Day 2 - Something I love about myself

Something I love about myself.

This is a hard one because I spent the first 30 odd years hating everything about me. The way I talked, the way I looked, how I couldn’t interact with people my own age, my stupid name….everything was my fault. That inner voice that kept telling me I was horrible. It was a constant assault on my self esteem. 

But the last couple of years have been interesting. I had to do an assets list early in the program. It was one of the things my sponsor required of me when I got sober. Because we are so good at finding all the crappy parts of our life and because we have to do an inventory of our most devious and heinous defects; it’s pretty hard to find all the good things when you are so focused on the negative things; the things that are part of the reason why I’m an alcoholic and all around miserable. And that list was pretty short. This is from January of 2008.

• I am paying my bills on time and even early sometimes.
• I have paid off two credit cards totally.
• I have been able to live on my own without assistance since June.
• I have lost 60 pounds.
• I have become a better daughter by being there for my parents.
• I attended an AA meeting on my own
• I have a good sense of style and décor
• When I do show up for work, I do have competence in my position. I am always available

That was a lot to come up with at that point in my life. A lot…

Now? I have a much better grasp on it. I think better of myself…maybe too much better of myself sometimes. I get a bit of an ego…

Probably the one biggest thing that I love about myself is the fact that I am now more willing. I have never been willing to do anything that was outside of my comfort level. If I didn’t want to do it or felt that I wouldn’t be able to do it properly (actually perfectly is a better word) then I had no desire to even think about it. I was not willing to see things from your point of view. I was not willing to try different foods. I wasn’t even willing to see where I had been wrong and then willing to make amends for that.

With the 12 step program I am in, I HAD to become willing to do things differently because it was a matter of life or death. Yes, I do mean life or death. Not dramatically but honestly. If I kept drinking I’d die; either by my hand or because I would feel bullet proof and 7 feet tall and that gets me into situations that are not safe and that included being around people I didn’t know or moral situations that I felt no guilt over. And I would not be able to live with myself if I had hurt or killed someone while I was drunk driving.

Today I am a lot more willing. Still hold back on things but it was so bad that I wouldn’t even wear patterns on my clothing; it was too chaotic for me. I’m a pretty much black & white person so colors and patterns were not easy for me. I can wear colors now. Maybe not all patterns but I do have several tops that have some more subdued patterns.  I find it OK to put Black and Brown together…sometimes. But definitely never denim with denim…that’s a Canadian Tuxedo and just never something I could pull off.

I’m willing to try new music or foods. I have found that I can do things I never thought I could do…like being more creative. I’m willing to allow myself to fail; just as long as I tried.  Today I've decided to take the risk...

I love the fact that I am 36 years old and I am finding out that I’m not a horrible person…that I am actually a pretty good friend and daughter. I am a good worker. I take pride in what I do and I’m WILLING to do what it takes to make things right. Regardless of whether or not I want it to be done a certain way. But if it’s the right way…that’s important.

So my love affair with me is going along pretty well. I still have that committee of 12 in my head that does a constant barrage of insults and derogatory comments. But now I stand up to them more and will them to silence. Because I'm good enough, smart enough and dog gone it, people like me.