This one time...at Applebee's....

This is a long one but I couldn’t find a way to edit it down anymore then it is…probably everyone else could but it was necessary to me!


I was living in Independence Missouri when I was 23. One of my many jobs was as a bartender for a chain restaurant. We would occasionally call between restaurants to talk about what was going on, getting product etc...Now I should probably mention here that I had 8 W2s the year I was 23. Yes, 8….And some of those were all at the same time. I think I had 4 going at once at some point. I quickly left one of those jobs because it was encroaching on my “me” time (i.e. anything before noon or after 3am).



At Applebee’s, I was a hostess, server and bartender. Being a hostess looks like the easiest job ever but you really have to juggle the whole dynamics of the restaurant. Because if you seat someone in section 1, then section 5 gets pissed because you are favoring 1. Then if you seat section 6, they get pissed because you are slamming them with too many people at once and the odds of pissing people off and getting less tips is high. THEN you have to make sure all the busy boys are available and not out back smoking crack. If you slam too many areas the kitchen gets bitchy and takes it out on the servers who them take it out on the hostesses by not recording all their tips so they don’t have to put as much in for the hostess and bus boy tips. Vicious cycle.



Being a server was OK, I was really good about remembering what people ordered without writing it down but I always did because it bothered people too much when I didn’t write it down. Like I was just going to bring them whatever fell off the counter. I mean, people’s orders were lined up and if it hit the floor it’s not like we’re going to give that to some other table. They ordered it, they get it.



But being a bartender was stellar. I made over $1,000 one night, I was such a good bartender. Given, I was smaller and cuter back them. And I have a way of getting people to relax and get them engaged. Especially guys. For some reason, I have a pretty good knack for talking to guys and not sounding like I’m begging for attention or trying to make them save me. I come across as “real”. That is probably why I had a great deal of guy friends and no boyfriends.



One task for the bartender was to answer the phone. And there were times that it was idiots asking about pricing and how much alcohol and what is the tax rate. Is Melissa there?...Stuff I could just give a shit about. But sometimes, usually before the lunch rush, different locations would start calling, asking about stock. We constantly traded back and forth with other locations in the area. Low in tomatoes in one 5 miles away and we had an abundance of tomatoes…etc.



So I tended to work lunch (which sucks ass, not a lot of tips at lunch at the bar…more then you were guess but still not a couple hundred like at night), I got the different locations calls. I would normally hand off to the assistant or general manager after some back and forth. But there was a location that called just one time and talked to me and this guy kept calling back. The problem is….he was in Springfield Missouri. Like 3 hours away. Now, I can’t recall the reason behind him calling a location so far away but it became a serious scheduled event when I worked.



So I talked to the manager of the location, we'll call him Andy. I honestly don't remember his name so it could seriously be Andy...but I'm betting he doesn't follow me on Blogger.com...just a guess. Andy and I would flirt SHAMELESSLY over the phone. At one point he faxed me a picture of his driver’s license to show me a picture. This was before email really and definitely before cell phones with cameras. So I probably asked to see what he looked like.



I’m not sure I asked a lot of the important questions…like are you married, do you have kids, what is your favorite color….anything kind of personal. Now, I’m not the most moral person out there. I tend to leave my morals with the clothes I just took off in the back of a car. It never occurred to me to say No to certain situations. Ironically I was always drinking when I was in the back of cars naked. I guess I had some common sense when sober, not much but some.



So after a long time (like a week), Andy talked me into coming to Springfield to visit him. I immediately asked for 2 days off and got a map. Now, I had no thought process behind this. I had a dog…guess I’ll just bring him. Didn’t ask Andy, just threw Milo in the back of the car and head out. I didn’t pack any clothes. I honestly have NO IDEA how far away it was. I thought it was just a quick jaunt. I would have left earlier!



So the 3 hour drive finished and I found his house. It was late morning at this point and I be bop up to the door and finger the doorbell.



This puffy, rumpled and very severely hair loss version of Andy’s driver’s license opens the door. Hmmmmmm…maybe I remember him wrong in the picture….nevermind, I’m here and I’m ready for whatever happens.



I come inside and immediately Milo shits on his carpet….Hmmmmmm….maybe I should have let Milo out of the car in those 3 hours to poop or pee….nevermind, I’m here and I’m ready for whatever happens…as soon as I flush this paper towel full of poop.



I’m not sure what happened to this situation in my head to what was actually before me but about 20 minutes into the seriously strained conversation the doorbell goes off. He ignores it, doesn’t say anything to me. It rings again….still nothing. This is when it starts to go to shit….a woman starts screaming outside the front door that Andy needs to get his fat fucking ass over to their house and mow the fucking lawn. She knows he’s in there. He’s going to leave his wife and 6 month old son standing outside in the sun? Andy…get your ass over to the house and mow my fucking lawn….Hmmmmm…….maybe I should have asked those important “are you married?” “do you have kids?” questions ….nevermind, I’m here and I’m ready for whatever happens…as he scurries out the door to go mow the fucking lawn at his house.



I’m still sitting there trying to navigate my way through this baffling situation when he comes back in the house, still rumpled, puffy, less hair and now very sweaty. Not because of any exertion on his part on his fucking lawn but because in the 5 minutes since he left after mumbled something about leaving and will be back later. No he’s sweating because he just sideswiped the whole passenger side of my NEW car. I stood there and just shook my head. He mumbled one more time about leaving and will be back later; I sit down in the living room and start to wait for imposter Andy to come back so I can get his insurance information. Hmmmmmmm……maybe I should have left as soon as psycho wife and baby disappeared and never looked back…nevermind, I’m here and I’m ready to start getting a little perturbed.



About an hour after Loser Andy leaves, Andy’s gorgeous roommate Neil shows up. Now I did not know that Andy had a roommate, but I also didn’t know that Andy was married. Shame on him for not mentioning the gorgeous roommate though! Gorgeous roommate feels bad for sad sad sad situation I am in and asks if I want to go out drinking with some of his buddies this evening. He’ll buy me a drink…Hmmmmmm…maybe I could wait around for Loafer Andy and get his insurance info and then blow him off to go with Edible Neil…..well, definitely I’m here and I’m ready for whatever Neil wants to happen. But I should probably just get the insurance info and go home. Call it a day…



Bewildered Andy shows back up about 3 hours later. I had been watching TV while he was mowing his fucking lawn so I was kind of looking for some entertainment. I felt that Andy owed me a great deal because of this whole snafu and what was he going to do to make it right. Well Andy felt that it was appropriate to discuss this over lunch. Preferably at an Applebee’s so he could get a discount. Skimpy whore. We go to lunch and we do not talk more than 3 sentences each. Seriously. He wrote down his insurance info, we drove back to the house and he took another shower because he worked that afternoon. WTF???? I drive 3 hours to meet a guy that has a good picture on his driver’s license, sounds like a fun guy, wants to meet me and is willing to do what it takes. Only to find a wimpy, balding, dick that had to work when he knew I was coming to visit. Hmmmmmm…..maybe I should stay and go drinking with Gorgeous Neil?....nevermind….no wait, I do want to mind. I’m getting lit tonight!



Fast forward a couple of hours and Shannon is LIT. She had 6 guys surrounding her all night. And not in a “she’s our little sister” way but a full on court press for my attention. God Bless America. Hmmmmm…..maybe I should edit this part. Yeah, definitely edit this part.



Around 2 am, Shannon is sleeping her drunk off in the spare bedroom. Shannon is very intoxicated and barely knows where she is but definitely woke right the fuck up when she was poked in the butt cheek; twice. Rolling over, there is man next to the bed wearing a brown shirt. This is not shocking. Shaking the sleep out of her eyes, Shannon sees that actually it’s not a brown shirt but actually a naked man with hair over 99% of his body. And he continues to poke her to get her to wake up. Finally clearing away the last little bit of sleep, Shannon realizes that Chewbacca Andy is poking her hoping to poke her…..Hmmmmmm……..maybe I should have stayed with the 6 guys.



True Story.