Big ass spider

There is a big ass spider outside my door.  I am PETRIFIED of spiders.  You will never see someone move so fast then when I see a spider.  I'll throw little children in front of me if I have to.  That shit ain't cool.  And they have to die.  No catch and release....fuckers should be smashed flat.  And I really do not like the idea of spider gunk on any surface and I'm not willing to pick up dead spiders any more then live ones.  But they have to die other wise they'll come back and bring the angry black spider with them to finish the fight.

But I digress...the one outside my door is one of those garden spiders that are freakishly big but everyone says they are great for bugs. And I have to agree. My front door has no bugs...just a big ass spider.  And the spider is just big enough where I'm starting to feel bad about the way I'm plotting it's death.

It started over on the right side of the building, right outside my neighbor's door.  It was looking over the "patio" we have and I was able to angle my way under it, whining like a baby the whole time.  Then we had that really big storm last Friday and it's web was destroyed.  Not only was it a cool storm but it erased my enemy. I was jolly on Saturday morning.    Then I got home from my activities on Saturday and the bitch had moved to my side of the entrance and was at face level now.  It was between the building and the bushes.  Right about perfect for a sneak attack.

So I've been trying to think of a way to eliminate this issue without it jumping on me, running up my arm and spinning cob webs between my eye balls (SHIVER....that just grossed me out writing that).....mom told me to swat it with a broom but I told her that it would just jump up and run up the handle and jump on me.  Now, you may see a theme.  I always think these things are going to jump on me.  Hence they have to die.  And even after dying they could come back as zombie spiders and jump on me.  It's the jumping that gets me.  But it's now big enough that I'm thinking it has a personality and maybe family on the other side of the building.  It's trying to be a grown up spider and do things on it's own.  It dreams of dancing on stage for other bugs to see....

So killing it, for me is becoming more of an issue because I don't want to kill Charlotte.  I bet someone thinks it's beautiful and worth living.  But now there is a flaw in this plan because it's got a big ass all of a sudden and that can not mean good things.  If that bitch pops and thousands of baby spiders come crawling out of her...Oh My God....I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

I'm either going to hole up in my apartment til the first frost or I'm moving.  Neither of which are going to work for my schedule.

I've got to come up with a way to kill this thing before I go insane over the thought of baby spiders crawling up my apartment wall, wiggling under the air conditioner and then jumping on me...

Crap, now all I can think of is spiders.  I'll be scanning the rooms in my apartment every few minutes and any time I feel like something is crawling on me I'll be freaking out.  I'm going to end up not sleeping and spraying the hell out of this fat ass spider, hoping it'll die without screaming (cause I can hear it screaming like the wicked witch of the west) or jumping on me.

Do exterminators make death calls?