My "kids"

I don't have kids...in the normal sense. When I was married, my job as a wife was to pop out children for our family. My ex is the only male in his family and there are no other cousins that will be having children. So, that was a lot of pressure. Totally self induced pressure. His family was NEVER the type to put pressure on us. I was blessed with awesome in-laws. They are really good people and I’m lucky to still be able to have them in my life; 3 years after the divorce.




But when we got married I never thought about children. I mean, I never thought about getting married either. I was not one of those girls that had their wedding planned out in their heads. I didn’t have the Monica binder with pictures and fabric swatches or anything. I wasn’t even sure that I liked being with someone. Most of that was part of my bipolar issues. I never saw life any further down the line then a month or so. I just never planned ahead like that. I’ll plan a party or a business function but my life was completely mapless.



We never “not tried” to get pregnant, it was just not something we discussed. So when the ex and I were married about a year, I decided that I needed to go to the doctor because nothing had happened. Typically doctors want you to try a year without any kind of medical help. Well we had been involved for a total of 2 years at that point so the doctor thought it would be wise to try some fertility treatments. We then spent the next 2 years going through treatments, procedures and dollars. And the end result was that I was infertile. Completely. Nothing could make me pregnant.



I was devastated. I wanted children so bad at that time that I was heartbroken. But I still held out hope. The doctors tell me I have less than ¼ of 1 percent chance of getting pregnant on my own and that number was arrived at only because I demanded a number. “Not at all” was not allowed. So I held out hope. And every time I was a day late…I was excited. I would get pregnancy tests and pee like the wind. And they were all negative. As I should have expected. But I still held out hope…



So I did what I needed to do to get over that. I got my tubes tied. I had to go through several doctors before they would do it. A lot of doctors don’t want to do tubal ligations on women that have never had kids, regardless of their fertility. I was 31 when I got my tubes tied and I have not regretted it one day. It took out that hope that I had each month. It took that heartache out of the equation. I did not have to get so wrapped up in something that would just end in tears. I couldn’t do it.



I WANTED children. Of course, it happens to a lot of us. When you can’t have something? That’s when you want it more. And I wanted to have what I couldn’t. I was going to be a horrible mother but I didn’t think past getting pregnant. All I focused on was the process (which the ex liked) and the treatments. But once I had my tubes tied and the decision was done, I was at peace. I think I would have been a very selfish, self centered and borderline abusive parent. I know people will try to tell me different but I think I know me pretty well and I truly believe I would not have been a good mother.



I think that I may have started the damage to the marriage at this point. I think I took an option away from the ex that I should have been more aware of. I did it because I was hurting and I needed to make sure I was OK. I did talk to the ex about it but it was more along the lines of me telling him instead of asking him. I did that a lot. I told rather than asked. It’s a character defect of mine.



During the divorce I was so grateful to not have children. I couldn’t imagine going through that with little ones. And I struggled through the divorce. I barely made it through that. And that’s no joke. I really did not think I was going to live through that. And the divorce was amiable. We were friendly through it and I was sure I was going to die. But if I had kids? I’m not sure what would have happened.



And after the tubal ligation? I wondered why I was so hell bent on getting pregnant because as soon as I had my tubes tied I wanted nothing to do with children. Not that it was a reminder to me that I couldn’t have them but rather I just didn’t find any maternal feelings towards them. I love my nieces and I love my friend’s kids. But other people’s kids drive me batty. And all of them in small doses…I’m not a great auntie because I have about an hour threshold and then I’m getting irritated and starting to think about ways to trip the kids so they start crying and I can sneak out while the parents are calming them down. Now I would never be the type to pinch kids so they’ll be quiet…I’ll just smack them across the back of the head and scream at them. That gets their attention better.



So I’ll never be a mom and I’m really OK with that. I don’t have the depression around not having some demon seed growing in my belly. I don’t mind sleeping hours longer than other women or men get to sleep with children. I like the ability to go to a restaurant and talk to the other person without having to umpire between the children and the other people at the restaurant. I am not going to ever wish I was able to take a screaming, crying and probably puking thing into a store with me and let it run amok around the aisles because it’s better than dealing with them at home. Nope, I’m not going to miss that.



I will enjoy taking my nieces to get their nails and toes done. I will enjoy going over to my friend’s house and plying them full of sugar and shaking their children up (figuratively, not really) and then going back to my nice little quiet house and read a book or take a nap. Yep, I’ll enjoy that.