Whenever I’m presented with something new, I feel the urge to name it. I’m not talking about giving it a whole new scientific name. Rather, a friendlier name. And this goes for people too. I’m not sure what the urge to name things comes from. Maybe my lack of friends growing up and so I feel like I have to create this intimacy between myself and this new thing. Making a connection that is unique. I have this terminal disease. I’m terminally unique. I totally want to be different than anyone else. I don’t want you to be like me because then I’m like everyone else and I have nothing really to make people want to be around me.
But this sometimes backfires on me when I find a name I like and I want to use it all the time. Like Sissy. My girl dog is Sammie but I typically call her Sissy. Mostly because my ex-husband didn’t like it and I liked needling him whenever possible. For that matter, I like needling most people. I think it’s the sarcastic side of me. I like poking fun because then they know that 1) I’m funny, 2) that I can figure people’s buttons and 3) that they know that I affectionately love to play with their emotions. All this sounded good in my head but on paper it looks like I mentally abuse those in my life….I guess I should discuss this with my therapist.
I know I’ve said this before but my dating life has been…well, spectacularly boring. I go through times when I’m having a lot of first dates (never more then 2) and then I have a really long dry spell. Right now, I’m going through a bountiful time. I have actually been on 3 dates with one guy (but didn’t go any further) and a lot of first dates too. There is another story in this that I’ll eventually get around to typing up but suffice it to say, I’m learning a lot about being rejected…and using dating services may not be the way to go…
But when I start talking to a guy, I need to name him. There was one guy that I was talking to that ABSOLUTELY needed to be renamed because he had the same name as my ex. Ironically…the most painful word in the world after the divorce was his name and I suddenly was surrounded with guys, all with that name. I swear it was God playing dirty…and it’s only taken 3 years to get over that.
Maybe it’s because I always wanted a nickname. I had one in high school, it was Ken-Ken. I loved that people called me Ken-Ken instead of Shannon. I think that is because I have never liked my name. I wanted to be a Molly or Maggie. I wanted to be a Katie…something shorter than their original name…hmmm…I never really thought about that but I really wanted a shorter name. I have always preferred to be called Shan. I have signed everything I think I’ve ever written with Shan. Even checks. I sign in websites with Shan Kennedy. But no one has ever really called me that. I finally said something to my Mom once about being called Shan and she now calls me Shan more. I think the need for a shorter name started because there was only 6 spots on tests and research forms for first name and so I was always Shanno…
But it goes for other people too. I’ve named one of my girlfriends “Pickle”. I love calling people pickle because it’s a line out of one of my favorite movies (Shaun of the Dead – “Hello Pickle!”). But because I’ve used it with one friend, I can’t use it with another. So I find myself running out of names. One friend told me her preference for a nickname and I am ALL OVER THAT!!! I’ll make a point of saying her name when we’re together. Because, if you think about it you don’t say a person’s name when you are with them. It’s typical for you to say “Hey, look at this” or “Dude, this is awesome” or maybe “Holy Shit you are hot” (that happens to me all the time!). But you very rarely say “Derek, I would like you to look at this. It is awesome. And yes, you can say I’m hot; as long as you call me Shan”.
I have to name objects too. Or at least assign them genders. My car is QBert but is a girl car. My old car was a man and was called Jinxed (long story behind that one). My alarm clock is a female; as is my computer. My couches are male and so is my workbench (that one is kind of obvious). But I don’t name every little thing…it’s just big things in my life.
People are given nicknames more than actual names. There’s been The Chief, Chuckles, Bear, Champ, Grumpy and Boss. I have to wonder if I name these people because I don’t want to deal with really knowing who they are. By calling them their name, I’m giving them power over me? Not like the Aboriginal tribe where taking their picture will take their soul away and hence their power. But that these people will actually start to mean something to me. Which has me wondering if I’m ready to actually let people in? I’ve spent the last 3 years “finding myself” (so cliche!!!) and I honestly think that I’m ready to get involved with people again. And I’m not just talking about dating. I’m talking about being around people that I want to really know. And for them to really know me. This is yet another topic that I should discuss with my therapist. I don’t know what I’ve been doing with her for this long and not touching on these subjects.
So, if I call you by something different then your God given name, it’s out of affection and not because I have totally forgotten your name. At least not all the time.
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