I used to coexist in my life. I had one life at work where people didn't ask me how I was or what I did that weekend. This is because I never asked anyone else. I really didn't care. I came to work to do my job so I can get paid. This is a very simple equation...but people like to make it difficult. They throw in their personalities, their kids, their houses, the in-laws, etc... All things I could have gived a shit about. That was kind of my motto about anything I didn't want to know or have to deal with..."I could give a shit".
Now, this does not make me popular at work. And I used to not care about that. But when I went through the divorce and changed my name...people asked me if I was getting married. Most people had no idea I had been married. People had no idea that I had dogs that were my "children". Some didn't even know that I was actually born, not forged in hell's fiery bowels.
I was definitely known as a bitch at work. No small talk, let's get this shit done so I can go back to my office and get other shit done.
My other life was not any better. I was married but barely. We never talked. He would be gone during the week and then, when he got home, I wanted to spend every waking moment with him and to go out and do things. Well, my ex is a homebody...to the nth degree...his philosophy was that if the restaurant didn't have drive through, he didn't need to eat it. Can you see how frustrating that can be? And then add on top of that the crashing down of the life I had because of our incapability. I'll call it that for lack of the will to tell the whole story. Suffice to say, we were on a fast track to a divorce that I never saw coming. I should have because there were signs EVERYWHERE. Biggest one that should have shocked the sense into me was when he told me in October of 2006 that he didn't think he was in love with me anymore. THAT should have been a clue. But in my head I just put it away, didn't want to think about it.
So I started to have a couple of drinks during the week. He was gone most weeks so I could have a bottle or two of wine. Around this time I decided that I wanted to become an expert in wine. Really, I just wanted to drink. I took wine tasting classes. Whoever came up with that was a GENIUS!!! We would try about 5 different wines and do a little noshing. Although I was disappointed that they weren't full glasses of wine. Just like 3 ounces. And you weren't supposed to chug them...sip and swish around in your mouth. Some even spit it out. WTF? I wasn't going to waste perfectly good wine. I may not have liked it but I for sure was going to drink it. That's alcohol abuse in my book.
And then...dom dom dom....my marriage ended. Calmly and amiable. Although I was dying inside. I had never, ever, ever, ever felt so much pain. And I've experienced pain. This was crushing. I don't know how I survived those first couple of months. But I drank. I pretty much drank every day for the next 6 months. There was a week in there were I had checked myself into Shawnee Mission Psych ward because I was just done. I was tired...and it wasn't because I hadn't slept, although that was another issue. I was just tired of being alive. I hurt so much and didn't know how to handle it....so I just didn't want to. I didn't want to handle it. And drinking numbed that for awhile but sometimes I would be sober and realize that I was still breathing but I didn't want to do that anymore either. I was just tired.
When I checked out of Shawnee Mission (which is a great program for people that need help), they put on my exit form that I needed to look into a 12 step program. WTF??? I had no idea where they got that from. I didn't drink that much and what had I said that tipped them off. Because I still don't know what I said to make them say that.
I have a habit of being honest with people. Sometimes a little bluntly (although that is improving). So I'm surprised when people tell me to stop calling them and go to a 12 step program. I was confused. But I started going in October of 2007. I stopped drinking in November of 2007 (the 6th to be exact). But my sobriety date is March 14, 2008. I have a huge resentment about that but it's appropriate. See, if I take my pills a certain way, I get high. And I told my sponsor that. She then "suggested" that I change my date and to stop taking my pills that way. All true and right. Still, I like that I'll have 3 years in November but really it's 3 years next March.
So now? It has been a hard almost 3 years. I don't know how I kept my job because for 2007 and 2008 I was probably home drunk in part of 2007 and crying and huddling under my covers in 2008 about 1/2 of the time. My boss is a great man and he took pity on me. Don't get me wrong. I did my job, sometimes from my bedroom. But I didn't excel like I had. But I still am not sure how I was able to keep my job. I'm so very grateful to my boss for that.
The first year of sobriety was actually pretty easy. I was not drinking, which I found easy to not do. I didn't crave a drink and (knock on wood) I still do not crave a drink. I spent most of the first year not talking in meetings. I listened. And I hated everyone and everything about the program. I didn't want to be there, I didn't like what they had to say, I was miserable so why do I need to stop drinking? But around my year mark, something happened. Because I was still fighting the reasoning around WHY I had to be there, I still thought that I could go and drink and it wouldn't be bad. They had taught me how to arm myself.
But I have to admit that I would never drink again and not feel some type of guilt, frustration and anger because I know better. I know that I'm an alcoholic. I know that deep down inside. And I know that I could lose everything if I drank. And that is because I have a life today that is so worth it that I am not willing to interrupt that.
People say that this program gave them their life back...I have to disagree, this program gave me a life. Because I was just surviving before. I was just going through the motions. I have a life that includes those people at work; asking them about their weekend and their kids. It includes actually responding back in the conversation with what I did for the weekend. I may never be BFF with people at work. But they know that I bought a new car. They know that my Milo is pretty much deaf. They know that I have tattoos. Maybe not really good friends but we're more then acquaintances.
And then there are my friends outside of work. I have great friends because of this program. Some in the program, some from before the divorce and the program. And then there are those that I am making independently from the program. Who would have thought that I could have friends? Real friends...ones that I ask for their opinion and get it and even sometimes I get to give my opinion and mean it. I actually care now. My "could give a shit" attitude? It's still there. And I have to fight it sometimes. But it does not define me.
For those of you out there that are in a 12 step program or know someone who is...keep coming back because it works if you work it.
meeting makers make it!
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