been willing to do anything that was outside of my comfort level. If I didn’t want to do it or felt that I wouldn’t be able to do it properly (actually perfectly is a better word) then I had no desire to even think about it. I was not willing to see things from your point of view. I was not willing to try different foods. I wasn’t even willing to see where I had been wrong and then willing to make amends for that.

With the 12 step program I am in, I HAD to become willing to do things differently because it was a matter of life or death. Yes, I do mean life or death. Not dramatically but honestly. If I kept drinking I’d die; either by my hand or because I would feel bullet proof and 7 feet tall and that gets me into situations that are not safe and that included being around people I didn’t know or moral situations that I felt no guilt over. And I would not be able to live with myself if I had hurt or killed someone while I was drunk driving.

Today I am a lot more willing. Still hold back on things but it was so bad that I wouldn’t even wear patterns on my clothing; it was too chaotic for me. I’m a pretty much black & white person so colors and patterns were not easy for me. I can wear colors now. Maybe not all patterns but I do have several tops that have some more subdued patterns.  I find it OK to put Black and Brown together…sometimes. But definitely never denim with denim…that’s a Canadian Tuxedo and just never something I could pull off.

I’m willing to try new music or foods. I have found that I can do things I never thought I could do…like being more creative. I’m willing to allow myself to fail; just as long as I tried.  Today I've decided to take the risk...

I love the fact that I am 36 years old and I am finding out that I’m not a horrible person…that I am actually a pretty good friend and daughter. I am a good worker. I take pride in what I do and I’m WILLING to do what it takes to make things right. Regardless of whether or not I want it to be done a certain way. But if it’s the right way…that’s important.

So my love affair with me is going along pretty well. I still have that committee of 12 in my head that does a constant barrage of insults and derogatory comments. But now I stand up to them more and will them to silence. Because I'm good enough, smart enough and dog gone it, people like me.

30 days of posting

 I'm totally stealing this from a blog I came across. I've since lost who the blog was between copy and pasting. My Internet Explorer crashed on me between them and luckily I tend to start my posts in Word to make sure all my grammar and spelling are correct so I didn’t lose this whole thing…just the blog I was on to swipe this from. F'ing Microsoft bastards.


I like the idea of opening up a little bit about myself and letting all 3 (yes...I now have 3 followers!!!!! I'm going pro!) people that follow my blog know so much about me. So here is what I'm going to write about for the next 30 days:


Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself



Just to set expectations now….don't expect a post every single day for the next 30 'cause that’s a pretty big commitment and I just know me. Now, I could surprise all of us and do it every day. Don’t be upset if we’re doing this over the next 3 months…I do promise to have this done before January 1!!


So, Day 1 -- here's something I hate about myself: I hate my desperate and pathetic need to be the center of attention. I like to think I'm a confident person who likes who she is and believes in herself, but my perverse need for attention stands in stark contrast to that perception. I try very hard to be less of an attention-whore, but I just don't have as much fun socially if I'm not dominating the conversation or having everyone all around me hang on every word of my fascinating stories Fortunately I'm blessed to have friends who don't seem to care and love me anyway even though I hog the spotlight, but I still feel like a dick the next day when I realize how much of a jerk I was. I really beat myself up over this but I can't seem to stop.



Well, that was fun! Let's hope Day 2 can keep this momentum going!

I knew it was too good to be true

I spent no money on Sunday and Monday.  None...not even a soda.  And I was getting a little cocky...I had a doctor's appointment today and I knew I was getting a prescription that I was going to have to fill.  And I fill at Target.  So I was prepping myself for just going in and out.  No spending. Nothing I needed.

So what did I do?  I stopped at the thrift shop next to the doctor's and just told myself I was going to look for a bar stool to go with my work table. Assuming I wouldn't find anything.  Well, $10 later I have a dress, a $4 bar stool, a jean jacket and a skirt.

And then Target.  They have Honey Crisp apples!!!  I absolutely love Honey Crisp apples...LOVE THEM.  So I had to buy 4 and then there was a coupon at the pharmacy counter for $0.50 off Target brand fabric softener (which I need) and I found some for $2.29 (and then $0.50 off) and I found a little sign that says "The Witch Is In" which I have been wanting to find one to put up in my office since I'm kind of known as being the bitch at work.  So that was another $13 at Target.  That's $23 in one day.  It's still less then it normally would have been....I can justify it in some sense...

I have no plans for the rest of the week that will mean I need to spend money.  I do have plans for Sunday that I would like to spend something but I'm going to take cash and leave my card in the car.

I hate this whole not spending money thing....why can't I meet some tall, handsome, well endowed and filthy rich man?


And after all that?  I never filled my prescription.

International Coastal Cleanup 2010

I participated in the International Coastal Cleanup for 2010.  I'm in Kansas...we don't do coasts...but we do have some wicked streams.  So I volunteered this Saturday from 9 - 12.  I made it til 11.  In my defense, I got there around 8:45 and got started right away!

I went alone for the first 30 minutes and then glommed onto this mother-daughter-mother in law team that were rocking!  Bailey is 6 and was a cheerleader.  In the truest sense.  I think she lasted the whole 2 hours because I kept poking her with a coat hanger I found in the first 3 minutes.  I know her mom was amazed that she lasted as long as she did.

The mother-in-law works at my company and was vaguely familiar. As familiar as you can be with a company that has almost 9,000 employees worldwide but I still sit in the same building as her and there are only 3,000 of us here in KC.  So we kind of bonded over that.

The Mom of Bailey was super nice and I've totally forgotten her name but a true "Cupcake County" mom. But still kind of cool.

I had all intentions of hitting on the single engineer geek that walked in after me but he slipped my noose and managed to find himself in the middle of the stream, wading his way back and forth.  Trying to be a true do-gooder.  Show off.

I posted this on FB but it bears repeating...note to self....tuck pants into rain boots next year, you idiot!  Even 6 year old Bailey figured that out.

Oh My God Becky....

This was the song on my iPod this morning on my way to work.


I can recite this song (especially the Valley Girl beginning) from memory.  I can't help this. I spent many hours in my beat up old Prelude, cruising East Wash in Madison, WI with a couple of girlfriends with this and several other kick ass songs.  I had a mix tape (yes, I said tape) with a lot of songs on it that remind me of that time and I can't find it. Not like I can use it but I would like to remember all the songs so I could go back and download them from iTunes.  The memories are strong in this one. One of the few times that I was out with friends in High School.  But then again, music speaks to me.

I was on a cruise one time with my practice husband and another couple and we went to a karaoke night and this red headed skinny white girl got up and killed this song. She got a standing O from everyone.


 
 
 

Toaster Analogy...do you get it?

I'm kind of out of things to say this week.  It's been one of those weeks where it didn't move fast enough but it also screamed by.

I think I have made a decision to start looking for a different job. I used to love my job. Everything about it. I got to make million dollar decisions, I managed people and expectations and I got a kick out of fixing things that were broken.  I especially loved the ability to create structure where there was chaos. 

But lately, it's been hard to not be bitter about the fact that I am totally unappreciated.  IT is never known for getting kudos and I'm OK with that. I understand that.  But every so often? It'd be nice to get a little acknowledgement...you know, throw me a bone....

It's hard for people to understand that the IT field is not known for getting a lot of praise. I equate a toaster to this analogy.  You use a toaster every day to toast your bagel.  Every morning, you get up and pop a bagel in the toaster, push the lever down and then walk away...knowing you'll get a toasted bagel at the end of the process.

Now, the lever pops up and your bagel is toasted.  You think nothing of it because that is what it is supposed to do.  Of course you should never expect anything different.

But one day...your toaster doesn't toast your bagel.  You push on the lever, you jiggle the plug, you might even stick a knife in it to jab at the heating elements...but still, no toasted bagel.

That is when the shit hits the fan.  Good Gosh Damn...what the hell?  Stupid toaster. Can't beleive that it would do this to me right now.  Especially when I wanted a toasted bagle.  Now I can't even have that.  This day is going to suck.  And you carry that shit around with you all day.  Snapping at co-workers...messing around with the office supplies instead of working.  Plotting your revenge on the guy that sold you the toaster.  Rallying against the fact that you couldn't have one FLIPPIN' bagle that morning.  You're whole day ruined.  All because one portion of your life, the one that you depend on every day, did not deliver.

So, you go buy a new toaster and your unceremonially dump the old one in the trash.  Never thinking about the mornings you shared over toasted bagels. Never realizing that, maybe, you should have treated the toaster a bit better.  You know, gave it a good nudge occasionally. Just to let it know that you appreciate its efforts to get you going in the morning.  Getting you in the right frame of mind to start the day. 

So, moral of the story?  Hug your IT guy/gal today and let them know you appreciate the fact that your computer, printer, server, copier etc....works 99% of the time.  Yes there are times when they don't work but can you really go forever with NOTHING breaking?

And you might want to announce your intent to hug so you don't get a punch in the nose.

One of those days...

I should have known...overslept, dogs took forever to do their "business", got to work about 30 minutes late and I had a day full of meetings.  Only to realize at 10:15, that one of my buildings is completely down with no network...at all.  Not even a few.  Like zero....

• And no, it's not a power outage because your computer is still on. 

• And no, I can't make our service provider come to your desk and type your work.

• Yes we've called them. 

• No, you don't need to call them. 

• OK, I appreciate your ability to tell me what's wrong with the network. 

• Please don't ask to get in my network room. 

• I bet you're angry about getting to stand around and talk to all your coworkers about how much of a screw up IT is.

• Yes I'm sure that we have the highest executives working on it.

• I know that your home internet is faster and doesn't go down all the time.

• I'm sure Time Warner would love our business

• Maybe you can go home but maybe you should ask your supervisor

• No, the security guard does not know what's going on

• Please don't give my phone number out to everyone on the 3rd floor so they can call me to ask what the status is

• I do understand you can't work....just as I am not able to work because I'm on the phone with all of the 3rd floor

• Well maybe you should go home

• I hope you are able to come in in the morning too

• I'll be sure and let the president of your division know that you are very upset with me and IT

• Yes I realize that it is now 3pm and you have not been able to work all day. 

• Maybe you should have listened to your supervisor when they told you to go home and work.

• Wow, look at that, the service came up.

• I know that our Service Provider should pay us for the productivity that you lost

• Please be sure and tell my supervisor that I just walked the floor and told people to be patient, he would love to hear that from you.

99.6% upage over the last year for our network and the 0.4% is when I get to hear the best advice I have ever heard. 

They never get it right

My horoscope for the day....if this said the exact opposite, I'd believe it.  Besides....I have no love life, in or out of the bedroom.

Remember to allow the organized piece of your being to spill over into every aspect of your life, Shannon. It could be that you are fine at keeping your finances, your home, and your work situation orderly and under control, but when it comes to love, all sense of rationalization goes out the window. Make sure you are as disciplined with yourself in the bedroom as you are in your office.


What the hell do they know?

Found on Road Dead

My first car was a 1985ish Honda Prelude.  The speedometer didn't work and I didn't notice it when I bought it.  So I have no idea if it worked when I bought it and then a week or so later, when I noticed it wasn't working, that it had broken.  So I did what I normally do and just shrugged it off and kept on driving.  I did get pulled over once for speeding and I talked my way out of it by telling him my speedometer didn't work.  He was nice enough to not ticket me and told me to get it fixed with the money I just saved. Or learn to keep my speed down. I did neither.

I'd like to think that I talked my way out of that because I batted my big green eyes at him and he fell under my spell.  I'm sure that was not the case.  I was a sniveling mess...

So I bought this car in 1990, just after I turned 16.  My parents gave me the money (God knows why, other then they wouldn't have to drive me everywhere. And that's a stretch because I didn't go anywhere). I went to the mechanic that my parents had used (really used, if you've read my post about my luck with cars, you'll see where this is going).  He sold me the car and I had like $200 left over. I think I bought the car for $2,000, if that much.

Within a week, it was back in the shop for the starter. There goes the $200...and then the speedometer, but I just ignored that.

Living in Wisconsin, it gets cold....very cold.  My heater/radiator would freeze up and wouldn't start.  There were a couple of times that it would just die in the middle of the highway.  I would quickly start it again, hoping that going 60 mph wouldn't kill me or anyone else in the car.  So I had problems with the car.  But again, it is what I'm used to with my family. We have horrible luck with cars.

So in 1993, I moved to Kansas and brought the Prelude with me.  She was good for about 2 years. Good meaning she didn't blow up. There were still issues, I just choose to ignore. And I know I did not have an oil change in those 3 years...I think I put oil in it every 6 months or so because the light would come on and so I knew that it required oil and so I just poured it in.  Then it started leaking oil all the time so I just kept adding it.

I admit that I am a lousy car owner at the time. It got gas and new windshield wipers but only because I had to.  I never got an oil change, I did not buy new tires and I never washed it. The air conditioner would work sometimes and the heater was not the most reliable either.  I wore a lot of sweaters in the winter time and all windows rolled down in the summer.

So about 2 years into living in Lawrence, KS I was driving along 9th street and all of a sudden I couldn't go over 40 miles an hour.  And then the power steering started going out.  I was in the left lane and I couldn't get over to the right to get off the street and so I kept driving along until I could pull off to the left.  By this time I couldn't get over 20 miles an hour and was getting a lot of one finger salutes.  I returned them because fuck them for not knowing something was wrong. Who the hell were they to get uptight about my disastrous situation.  Fuckers....

I managed to pull onto a street that ironically was in front of the old apartment that my boyfriend at the time and I lived in.  I also had 2 very large Golden Retrievers in my car that I had just taken to the vet for a couple that I was friends with and was dog sitting.  And it was about August, 3pm in the afternoon.  Harshly hot. So I got the dogs out of the car and I started making calls.  I called my boyfriend at the time...he was in Topeka (about 30 minutes away), I called my folks but both of them were not around.  So I resorted to my boyfriends Dad.  How embarrassing was that?  He drove out to pick me up, I had refrained from mentioning the dogs and forgot he had leather seats in his Caddy...I had a blanket in the car so I put that down. And we all trudged to the house I was sitting for with the dogs. 

I don't think I ever thanked boyfriend at the time's Dad.  But I also didn't think about how I was going to get around.  I just figured someone would take care of that.  I was that self centered. 

Now, I had to deal with the car. It never became an option to get it fixed. I never thought about getting it fixed. I just knew it was going to be more money then I had. Which was about $6.  So I did the next best thing.  I had my boyfriend at the time drive me over to the car. I took out all the crap.  Made sure that I grabbed the hair scrunchies off the stick shift!  And then I pulled out the title and then closed the door and walked away. 

And when I say I pulled out the title, that means I left the title on the drivers side seat, did not lock the door, and left it on that street.  I walked away from a car that probably would have been a great car if I had taken care of it.  And it could have been a simple fix....but I tend to just walk away or hid from things I don't want to deal with.  I drop it like it's hot and split.  And I do not think about it twice.

I then made my boyfriend at that time drive me everywhere for about 2 months.  He suggested early on that I get a new car so he could work better, but I ignored that.  After the 6th week, he told me that I needed to get a new car...It took me another 2 weeks to decide to start looking. And that was only because he told me he wasn't driving me anywhere any more.  Bit harsh but alright.  I found my next ticking time bomb at work. Some guy was selling his car and would take payments from me.  I DID pay that off...one of the first things I ever paid off at that time.

I told this story to my ex (husband) and he got the biggest kick out of it.  He could not believe that I just walked away from it.  I tried to explain to him that it was just the thing I did.  If I was done with it or just didn't want it anymore, I dropped it.

Since then? I have not abandoned a vehicle or a dog.  But I definitely abandon bills, books, sometimes friends (shame on me) and most definitely diets and dudes.

She's Sneaky...

My dog Sammie loves to sleep upstairs on my bed when I am not home.  Typically I put them in the spare room and when I get home, I let them out.  During the night, they do get to sleep with me.  But I have lately been leaving them out during the day.  I come home from work and they are not at the door to greet me, the little bastards.  They are typically upstairs on my bed.

I make my bed every morning but not right away.  When I get up in the morning and take my shower I inevitably come back to this.  I have to shoo her off so I can get the bed made.  And she grunts and groans when I try to push her over to the end of the bed so I can make it.  I know she's getting old and crotchety but seriously....it's my spot.

She puts out an ENORMOUS amount of fur.  I mean it gets so bad on my carpets that you'll walk through the apartment and get fur caught in between your toes...that just makes me gag thinking about it....But part of that is my fault. I don't brush her as often as I should and I've thought about shaving her.  But dogs sometimes grow their hair back differently once shaved and she's a pretty dog.  So I just brush and hope she'll stop shedding at some point.  They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results....for 12 years I've been doing the same thing over and over again and I expect her to suddenly become hairless.  I know what she thinks about it...if she sheds enough, then she gets brushed to calm the invasion and she loves the attention!  You think dogs are pretty smart but I think I have the  smartest dog out there because she knows how to manipulate me.

She's sneaky like that...

Cable no more

I took a leap of faith last weekend and shut my cable off.  The last time I watched TV was 10 weeks ago (now 11) when I was on the phone with someone and we watched a TV show together (long story!!).  I kept track!  I turned my TV on twice over those 10 weeks but that was so I could stream Netflix and watch movies.   But I can do that from my computer and tend to do so.  I will be saving $52 a month by getting rid of cable. I wasn't using it so why have it?

So, as a "solution" I have put my trust in Apple TV.  The tiny little box will stream from my wireless connection, to my TV. I will be able to rent movies and episodes from iTunes (of course there is a cost).  I can stream Netflix directly through Apple TV.  I pay $9.77 a month for Netflix (another expense that I considered getting rid of and just used RedBox but I figured that it would be cheaper to just stay with Netflix). And the genius part of it is that the box is a one time charge of $99. No monthly cost....just my Internet connection through my cable company.  Which I was able to increase and still achieve the $52 savings a month.  There was an early termination fee for shutting off the cable but that was manageable too.

And I have to hope that Apple delivers on what they say they will provide.  I think it's scheduled for delivery in mid October.  I pre-ordered and it is supposed to launch in 4 - 6 weeks.  Not a lot of info on the technology but Apple has delivered on everything I've dealt with and I like the new approach to watching "TV"

Now a lot of the comments I get back from friends and family is that I will miss weather reports and local news but I never watched it anyway so I'm really not out something.  I do complain about the weather because it's a surprise every time it rains because I don't get the scoop on the weather before I leave the house.  That's one that I'm going to try to change.  Or always carry a big purse with a mini umbrella in it.

I don't read newspapers or even most magazines that I subscribe to.  That will be another cost savings when they expire. I kind of isolate myself from the outside world.  I also do not vote...have not for over 7 years.  I also have no right to complain about the state of the nation because I don't educate myself about these things.  Not that I don't find it important but I'm lazy and just don't want to put forth that much effort to educate myself. 

I am "friends" with NPR on Facebook though!

Thinking outside the barriers in my mind

I have spent the first 35 years of my life thinking and telling everyone that I have no artistic talent.  That I'm just not creative.  I'm more of an analytical thinker.  I can manage people and projects but I can't draw stick figures.  I don't doodle.  I couldn't even use a ruler right to make a straight line.  All these things were said over and over and over again.  Like a mantra.

But, as I touched on in my post about my new car, my life changed when I bought my new car.  I had a revelation about me and what I can and cannot do. I was always going to be the Cold Hearted Bitch that I was nicknamed from a group of people.  Bless their cotton socks but they were right. I was cold and I lacked any semblance of a heart.  And I definitely was (and still am to a degree) a bitch.

But that's no excuse for being the same person regardless of how I was hurting people or how I was beating myself up over the years.  Shame on me for not trying different things.  But I had it in my head that I was just always going to be like this.  And I would always have to dress the same way, do my hair the same way, listen to the same music....

But that stupid little Cube drove me into a spiral or a different dimension.  I suddenly found that I wanted to listen to different music.  I started switching channels on my radio...or rather I started listening to the radio rather then my iPod.  When I stole...I mean checked out music from the library, I started grabbing CD's that I never would have checked out.  I used Genius on my iTunes.  I realized that I kind of liked some of the music I heard on 98.9 The Rock or 103.7 The Dam.  I was maybe a little of a metal head?  So I downloaded different kinds of music.  Some I found that I didn't like but there were others that surprised me that I liked (like Godsmack).

Back in May, I took a sculpture welding class with a friend.  It was 3 Sunday's in a row for about 6 hours.  I loved the class.  But part of it was to do a project for you.  It meant designing something.  It meant having a vision of something you wanted to make.  Crap....I couldn't think of anything.  No, I take that back. I could think of things I wanted to COPY but then realized that I had about 9 hours to do it in and that was sharing all the equipment with about 10 other people.  So I had to narrow that down. But again, it was copying something. Nothing original.  So I talked with people and threw around some things and then someone told me to draw it out.  Exactly how I wanted it to look.  Right away I told them I couldn't draw.  That didn't cut it so I got out a piece of paper and drew what I wanted.  And then freaked out because how was I going to get it to look like that?  So this friend told me to measure...another radical thought.  So I measured and measured and realized that I should have used pencil....

But I drew it out, in it's exact dimensions on a huge piece of paper. I wrote down all the dimensions.  I went prepared.  The instructor complimented me when she asked if I was an architect because my design was very well documented.  I kept that paper, it's ratty and a little torn but it's my first design.  And the product?  It's not perfect but it is awesome.  See below.

And then came the projects.  I bought myself a notebook and started writing down my ideas.  This was the hard part.  Actually putting on paper what I wanted.  And not kicking myself for even thinking I could do some of these things.  And some of them I will probably not be able to do. I just don't have the talent.

BUT....I do have an eye for things. I'm pretty good about seeing something and knowing what it will go with or what I could do to make it look right somewhere else.  I probably need to be in designing or decorating.  But when that happens?  I'll be 72 years old.  I'm kind of stuck in IT.

But here are some of my projects.  I can't show all on here because I have peeps that read this and I have started projects for them.

This first one is my headboard on my bed.  I took a twin flat sheet that coordinated with my sheets.  The red is not necessarily what I would choose for this but it's what I have and I love it.  The buttons were sewed down as much as I could and then hot glued in place. They are double buttons, the top button is not sewed, just glued to the bottom button.  I started this project with just a few buttons (like 6) over the headboard and about a month later  decided to finish.  I has bought specific colored buttons and they were pretty expensive for not a lot.  I have TONS of buttons and I just decided to just go wild.  This is the result.

I have fallen in love with felt.  I have made a couple of pieces for friends and I have several more pieces that I will make for the rest.  One of the felt things I like is felting.  It actually is the process of "stabbing" fabric to another fabric.  You have a very sharp (believe me, I have the cuts to prove it) needle with barbs that you punch through one fabric, to meld it to another fabric.  It's called Needle Felting.  I love the look of felted wool and so I decided to try this out.  I'm still learning but my first project with felting is this, I'm going to turn it into a pillow for someone.  I'm working on my next one now.

The only project that I have finished was a machine cover for my sewing machine.  This was also my first attempt at using a pattern. I'm not known for my patience but even I did OK. It helped that my Mom (who is UBER creative) helped a lot but I still had to do the dirty work.  I'm really proud of this because 1) I finished it, 2) I didn't kill my mother because I typically have a low tolerance for her sometimes and 3) it looked like what I wanted it to look like.  Not 100% tidy but I'm OK with that.

So part of my mom's visit was to help me start Christmas gifts. I have decided this year that I am making ALL of my gifts.  So I put a list together and started planning.  The next few are gifts that I'm putting together.  No names to protect the innocent but general pictures.  Again, none are done but all are designed.

Have another 2 rows to do and then sew and quilt

This is a felted envelop that is going to hold pictures from a trip to Ireland that I did with my folks.  This is for my Dad.  I couldn't figure out what to make for my Dad so I thought of this.  I'll print off some of the photos from the trip and put in there.  I think he'll get a kick out of it.

There is actually going to be 2 quilts like this.  But I'm keeping mum on who they are for. It's in a frame so I can tie it.  I'm not hand quilting or even machine quilting.  I'm just tying the layers together.

This one is for my sister-in-law.  It's actually pink and  green but it looks like different colors in this light.  Hers will be tied also.

I am felting a small clutch purse for my niece.  I am creating a flower to put on it and then some accents around that.  The felting of the flower is taking me awhile but I think it's coming around.  Again, not perfect but I'm trying.

And I've taken to going to fabric stores to just look.  I gave my mother so much shit for YEARS about her obsession with fabric but I swear to God....the fabric talks to me.  Tells me what I should use them for.  Or just to go home with me and we'll figure out what to do from there.  I'm starting to have a "stash" of stuff that MAYBE I'll use but I definitely need to bring it home.  Just what I need, more voices in my head!

So this is the last thing.  I LOVE this fabric. It's a fleece and makes into nice blankets.  I don't know why but I had to have it.  I'm thinking of who I can give it to as a blanket but at this point...it's staying with me.  Maybe it'll go better with the buttons on the headboard?

This one time...at Applebee's....

This is a long one but I couldn’t find a way to edit it down anymore then it is…probably everyone else could but it was necessary to me!


I was living in Independence Missouri when I was 23. One of my many jobs was as a bartender for a chain restaurant. We would occasionally call between restaurants to talk about what was going on, getting product etc...Now I should probably mention here that I had 8 W2s the year I was 23. Yes, 8….And some of those were all at the same time. I think I had 4 going at once at some point. I quickly left one of those jobs because it was encroaching on my “me” time (i.e. anything before noon or after 3am).



At Applebee’s, I was a hostess, server and bartender. Being a hostess looks like the easiest job ever but you really have to juggle the whole dynamics of the restaurant. Because if you seat someone in section 1, then section 5 gets pissed because you are favoring 1. Then if you seat section 6, they get pissed because you are slamming them with too many people at once and the odds of pissing people off and getting less tips is high. THEN you have to make sure all the busy boys are available and not out back smoking crack. If you slam too many areas the kitchen gets bitchy and takes it out on the servers who them take it out on the hostesses by not recording all their tips so they don’t have to put as much in for the hostess and bus boy tips. Vicious cycle.



Being a server was OK, I was really good about remembering what people ordered without writing it down but I always did because it bothered people too much when I didn’t write it down. Like I was just going to bring them whatever fell off the counter. I mean, people’s orders were lined up and if it hit the floor it’s not like we’re going to give that to some other table. They ordered it, they get it.



But being a bartender was stellar. I made over $1,000 one night, I was such a good bartender. Given, I was smaller and cuter back them. And I have a way of getting people to relax and get them engaged. Especially guys. For some reason, I have a pretty good knack for talking to guys and not sounding like I’m begging for attention or trying to make them save me. I come across as “real”. That is probably why I had a great deal of guy friends and no boyfriends.



One task for the bartender was to answer the phone. And there were times that it was idiots asking about pricing and how much alcohol and what is the tax rate. Is Melissa there?...Stuff I could just give a shit about. But sometimes, usually before the lunch rush, different locations would start calling, asking about stock. We constantly traded back and forth with other locations in the area. Low in tomatoes in one 5 miles away and we had an abundance of tomatoes…etc.



So I tended to work lunch (which sucks ass, not a lot of tips at lunch at the bar…more then you were guess but still not a couple hundred like at night), I got the different locations calls. I would normally hand off to the assistant or general manager after some back and forth. But there was a location that called just one time and talked to me and this guy kept calling back. The problem is….he was in Springfield Missouri. Like 3 hours away. Now, I can’t recall the reason behind him calling a location so far away but it became a serious scheduled event when I worked.



So I talked to the manager of the location, we'll call him Andy. I honestly don't remember his name so it could seriously be Andy...but I'm betting he doesn't follow me on Blogger.com...just a guess. Andy and I would flirt SHAMELESSLY over the phone. At one point he faxed me a picture of his driver’s license to show me a picture. This was before email really and definitely before cell phones with cameras. So I probably asked to see what he looked like.



I’m not sure I asked a lot of the important questions…like are you married, do you have kids, what is your favorite color….anything kind of personal. Now, I’m not the most moral person out there. I tend to leave my morals with the clothes I just took off in the back of a car. It never occurred to me to say No to certain situations. Ironically I was always drinking when I was in the back of cars naked. I guess I had some common sense when sober, not much but some.



So after a long time (like a week), Andy talked me into coming to Springfield to visit him. I immediately asked for 2 days off and got a map. Now, I had no thought process behind this. I had a dog…guess I’ll just bring him. Didn’t ask Andy, just threw Milo in the back of the car and head out. I didn’t pack any clothes. I honestly have NO IDEA how far away it was. I thought it was just a quick jaunt. I would have left earlier!



So the 3 hour drive finished and I found his house. It was late morning at this point and I be bop up to the door and finger the doorbell.



This puffy, rumpled and very severely hair loss version of Andy’s driver’s license opens the door. Hmmmmmm…maybe I remember him wrong in the picture….nevermind, I’m here and I’m ready for whatever happens.



I come inside and immediately Milo shits on his carpet….Hmmmmmm….maybe I should have let Milo out of the car in those 3 hours to poop or pee….nevermind, I’m here and I’m ready for whatever happens…as soon as I flush this paper towel full of poop.



I’m not sure what happened to this situation in my head to what was actually before me but about 20 minutes into the seriously strained conversation the doorbell goes off. He ignores it, doesn’t say anything to me. It rings again….still nothing. This is when it starts to go to shit….a woman starts screaming outside the front door that Andy needs to get his fat fucking ass over to their house and mow the fucking lawn. She knows he’s in there. He’s going to leave his wife and 6 month old son standing outside in the sun? Andy…get your ass over to the house and mow my fucking lawn….Hmmmmm…….maybe I should have asked those important “are you married?” “do you have kids?” questions ….nevermind, I’m here and I’m ready for whatever happens…as he scurries out the door to go mow the fucking lawn at his house.



I’m still sitting there trying to navigate my way through this baffling situation when he comes back in the house, still rumpled, puffy, less hair and now very sweaty. Not because of any exertion on his part on his fucking lawn but because in the 5 minutes since he left after mumbled something about leaving and will be back later. No he’s sweating because he just sideswiped the whole passenger side of my NEW car. I stood there and just shook my head. He mumbled one more time about leaving and will be back later; I sit down in the living room and start to wait for imposter Andy to come back so I can get his insurance information. Hmmmmmmm……maybe I should have left as soon as psycho wife and baby disappeared and never looked back…nevermind, I’m here and I’m ready to start getting a little perturbed.



About an hour after Loser Andy leaves, Andy’s gorgeous roommate Neil shows up. Now I did not know that Andy had a roommate, but I also didn’t know that Andy was married. Shame on him for not mentioning the gorgeous roommate though! Gorgeous roommate feels bad for sad sad sad situation I am in and asks if I want to go out drinking with some of his buddies this evening. He’ll buy me a drink…Hmmmmmm…maybe I could wait around for Loafer Andy and get his insurance info and then blow him off to go with Edible Neil…..well, definitely I’m here and I’m ready for whatever Neil wants to happen. But I should probably just get the insurance info and go home. Call it a day…



Bewildered Andy shows back up about 3 hours later. I had been watching TV while he was mowing his fucking lawn so I was kind of looking for some entertainment. I felt that Andy owed me a great deal because of this whole snafu and what was he going to do to make it right. Well Andy felt that it was appropriate to discuss this over lunch. Preferably at an Applebee’s so he could get a discount. Skimpy whore. We go to lunch and we do not talk more than 3 sentences each. Seriously. He wrote down his insurance info, we drove back to the house and he took another shower because he worked that afternoon. WTF???? I drive 3 hours to meet a guy that has a good picture on his driver’s license, sounds like a fun guy, wants to meet me and is willing to do what it takes. Only to find a wimpy, balding, dick that had to work when he knew I was coming to visit. Hmmmmmm…..maybe I should stay and go drinking with Gorgeous Neil?....nevermind….no wait, I do want to mind. I’m getting lit tonight!



Fast forward a couple of hours and Shannon is LIT. She had 6 guys surrounding her all night. And not in a “she’s our little sister” way but a full on court press for my attention. God Bless America. Hmmmmm…..maybe I should edit this part. Yeah, definitely edit this part.



Around 2 am, Shannon is sleeping her drunk off in the spare bedroom. Shannon is very intoxicated and barely knows where she is but definitely woke right the fuck up when she was poked in the butt cheek; twice. Rolling over, there is man next to the bed wearing a brown shirt. This is not shocking. Shaking the sleep out of her eyes, Shannon sees that actually it’s not a brown shirt but actually a naked man with hair over 99% of his body. And he continues to poke her to get her to wake up. Finally clearing away the last little bit of sleep, Shannon realizes that Chewbacca Andy is poking her hoping to poke her…..Hmmmmmm……..maybe I should have stayed with the 6 guys.



True Story.

Guess who's coming to dinner

I spent 2 1/2 hours with some very lovely people this last Saturday.  My  church puts on these dinners for 10.  Couples sign up and for one night a month, you go to a host house and 8 to 10 people converge together for food and fellowship.  The house I was at Saturday had 9 people. I made that the odd number because I'm the single girl.

And they were all so very nice to me. They are people that have bible studies together and their children or grandchildren know everybody. It was casual get together but I never know with these church people. So I wore a little black and white polka dot dress and my purple converse. I thought that was a good compromise.  But I'm "that girl"...I got, Oh, you're the one with the funny/silly/not really a car car...I explained that it is in fact a car. And that it did not have a little opening at the bottom so that I can run with my car...a la Flintstones...and yes, I really did have to say that.

And I got a lot of interesting questions about my tattoos.  Not really questions about the why, where and who...but it was a lot of "oh my, that's a big one there" or the famous "that must have hurt"

So I became "that girl"...not woman but girl.  They got a kick out of my job and my ability to handle computers and so on...and then of course, you have to add that I am the token "single" and I must be so lonely and let's take care of Shannon so she can make it through life...blah blah blah

But, this whole post is about the food. Holy Shit I do not know what the hell was served as the main course. I honestly have never seen it before. It was ground beef, peas, mushrooms and I think barley.  It looked like there were little bugs in the food.  I took one look at it and I knew I wasn't eating any of it.  So I put a VERY small amount on my plate and the hostess said "silly, you need to eat, I bet you haven't eaten all day...pile that up!!!" Crap...and then whoever the genius was that crockpotted green beans, tomatoes an onions about 6 hours before the meal, delivered a glob of mismatched veggies. Couldn't even spoon it out it was like mush.  And then I brought nice loaf of French bread.  That was the only thing I ate and even that was ruined because their butter was off.

I managed to get 3 chewed forkfuls down. And the next 2 were attempts by me to just swallow whole with my drink.  But there was not enough tea/water/coffee/rainwater/radioactive sludge to chock it all down with.  So I moved it around my plate enough that I think I got away with it.

Then dessert was brought out and it actually sounds like a good idea but had a HUGE pucker factor. She had done 2 containers of raspberry yogurt, one box of raspberry jello (you do not make, you simply put the powder in the yogurt) and then a container of Cool Whip.  This thing was NEON pink.  And you took a bite and I instantly felt a surge of sugar go through me and I became so jittery I was acting like I was tweaked on Meth (not that I know what that feels like).  I thought my ADHD was going to make me start punching the walls. 

And these older people were calmly talking about window replacement and how their grandchildren were playing with call phones instead of interacting with family members. They never asked my opinion but if they had I would have told them that my phone's umbilical cord had not been cut yet so I still had to burp it and change it's battery every so often.

I ended the night with a quick Thank You and headed home.  I'm scheduled for the next one to be the 9th of October. I'm going to eat before I go.

Shameless plug

I follow this blog.  I am actually friends with her on Facebook.  I get a kick out of that...I have like 230 friends on FB and I know maybe 1/2 of them.  Tracy is not one I have met but am looking forward to it...and she has some really funny stuff.  We kind of have the same humor.  But I wanted to plug her in case you were looking for more blogs to read.  Not to mention, she's a great writer and definitely not a Prima Donna....OK, maybe a little bit.



Click Here

http://ridiculousanyway.blogspot.com/


Ok Tracy...is that enough?  Can I have my dog back?

Bitchin'

I have always wanted to do drugs - I mean I abused alcohol like you abuse the post-it notes from work.  But I was such a control freak growing up that I just didn't have the spine for it.  What if  this humongous "thing" (whatever that may be....subject to my freaked out mind) happened and I wouldn't know what to do.

I really wanted to get high.  Just to say I had.  And to know what other people were talking about.  But I have never really inhaled smoke.  I went through a phase where I carried a pack of cigarettes with me when I went out to bars. And I sucked in a lot of smoke.  But I never really inhaled. I had no idea how to do that without looking like a poser.  So I just swished it around in my mouth and tried to look cool when I let it gush out of my mouth after an appropriate amount of time.

Back in February I had a cigarette and about lost my lunch....or dinner to be precise, it was in the evening! I actually inhaled on this one and GAG....I was light headed, and not in a good "I'm getting HIGH" way but in a if this ride keeps going around, I'm going to make a deposit on the side of your car....so no more smoking for me.  Which saves me money I would have spent on cigarettes I would never smoke but I had been thinking about it...I think about a lot of things when wrapped around money.  Assuming I'll just pick "this" up and it won't be too expensive.  This time I looked down the path and saw all the $3 packs PLUS the Kleenex I would have to buy for the coughing fits that have me burping up snot.  And the whitening kits for my teeth.  Then there is the coffee habit that seems to come with the smokes.  Lung replacement - you can't just pick that up anywhere!  Pretty expensive if you think about it.

But maybe acid?  A little cocaine?  I say this purely because I've never even SEEN either of these in person. I didn't actually see pot until 2001.  I have to admit that I was around it in 2006 a couple of times.  For some reason the ex bought some from a "guy".  He and a couple of friends smoked it in the garage.  Again....not really exciting.  None of them took their clothes off or tried to fly off the roof.  They didn't even get the munchies.  I even went out to get stuff, just in case.  I should have been a Boy Scout because I like to be prepared!!!  Yes, that makes me more of a house mom then a wife...

I think I got a little high earlier this year when I was trying to strip a piece of furniture in my apartment. I have a small patio but it was ridiculously hot out that day and it was bubbling up the stripper (ha ha ha) and I couldn't get it off fast enough so it was gooping up.  So I pulled everything back into the apartment.  After awhile it got a little "wavy"...I put the ceiling fan on high and brought down my stand fan and let that go.  But I didn't get the munchies or the urge to strip and/or fly. But the fumes cleared up and I took a leisurely stroll in the 100+ weather.  I probably sweated it out my pores in those 10 minutes.

Now, with all that said...I would never do it.  Mostly because my program requires me to be CLEAN and sober.  I'm not willing to start my sobriety over just because I wonder what it feels like. And besides...who can afford the good shit anymore?

Horoscope for 09/02/10

This was my horoscope for today....

When the day is spent, you'll look back on it as a most unusual one, Shannon. Wild ideas sprouted in your head like mushrooms on a fertile marsh. You may have imagined leaving immediately for a trip around the world, or drawn up preliminary plans for an innovative housekeeping invention, or visualized an entirely new career in the virtual-reality business. Don't dismiss these ideas as totally unrealistic. They are not...


I don't think mushrooms on a fertile marsh is very sexy...But in my world?  This would be considered DELUSIONAL and I'd have to take extra pills....and not the mushroom type of "pills"

Anger

Years ago, I would never have thought to tell people that I was angry. First, I just didn't recognize the feeling anger. I had stamped my feelings down so much that I could recognize sadness, which never ended in tears; I was too strong for that. Sometimes contempt. Never content, happy, joyous, and free. Just kind of neutral. Numb is probably a better word for it.


But about 3 years ago I entered the program and I was furious. I hated; HATED people. I hated what they wore, what they said; how they tried to hug me....back the fuck off, people. No touchy....you will leave with a limp.

People tiptoed around me because I would lash out at any given thing that I felt was an offense.  And it could just be that you are sitting there.  Because, God Damn it, that was MY spot.   I mean really....I used to succumb to this red tinged attitude. I would go off and not even really know what it was about. I'd lose my cool, as they would say.

A friend of mine says that he has 2 modes...off or go off.  That kind of summed me up.  Most of the time I was just OFF. 

Now? I get angry, but in appropriate ways. Sometimes. I'm in touch with my anger now and I seem to simmer at an even "bitch" level. For the most part I keep my mouth and feelings to myself. I understand that need for diplomacy. And I'm pretty good about how to word my frustrations. I can control that rage. Now, I have outlets. I "talk" about my anger.

But when I get really angry?I go looking for a dark corner to bring you to and hell is coming with me.

I'm drinking...

Horrible picture quality - my cell phone sucks

I think I've established that I have a drinking problem.  We all know this.  So it should come as no shock to you that I think I have a bigger, more major problem then alcohol.

On average, I will go to Quik Trip maybe every other day.  I will always go in with at least 1 drink I'm going to get.  Usually Diet Coke. But ultimately, every time, I'll throw in an additional drink.  One of the smoothies.  Both of them in a 52oz cup.  Let's take a moment and digest that.  

That is 104 oz of liquid that I will drink/slurp down in about 4 hours.  Usually less....Because I very rarely get through a whole work day without going for one or two more sodas.  Either from the vending machine or brought from home.  And it's the bottles. No cans.  Don't like the metallic taste.

I think this classifies me as "having an issue".  I'm hooked on this stuff.

Unfortunately my dealer doesn't deliver.  Don't get me wrong. I LOVE Quik Trip.  I really do. But at $2.80 a pop, it starts to get a little expensive.  You look at it as a daily total, not that big. But put it into context and you get about $34 a month.  That's some majore money for drinking 104 ounces three times a week.  I'm QT's favorite junkie!

In resaurants, I'll go through 4 - 5 glasses of water/tea/soda.  I honestly feel bad for servers because they constantly have to bring me more drinks. And I seem to be the only one that does that.  I've tried to pace myself but I honestly drink more then I eat.  It's crazy.

At home, I'll go through about 2 more 52oz glasses (these are used ones from QT).  Typically it's iced tea or some Crystal Light packets.  And I'll take one of those 52oz cups to bed with me.  I'll drink on it overnight and use it for my pills in the morning.  I very rarely finish the whoe 52oz.  So you may ask why I don't do smaller glasses?  Because this is the biggest one they have.  If they had a 60 oz, I'd drink a 60oz.  I'm of the "bigger is definitely" better tribe.  And I like my drinks in excess.

I have about 15 52 oz cups from Quik Trip in my cupboards. I have tons of straws and tons of lids.  I think I might have a 44oz cup somewhere but I am not really sure 1) why I have it and 2) what I would do with it.

Suffice it to say, I need to watch my QT spending.  Keep it up and I'm going to have to join a 12 step program for QT.