My List of Demands

This is a long post but should be a quick read.

After reading through these and then adding some from another blog I follow...I really don't think this is unreasonable.  I think I'm asking for things that are kind of mandatory. At least I think so.  And this isn't a list of things that the ex wasn't, although several are definitely opposite. I think this is healthy.

Thank you Tracy for your hard work that went into your list and then I stole and tried to pawn it off as my own.  You're the best!

Here is the list of my ideal man:

• Communicates his needs and wants to talk to me.  

• Listens to me talk about my day.  Takes a real interest in what I’m thinking about and what I need.  

• Interacts with me in conversations.  Gives me his attention.

• I want to feel a connection with him that allows us to be open and truthful with our thoughts and actions. 

• I want a man that is kind to others.  Not making judgments based on looks or speech.

• I want someone who is willing or likes to watch scary movies.  

• I want someone that is knowledgeable in “the bedroom” so that I don’t have to teach someone.   

• Keeping an open mind but also believing strongly in something

• I want someone to be able to tell me what his wants and needs are.  I want someone who is confident in himself enough to communicate what he needs and holds me accountable if I’m not meeting them.   

• I want someone who takes pride in himself, caring what he looks like.  Cutting his hair, shaving when necessary. I like facial hair but the occasional trimming is necessary.

• I want someone that takes pride in his home and car.  Meaning he mows the lawn when necessary, takes care of the maintenance of the car.  Being a responsible person with things in his life.  Taking the appropriate actions when necessary.  Not leaving things undone for extended periods of time because he just doesn’t want to deal with it.

• No young kids

• Accepting of my dogs.

• Accepting of my lifestyle and the baggage I come with.  Someone who is willing to help me with some of the medical issues but understanding when I have times where I don’t feel good or am having a hard time.  I want someone who is willing to give me space but is also concerned about me and wants to help as much as he can or I allow him.

• Believes in me, even when I don’t.

• Has a decent income, not living paycheck to paycheck.

• Has an important job – not to the point of sacrificing family but important to him.

• Trustworthy.  Knowing that I can talk to him with all of my thoughts and know that he won’t use them against me or make fun of them to others.  

• Holds himself accountable and can admit when he’s wrong or has made a mistake. And then be able to say he is sorry and mean it 

• Is spontaneous 

• Picks up after himself 

• Wants to do things outside of the house.  Go to movies, plays, etc.  Wants to spend time doing things together, things that require us to be involved.

• I want someone who has their own hobbies and that will allow me to be involved in them.  I would like for us to find things to do together.

• Tall. 6’ plus...I’m 5’3” and shouldn’t ask for a tall guy because of all the tall ladies out there but it is what it is...I like them tall. 

• Has a hobby that he’s passionate about.  

• Has buddies.

• Has to have a great sense of humor. Is willing to make me laugh but be serious when necessary.

• Thinks I’m funny.

• Has a footballer type physique.  I like my men a little beefy. Not necessarily muscles out to here but kind of like a big teddy bear

• Not politically correct, but not offensive

• At least has a understanding of his God but at least lets me have my conception of God

• Able to take me on a vacation.

• Is not clingy. He should know the difference between clingy and being close.

• Fiscally responsible but not cheap.

• Is proud that I’m his and wants his buddies to meet me.

• I am #1 with him (after his kids, should he have them)

• If he has kids, he must be crazy about them.

• Does not want more kids. 

• No lying, cheating, manipulating, deceiving, being secretive.

• Stands up for himself, especially with me.

• No drama. 

• Doesn’t mind if I cuss a lot.

• Knows a little bit about cars.

• Is OK with the thought that marriage may not be the end result of our relationship.  Just being together is enough for him.

• Doesn’t wear jewelry.

• Is OK with not having a bar in the house.  Willing to have a couple at home on the weekend but never longer.

• Knows when to say No.

• Does not feel embarrassed or ashamed of being in love with me.

• Looks at me like he’s in love with me.

• Acts like he is in love with me.

• Says he’s in love with me.

And I think there needs to be an ideal Shannon

• Be willing to accept the love of another person without compartmentalizing my feelings.  Holding myself back so I won’t get hurt.  I want to be willing to accept the love of another person for face value.  I want to be open to their feelings for me.

• Be willing to have my heart broken.  Putting my heart out for others to see.

• Be open to getting more than I think I deserve.

• Maybe cuss less

That was kind of fun...although kind of heartbreaking because I don't have any of that with someone. Everyone tells me it will happen when I least expect it.  I'm going to be least expecting the hell out of it.

Why can't he be the one?

I have only been dating in the last 3 months or so. And that is pushing it by calling it "dating".

I made the conscious choice to stop being involved with my ex on May 17th.  I know this is weird that I know dates but maybe it's my OCD or something but I remember dates.  I think it's important to remember things although the things I remember are kind of all about one person.  I know the date we met. The day we kissed for the first time. The day we decided to get married.  The day I stopped trying to get pregnant. I remember the date I told my Dad to "F" off, I had about a bottle of raspberry vodka and it was around 12:30 in the afternoon. We started drinking at 12:00, and when I say we, I really mean me.  I don't remember after about 3pm.  I remember the day we bought the house.  The date he told me he wasn't in love with me. The date he asked for the divorce.  The day I checked into the hospital.  The day I got sober.  The day I "got" God.  And the date I broke up with my ex.  May 17th.  And that was May 17th...3 years after he asked for the divorce.  I guess I'm a slow learner.

It was a few days after the 17th that I was asked out on my first real date in almost 3 years.  And I barely knew the guy.  I thought that this was God's design because I just expressed my desire to the universe to find "the one", so I jumped right in. I quickly became enamored.  This guy was nothing like the ex.  I mean, nothing. He was confident. He was manly (not to say the ex wasn't manly but not like this guy). The Boss (my nickname for him) was sure of himself. He didn't take any crap, he gave it.  And I couldn't get away with anything.  I'd try to manipulate the situation and he'd quickly stop that crap.  He deamaned attention.  Nothing was off topic and he told me what we were going to do.  We talked for hours every night for about 3 weeks.  One of those nights he made me go downstairs and watch TV at the same time we were on the phone. I watched 2 hours of TV while talking about it on the phone.  I would try to evade a question and he would keep asking me about it.  He wanted to know everything.  When I laugh, I sometimes snort.  "Did you just snort?"  He laughed his ass off. That was honestly the sexiest man I have ever met. I wanted to rip his clothes off.  He was all the things I thought I wanted in a guy.

I'm kind of bossy.  Yeah, I know...you know that already.  I also get a little pushy...shocking...I am definitely a "driver" personality.  I'm the aggressive one. Always have been.  I don't get a lot of guys that stand up to me and demand that I do what they want.  I'm not sure I've ever had that before The Boss.  Because I tend to be aggressive I get the "whatever you want to do" answer.  I hate this because I feel like I make decisions all the time and I'd give anything for someone to make a decision once in awhile.  I could handle doing what someone else wants to do if it meant I just had to say "yes sir"...which The Boss never made me do....just to clarify.

So, because I am not meant to be with anyone anytime soon, The Boss moved on.  And I was devastated.  I'm not really sure what happened but we stopped talking.  I didn't hear from him for a week and I tried to reconcile but nothing.  I took the high road and unfriended him on Facebook. But this one hurt.  A couple of people expressed their concern with him before the end but I still don't see what the bad parts where.  He was what I wanted...

So this one has stuck.  I think about him occassionally (OK, more then occasionally).  I wonder what happened and maybe that is why I still hold a torch for him.  Because I don't know what went wrong. He just walked away.  And all the guys after him have been lacking in comparison to him.

I had one that I thought was a really good prospect if a bit cautious.  But we only did email because the 1st phone call went until 1am.  And the 1st time we met , we stood around for 3 hours.  All too long for this guy.  Not bad too long but he said it would be easier to just email each other so it wouldn't take so long.  After two weeks of emailing dozens of times a day, he just stopped emailing me.  He told me I was vivacious and that I was too aggressive for him.  I honestly think he was not ready to be in a relationship.  But maybe that's my ego talking.

In between then and now, I've gone on a few first dates but nothing more then that until this last one.  He is a really nice guy. Smart, funny, great friend material.  But he got involved.  He got all sorts of wrapped up in me and my personality.  He actually told me he adored me as I was trying to tell him I wasn't interested in the nicest way possible.  Poor guy even told me that I could call him if anything changed.  I could just stick with this one.  He would be a great boyfriend if there was any kind of connection on my part.  But again...he's not The Boss.  Not even close.

So I have made the decision to stop dating.  No more dating services.  No trolling Facebook applications.  I'm just done.  Because I'm not sure I even know what I want anymore.  Just saying the opposite of the ex doesn't really give me a lot of material.  And I don't want to be a serial dater.

But I have to ask, why can't this just happen?  Naturally?  I don't go to bars, so I know that cuts the options available to me down.  But how else am I supposed to meet them?  Friend of a friend?  I don't have a lot of friends...and in my age range?  Most are still married.  And I really don't want someone older then 40 or even 41.  But I'm also not getting any younger and my only option is younger guys. I married a younger guy and it was not really successful, obviously.  Not that that should mean all younger guys are not for me.  It really does come down to personality.

This all takes a lot of thought on my part and I'm tired of it.  So, no actively looking for dates.  If it's going to happen, it's going to happen without me having a hand in it.

A friend that does a blog just put together her list of what she wants in a man and I found it surprisingly fresh.  I have a list but I want to add some of her's to mine.  So expect another post so you can see what kind of demands I have for a guy, to be in a relationship.

Screw it, let's ride....

I have been thinking about a motorcycle lately.  Of course I cannot afford one anytime soon.  But the thought is still there.  I fluctuate between a cruiser or a street bike.  I'm leaning towards a street bike...but then again, she's leaning towards a street bike...give me a couple of years and this could be me and my bike...

Give me 5 years!

My History with Cars

I come from a long line of poor choice vehicles.  My parents have a knack for buying cars that are not the most durable or reliant.  I come by it honestly.

I bought my first car when I was 16 and it was a POS (piece of sh@t).  But it got me through my high school career and my first year or two of college.  Let me rephrase that, it got me through my first 2 years of being in Kansas.  I wasn't a college student for very long so I can't claim it as a career.

I bought a car when I was 23 and it was great!  It was newer, I took care of it, I loved it.  But I make a lot of rash decisions in my life.  Not just with cars but with other things too.  I want, when I want it, and how I want it.  And be dammed if you don't give me what I want.  And I've improved over the years!


Then I married a man that will research the hell out of EVERYTHING....so I couldn't just buy something.  But I was definitely able to manipulate the situation.  So really I had someone to blame when anything went wrong.  But I found that the Kennedy curse did not transfer ownership when I changed my name.  The ex was good luck. We had a couple cars and no issues with any of them.  He still has a truck that is over 12 years old and it's in pretty good shape.

As soon as the divorce was final, I decided that I needed a new car. New car, new start.  Well, the Kennedy Curse was back and she bitch slapped me.  I was on our classifieds website at work and just going through, killing time.  I pulled up this posting for a Land Rover Freelander.

Let me pause here and explain that I have wanted a Range Rover since I can remember.  The 95-99 era one.  Once it went into 2000 the body style went a little soft.  They were rounded edges and slanting.  The older version were boxy. Which is what I loved.  And I have to admit that the prestige of having a Range Rover was there too.  But I'm a realist and know that I will never have one.

So I thought the Freelander would probably be the closest to a Range Rover I would get.  Now, I did not need a car.  I had a perfectly (PERFECTLY FREE) car. It was really good shape, great mileage and no car payment.  But the minute, and I mean minute, I saw the Land Rover, I wanted it.  No...needed it.  I HAD to have it.  This is the impulsive nature of me.  I really need to run these types of things through people.

That was on Tuesday, I took possession of it on Friday.  I did not once actually see the car or ask any questions.  I did not know what type of gas it needed or when the last oil change was.  I had no idea if it actually had a motor. But I walked to the credit union at work on Wednesday and I got the check on Friday morning.  I followed the guy home and then we drove back to my place.  I had a Land Rover.

I had the car exactly 2 weeks when I had my first EVER accident.  It was totally my fault and insurance wanted to total it.  So, instead of asking people their opinion or what the ramifications would be, I opted to repair it.  I could have walked away with a little more then the car was worth and tried to find another car.  But I chose to fix.  Now I didn't know or even ask what that means.  When you total a car and then repair?  That makes it a salvage title.  I immediately lost all value of the car.  I could maybe be a grand for it.  I didn't realize this.

So I repaired it.  Took almost 2 weeks and I was paying for a rental car during this time.  Luckily the body shop cut me a pretty good deal and had enough to cover the rental car.  So I really learned nothing. I had to get it reregistered and found out how difficult it was to do that so I did kind of learn to not do that but only because it was a pain in the ass to get the DMV to do their part.

About 2 months later someone hit me in the parking lot.  Not my fault for a change but it was hit in the exact same place as my original accident.  That was another 2 weeks and this time I ended up paying for the rental car in total.  That was over $300 that I didn't have.

This is when the wheels start falling off.

I had to rewire the whole back end because something happened and the mechanic I used was incompetent with Land Rover vehicles and took me to the cleaner.  Not only did the back end need to be wired but the timing belt and some other belt needed to be replaced.  That set me back $5K.  Luckily my ex had just paid me my settlement for the house.  Again, God was covering for me a bit. But still....$5 frickin' K.

Then an oil change there was $75.  I quickly decided to not use that mechanic anymore.  But the dealership was less then helpful.  They actually told me to just buy a new Land Rover - the Discovery model because the Freelander was the throw away model.  Crap....

I drove around with my Check Engine light on for over 18 months.  It never exploded but it would do strange things sometimes.  Wouldn't start but nothing was wrong with the ignition.  It was actually a short in the dashboard and steering column. Awesome.

So back in April I had knee surgery.  This has nothing to do with the car issues really but I was home that week and I decided that I wanted to look at the Cubes.  I had not really seen them. I think I passed one or two in 6 months maybe.  But for some reason I choose to go check it out.  And I knew I had a ace in the hole because I took the ex with me.  Kind of give me some good luck.

But I had ZERO intent to purchase a new car.  I swear by that.

After the test drive and talking numbers I was kind of inclined to buy a new car.  Money-wise they could meet my payment and it was a really cool car that I decided I HAD to have.  And my ex talked me through it.  Asking me if I could really afford it, looked under the hood and asked all the mechanical questions.

But what nailed it for me was that they gave me $2,500 for the Freelander.  I actually feel a little guilty for taking advantage of them but they offered and I immediately said to start the paperwork.  My ex took me aside and asked me if I understood what was happening and God Bless him...I knew what I was doing.  I was buying a new life.  He wouldn't understand that but I did.

So now I have a Nissan Cube.  This is not a Land Rover, not even close.  It's a boxy/rounded car...sounds weird, I know.

But I did a change in mentality.  I don't want a Range Rover anymore.  The Land Rover gave me an image.  And I was totally Johnson County snob.  You could not touch this...but the Cube is a different mentality.  It's the kind of car that tells people that I'm approachable.  I get to do things a little different because I am allowed to be "eccentric" in such a weird car.  Maybe I'm not explaining this right but it boils down to this.  I want to be free spirited. I want to wear tennis shoes with dresses.  I want to try to be artistic (or at least crafty).  I want people to ask me about my car and I get to show it off.  I guess it goes back to that wanting to be unique.  I am unique now.  And I feel like I can try to be someone that I never thought I could get away with.  I can put patterns together on outfits.  I can have mismatching furniture.  I can go to thrift shops and repurpose things.  I can just do things differently then I thought I had to do them.  This is a whole new world for me.  I feel like I have permission to do things differently then I used to do them.  I was kind of in a rut.  I did the same things, over and over again because that was just how I always did them. I was suffocating.

This car changed my life because I have decided that I am no longer the person that I thought I was always going to be.  Do you know how freeing that is?  For me it was a complete change to my mentality.  I still do stupid shit.  But now I give myself permission to try different things.  And be OK with the results.  I can make mistakes and not beat myself half to death. This enables me to breathe.  I don't think I ever took a full and deep breathe before. I was constantly trying to take air in but never really filled my lungs.  I take deep breathes all the time now.  I feel energized.

And all because of a weird looking car!

The license plate is left over from the Land Rover and was taken off after I incurred a scratch so bad on the back passenger door; cost me $426 to repair.  And I had only had it 6 days.  Lousy Jinxed license plate was replaced.  It was only $3 to do that.  Should have done that before the scratch!

I am a geek...

I have something to admit.....I'm a geek.  Now don't try to tell me you don't believe me.  I, deep down, know that I'm a geek.  And I'm starting to be OK with that.  I mean, geeks get to have fun too.  But my geekyness is starting to get worse.  I'm in IT and I have pretty much always been a geek.  I preferred books to people.  And technology to socializing.  I started a car club...which did not score me points with some of my friends. I honestly do not understand their lack of understanding.  I think it's awesome that people who are like minded want to get together to show off our cars.  Or anything else for that matter.  We have something in common and would normally wouldn't have interacted.  So I get to meet new people.  That's a good thing, I think.


But I am still a geek. I love getting a new program/computer/technical "thing" and playing with it.  I will play the shit out of something just to get to achieve something.  Not sometime really tangible but rather a sense of accomplishment.


So this should come as no surprise...I am addicted to Facebook.  I am honestly on it all day.  I will be typing up an email or uploading pictures and then switch to Facebook as I'm doing now.  It has taken me about 30 minutes to write just this top piece because I'm switching to Facebook to check on stuff.


For awhile there I was posting something every day.  I think I'm pretty witty so I was constantly posting something to see what kind of reactions I get.  I like to make people laugh and I spend a lot of time coming up with original and funny things to say...I have a big ego and am pretty narcissistic.


And yes....I play the games.  I started off with FarmTown then went to Mafia Wars.  I tried really hard to stay away from FarmVille but, and I'm ashamed of this, I succumbed and I made it until level 45 and now I can't stand it.  I then moved to Social City but I started a new game (Market Street) and so I've kind of left Social City and really haven't played it for the last couple of weeks.  But Market Street has my full attention.  And I justify this game because it's a good project management tool. Wait...hear me out on this....I have to keep track of all the merchandise and their placement in my store.  Each piece of merchandise has a shelf life and I have to manage the next batch of products to ensure that I don't have shelves with no product.  I honestly do think it will help with my project management....seriously!


I have over 250 friends on Facebook. I cannot tell you who most of those 250 are.  There are quite a few friends and family.  But most are people that are playing one game or another and wanted a neighbor.  I have gone through in the last couple of days and gotten rid of about 30.  And I still am not sure about some of them.  I will probably take the plunge and just unfriend a lot of them because I'm tired of reading their game induced postings about their levels or their size of crop.  I'm really tired of having 3,000 posts on my page about their need for a shovel or gas.  I'm tired of scrolling down my page to see if ANYONE has posted something original, not from a game.  


I actually talk to people through Facebook more then I do in person.  Not because I talk to more people but rather Facebook is my mode of communication.  I am pretty sure that a lot of people know that they can try Facebook if they can't get me through email or phone.  That's kind of nerdy, I know.  And maybe a bit obsessive.  I'm not sure how my company feels about it but we opened it up about a year ago because HR made a reasonable request to use it as a recruiting tool.  I was against it but my boss decided to go with it and shame on him.  If they did a report of who has the highest Internet usage it would probably be me.  But the only saving TOTAL grace is that I can't play games while at work.  We have that blocked.  That saves me a lot because I would be playing constantly and that's not productive for work. No matter how much I justify the project management skills it may bring me.  I don't think work would go for the game, which is a shame. We'd learn a lot!


I posted this several months ago as kind of a joke but I have to admit that it hits home.

My name is Shannon and I'm a Facebook-aholic.

Step One - I admit I am powerless over Farmville and that my Social City game was unmanageable

Step two - Came to believe that staying off Facebook would restore me to sanity.

Step Three - Made a decision to turn my Facebook account over to the care of the Internet God as I understand him.

Step Four - Made a searching and fearless inventory of my Farmville gift box


Step Five - Admitted to everyone on my friends list the exact nature of my Social City growth


Step Six - Were entirely ready to have my Facebook friends send me more Mafia Wars respect requests

Step Seven - Made a list of all people and humbly asked them to send me boards for my horse stable

Step Eight - made a list of all friends and became willing to add more

Step nine - Made direct requests to all my friends to like a new page, except when to do so would cause them to unfriend me.

Step Ten - Continued to search for more pages and when I found one...quickly sign up for it

Step Eleven - Seek constant contact with the Internet, praying that my Internet does not go down and if so, piggyback off my neighbor's wireless

Step Twelve - Carry the message of the Facebookaholic to others and to practice staying off for many hours and the power to stick with that.


May the force be with you!

Drinking and Living

I used to coexist in my life.  I had one life at work where people didn't ask me how I was or what I did that weekend.  This is because I never asked anyone else.  I really didn't care.  I came to work to do my job so I can get paid.  This is a very simple equation...but people like to make it difficult.  They throw in their personalities, their kids, their houses, the in-laws, etc... All things I could have gived a shit about.  That was kind of my motto about anything I didn't want to know or have to deal with..."I could give a shit".

Now, this does not make me popular at work.  And I used to not care about that.  But when I went through the divorce and changed my name...people asked me if I was getting married.  Most people had no idea I had been married.  People had no idea that I had dogs that were my "children".  Some didn't even know that I was actually born, not forged in hell's fiery bowels.

I was definitely known as a bitch at work.  No small talk, let's get this shit done so I can go back to my office and get other shit done.

My other life was not any better.  I was married but barely.  We never talked.  He would be gone during the week and then, when he got home, I wanted to spend every waking moment with him and to go out and do things.  Well, my ex is a homebody...to the nth degree...his philosophy was that if the restaurant didn't have drive through, he didn't need to eat it.  Can you see how frustrating that can be?  And then add on top of that the crashing down of the life I had because of our incapability.  I'll call it that for lack of the will to tell the whole story.  Suffice to say, we were on a fast track to a divorce that I never saw coming.  I should have because there were signs EVERYWHERE.  Biggest one that should have shocked the sense into me was when he told me in October of 2006 that he didn't think he was in love with me anymore.  THAT should have been a clue.  But in my head I just put it away, didn't want to think about it.

So I started to have a couple of drinks during the week.  He was gone most weeks so I could have a bottle or two of wine.  Around this time I decided that I wanted to become an expert in wine.  Really, I just wanted to drink.  I took wine tasting classes.  Whoever came up with that was a GENIUS!!!  We would try about 5 different wines and do a little noshing.  Although I was disappointed that they weren't full glasses of wine.  Just like 3 ounces.  And you weren't supposed to chug them...sip and swish around in your mouth.  Some even spit it out.  WTF?  I wasn't going to waste perfectly good wine. I may not have liked it but I for sure was going to drink it.  That's alcohol abuse in my book.

And then...dom dom dom....my marriage ended.  Calmly and amiable.  Although I was dying inside. I had never, ever, ever, ever felt so much pain.  And I've experienced pain.  This was crushing.  I don't know how I survived those first couple of months.  But I drank.  I pretty much drank every day for the next 6 months.  There was a week in there were I had checked myself into Shawnee Mission Psych ward because I was just done.  I was tired...and it wasn't because I hadn't slept, although that was another issue.  I was just tired of being alive.  I hurt so much and didn't know how to handle it....so I just didn't want to.  I didn't want to handle it.  And drinking numbed that for awhile but sometimes I would be sober and realize that I was still breathing but I didn't want to do that anymore either. I was just tired.

When I checked out of Shawnee Mission (which is a great program for people that need help), they put on my exit form that I needed to look into a 12 step program.  WTF???  I had no idea where they got that from. I didn't drink that much and what had I said that tipped them off.  Because I still don't know what I said to make them say that.

I have a habit of being honest with people. Sometimes a little bluntly (although that is improving).  So I'm surprised when people tell me to stop calling them and go to a 12 step program.  I was confused.  But I started going in October of 2007. I stopped drinking in November of 2007 (the 6th to be exact).  But my sobriety date is March 14, 2008.  I have a huge resentment about that but it's appropriate.  See, if I take my pills a certain way, I get high. And I told my sponsor that.  She then "suggested" that I change my date and to stop taking my pills that way.  All true and right.  Still, I like that I'll have 3 years in November but really it's 3 years next March.

So now?  It has been a hard almost 3 years.  I don't know how I kept my job because for 2007 and 2008 I was probably home drunk in part of 2007 and crying and huddling under my covers in 2008 about 1/2 of the time.  My boss is a great man and he took pity on me.  Don't get me wrong.  I did my job, sometimes from my bedroom.  But I didn't excel like I had.  But I still am not sure how I was able to keep my job.  I'm so very grateful to my boss for that.

The first year of sobriety was actually pretty easy.  I was not drinking, which I found easy to not do.  I didn't crave a drink and (knock on wood) I still do not crave a drink.  I spent most of the first year not talking in meetings.  I listened.  And I hated everyone and everything about the program.  I didn't want to be there, I didn't like what they had to say, I was miserable so why do I need to stop drinking?  But around my year mark, something happened.  Because I was still fighting the reasoning around WHY I had to be there, I still thought that I could go and drink and it wouldn't be bad.  They had taught me how to arm myself.

But I have to admit that I would never drink again and not feel some type of guilt, frustration and anger because I know better.  I know that I'm an alcoholic.  I know that deep down inside.  And I know that I could lose everything if I drank.  And that is because I have a life today that is so worth it that I am not willing to interrupt that.

People say that this program gave them their life back...I have to disagree, this program gave me a life.  Because I was just surviving before.  I was just going through the motions.  I have a life that includes those people at work; asking them about their weekend and their kids.  It includes actually responding back in the conversation with what I did for the weekend.  I may never be BFF with people at work.  But they know that I bought a new car.  They know that my Milo is pretty much deaf.  They know that I have tattoos.  Maybe not really good friends but we're more then acquaintances.

And then there are my friends outside of work.  I have great friends because of this program.  Some in the program, some from before the divorce and the program.  And then there are those that I am making independently from the program.  Who would have thought that I could have friends?  Real friends...ones that I ask for their opinion and get it and even sometimes I get to give my opinion and mean it. I actually care now.  My "could give a shit" attitude? It's still there.  And I have to fight it sometimes.  But it does not define me.

For those of you out there that are in a 12 step program or know someone who is...keep coming back because it works if you work it.

Divine Intervention

I have this tenuous relationship with God.  I never used to believe in him and he always believed in me.  It took me several years to come to God. But I wasn't really looking for him when I found him.  I knew that there were things happening in my life that I could not explain as easily as I had in the past.  I was starting to think things that I had never done in the past.  All things that were pointing to the fact that, yes indeed, I was not the center of the universe.

And I was so desperate to find that connection.  Cause being alone in the universe, when everyone else had this personal relationship?  That was getting to be a source of jealousy.  And I'm not sure that I necessarily believed in God right away.  But I believed something was going on and that it was going to change my life.  And I was so ready for that.  I just didn't realize what that change was going to entail.

The day that I truly started to believe in God AND that I "gave myself" to him was August 3rd. I know that it seems odd to know the exact day but can you remember the day that God talked to you?  I was 35 years old and had never believed in God.  I had NEVER willingly gone to church. I don't remember ever going to a bible study class. I honestly do not know the bible stories that most kids are taught.  I had zero desire to belong to a "cult".  And most "Christians" were two faced liars and couldn't be trusted.  They were sometimes worse then convicted felons.  And they typically where the ones that I found were into freaky crap that most of us didn't do.

Not that some of that isn't true but it's not true for every Christian.  The people in my church are truly some of the best people I have ever met.  And I still find them a bit Cotton Candy Fluffy in their views but they are genuine in their faith and their need to help others.

God talks to me through music mostly.  I'll be in a mood and then I'll hear a song or two that have special meaning, I know that someone is trying to tell me something.  And that someone knew exactly what to do to get my attention.  And that is what God did for me on August 2nd 2009.  I had just vomited up a lot of resentment and guilt to someone, well before it was time to do that in my program. And it didn't make me feel better.  On the way to a friends house, a song came on my iPod that reduced me further to tears.  It was a song that I hadn't heard in months but was spot on with what I was feeling.  It was a break up song that I had been avoiding because I still wasn't through mourning the divorce.

I got to my friends house and a couple of other friends where there. They all gave me crap for doing what I did and so just suck it up.  But that afternoon they told me a story (totally off topic of my issue) that talked about visualizing putting someone in God's hands, to keep them safe because that person couldn't do it without him.  And then asked why we couldn't put ourselves in God's hands because we can't do it alone. That made a huge impact on me.

Later that night I was in the bathroom straightening my hair and was really not thinking of anything else and a song came on that was, yet again, one that I had listened to nonstop for a month or so and dealt with breakup.  I didn't think it was on my iPod anymore but it played and that was it.  I put my brush down and just wept.  I got it.  He had finally gotten my attention.  How could I deny that someone was out there and trying to talk to me.  I literally got on my knees and said the only thing I could think of because I had never prayed before.  I asked him to help me understand and that I don't stop believing the next day.  Because I was just so sure that I would over think it and deny anything had happened.

The next day I called my friend Mary and told her what happened.  She had me come over and I got on my knees again and truly asked God to reach to me as a child of his and to let me be open to him forever.  Technically I think I said I would be a child of God until the end of day.  I truly hope that I can keep that promise.

Now, I have a church that I go to every weekend.  I've been in Bible studies.  I volunteer my time.  And people know me.  They actually know my name and want to ask about me personally.  How awesome is that?  I don't know that I'm a Lutheran but that is the church that my friend Mary goes to and the one that has welcomed me with very WIDE open arms.  And I was baptised for the first time in November of 2009.  And I didn't erupt into flames!

But over all, I have become a Christian. I still get embarrassed about it sometimes. Not any big reason other then my scientific mind tells me that I know better then believing in something that had little reason based on facts.  But that is what I used in the past to answer the questions I had about God and his role.



I'm going to leave you with my favorite passage.  This is 100% what has happened to me.  There is no other explanation as to why I am now a Christian and that I truly want to practice these principles in all my affairs (sound familiar to some of you?  The program is based in God!!!).

Ezekiel 11:19-20 ( New King James Version is my favorite version of the verse).

"Then I will give them one heart, and I will put a new spirit within them and take the stony heart out of their flesh, and give them a heart of flesh, that they may walk in My statutes and keep My judgements and do them; and they shall be My people and I will be their God."

I was actually known as the Cold Hearted Bitch.  I had no one close to my heart because I didn't have one.  Some may argue that but I now know what it's like to have a heart of flesh and My God...I was totally shut off from the sunshine of the spirit.

But no more.  My heart has been replaced.  I am now a child of God and I am so blessed.  How can you argue with that?

May God (your version is just as good as mine) bless you and keep you.

XOXO

Shan

Being Bipolar

I didn’t have friends really growing up. The few I had were never BFF’s. I would do something with them when they asked but I never went out of my way to include them in my life. I honestly would rather sit and read then do anything with a friend. Or even my family. I spent a lot of time in the back of the car or in my bedroom reading. It was my escape mechanism. And that is when I think my bipolar started to kick in.


I definitely was told that I had “something” wrong with me when I was 16. It was a school counselor. I think I may have over shared about something because a call was placed to my mom and I was confronted when I got home. I learned at that point to stop talking about my feelings and even my thoughts.

I struggled with being depressed for the next couple of years but I ignored it for the most part. I was never the life of a party or someone that got excited. If anything, I would bring the mood down in a room. It made it easier to be sluggish and nonresponsive because I then didn’t have to actually do anything. I didn’t want to work at being in a relationship so I just didn’t. I’ve had a few boyfriends but nothing serious until I got married. I would bounce from guy to guy because I tended to get along with them more. But I never stayed long.

I was 23 when I was officially diagnosed as being bipolar. 23 was a very bad year. I rocketed up and down so many times over that year. One great thing was that I got Milo then. I had no intention of getting a dog. Hadn’t even thought about it. But my impulsive manic side kicked in that day and I came home with the man of my dreams. Milo truly saved me a thousand times over. I wanted to just sink into the darkness. It was dark and comforting. I would lose hours of the day, just dipping into the blackness. I know there were times that I would go off in a red rage and just scream my frustration, fear and sadness. I was in a horrible place. And it all came down to one day, asking for help and not really getting it. It was the 2nd time I had asked for help. I do not ask for help. I am strong enough to do this on my own damn it. But I was even deeper then the blackness. It was darker then the inside of a hole. I was drowning. These are all things that are signs of deep depression and I was losing control. I am a control freak because of being bipolar. If I could just control my thoughts and reactions, I would be fine. I used to squash myself into this tiny little space in my head, making sure that I had constant control over what I did and what I thought. It was an exercise in futility many times but it got me through the next 10 years.

I have been on and off medication since I was 23. I stop taking it because I’m feeling better and so I should be OK, right? But ultimately I end up back in the dark and I struggle to crawl my way out of it. I was hospitalized in 2007 because I was not safe to be alone. I knew that and asked for help. I got it this time but only because I was so close to the cutting edge that I scared everyone in my family and those friends I had. It was good in a sense. I started taking my meds 100% of the time and I saw improvement. And I made some changes to my life shortly after that. Really major changes. And change, for me, is hard because if I don’t know how to handle the situation, I have no idea what to do. So if I control everything to go my way, I know what to expect. I know how to prepare myself.

There are times where I lose all control. I have two minds. There are about 12 people in my head at any given time. And it gets really crowded in there. There is the main mind that knows right from wrong, keeps appointments, knows how to talk through feelings. But I call it my bipolar mind that are those 12 people and is constantly trying to bombard me with propaganda about how I’m not a good person. For the most part I have the ability to tune these voices out and do what is right and expected of me. But there are times where they are sneaky bastards because they’ll slip in here and there. I’ll be ½ way through something that I had no intention doing but somehow I have stepped into the place where I think it’s a good idea. This does not mean that I am not to be held accountable for things. Absolutely not. I am responsible for my actions. And I try really hard to learn from these experiences. But sometimes I am not able to catch myself before I get into something. Money and food are huge for me. I will spend every cent I have and then some just because I have an impulse to do something and I MUST ACT ON IT…immediately.

I was never really manic for long periods of time. Maybe a day but closer to an hour or two. But the last 3 months (and probably longer) I have been extremely manic. Going without food. Having to take sleeping pills to get any kind of sleep. I spent major money on just crap. I would talk 300 miles a minute when I did talk. And I was constantly moving around. Couldn’t sit still. But I didn’t see it. At all. A friend of mine actually told me and as soon as she said it, I totally saw it. I saw how I had been acting like a crazy woman. I didn’t see it at the time. So I had to go to my doctor and talk to them about it. They put me on more medication. And it’s better. I have some major side effects from the meds but it’s working and I don’t want to mess with that.

Now, I find myself unprepared sometimes. I’ve been dealing with this for 13 years. I’ve been medicated consistently for 3 years. But I feel like I’m getting worse in some ways. At least I’m not doing as well as I had been or where I would like to be. Maybe because I’m distracted? Getting a little cocky? I don’t know. But I’ve had to change some of my meds, which I hate. I am nowhere near the deepest darkness I found myself at 23 but it’s getting dusky. I’m not in danger from myself. That is one thing that has been a huge blessing over the last year. I have been given the gift of valuing my life. I could never hurt myself. It would hurt too many people and I couldn’t do that to people. But I find that I am letting things slip. And I think that just means I have to try harder. Talk to more people, ask for help if I need it, stay on the meds and definitely keep active. Sitting around does not help me mentally.

I think the biggest thing is talking about it. I’ve always been a bit shy about talking to people and definitely don’t want them to know that I am not perfect. But I think it’s my responsibility to talk to those in my life. Make them understand my side of the situation. I’ve never been very forthright with what it is that I go through. My parents had no idea the actual issues with bipolar until I told my mom the other day what it’s like to live in my head. She never understood the slippery slope that is wound around my necessary discipline. She never understood why I had to control my situations. I don’t think she has ever had an impulse that she hasn’t been able to control. She doesn’t understand my need to do the same thing over and over again. And the constant campaign from my bipolar mind to destroy my view of myself. How do you explain to someone how full of hate you have for yourself? I don’t need anyone to abuse me; I do a good enough job on my own.

With all that said…did you even know that I was like this? I’m betting not. I’m betting you thought I was pretty confident and sturdy. That just shows what a good job I have done to make sure no one knows what my issues are. But this shouldn’t be something to be proud of. I need people to know about this. Because I don’t want to jump off the deep end some day and no one understand what happened. And it keeps me accountable.

I’m good today. I have moments of complete bafflement but I have been doing more on my spiritual program and I have been talking to people. Each opinion from them helps solidify in my mind what should be done. And I am taking an aggressive stance with my mind today. Each day is better than the last but then the next day could be horrible. I just never know what is going to be my reaction for the day but I have actions I can take to change that day. Because I do have that ability. I have the right to start my day over at any time. And I have control over what I do, I just have to exercise that control. This means constant vigilance but I think my life is worth being on the constant defense.

I typically try to keep this blog upbeat and funny. But this is what I am dealing with right now and I feel obligated to tell my story. Not because I think it will make you like or hate me more but because you might know someone that has these traits and maybe you can help them. Because we rarely ask for help and for someone to put out their hand and offer to walk with them…that’s huge.

Pretty good page about bipolar. Treatments, symptoms, etc…

Bipolar Disorder - Wikipedia

I also recommend “The Up and Down Life” by Paul E Jones. He makes the disorder funny in parts but absolutely heartbreaking in others. But pretty good about what I went through and what I currently go through. He also had a drinking problem and I definitely identify with that.

The Up and Down Life - Paul E Jones

Thank you for letting me put this up. It is actually very therapeutic to have written this. Not all details are here but enough to make others understand.

Ah...so this is how it works.  Genius...

What's your name?

Whenever I’m presented with something new, I feel the urge to name it. I’m not talking about giving it a whole new scientific name. Rather, a friendlier name. And this goes for people too. I’m not sure what the urge to name things comes from. Maybe my lack of friends growing up and so I feel like I have to create this intimacy between myself and this new thing. Making a connection that is unique. I have this terminal disease. I’m terminally unique. I totally want to be different than anyone else. I don’t want you to be like me because then I’m like everyone else and I have nothing really to make people want to be around me.


But this sometimes backfires on me when I find a name I like and I want to use it all the time. Like Sissy. My girl dog is Sammie but I typically call her Sissy. Mostly because my ex-husband didn’t like it and I liked needling him whenever possible. For that matter, I like needling most people. I think it’s the sarcastic side of me. I like poking fun because then they know that 1) I’m funny, 2) that I can figure people’s buttons and 3) that they know that I affectionately love to play with their emotions. All this sounded good in my head but on paper it looks like I mentally abuse those in my life….I guess I should discuss this with my therapist.


I know I’ve said this before but my dating life has been…well, spectacularly boring. I go through times when I’m having a lot of first dates (never more then 2) and then I have a really long dry spell. Right now, I’m going through a bountiful time. I have actually been on 3 dates with one guy (but didn’t go any further) and a lot of first dates too. There is another story in this that I’ll eventually get around to typing up but suffice it to say, I’m learning a lot about being rejected…and using dating services may not be the way to go…


But when I start talking to a guy, I need to name him. There was one guy that I was talking to that ABSOLUTELY needed to be renamed because he had the same name as my ex. Ironically…the most painful word in the world after the divorce was his name and I suddenly was surrounded with guys, all with that name. I swear it was God playing dirty…and it’s only taken 3 years to get over that.


Maybe it’s because I always wanted a nickname. I had one in high school, it was Ken-Ken. I loved that people called me Ken-Ken instead of Shannon. I think that is because I have never liked my name. I wanted to be a Molly or Maggie. I wanted to be a Katie…something shorter than their original name…hmmm…I never really thought about that but I really wanted a shorter name. I have always preferred to be called Shan. I have signed everything I think I’ve ever written with Shan. Even checks. I sign in websites with Shan Kennedy. But no one has ever really called me that. I finally said something to my Mom once about being called Shan and she now calls me Shan more. I think the need for a shorter name started because there was only 6 spots on tests and research forms for first name and so I was always Shanno…


But it goes for other people too. I’ve named one of my girlfriends “Pickle”. I love calling people pickle because it’s a line out of one of my favorite movies (Shaun of the Dead – “Hello Pickle!”). But because I’ve used it with one friend, I can’t use it with another. So I find myself running out of names. One friend told me her preference for a nickname and I am ALL OVER THAT!!! I’ll make a point of saying her name when we’re together. Because, if you think about it you don’t say a person’s name when you are with them. It’s typical for you to say “Hey, look at this” or “Dude, this is awesome” or maybe “Holy Shit you are hot” (that happens to me all the time!). But you very rarely say “Derek, I would like you to look at this. It is awesome. And yes, you can say I’m hot; as long as you call me Shan”.



I have to name objects too. Or at least assign them genders. My car is QBert but is a girl car. My old car was a man and was called Jinxed (long story behind that one). My alarm clock is a female; as is my computer. My couches are male and so is my workbench (that one is kind of obvious). But I don’t name every little thing…it’s just big things in my life.



People are given nicknames more than actual names. There’s been The Chief, Chuckles, Bear, Champ, Grumpy and Boss. I have to wonder if I name these people because I don’t want to deal with really knowing who they are. By calling them their name, I’m giving them power over me? Not like the Aboriginal tribe where taking their picture will take their soul away and hence their power. But that these people will actually start to mean something to me. Which has me wondering if I’m ready to actually let people in? I’ve spent the last 3 years “finding myself” (so cliche!!!) and I honestly think that I’m ready to get involved with people again. And I’m not just talking about dating. I’m talking about being around people that I want to really know. And for them to really know me. This is yet another topic that I should discuss with my therapist. I don’t know what I’ve been doing with her for this long and not touching on these subjects.

So, if I call you by something different then your God given name, it’s out of affection and not because I have totally forgotten your name. At least not all the time.

Big ass spider

There is a big ass spider outside my door.  I am PETRIFIED of spiders.  You will never see someone move so fast then when I see a spider.  I'll throw little children in front of me if I have to.  That shit ain't cool.  And they have to die.  No catch and release....fuckers should be smashed flat.  And I really do not like the idea of spider gunk on any surface and I'm not willing to pick up dead spiders any more then live ones.  But they have to die other wise they'll come back and bring the angry black spider with them to finish the fight.

But I digress...the one outside my door is one of those garden spiders that are freakishly big but everyone says they are great for bugs. And I have to agree. My front door has no bugs...just a big ass spider.  And the spider is just big enough where I'm starting to feel bad about the way I'm plotting it's death.

It started over on the right side of the building, right outside my neighbor's door.  It was looking over the "patio" we have and I was able to angle my way under it, whining like a baby the whole time.  Then we had that really big storm last Friday and it's web was destroyed.  Not only was it a cool storm but it erased my enemy. I was jolly on Saturday morning.    Then I got home from my activities on Saturday and the bitch had moved to my side of the entrance and was at face level now.  It was between the building and the bushes.  Right about perfect for a sneak attack.

So I've been trying to think of a way to eliminate this issue without it jumping on me, running up my arm and spinning cob webs between my eye balls (SHIVER....that just grossed me out writing that).....mom told me to swat it with a broom but I told her that it would just jump up and run up the handle and jump on me.  Now, you may see a theme.  I always think these things are going to jump on me.  Hence they have to die.  And even after dying they could come back as zombie spiders and jump on me.  It's the jumping that gets me.  But it's now big enough that I'm thinking it has a personality and maybe family on the other side of the building.  It's trying to be a grown up spider and do things on it's own.  It dreams of dancing on stage for other bugs to see....

So killing it, for me is becoming more of an issue because I don't want to kill Charlotte.  I bet someone thinks it's beautiful and worth living.  But now there is a flaw in this plan because it's got a big ass all of a sudden and that can not mean good things.  If that bitch pops and thousands of baby spiders come crawling out of her...Oh My God....I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

I'm either going to hole up in my apartment til the first frost or I'm moving.  Neither of which are going to work for my schedule.

I've got to come up with a way to kill this thing before I go insane over the thought of baby spiders crawling up my apartment wall, wiggling under the air conditioner and then jumping on me...

Crap, now all I can think of is spiders.  I'll be scanning the rooms in my apartment every few minutes and any time I feel like something is crawling on me I'll be freaking out.  I'm going to end up not sleeping and spraying the hell out of this fat ass spider, hoping it'll die without screaming (cause I can hear it screaming like the wicked witch of the west) or jumping on me.

Do exterminators make death calls?

Clear away the cobwebs

My dating life is becoming a war zone.  I move from one guy to the next. I never wanted to be a serial dater. I'm not in this for all the free food or movies.  The first date or two are actually my least favorite.  No one likes to get gussy'd up every Friday and Saturday.  I mean, maybe I just don't.  I'd love to find that one person and not keep going on first or second dates.  I spoke to my friend in California and she thinks I'm picky. And I know R.D. thinks I'm certifiable. But I can't help but think that I can do better then the last couple.

I mean, I don't think I"m asking too much. I think I'm being quite reasonable.  Maybe it's the dating site?  Or maybe the guy just doesn't come clean with everything?  It's all their fault...not mine.

The one that made me want to rip his clothes off was probably going to end up being a little controlling or abusive. But that's the one that I keep thinking about.  He told me what we were doing.  What dinner I was going to make.  What time I was supposed to be somewhere.  THAT was a huge turn on. I'm a planner person and I make plans.  It was such a treat to be told when to do something.  Which may have sounded like he was controlling. And he drank...not just drank but DRANK.  He even brought 3 beers with him for our last date.  He even knew I was in the program and didn't drink.  But I didn't think anything about it. I actually was proud of myself that I was able to fetch him a beer and pop the top without even thinking about it....hmmm...I might have to rethink this last sentence....

Not that it matters, he stopped talking to be after a month. I'm not altogether sure what happened but I unfriended him on Facebook and I regret it.  I really liked how he made me feel.  But things happen for a reason.

The one after him was so cautious that it was maddening.  He wouldn't call me because it would probably be a long conversation so he'll just email me.  And we met once but since that lasted a long time too, he thought email was just the best way to talk.  And my personality was hyper and he wasn't sure if I wouldn't turn out to be like an ex girlfriend. So he stopped talking to me too.  Didn't actually say "Hey, I'm a knob and am not going to call you anymore because I'm pretty sure I want to stay single"

There were a couple more in there for random first dates.  One had a late teen daughter that just had a kid.  This guy was my age and I'm 35!!  Which wouldn't be bad but he kept going on about the baby daddy wanting to move in with him and his daughter but because he didn't have a job that was no way to be a man. Never mind that she's 18 and had a baby...I mean he was 16 when he had his daughter so waiting 2 years is an improvement.  DRAMA!!!!

The next said he was 5'9" but I swear he was shorter then me and he thought it was a big deal that the people that owned the house were he rented a room would let us use the living room TV if I came over....yeah, that one didn't make a TV date...shame because he drove a mini-van too...pure sex.

The one this last week had some potential but still ended up freaking me out. He was pretty nice and funny.  He was absolutely enthralled with me.  I couldn't do anything wrong.  He brought flowers (I was impressed with that) but he wore shorts and sandals.  This was a pretty posh restaurant; took reservations, which may not mean as much to him as much as it did to me. And he had a pointy head.  Seriously pointy.  Like Conehead bad.  And it was all I could do not to stare at it that night.  And he was over the top about stuff.  Played my favorite band, played a couple of their love songs.  As I was trying to ignore his attempts to whoo me with the songs; I would try to talk over them and he kept turning them up.  Over the top....Saturday we went to an antique mall downtown KC, MO and he spent the whole 3 hours following me around.  Asking me if I liked this trinket or that throw pillow.  Again, all things that probably should happen but it felt like he would throw his grandma under a bus if he thought it would impress me.Even when I ended it, he told me that I could call or hang out if I changed my mind or just were bored.  I felt kind of bad about that one but I think I can do better.

And that is the rub.  I always think I can do better.  And I have to ask if that's really the case.  Because I'm holding out for that one guy.  THE ONE....and I think I should have that but maybe I'm not being realistic.

How do I get the ones that would do anything for me but are normal? Or at least make me feel like this is natural?  Am I asking too much to be introduced to someone and it just happens naturally?  I shouldn't have to troll the dating sites looking for a picture that is a good representation of what that person actually looks like.  The height that they put is correct.  That they "do drink socially" and mean it.  And if they do have kids, that they don't want more.  Because I think I've exhausted the 2 guys on Plenty of Fish that don't want kids and don't have any.

Music to my ears

I love music. It truly soothes my soul. I love listening to music but it has to be my music. I had satelite radio for 3 years and I can count on one hand the number of times I strayed from the 80's channel...that's 3 years of nothing but 80's music...Ice Ice Baby!

I have had an iPod since they came out. Upgrading every year or so. I have the touch and I absolutely love it. I would love it better if I had the iPhone instead but then I wouldnt have as much space. Although I don't have a full 32 gig right now. But I have about 4 movies and almost a thousand songs. I'm about a 3rd of the way full.

I live 2.7 miles from work. And so I have very little time in the car. 10 minutes on those mornings where I hit Metcalf at JUST the right time. But I average about 7 minutes. In that small span...I have to have my iPod attached. The beauty of my new car is that it has a direct connection to my iPod. Not an AV jack. But a direct usb connection That was one of the reasons I bought the car. But I can't listen to the radio in that 7 minutes. Ultimately because it's all commercials. What a way to waste those precious few minutes. And then there is my office. I can listen to music at my desk all day.

So I have my iTouch all the time. I walk the dogs and that's 30 minutes that I get to listen.

And walking the dogs is my time to meditate. It gives me a chance to just clear my head and listen to whatever comes on and I usually zone out and have some really great therapy sessions in my head. It's when I feel the closest to God. I love my walks. I've processed and forgiven a lot of things in those walks. And music is a huge part of that.

But I move through music pretty regularly.

I listen to the same music over and over and over. I will have a favorite for weeks. Now I have Favorite favorites. Ones that are just always going to be on my list. Waterloo, Dont bring me down, heartache tonight, small criminal, thriller (long version), jeopardy, strokin'...but I have newer favorites too. Nickelback is high on the list. A lot of heavier (notice I said heavier...not heavy) rock. I was listening to christiian rock when I went through my Jesus phase but got sick of the sappyness...(Just kidding JC!)

But for years I have ripped cd's from friends, librarys, and even Napster before it went legite (that tells you how long I've been collecting!) So I have over 6,000 songs. I listen to maybe 1/6 of that...and thats being generous. But I put in my budget each month for $20. Now that used to buy 20 songs but not anymore (gouging my pocketbook - Apple will get you as bad as Microsoft...but I digress). But most of that $20 goes toward movies now. I have over 200 actual dvd movies. But I have a bad habit of buying a movie and then NEVER watching it again. And I mean never. I've purposefully have made myself watch more lately but I even pay for Netflix and don't watch more then one or two a month. But that's cheaper then buying a new movie a week! While some would say to just not buy any or pay for Netflix I ask you how else am I going to waste money? I mean really? Should I pay my credit cards or put in savings? My bank would call me to check that someone hadn't hacked into my account and suddenly became more responsible. I have the audacity to be offended by that remark...

But my music is important to me. I really am not comfortable with silence. I struggle to listen to things when there is not music going.  And if I have to be quiet? I feel at loose ends. I don't like listening to my head. It gets pretty dark in there and I have to drown it out a lot. Which just takes me to my money problems.  But I will find so much peace with just listening to music.  I don't have to sing along or try to memorize the lyrics (although that happens with the amount of times I listen to a song) but the fact that I can listen to the lyrics or memorize them helps me. Maybe it's a lot like having Autism.  I'm soothed by it and a lot of times I can't deal with silence because it makes me face things. I don't know, I'm not a therapist but I"m sure there's a therapy session in there somewhere.

I'm willing to try new music. 1/2 the music I rip from the library I will never listen to because it's not something I find interesting but I continue to steal from the library because what if I MIGHT like it?  Then I wouldn't have to buy it.  So I'm making a commitment to listen to my already purchased/ripped music.  I've got over 6,000 to choose from so I guess I'll make an effort to branch out.

I still love 80's music but I like that I"m open enough to try something new.  I wasn't always so flexible.  This means progress rather then perfection.