I have this tenuous relationship with God. I never used to believe in him and he always believed in me. It took me several years to come to God. But I wasn't really looking for him when I found him. I knew that there were things happening in my life that I could not explain as easily as I had in the past. I was starting to think things that I had never done in the past. All things that were pointing to the fact that, yes indeed, I was not the center of the universe.
And I was so desperate to find that connection. Cause being alone in the universe, when everyone else had this personal relationship? That was getting to be a source of jealousy. And I'm not sure that I necessarily believed in God right away. But I believed something was going on and that it was going to change my life. And I was so ready for that. I just didn't realize what that change was going to entail.
The day that I truly started to believe in God AND that I "gave myself" to him was August 3rd. I know that it seems odd to know the exact day but can you remember the day that God talked to you? I was 35 years old and had never believed in God. I had NEVER willingly gone to church. I don't remember ever going to a bible study class. I honestly do not know the bible stories that most kids are taught. I had zero desire to belong to a "cult". And most "Christians" were two faced liars and couldn't be trusted. They were sometimes worse then convicted felons. And they typically where the ones that I found were into freaky crap that most of us didn't do.
Not that some of that isn't true but it's not true for every Christian. The people in my church are truly some of the best people I have ever met. And I still find them a bit Cotton Candy Fluffy in their views but they are genuine in their faith and their need to help others.
God talks to me through music mostly. I'll be in a mood and then I'll hear a song or two that have special meaning, I know that someone is trying to tell me something. And that someone knew exactly what to do to get my attention. And that is what God did for me on August 2nd 2009. I had just vomited up a lot of resentment and guilt to someone, well before it was time to do that in my program. And it didn't make me feel better. On the way to a friends house, a song came on my iPod that reduced me further to tears. It was a song that I hadn't heard in months but was spot on with what I was feeling. It was a break up song that I had been avoiding because I still wasn't through mourning the divorce.
I got to my friends house and a couple of other friends where there. They all gave me crap for doing what I did and so just suck it up. But that afternoon they told me a story (totally off topic of my issue) that talked about visualizing putting someone in God's hands, to keep them safe because that person couldn't do it without him. And then asked why we couldn't put ourselves in God's hands because we can't do it alone. That made a huge impact on me.
Later that night I was in the bathroom straightening my hair and was really not thinking of anything else and a song came on that was, yet again, one that I had listened to nonstop for a month or so and dealt with breakup. I didn't think it was on my iPod anymore but it played and that was it. I put my brush down and just wept. I got it. He had finally gotten my attention. How could I deny that someone was out there and trying to talk to me. I literally got on my knees and said the only thing I could think of because I had never prayed before. I asked him to help me understand and that I don't stop believing the next day. Because I was just so sure that I would over think it and deny anything had happened.
The next day I called my friend Mary and told her what happened. She had me come over and I got on my knees again and truly asked God to reach to me as a child of his and to let me be open to him forever. Technically I think I said I would be a child of God until the end of day. I truly hope that I can keep that promise.
Now, I have a church that I go to every weekend. I've been in Bible studies. I volunteer my time. And people know me. They actually know my name and want to ask about me personally. How awesome is that? I don't know that I'm a Lutheran but that is the church that my friend Mary goes to and the one that has welcomed me with very WIDE open arms. And I was baptised for the first time in November of 2009. And I didn't erupt into flames!
But over all, I have become a Christian. I still get embarrassed about it sometimes. Not any big reason other then my scientific mind tells me that I know better then believing in something that had little reason based on facts. But that is what I used in the past to answer the questions I had about God and his role.
I'm going to leave you with my favorite passage. This is 100% what has happened to me. There is no other explanation as to why I am now a Christian and that I truly want to practice these principles in all my affairs (sound familiar to some of you? The program is based in God!!!).
Ezekiel 11:19-20 ( New King James Version is my favorite version of the verse).
"Then I will give them one heart, and I will put a new spirit within them and take the stony heart out of their flesh, and give them a heart of flesh, that they may walk in My statutes and keep My judgements and do them; and they shall be My people and I will be their God."
I was actually known as the Cold Hearted Bitch. I had no one close to my heart because I didn't have one. Some may argue that but I now know what it's like to have a heart of flesh and My God...I was totally shut off from the sunshine of the spirit.
But no more. My heart has been replaced. I am now a child of God and I am so blessed. How can you argue with that?
May God (your version is just as good as mine) bless you and keep you.
XOXO
Shan
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