Wild Brain Scheme # 37

So I've been obsessing about this dilemma that I have personally gotten myself into and I'm starting to get past the nasty elephant in the room and have decided that I have to start thinking of ways to get this shit taken care of.  And how did I come to this conclusion?  Well, first, only because I was beating my head against my cheap work desk and bemoaning to the world that I am so very very fucked.  I kind of knew that was the case. It doesn't take a 3 year old to figure what the situation is going to mean.  I still had to get to it through my way of coming to terms with it though and that was to actually do work work.  I'm always looking for ways to get out of working, so I spend a lot of time in my "budget" spreadsheet. I literally spend an hour or more (usually way more) going through my spreadsheet.  Adding things and seeing what that means 3 weeks from now.  I use these numbers in my head when shopping but I always forget what it means 3 weeks from now when I'm buying things.  I just know that I have *this sum of money* available in my spreadsheet and its when I come back to it the next day and enter those receipts that I realize I have fucked myself 3 weeks from now.  I am not an accountant and I have not played one on TV. 

So I did what I have found is an easy way to lose track of 4 hours and that is to put together an excel spreadsheet and work through it that way.  Starting fresh and just carrying over a balance from a certain date.

Tedious? yes 
Time Consuming? yes
Not really facing reality? yes
Waste of time? I don't think so

Now hear me out....I love Microsoft Excel, I know I said that I spend about an hour or so on my budget spreadsheet?  Today was a record maker.  I had three meetings in the morning and 2 meetings in the afternoon.  So not a lot of time to obsess like I wanted to.  So I exercised some seniority pull and skipped some meetings.  Very bad thing to do and I don't recommend it.  I felt guilty for about 9 seconds.  Then I packed up my computer and went home so I could do this without anyone interrupting me.

What I found then surprised the ever loving shit out of me.  This is WAY worse then I thought.  I am really fucked. 

That took some time to sink it.  My mind kept telling me that it was going to be fine.  You can do this or that or something like that and it'll be OK.  Except Excel doesn't lie.  Well, I should say that it's capable of lying if you don't (or do) do the right thing in the program but, well, I"m getting off topic.  Suffice to say that it wasn't Excel that kept popping up in my head telling me it was going to be OK.  It was my need to make things right, to be OK. 

Now, because Excel and sorely underused Paint are my friend...I give you a 2 week period in August 2011.  That is not a mistake but that whole 2 week period, I am running in the red. And I cannot shut any of these things off.  The Gym is not necessary or wanted but I have a contract and I can do nothing about it because it requires money to get out of.  And $13 for a gym is a downright bargain.

I have gone over these numbers so many times that I can pretty much tell you that I am pretty screwed.  Refreshing!

So...I am gathering my better attributes and I am going to formulate a plan.  I have a preliminary idea. And it's one I want some feedback on.  I just need a little time to juggle it around in my head.  But I'm going to rely heavily on all of you and all my other peeps to give me ideas around how to do it better.  I'm not asking for help in terms of them fixing this.  In reality, I need people to tell me if I'm making the right decisions.  Because I don't know if you know this...I don't make good decisions in my personal life.  I stink at it.

Worth Saving?

Do I need saving?  And I don't mean in a JC kind of saving but I guess do I need saving from myself?  I mean, like an intervention.  I've had a "mini" intervention and I like to think that went well.  But when is the next time coming?  I don't want to beg for these things...interventions should never be horrible although many times they are, but I think they should be positive.  What?  You say I'm not a good person and not good person for me to be around?  How can I change for you and do you promise to stick by me?  Then, yes, I think interventions are a good thing.  As long as I approve of what you're going to booby trap me with and that I get to go somewhere for help that serves Crab Legs, orange juice, an assortment of fruits I like and vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce.  Maybe some slight compromise but I would sign off on that. Sure...

So, why talking of interventions?  Mostly because it popped into my head as I was going back over this post and realized I kind of go in and out of topic on this one.  Shocking, I know, but I'm easily distracted and can (read WILL) make bad decisions.  Lately it's mostly around money.  But that, in and of itself, doesn't mean I need to be saved, right?  So what does it take to get saved?  In regards to me?

Ending up in a corner and having no one to go to becuase I need to find the right way of spinning this.  And that is kind of what I am doing here.  I'm testing my angles and possible results. I am always able to get around things without taking responsibility.  At 36....I am not a responsible adult.  And I tend to find myself in really bad situations. But I never go into them with the thought that I should probably run this through someone else or to ask questions that I never think of until after the fact or if someone asks if I thought to ask.  I'm rubbish with things like that.  Maybe because I just assume everything will take care of itself.  But this time, I don't think there is going to be a saving.

I have managed to get myself so far into debt that I'm not going to be able to buy a can of soda until closer to November.  And while I do exaggerate many times, this time is not me exaggerating.  This was all as a result of poor decisions on my part.  I do this all the time.  And I usually get by because I ask for help.  But not this time, because there is no one left to ask.  I have sucked my sources dry.  And even if I hadn't abused them, I would still have to learn my lesson somehow.  And now is as good of time as any.

So, I know I'm resourceful and I can do problem solving and I've already started that.  I have started on the plan of action and I'm going to try to figure out ways to cut money. Some of that means that the loans I have with people (which I am eternally grateful for) are going to go unpaid for a few months.  This is unfair of me and I'm going to make apologies (not promises) and explain to them what I am going to be able to do in the future.

This is a good opportunity for me to recreate my lifestyle into one that is more realistic.  No more Starbucks and no more soda's from the cafeteria (or anywhere really). I'm going to become a pro at grocery shopping and keeping or coming under my budget.  Going places that would 1) allow me to spend money or 2)is not necessary to my budget is going to be cut.  Thus, hopefully, cutting down on my gas budget.  I have so much money budgeted a month for gas and groceries and its going to be interesting to see what I can return to the account for the next month's allocations.  I see this as an adventure not a burden.  Or at least that is how I see it for now.  Give me a weekend (that's about all I have left of soda) and I'll be literally screaming because I'm going through caffeine withdraw.

So, let's hope I learn my lesson and see this as an opportunity to literally change my way of thinking. I'm going to either get this right in my head and have a real life changing moment or I'm going to struggle for the next 6 months and end up alienating friends, family, all my friends on FB and those horrible people at work (their not horrible....maybe this life altering situation will change them in my eyes....I'm not holding out hope) because I have worn out my welcome and they want me to stay at my house and they'll come see me when I have come to my senses.

If you feel like giving me an intervention, my schedule is pretty wide open but don't let that fool you.  I'm sure I'm going to need to start taking reservations before too long.  And there will only be a $20 reservation fee....so book soon.

Pinching Pennies

I keep thinking someone is going to sweep in and save me. From what you ask? Myself. Because on my own, I can talk my way out of anything. I can justify this food, that purse, oh my...those shoes...
believe me, I can tell myself anything and I'm pretty good about telling YOU why I have to have these things.  What I'm even better at is hiding these things.  I have this nagging voice in my head all the time but I have strangled that person so much that I barely hear a peep out of her.  I also talk loud so I can talk over that voice.  It's pretty sad that I'm abusive to even the voices in my head.  It's a wonder they haven't stopped talking to me already.
So I have credit card debt, I'm 30 pounds over weight and I have projects out the ass that I just assume someone is going to fix for me.

It’s come to this about money…I am fat ass broke…I have a couple of outstanding bills that I have to come up with in the next month and I don’t have it all. I’m going to have to borrow money from my mom, which is embarrassing because I’m going to be 36 and I owe my mom some major money. And I have started to do what I can about the credit card debt. I am being proactive about it. It means I’m going to have to cut WAY back on things. No weekly trips to the thrift shops. No Starbuck’s every day. I’m going to use the library and my Netflix for entertainment. No more eating out all the time. It means planning meals and lists when I go to the grocery store. All things I was not doing. So, no wonder I’m in debt

I bought this little magazine/book that was by the registers at the grocery store about getting out of debt. I do not argue the fact that it was 1) an impulse purchase which is what I struggle with 2) that I spent money on a book that tries to tell me to not spend money and 3) I barely read it at the time. But I picked it up the other day and read it and saw all the signs that they listed as someone who is an impulse shopper. Maybe even a shopaholic. And I don’t mean that to be funny. I really do think I have a shopping addiction. I feel great when I buy something. It gives me a buzz. Look how cute this is, I know exactly where I’m going to put that, Oh, that would be a great gift for someone….These are all excuses that I use in my head. And I know people are constantly amazed at how often I have bought thing. Most people have been too nice to say anything and so I continue to do it. But I have a few people saying things and I’m starting to listen. It’s just like with my drinking. I never see that I have a problem until someone points it out to me. Then it becomes glaringly obvious. And I get angry because I lie to myself about these things. When I’m “caught” I can no longer ignore the misgivings I had in the back of my head already. I’m very good about tuning my head out. Because I don’t want to deal with things or can’t handle that I’m not in control. Which is the case most of the time. I want to control everything but I’m willing to let things happen as they should but really that’s me being lazy.

One part in the book that grabbed my attention and hence this mad scramble to make things right; is if you think someone is going to come in and save you so you don’t have to do deal with any of these issues now, then you might have a problem. I totally think that. . It’s going to take a few months to get to a point where I’ve got some fun money but even then I’m going to have to be really smart with my money because I’m not going to meet a millionaire who is going to just pay everything off and I’m going to be sitting in the lap of luxury. I’m always sure that I’ll get out of this somehow because I can’t do this on my own. Well, like I stated above, I’m going to be 36…it’s time for me to be an adult. I’m single with no prospects on the horizon to get involved with someone and possibly get married any time soon, so it’s up to me to handle my shit. And so that is where I am right now.

I have to consolidate my debt and make monthly payments. It means I’ll be out of debt in 21 months. Which is about 1/8 of what it would take if I just did minimum payments. This means a pretty hefty amount of money I pay them in one chunk for all my credit cards.  I tried a few different options to get this taken care of. I didn't have enough debt for one option.  They actually told me that if I could rack up a little more debt, then they could give me lower rates with a settlement.  I really don't want to settle the accounts for less then I owe. That really reflects negatively on my credit report.  But what I'm going to be doing is paying all of it off , minus interest, and closing the accounts.  Which still reflects negatively on my credit report.  But it's not an option to get more debt at this point so I'm settling for the most expensive option of the consolidation but it kind

But also, I am so low on cash for the next two months that I can’t do anything extra outside of my regular bills. This is my first test.  I'm only going to use cash for things.  Even gas, which is going to be hard. I don't like having to walk into the convenience store to put money on a pump. I think it is trashy because people can't use their cards but have to get all their cash together and can only do so much gas. You know, I can only afford 5 dollars so I'll put that on pump 6 and then only get to drive around so much.  But that's my prejudice talking there.  I am now going to be that person because I can't afford to just keep my debit card in my purse because I'll fill up the tank and while it's pumping away, I'll go in and get a soda and maybe a hot dog/chocolate/ice cream.  That's another $4 or $5 that I don't need but also can't afford.  So it means I'm a cash person.  God willing, I won't get mugged with all the cash I'm going to start carrying around.
For now, I’m focusing on the money, because the money is more urgent then my need to lose 30 pounds. If I can’t get this money thing under control, then I’ll lose weight after all. If I can’t afford more than Ramen, I’m going to get some of this fat off! :)

So, my life as the social butterfly is coming to an end. This isn’t a bad thing. It’s time that I find the level of social status that fits my budget. So, to all my friends and family out there...if I say no to an invite...it's not you, it's me!  And I'm not just saying that because I don't want to visit you...I have the budget to think about.