Anger

Years ago, I would never have thought to tell people that I was angry. First, I just didn't recognize the feeling anger. I had stamped my feelings down so much that I could recognize sadness, which never ended in tears; I was too strong for that. Sometimes contempt. Never content, happy, joyous, and free. Just kind of neutral. Numb is probably a better word for it.


But about 3 years ago I entered the program and I was furious. I hated; HATED people. I hated what they wore, what they said; how they tried to hug me....back the fuck off, people. No touchy....you will leave with a limp.

People tiptoed around me because I would lash out at any given thing that I felt was an offense.  And it could just be that you are sitting there.  Because, God Damn it, that was MY spot.   I mean really....I used to succumb to this red tinged attitude. I would go off and not even really know what it was about. I'd lose my cool, as they would say.

A friend of mine says that he has 2 modes...off or go off.  That kind of summed me up.  Most of the time I was just OFF. 

Now? I get angry, but in appropriate ways. Sometimes. I'm in touch with my anger now and I seem to simmer at an even "bitch" level. For the most part I keep my mouth and feelings to myself. I understand that need for diplomacy. And I'm pretty good about how to word my frustrations. I can control that rage. Now, I have outlets. I "talk" about my anger.

But when I get really angry?I go looking for a dark corner to bring you to and hell is coming with me.