Why can't he be the one?

I have only been dating in the last 3 months or so. And that is pushing it by calling it "dating".

I made the conscious choice to stop being involved with my ex on May 17th.  I know this is weird that I know dates but maybe it's my OCD or something but I remember dates.  I think it's important to remember things although the things I remember are kind of all about one person.  I know the date we met. The day we kissed for the first time. The day we decided to get married.  The day I stopped trying to get pregnant. I remember the date I told my Dad to "F" off, I had about a bottle of raspberry vodka and it was around 12:30 in the afternoon. We started drinking at 12:00, and when I say we, I really mean me.  I don't remember after about 3pm.  I remember the day we bought the house.  The date he told me he wasn't in love with me. The date he asked for the divorce.  The day I checked into the hospital.  The day I got sober.  The day I "got" God.  And the date I broke up with my ex.  May 17th.  And that was May 17th...3 years after he asked for the divorce.  I guess I'm a slow learner.

It was a few days after the 17th that I was asked out on my first real date in almost 3 years.  And I barely knew the guy.  I thought that this was God's design because I just expressed my desire to the universe to find "the one", so I jumped right in. I quickly became enamored.  This guy was nothing like the ex.  I mean, nothing. He was confident. He was manly (not to say the ex wasn't manly but not like this guy). The Boss (my nickname for him) was sure of himself. He didn't take any crap, he gave it.  And I couldn't get away with anything.  I'd try to manipulate the situation and he'd quickly stop that crap.  He deamaned attention.  Nothing was off topic and he told me what we were going to do.  We talked for hours every night for about 3 weeks.  One of those nights he made me go downstairs and watch TV at the same time we were on the phone. I watched 2 hours of TV while talking about it on the phone.  I would try to evade a question and he would keep asking me about it.  He wanted to know everything.  When I laugh, I sometimes snort.  "Did you just snort?"  He laughed his ass off. That was honestly the sexiest man I have ever met. I wanted to rip his clothes off.  He was all the things I thought I wanted in a guy.

I'm kind of bossy.  Yeah, I know...you know that already.  I also get a little pushy...shocking...I am definitely a "driver" personality.  I'm the aggressive one. Always have been.  I don't get a lot of guys that stand up to me and demand that I do what they want.  I'm not sure I've ever had that before The Boss.  Because I tend to be aggressive I get the "whatever you want to do" answer.  I hate this because I feel like I make decisions all the time and I'd give anything for someone to make a decision once in awhile.  I could handle doing what someone else wants to do if it meant I just had to say "yes sir"...which The Boss never made me do....just to clarify.

So, because I am not meant to be with anyone anytime soon, The Boss moved on.  And I was devastated.  I'm not really sure what happened but we stopped talking.  I didn't hear from him for a week and I tried to reconcile but nothing.  I took the high road and unfriended him on Facebook. But this one hurt.  A couple of people expressed their concern with him before the end but I still don't see what the bad parts where.  He was what I wanted...

So this one has stuck.  I think about him occassionally (OK, more then occasionally).  I wonder what happened and maybe that is why I still hold a torch for him.  Because I don't know what went wrong. He just walked away.  And all the guys after him have been lacking in comparison to him.

I had one that I thought was a really good prospect if a bit cautious.  But we only did email because the 1st phone call went until 1am.  And the 1st time we met , we stood around for 3 hours.  All too long for this guy.  Not bad too long but he said it would be easier to just email each other so it wouldn't take so long.  After two weeks of emailing dozens of times a day, he just stopped emailing me.  He told me I was vivacious and that I was too aggressive for him.  I honestly think he was not ready to be in a relationship.  But maybe that's my ego talking.

In between then and now, I've gone on a few first dates but nothing more then that until this last one.  He is a really nice guy. Smart, funny, great friend material.  But he got involved.  He got all sorts of wrapped up in me and my personality.  He actually told me he adored me as I was trying to tell him I wasn't interested in the nicest way possible.  Poor guy even told me that I could call him if anything changed.  I could just stick with this one.  He would be a great boyfriend if there was any kind of connection on my part.  But again...he's not The Boss.  Not even close.

So I have made the decision to stop dating.  No more dating services.  No trolling Facebook applications.  I'm just done.  Because I'm not sure I even know what I want anymore.  Just saying the opposite of the ex doesn't really give me a lot of material.  And I don't want to be a serial dater.

But I have to ask, why can't this just happen?  Naturally?  I don't go to bars, so I know that cuts the options available to me down.  But how else am I supposed to meet them?  Friend of a friend?  I don't have a lot of friends...and in my age range?  Most are still married.  And I really don't want someone older then 40 or even 41.  But I'm also not getting any younger and my only option is younger guys. I married a younger guy and it was not really successful, obviously.  Not that that should mean all younger guys are not for me.  It really does come down to personality.

This all takes a lot of thought on my part and I'm tired of it.  So, no actively looking for dates.  If it's going to happen, it's going to happen without me having a hand in it.

A friend that does a blog just put together her list of what she wants in a man and I found it surprisingly fresh.  I have a list but I want to add some of her's to mine.  So expect another post so you can see what kind of demands I have for a guy, to be in a relationship.

Clear away the cobwebs

My dating life is becoming a war zone.  I move from one guy to the next. I never wanted to be a serial dater. I'm not in this for all the free food or movies.  The first date or two are actually my least favorite.  No one likes to get gussy'd up every Friday and Saturday.  I mean, maybe I just don't.  I'd love to find that one person and not keep going on first or second dates.  I spoke to my friend in California and she thinks I'm picky. And I know R.D. thinks I'm certifiable. But I can't help but think that I can do better then the last couple.

I mean, I don't think I"m asking too much. I think I'm being quite reasonable.  Maybe it's the dating site?  Or maybe the guy just doesn't come clean with everything?  It's all their fault...not mine.

The one that made me want to rip his clothes off was probably going to end up being a little controlling or abusive. But that's the one that I keep thinking about.  He told me what we were doing.  What dinner I was going to make.  What time I was supposed to be somewhere.  THAT was a huge turn on. I'm a planner person and I make plans.  It was such a treat to be told when to do something.  Which may have sounded like he was controlling. And he drank...not just drank but DRANK.  He even brought 3 beers with him for our last date.  He even knew I was in the program and didn't drink.  But I didn't think anything about it. I actually was proud of myself that I was able to fetch him a beer and pop the top without even thinking about it....hmmm...I might have to rethink this last sentence....

Not that it matters, he stopped talking to be after a month. I'm not altogether sure what happened but I unfriended him on Facebook and I regret it.  I really liked how he made me feel.  But things happen for a reason.

The one after him was so cautious that it was maddening.  He wouldn't call me because it would probably be a long conversation so he'll just email me.  And we met once but since that lasted a long time too, he thought email was just the best way to talk.  And my personality was hyper and he wasn't sure if I wouldn't turn out to be like an ex girlfriend. So he stopped talking to me too.  Didn't actually say "Hey, I'm a knob and am not going to call you anymore because I'm pretty sure I want to stay single"

There were a couple more in there for random first dates.  One had a late teen daughter that just had a kid.  This guy was my age and I'm 35!!  Which wouldn't be bad but he kept going on about the baby daddy wanting to move in with him and his daughter but because he didn't have a job that was no way to be a man. Never mind that she's 18 and had a baby...I mean he was 16 when he had his daughter so waiting 2 years is an improvement.  DRAMA!!!!

The next said he was 5'9" but I swear he was shorter then me and he thought it was a big deal that the people that owned the house were he rented a room would let us use the living room TV if I came over....yeah, that one didn't make a TV date...shame because he drove a mini-van too...pure sex.

The one this last week had some potential but still ended up freaking me out. He was pretty nice and funny.  He was absolutely enthralled with me.  I couldn't do anything wrong.  He brought flowers (I was impressed with that) but he wore shorts and sandals.  This was a pretty posh restaurant; took reservations, which may not mean as much to him as much as it did to me. And he had a pointy head.  Seriously pointy.  Like Conehead bad.  And it was all I could do not to stare at it that night.  And he was over the top about stuff.  Played my favorite band, played a couple of their love songs.  As I was trying to ignore his attempts to whoo me with the songs; I would try to talk over them and he kept turning them up.  Over the top....Saturday we went to an antique mall downtown KC, MO and he spent the whole 3 hours following me around.  Asking me if I liked this trinket or that throw pillow.  Again, all things that probably should happen but it felt like he would throw his grandma under a bus if he thought it would impress me.Even when I ended it, he told me that I could call or hang out if I changed my mind or just were bored.  I felt kind of bad about that one but I think I can do better.

And that is the rub.  I always think I can do better.  And I have to ask if that's really the case.  Because I'm holding out for that one guy.  THE ONE....and I think I should have that but maybe I'm not being realistic.

How do I get the ones that would do anything for me but are normal? Or at least make me feel like this is natural?  Am I asking too much to be introduced to someone and it just happens naturally?  I shouldn't have to troll the dating sites looking for a picture that is a good representation of what that person actually looks like.  The height that they put is correct.  That they "do drink socially" and mean it.  And if they do have kids, that they don't want more.  Because I think I've exhausted the 2 guys on Plenty of Fish that don't want kids and don't have any.

So here's the story about dating - Part 1

So dating…I have a lot of practice with this but not a lot of experience. I have gone on 3 dates with one guy but only first dates with others. I take that back, I went on a 2nd date with a guy but it was about 2 months between the 1st and the 2nd one so I don’t know that that counts. I haven’t really dated for about 3 years. That’s the amount of time between my divorce and now. I spent the first couple of months trying to find ANYONE to give me some kind of acceptance. Please….just throw me a bone, wouldja? I signed up for every dating service. I went to bars on a regular basis (which is a whole different story). I couldn't work hard enough to get attention. Surprisingly, I got nothing…which is good because I had this terrible fear that these men were going to get to know me and realize what a loser I really was. So it took constant vigilance on my part to keep these men at an arm’s length away. Something of a talent, I think.

So you might ask, “Why am I dating”? Because I’m ready. I truly do believe that I am in a place where I am ready to meet that one person that is going to be my partner in crime. I really do believe that. And I have spent the last 3 years getting to this point. The one guy that we did a first date and then 2 months later did a 2nd date? I stopped talking to him because I really wasn’t attracted to him and after 2 months I thought that that was superficial of me so I contacted him again. He was funny and smart and really nice. But physically, it wasn’t there. But I thought I’d try again. We got together for dinner and we then sat around my apartment, we were going to watch a movie. Well, that’s when Chuckles seemed to think it was at that point that he should go in for a kiss. I have to admit that, at this point in my life, I was not ready for anything intimate. But I hadn’t told him this nor had I really put a lot of thought around it. See, I thought I was ready. But when he leaned in for the kiss…..I panicked and I ran to the kitchen. Literally…I panicked and I ran to the kitchen. Where I promptly tried to act like nothing had happened and we were just talking with a wall between us. I know that I botched the date up at that point and that was the last guy I went on a date with for the next year. I just knew that it wasn’t time for that.

Fast forward to today and I suddenly feel ready to sow my wild oats. But first…I had some unfinished business. I was still hanging onto the ex. We were “friends”. We hung out, watched movies, and went on bike rides, dinner, etc…it was like we were dating but not married anymore. Free to come and go as we choose but no commitment. This has been going on for the 3 years I’ve been divorced. I know that I held out hope that we would get back together. I did everything in my power to give him what he wanted, hoping that he would want me back. But I had already done the damage. Although I changed, his opinion of me didn’t change as much as I had. So I never really had a chance.

May 5, 2007 is the day I became damaged goods. And it took me exactly 3 years to move past that. In the past, I had actually said to people that I think I would die if I were to cut the ex out of my life. Like I would literally die if I stopped talking to him. At the time, I didn’t even see how crazy that was. Those in my life were so patient with me…I’m sure they were all so tired of hearing me go on and on about how I was never going to get over him. I was never going to be loved like that again. That I don’t deserve to have a 2nd chance with him….on and on and on….towards the end even I was tired of me saying it. But I felt powerless (not the first time or situation where I feel powerless) to stop the actions that I was doing with my ex. I felt that I had to follow this to the end. So it ended…my way (small amount of satisfaction on my part) on May 17, 2010. That is over 3 years (by like 12 days but who’s counting?) from when he asked for the divorce. I was suspended in this world in my head where I lived around and for my ex. I was trying so hard to move on and show him how I was going to be better off without him; that I never really moved on. I was stagnant…I felt like I had missed out on so many things. But in reality…it took me the exact amount of time that I needed to get through that. Towards the end, I actually had remind myself to act as though he was the only option I had. I had gotten so tired of the way things were between us but I still felt like I had to follow it to the end. I was supposed to go through all of that in order to move on.

The past 3 years have been HUGE in my life. And I say that because I have a life now that I never had before the divorce or even before the marriage. I say I became damaged goods after the divorce but in reality I was damaged from very early on. Not to use as an excuse, but rather to set the stage. I was broken and never really whole until lately. And that is only because I have worked my ass off to get to this place. I’ve done the cliché “finding myself” and I, at first, did not like what I found. I did not like the person I was before I got married, while I was married and after I was first divorced. My character defects are a mile long but they were glaringly bad before the divorce. And now, I see where my part was in the marriage failing. And it’s a pretty large part. But these character defects are things I DO have control over. These are the things that I don’t like and I don’t have to be like that. That is a big deal. I was one of those black & white people. Either it was or it wasn’t. No grey area. I had no color in my life. I was constantly in the dark. And I had to work really hard to come away from that dark area.

So…why the post? Because I’ve come to the realization that I have no control over this situation and that I never did. I know that God had his arms wrapped around me good and tight for these last 3 years. I’ve gone through a lot of things and I’ve come out on the other side. Maybe not perfect, but intact, sane, happier then I have ever been and smelling pretty good. To me, that means God has something more in mind for me. I just have to be patient. So…the saying “Just when you give up looking, that’s when you’ll find the one”…I’m trying to find a way to trick my brain into that mode. Because I’m willing…and I’m really good at stop thinking about something. It’s the staying stopped. That sums up a lot of my issues….stay stopped!

Next installment? Dating services stories and how I’m trying to narrow my requirements down to a few simple sentences. Which, from this post, is obvious I will have trouble doing.

Willingness to be humble

I find my life funny sometimes. I spend an enormous amount of time plotting and scheming to get things to go my way. They, of course, do not go the way I want them to go so I get pissy. I get to thinking really nasty thoughts about how things are crappy and nothing is ever going to go my way. And then, poof, I get what I needed. Not what I wanted, but what I needed. God knows what I need better than I do. Which is interesting because I'm pretty sure I know what I need...Guess I need to give the big guy some credit because I've got a pretty good life. There is not a lot that I would change with my life. Maybe be less stupid with my money...maybe be better about cleaning my house...maybe be more open to new things. All stuff that I have control over and are the first things to go when I get overwhelmed. Maybe that's something I need to work on?

I have decided to do art. Now, I say that because I have spent the first 35 years of my life telling people I have no creativity or talent. I truly believe that but lately I've just decided that it's OK if I try something and it doesn't work. It's OK to have an idea and it to end up looking stupid or failing. I don't have to tell people what I'm working on. I just can show the end result. So, I'm taking things slow. I have, of course, spent several hundred dollars already on getting the perfect workbench created and painted. I have spent hours and lots of dollars going over the supplies that I think I need. I have organized the whole thing (which is really satisfying). Now I just have to do....I have a notebook with ideas...I just need to do....and I want to make sure that they are unique things. I don't want to copy people's stuff but I want to do things that are attractive to me and that means looking at other people's stuff...

Dating? Well, let's just say that I'm out there and not really loving it. I went with a guy for about a month and then he went cold. So I guess that one was over. Now I'm talking to a couple different people and some are promising (one in particular). But I can't help but compare to others that I find attractive. I don't want to tear any of these guys clothes off. And that is what I think I have been missing most of my life. The passion. Maybe it can grow in a relationship. It doesn't need to be there in the beginning?!