I've been saved

Now, I'm not ripping something off here. It was not the "rapture" prophecy that made that sentence cool.  I'm pretty sure I said something about being saved on here before this rapture thing came up today.  So, I'm the original one here.

But I do have to report on my dire situation.  I think people thought I was over exaggerating.  I kind of was but that was until the next day after my post and I realized that I was not fucked as I thought....no, I was SEVERELY TOTALLY COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY fucked.  I literally was struck dumb with what I found the next day.  I actually pulled the contract out and I was speechless.

So I was a little more in trouble then I thought.  And so I caved and I asked my Mom for help.  Which I hate to do.  I hate that I am 36 and she has to come bail me out.  This is where I was saved.

Now, I know we all (maybe its just me) have these things about our Mom's. I hate it when she's right. I hate it when I have to ask for help and I hate it when she doesn't mouth off.  Sounds strange, I know.  But that woman is calm, cool and collected; on average.  Just like everyone, she gets angry and hurt.  She just tends to hold it in.  Never the fighter.  Something I struggle with because I'm mouthy, I try to stay calm but tend to get my hackles raised and I don't have the ability to find money where there just doesn't seem to be.

My Mom has saved our family (both as a unit and as satellite units). We tease her that she is so cheap that she would make a wooden nickel buffalo poop.  We tease her about it a lot.  When, in reality, she has not only coasted her and my Dad through unemployment issues in the past but I probably owe that woman $10K.  She's forgiven most of that and has been nice as to let me make payments on the little amount I have now.  My Mom does that because she loves me.  I frustrate her I'm sure (I know) but she sets those things aside and is my Mom.



So...yes, I've been saved.  But not total good has come from this. I still have money issues.  I've still got bad behaviors.  But the thing that keeps me going is not that I know my Mom will bail me out again but that I've got an ally with her.  She wants me to succeed if for nothing else then to get paid back the couple grand I owe her.  She wants her money!!!!

So....because I'm not good with emotional thank you's (or really anything emotional) I want to express my utter, deepest, grateful and loving gratitude for my Mom Sherri.....

For being there when I was shy about asking questions because I just didn't know things.

Thank you for telling me that I was smart and worthwhile. 

  Thank you for coming over and spending time with me when I was at my lowest

For letting me yell at you and say things that I wish I never said and then letting me come back and apologize

And for all the other thousands of things I have said and done or not said or done....

 

Thanks Mom!

Worth Saving?

Do I need saving?  And I don't mean in a JC kind of saving but I guess do I need saving from myself?  I mean, like an intervention.  I've had a "mini" intervention and I like to think that went well.  But when is the next time coming?  I don't want to beg for these things...interventions should never be horrible although many times they are, but I think they should be positive.  What?  You say I'm not a good person and not good person for me to be around?  How can I change for you and do you promise to stick by me?  Then, yes, I think interventions are a good thing.  As long as I approve of what you're going to booby trap me with and that I get to go somewhere for help that serves Crab Legs, orange juice, an assortment of fruits I like and vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce.  Maybe some slight compromise but I would sign off on that. Sure...

So, why talking of interventions?  Mostly because it popped into my head as I was going back over this post and realized I kind of go in and out of topic on this one.  Shocking, I know, but I'm easily distracted and can (read WILL) make bad decisions.  Lately it's mostly around money.  But that, in and of itself, doesn't mean I need to be saved, right?  So what does it take to get saved?  In regards to me?

Ending up in a corner and having no one to go to becuase I need to find the right way of spinning this.  And that is kind of what I am doing here.  I'm testing my angles and possible results. I am always able to get around things without taking responsibility.  At 36....I am not a responsible adult.  And I tend to find myself in really bad situations. But I never go into them with the thought that I should probably run this through someone else or to ask questions that I never think of until after the fact or if someone asks if I thought to ask.  I'm rubbish with things like that.  Maybe because I just assume everything will take care of itself.  But this time, I don't think there is going to be a saving.

I have managed to get myself so far into debt that I'm not going to be able to buy a can of soda until closer to November.  And while I do exaggerate many times, this time is not me exaggerating.  This was all as a result of poor decisions on my part.  I do this all the time.  And I usually get by because I ask for help.  But not this time, because there is no one left to ask.  I have sucked my sources dry.  And even if I hadn't abused them, I would still have to learn my lesson somehow.  And now is as good of time as any.

So, I know I'm resourceful and I can do problem solving and I've already started that.  I have started on the plan of action and I'm going to try to figure out ways to cut money. Some of that means that the loans I have with people (which I am eternally grateful for) are going to go unpaid for a few months.  This is unfair of me and I'm going to make apologies (not promises) and explain to them what I am going to be able to do in the future.

This is a good opportunity for me to recreate my lifestyle into one that is more realistic.  No more Starbucks and no more soda's from the cafeteria (or anywhere really). I'm going to become a pro at grocery shopping and keeping or coming under my budget.  Going places that would 1) allow me to spend money or 2)is not necessary to my budget is going to be cut.  Thus, hopefully, cutting down on my gas budget.  I have so much money budgeted a month for gas and groceries and its going to be interesting to see what I can return to the account for the next month's allocations.  I see this as an adventure not a burden.  Or at least that is how I see it for now.  Give me a weekend (that's about all I have left of soda) and I'll be literally screaming because I'm going through caffeine withdraw.

So, let's hope I learn my lesson and see this as an opportunity to literally change my way of thinking. I'm going to either get this right in my head and have a real life changing moment or I'm going to struggle for the next 6 months and end up alienating friends, family, all my friends on FB and those horrible people at work (their not horrible....maybe this life altering situation will change them in my eyes....I'm not holding out hope) because I have worn out my welcome and they want me to stay at my house and they'll come see me when I have come to my senses.

If you feel like giving me an intervention, my schedule is pretty wide open but don't let that fool you.  I'm sure I'm going to need to start taking reservations before too long.  And there will only be a $20 reservation fee....so book soon.

Money Management

Do you know how many of my problems would be solved by having money? Pretty much all of them, that's how many.

I'm pretty sure I'll never have enough money that would allow me to just go to Target and shop and not bother looking at the total.  I used to do that and is probably (maybe) be the reason I'm not as financially secure as I'd like.

I've given into the power that money has over me.  It has a strong hold on my life.  So I'm trying to do something different.  I've given control to another person.  They are managing my money for me.  Now, I have total control of my money but I have to run things through this person so that I have permission to spend the money.  This is an interesting situation to be in because I 1) know that I need someone to do this for me because I just do not have the ability to stop, even when I know I do not have the money and 2)It takes a lot of control away from me and I'm a huge control freak.  So I find myself trying to slip things in with the thought that I wouldn't need to bother this person for $4 at QuikTrip.  When, in reality, I still have to sit with that person each week and they'll see what I've spent.  It's starting to work though.

I'm not sure how this happened; the dire straits with money.  I make really good money and on paper I've got a lot of disposable income.  I should be able to go to Target and drop $20 or $30 without sweating. It would be nice to be able to go out to dinner any random night.  I could actually go out with my friends when they ask.

Instead, I'm taking cash out for specific items (cash and groceries) and then not using my debit card for anything else that isn't budgeted for.  The reasoning behind this is that any "extra" money I have at the end of 2 weeks goes into savings.  And my goal is to have 4 - 6 months of income in the savings account so I have an emergency fund.

But this is REALLY difficult for me.  I honestly don't think I would go a day without spending some amount of money.  I really can not think of one time in the last several months.  So now, it's kind of a test to see how long I can go.  I've gone 3 days so far...that means no debit card and no cash.  That's a huge accomplishment for me.  I was struggling from the constant need to be careful that I "lapsed" and bought something just to smell the receipt that they gave me.  Kind of a rush to spend that $1.48 for a soda.

I think there is a 12 step program for these types of issues.  I might have to start looking to add more meetings to my week nights.

My History with Cars

I come from a long line of poor choice vehicles.  My parents have a knack for buying cars that are not the most durable or reliant.  I come by it honestly.

I bought my first car when I was 16 and it was a POS (piece of sh@t).  But it got me through my high school career and my first year or two of college.  Let me rephrase that, it got me through my first 2 years of being in Kansas.  I wasn't a college student for very long so I can't claim it as a career.

I bought a car when I was 23 and it was great!  It was newer, I took care of it, I loved it.  But I make a lot of rash decisions in my life.  Not just with cars but with other things too.  I want, when I want it, and how I want it.  And be dammed if you don't give me what I want.  And I've improved over the years!


Then I married a man that will research the hell out of EVERYTHING....so I couldn't just buy something.  But I was definitely able to manipulate the situation.  So really I had someone to blame when anything went wrong.  But I found that the Kennedy curse did not transfer ownership when I changed my name.  The ex was good luck. We had a couple cars and no issues with any of them.  He still has a truck that is over 12 years old and it's in pretty good shape.

As soon as the divorce was final, I decided that I needed a new car. New car, new start.  Well, the Kennedy Curse was back and she bitch slapped me.  I was on our classifieds website at work and just going through, killing time.  I pulled up this posting for a Land Rover Freelander.

Let me pause here and explain that I have wanted a Range Rover since I can remember.  The 95-99 era one.  Once it went into 2000 the body style went a little soft.  They were rounded edges and slanting.  The older version were boxy. Which is what I loved.  And I have to admit that the prestige of having a Range Rover was there too.  But I'm a realist and know that I will never have one.

So I thought the Freelander would probably be the closest to a Range Rover I would get.  Now, I did not need a car.  I had a perfectly (PERFECTLY FREE) car. It was really good shape, great mileage and no car payment.  But the minute, and I mean minute, I saw the Land Rover, I wanted it.  No...needed it.  I HAD to have it.  This is the impulsive nature of me.  I really need to run these types of things through people.

That was on Tuesday, I took possession of it on Friday.  I did not once actually see the car or ask any questions.  I did not know what type of gas it needed or when the last oil change was.  I had no idea if it actually had a motor. But I walked to the credit union at work on Wednesday and I got the check on Friday morning.  I followed the guy home and then we drove back to my place.  I had a Land Rover.

I had the car exactly 2 weeks when I had my first EVER accident.  It was totally my fault and insurance wanted to total it.  So, instead of asking people their opinion or what the ramifications would be, I opted to repair it.  I could have walked away with a little more then the car was worth and tried to find another car.  But I chose to fix.  Now I didn't know or even ask what that means.  When you total a car and then repair?  That makes it a salvage title.  I immediately lost all value of the car.  I could maybe be a grand for it.  I didn't realize this.

So I repaired it.  Took almost 2 weeks and I was paying for a rental car during this time.  Luckily the body shop cut me a pretty good deal and had enough to cover the rental car.  So I really learned nothing. I had to get it reregistered and found out how difficult it was to do that so I did kind of learn to not do that but only because it was a pain in the ass to get the DMV to do their part.

About 2 months later someone hit me in the parking lot.  Not my fault for a change but it was hit in the exact same place as my original accident.  That was another 2 weeks and this time I ended up paying for the rental car in total.  That was over $300 that I didn't have.

This is when the wheels start falling off.

I had to rewire the whole back end because something happened and the mechanic I used was incompetent with Land Rover vehicles and took me to the cleaner.  Not only did the back end need to be wired but the timing belt and some other belt needed to be replaced.  That set me back $5K.  Luckily my ex had just paid me my settlement for the house.  Again, God was covering for me a bit. But still....$5 frickin' K.

Then an oil change there was $75.  I quickly decided to not use that mechanic anymore.  But the dealership was less then helpful.  They actually told me to just buy a new Land Rover - the Discovery model because the Freelander was the throw away model.  Crap....

I drove around with my Check Engine light on for over 18 months.  It never exploded but it would do strange things sometimes.  Wouldn't start but nothing was wrong with the ignition.  It was actually a short in the dashboard and steering column. Awesome.

So back in April I had knee surgery.  This has nothing to do with the car issues really but I was home that week and I decided that I wanted to look at the Cubes.  I had not really seen them. I think I passed one or two in 6 months maybe.  But for some reason I choose to go check it out.  And I knew I had a ace in the hole because I took the ex with me.  Kind of give me some good luck.

But I had ZERO intent to purchase a new car.  I swear by that.

After the test drive and talking numbers I was kind of inclined to buy a new car.  Money-wise they could meet my payment and it was a really cool car that I decided I HAD to have.  And my ex talked me through it.  Asking me if I could really afford it, looked under the hood and asked all the mechanical questions.

But what nailed it for me was that they gave me $2,500 for the Freelander.  I actually feel a little guilty for taking advantage of them but they offered and I immediately said to start the paperwork.  My ex took me aside and asked me if I understood what was happening and God Bless him...I knew what I was doing.  I was buying a new life.  He wouldn't understand that but I did.

So now I have a Nissan Cube.  This is not a Land Rover, not even close.  It's a boxy/rounded car...sounds weird, I know.

But I did a change in mentality.  I don't want a Range Rover anymore.  The Land Rover gave me an image.  And I was totally Johnson County snob.  You could not touch this...but the Cube is a different mentality.  It's the kind of car that tells people that I'm approachable.  I get to do things a little different because I am allowed to be "eccentric" in such a weird car.  Maybe I'm not explaining this right but it boils down to this.  I want to be free spirited. I want to wear tennis shoes with dresses.  I want to try to be artistic (or at least crafty).  I want people to ask me about my car and I get to show it off.  I guess it goes back to that wanting to be unique.  I am unique now.  And I feel like I can try to be someone that I never thought I could get away with.  I can put patterns together on outfits.  I can have mismatching furniture.  I can go to thrift shops and repurpose things.  I can just do things differently then I thought I had to do them.  This is a whole new world for me.  I feel like I have permission to do things differently then I used to do them.  I was kind of in a rut.  I did the same things, over and over again because that was just how I always did them. I was suffocating.

This car changed my life because I have decided that I am no longer the person that I thought I was always going to be.  Do you know how freeing that is?  For me it was a complete change to my mentality.  I still do stupid shit.  But now I give myself permission to try different things.  And be OK with the results.  I can make mistakes and not beat myself half to death. This enables me to breathe.  I don't think I ever took a full and deep breathe before. I was constantly trying to take air in but never really filled my lungs.  I take deep breathes all the time now.  I feel energized.

And all because of a weird looking car!

The license plate is left over from the Land Rover and was taken off after I incurred a scratch so bad on the back passenger door; cost me $426 to repair.  And I had only had it 6 days.  Lousy Jinxed license plate was replaced.  It was only $3 to do that.  Should have done that before the scratch!

Pinching Pennies

I keep thinking someone is going to sweep in and save me. From what you ask? Myself. Because on my own, I can talk my way out of anything. I can justify this food, that purse, oh my...those shoes...
believe me, I can tell myself anything and I'm pretty good about telling YOU why I have to have these things.  What I'm even better at is hiding these things.  I have this nagging voice in my head all the time but I have strangled that person so much that I barely hear a peep out of her.  I also talk loud so I can talk over that voice.  It's pretty sad that I'm abusive to even the voices in my head.  It's a wonder they haven't stopped talking to me already.
So I have credit card debt, I'm 30 pounds over weight and I have projects out the ass that I just assume someone is going to fix for me.

It’s come to this about money…I am fat ass broke…I have a couple of outstanding bills that I have to come up with in the next month and I don’t have it all. I’m going to have to borrow money from my mom, which is embarrassing because I’m going to be 36 and I owe my mom some major money. And I have started to do what I can about the credit card debt. I am being proactive about it. It means I’m going to have to cut WAY back on things. No weekly trips to the thrift shops. No Starbuck’s every day. I’m going to use the library and my Netflix for entertainment. No more eating out all the time. It means planning meals and lists when I go to the grocery store. All things I was not doing. So, no wonder I’m in debt

I bought this little magazine/book that was by the registers at the grocery store about getting out of debt. I do not argue the fact that it was 1) an impulse purchase which is what I struggle with 2) that I spent money on a book that tries to tell me to not spend money and 3) I barely read it at the time. But I picked it up the other day and read it and saw all the signs that they listed as someone who is an impulse shopper. Maybe even a shopaholic. And I don’t mean that to be funny. I really do think I have a shopping addiction. I feel great when I buy something. It gives me a buzz. Look how cute this is, I know exactly where I’m going to put that, Oh, that would be a great gift for someone….These are all excuses that I use in my head. And I know people are constantly amazed at how often I have bought thing. Most people have been too nice to say anything and so I continue to do it. But I have a few people saying things and I’m starting to listen. It’s just like with my drinking. I never see that I have a problem until someone points it out to me. Then it becomes glaringly obvious. And I get angry because I lie to myself about these things. When I’m “caught” I can no longer ignore the misgivings I had in the back of my head already. I’m very good about tuning my head out. Because I don’t want to deal with things or can’t handle that I’m not in control. Which is the case most of the time. I want to control everything but I’m willing to let things happen as they should but really that’s me being lazy.

One part in the book that grabbed my attention and hence this mad scramble to make things right; is if you think someone is going to come in and save you so you don’t have to do deal with any of these issues now, then you might have a problem. I totally think that. . It’s going to take a few months to get to a point where I’ve got some fun money but even then I’m going to have to be really smart with my money because I’m not going to meet a millionaire who is going to just pay everything off and I’m going to be sitting in the lap of luxury. I’m always sure that I’ll get out of this somehow because I can’t do this on my own. Well, like I stated above, I’m going to be 36…it’s time for me to be an adult. I’m single with no prospects on the horizon to get involved with someone and possibly get married any time soon, so it’s up to me to handle my shit. And so that is where I am right now.

I have to consolidate my debt and make monthly payments. It means I’ll be out of debt in 21 months. Which is about 1/8 of what it would take if I just did minimum payments. This means a pretty hefty amount of money I pay them in one chunk for all my credit cards.  I tried a few different options to get this taken care of. I didn't have enough debt for one option.  They actually told me that if I could rack up a little more debt, then they could give me lower rates with a settlement.  I really don't want to settle the accounts for less then I owe. That really reflects negatively on my credit report.  But what I'm going to be doing is paying all of it off , minus interest, and closing the accounts.  Which still reflects negatively on my credit report.  But it's not an option to get more debt at this point so I'm settling for the most expensive option of the consolidation but it kind

But also, I am so low on cash for the next two months that I can’t do anything extra outside of my regular bills. This is my first test.  I'm only going to use cash for things.  Even gas, which is going to be hard. I don't like having to walk into the convenience store to put money on a pump. I think it is trashy because people can't use their cards but have to get all their cash together and can only do so much gas. You know, I can only afford 5 dollars so I'll put that on pump 6 and then only get to drive around so much.  But that's my prejudice talking there.  I am now going to be that person because I can't afford to just keep my debit card in my purse because I'll fill up the tank and while it's pumping away, I'll go in and get a soda and maybe a hot dog/chocolate/ice cream.  That's another $4 or $5 that I don't need but also can't afford.  So it means I'm a cash person.  God willing, I won't get mugged with all the cash I'm going to start carrying around.
For now, I’m focusing on the money, because the money is more urgent then my need to lose 30 pounds. If I can’t get this money thing under control, then I’ll lose weight after all. If I can’t afford more than Ramen, I’m going to get some of this fat off! :)

So, my life as the social butterfly is coming to an end. This isn’t a bad thing. It’s time that I find the level of social status that fits my budget. So, to all my friends and family out there...if I say no to an invite...it's not you, it's me!  And I'm not just saying that because I don't want to visit you...I have the budget to think about.