I have only been dating in the last 3 months or so. And that is pushing it by calling it "dating".
I made the conscious choice to stop being involved with my ex on May 17th. I know this is weird that I know dates but maybe it's my OCD or something but I remember dates. I think it's important to remember things although the things I remember are kind of all about one person. I know the date we met. The day we kissed for the first time. The day we decided to get married. The day I stopped trying to get pregnant. I remember the date I told my Dad to "F" off, I had about a bottle of raspberry vodka and it was around 12:30 in the afternoon. We started drinking at 12:00, and when I say we, I really mean me. I don't remember after about 3pm. I remember the day we bought the house. The date he told me he wasn't in love with me. The date he asked for the divorce. The day I checked into the hospital. The day I got sober. The day I "got" God. And the date I broke up with my ex. May 17th. And that was May 17th...3 years after he asked for the divorce. I guess I'm a slow learner.
It was a few days after the 17th that I was asked out on my first real date in almost 3 years. And I barely knew the guy. I thought that this was God's design because I just expressed my desire to the universe to find "the one", so I jumped right in. I quickly became enamored. This guy was nothing like the ex. I mean, nothing. He was confident. He was manly (not to say the ex wasn't manly but not like this guy). The Boss (my nickname for him) was sure of himself. He didn't take any crap, he gave it. And I couldn't get away with anything. I'd try to manipulate the situation and he'd quickly stop that crap. He deamaned attention. Nothing was off topic and he told me what we were going to do. We talked for hours every night for about 3 weeks. One of those nights he made me go downstairs and watch TV at the same time we were on the phone. I watched 2 hours of TV while talking about it on the phone. I would try to evade a question and he would keep asking me about it. He wanted to know everything. When I laugh, I sometimes snort. "Did you just snort?" He laughed his ass off. That was honestly the sexiest man I have ever met. I wanted to rip his clothes off. He was all the things I thought I wanted in a guy.
I'm kind of bossy. Yeah, I know...you know that already. I also get a little pushy...shocking...I am definitely a "driver" personality. I'm the aggressive one. Always have been. I don't get a lot of guys that stand up to me and demand that I do what they want. I'm not sure I've ever had that before The Boss. Because I tend to be aggressive I get the "whatever you want to do" answer. I hate this because I feel like I make decisions all the time and I'd give anything for someone to make a decision once in awhile. I could handle doing what someone else wants to do if it meant I just had to say "yes sir"...which The Boss never made me do....just to clarify.
So, because I am not meant to be with anyone anytime soon, The Boss moved on. And I was devastated. I'm not really sure what happened but we stopped talking. I didn't hear from him for a week and I tried to reconcile but nothing. I took the high road and unfriended him on Facebook. But this one hurt. A couple of people expressed their concern with him before the end but I still don't see what the bad parts where. He was what I wanted...
So this one has stuck. I think about him occassionally (OK, more then occasionally). I wonder what happened and maybe that is why I still hold a torch for him. Because I don't know what went wrong. He just walked away. And all the guys after him have been lacking in comparison to him.
I had one that I thought was a really good prospect if a bit cautious. But we only did email because the 1st phone call went until 1am. And the 1st time we met , we stood around for 3 hours. All too long for this guy. Not bad too long but he said it would be easier to just email each other so it wouldn't take so long. After two weeks of emailing dozens of times a day, he just stopped emailing me. He told me I was vivacious and that I was too aggressive for him. I honestly think he was not ready to be in a relationship. But maybe that's my ego talking.
In between then and now, I've gone on a few first dates but nothing more then that until this last one. He is a really nice guy. Smart, funny, great friend material. But he got involved. He got all sorts of wrapped up in me and my personality. He actually told me he adored me as I was trying to tell him I wasn't interested in the nicest way possible. Poor guy even told me that I could call him if anything changed. I could just stick with this one. He would be a great boyfriend if there was any kind of connection on my part. But again...he's not The Boss. Not even close.
So I have made the decision to stop dating. No more dating services. No trolling Facebook applications. I'm just done. Because I'm not sure I even know what I want anymore. Just saying the opposite of the ex doesn't really give me a lot of material. And I don't want to be a serial dater.
But I have to ask, why can't this just happen? Naturally? I don't go to bars, so I know that cuts the options available to me down. But how else am I supposed to meet them? Friend of a friend? I don't have a lot of friends...and in my age range? Most are still married. And I really don't want someone older then 40 or even 41. But I'm also not getting any younger and my only option is younger guys. I married a younger guy and it was not really successful, obviously. Not that that should mean all younger guys are not for me. It really does come down to personality.
This all takes a lot of thought on my part and I'm tired of it. So, no actively looking for dates. If it's going to happen, it's going to happen without me having a hand in it.
A friend that does a blog just put together her list of what she wants in a man and I found it surprisingly fresh. I have a list but I want to add some of her's to mine. So expect another post so you can see what kind of demands I have for a guy, to be in a relationship.
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