Pinching Pennies

I keep thinking someone is going to sweep in and save me. From what you ask? Myself. Because on my own, I can talk my way out of anything. I can justify this food, that purse, oh my...those shoes...
believe me, I can tell myself anything and I'm pretty good about telling YOU why I have to have these things.  What I'm even better at is hiding these things.  I have this nagging voice in my head all the time but I have strangled that person so much that I barely hear a peep out of her.  I also talk loud so I can talk over that voice.  It's pretty sad that I'm abusive to even the voices in my head.  It's a wonder they haven't stopped talking to me already.
So I have credit card debt, I'm 30 pounds over weight and I have projects out the ass that I just assume someone is going to fix for me.

It’s come to this about money…I am fat ass broke…I have a couple of outstanding bills that I have to come up with in the next month and I don’t have it all. I’m going to have to borrow money from my mom, which is embarrassing because I’m going to be 36 and I owe my mom some major money. And I have started to do what I can about the credit card debt. I am being proactive about it. It means I’m going to have to cut WAY back on things. No weekly trips to the thrift shops. No Starbuck’s every day. I’m going to use the library and my Netflix for entertainment. No more eating out all the time. It means planning meals and lists when I go to the grocery store. All things I was not doing. So, no wonder I’m in debt

I bought this little magazine/book that was by the registers at the grocery store about getting out of debt. I do not argue the fact that it was 1) an impulse purchase which is what I struggle with 2) that I spent money on a book that tries to tell me to not spend money and 3) I barely read it at the time. But I picked it up the other day and read it and saw all the signs that they listed as someone who is an impulse shopper. Maybe even a shopaholic. And I don’t mean that to be funny. I really do think I have a shopping addiction. I feel great when I buy something. It gives me a buzz. Look how cute this is, I know exactly where I’m going to put that, Oh, that would be a great gift for someone….These are all excuses that I use in my head. And I know people are constantly amazed at how often I have bought thing. Most people have been too nice to say anything and so I continue to do it. But I have a few people saying things and I’m starting to listen. It’s just like with my drinking. I never see that I have a problem until someone points it out to me. Then it becomes glaringly obvious. And I get angry because I lie to myself about these things. When I’m “caught” I can no longer ignore the misgivings I had in the back of my head already. I’m very good about tuning my head out. Because I don’t want to deal with things or can’t handle that I’m not in control. Which is the case most of the time. I want to control everything but I’m willing to let things happen as they should but really that’s me being lazy.

One part in the book that grabbed my attention and hence this mad scramble to make things right; is if you think someone is going to come in and save you so you don’t have to do deal with any of these issues now, then you might have a problem. I totally think that. . It’s going to take a few months to get to a point where I’ve got some fun money but even then I’m going to have to be really smart with my money because I’m not going to meet a millionaire who is going to just pay everything off and I’m going to be sitting in the lap of luxury. I’m always sure that I’ll get out of this somehow because I can’t do this on my own. Well, like I stated above, I’m going to be 36…it’s time for me to be an adult. I’m single with no prospects on the horizon to get involved with someone and possibly get married any time soon, so it’s up to me to handle my shit. And so that is where I am right now.

I have to consolidate my debt and make monthly payments. It means I’ll be out of debt in 21 months. Which is about 1/8 of what it would take if I just did minimum payments. This means a pretty hefty amount of money I pay them in one chunk for all my credit cards.  I tried a few different options to get this taken care of. I didn't have enough debt for one option.  They actually told me that if I could rack up a little more debt, then they could give me lower rates with a settlement.  I really don't want to settle the accounts for less then I owe. That really reflects negatively on my credit report.  But what I'm going to be doing is paying all of it off , minus interest, and closing the accounts.  Which still reflects negatively on my credit report.  But it's not an option to get more debt at this point so I'm settling for the most expensive option of the consolidation but it kind

But also, I am so low on cash for the next two months that I can’t do anything extra outside of my regular bills. This is my first test.  I'm only going to use cash for things.  Even gas, which is going to be hard. I don't like having to walk into the convenience store to put money on a pump. I think it is trashy because people can't use their cards but have to get all their cash together and can only do so much gas. You know, I can only afford 5 dollars so I'll put that on pump 6 and then only get to drive around so much.  But that's my prejudice talking there.  I am now going to be that person because I can't afford to just keep my debit card in my purse because I'll fill up the tank and while it's pumping away, I'll go in and get a soda and maybe a hot dog/chocolate/ice cream.  That's another $4 or $5 that I don't need but also can't afford.  So it means I'm a cash person.  God willing, I won't get mugged with all the cash I'm going to start carrying around.
For now, I’m focusing on the money, because the money is more urgent then my need to lose 30 pounds. If I can’t get this money thing under control, then I’ll lose weight after all. If I can’t afford more than Ramen, I’m going to get some of this fat off! :)

So, my life as the social butterfly is coming to an end. This isn’t a bad thing. It’s time that I find the level of social status that fits my budget. So, to all my friends and family out there...if I say no to an invite...it's not you, it's me!  And I'm not just saying that because I don't want to visit you...I have the budget to think about.