Next Week

I had Chinese tonight..which is a huge treat lately.  I'm starting to get some traction with the money issues.  Starting here on, it gets a little more flush.  Doesn't mean I go back to the way it was and I get myself back into a tight bind. No, my intention is to continue to live frugally and put together some savings.

But...I sense a setback.

I've had a really shitty couple of weeks.  Work mostly.  I have talked on here about my boss "Dick" and our exploits.  I have only told you the stuff that was pretty vanilla.  They were still more that maybe a little exasperated tales but still not very worrying.

Well, this week our love/hate relationship went pro.  The {expletive removed} actually took credit for my work AND he told me about it.  Came right up to my office, sat on the corner of my desk (closest to me even...freaking geek) and told me that he told my client about the idea and she wants him to go.  MOFO....I hit the roof.  No...hit the roof was when he would ask me to fill out paperwork....no, this....I lit the fuck up...I was so angry at that moment that I just sat there and stared at him.  I will admit that I very happyily plotted his death for the next 2 hours and then I started calling people.  I was shaking for the rest of the day.  I put some time in with some paperwork.  I was kind of hoping that I was over reacting and I just needed to calm down.  But the few people I talked to agreed that I was right to be angry.

Of course, I did nothing about it.  But this week seemed to be Dick's job to stab Shannon in the back.  I worked late for most of the week and I just put my head down and took it.  But today...today I told the prick to do it himself.  Today, I told him what to do.  And today, I took a little bit of my pride back. 

Next week will be better because I've hit my limit.  I can no longer take his bullshit and lies.  I refuse to chuckle along when he makes remarks about how bored he is at his job.  And I will definitely no longer take his attitude. 

I have been looking for another job and as much as I hate to leave my company, I think it's time.  But in the meantime? I'm watching the little fucker and I'm taking notes.  That shit's gotta end.

So the setback comes in the form of anger which turns to depression which manifests itself in buying things and food.  Two things I do not want to go back to.  So, I guess, what do I do?  Start buying chewing gum and chew when I'm ready to start heating up a family portion of lasagna?  Do I wear a rubberband on my wrist and thwack myself when I want to buy a small fortune of diet coke?  I'm not sure I have the answers to this but I'm looking!

Next week is going to be different because it has to be...I can't do what I've been doing anymore. I'm missing out on life and friends. I want a life back.

Now I just need to find a way to work with Dick.

Santa's measuring stick

see more Sketchy Santas

I know where some people in my life fall. If you have to ask yourself which book you're in...you're probably a dick.

Thanks Tracy!

Getting a Happy Ending

I had a massage the other day from Massage Envy.  Well, Massage Envy did not give me a massage...one of their massage robots did it.  This instance, it was a guy giving the massage.  I was looking forward to this because it has been months since a massage. So I got naked and under the blankets.

This sounds kinky but since I'm not seeing anyone and hadn't for several years (other then the very short amount of time with Burke), I occasionally crave to be touched.  Not in a sexual way, but just in a need to be touched. The human touch is soothing sometimes.

Most of my massages are with women. I'm not opposed to being touched by a man giving me a massage but really I just prefer woman.  I think it's because when married, I would get massages from the ex as a means to "the happy ending" so my body responds to that. And I think I've had 3 massages from guys since the divorce. And none of them brought a happy ending.

But the Massage Envy guy didn't bring a response from me either because I think he fell asleep during the 90 minute massage.  You know when you are half asleep and come up from that, not all the way but just enough to be half aware of what you are doing? Then you come awake suddenly...This is what I think happened with him.  He was working on my feet and then just started to slow down and creeped to a stop.  Couple seconds go by and then he does that half awake thing because he'll just start doing a little rub on my heel and then stop moving.  It's at this point that I actually feel his hands start to relax and my foot starts to drop.  This immediately wakes him up and he's back awake.

He does this for the other foot too.  At one point, I shake my foot to get his attention.  Wakes him up and he continues to the leg and beyond. Out of the 90 minute massage, the back got about 60 minutes alone because I don't think he knew what he was doing.  He fell asleep during that time period a couple of times too.

Needless to say, I was not impressed and I told the front office too. I got a free 30 minute massage.  I'll use that later this month.

Now, my most recent 90 minute massage was a different story. The lady I had was awesome.  She spent those 90 minutes roughing me up.  She did all the right areas and all the right pressures.  But she evoked a reaction that I hadn't had for awhile.

My left hip (not on the side but the top) has always been a spot that I react to.  I'm not ticklish on my feet or sides.  I sometimes get goosebumps when someone breathes on my neck or ears but that is usually about it.  But my left hip, if massaged, touched or all other sundry actions...I get a little restless.  Hm....restless sounds weird but I don't think you'd like to hear that my heart rate quickens, my breathing gets heavier and I start to tingle.  Other things happen but suffice it to say that I get a little turned on.

This didn't happen with the guy but it happened with my new lady.  She was massaging my thighs and started getting a little close to the hip and Oh My God.

Now, I did not leap off the table and molest the lady but I did tense up a bit.  For the majority of the massage before this I was totally in la-la land.  I was in my head, but just calm and serene.  But the calm and serenity came to a screeching halt and I went into frazzled mode.  It lasted all of 2 or 3 minutes and then she moved down to my feet and back over to the next leg.

It took me a couple of minutes to relax but I did and I had a great massage overall.  She was, without a doubt, the best masseuse I have ever had. And that is NOT because I lost my head. There was no Happy Ending.  If there had, the tip would have been much much bigger...

But she's the masseuse for my next massage...so no pressure but I'm not going to shave my legs so she can't do my legs or thighs.  That's my talisman, if I shave, things happen.  Don't shave and I go home alone and watch Red Tube.com.

Shake it Up

So....as a result of being bipolar, I take a lot of medications. And unfortunately, I don't take just one or two. I take 16 pills throughout the day. Now, 4 of those are for something different. Like vitamins. So 12 are for being manic, being depressed and then being manic and depressed.


I have been on some of the same meds for years and I know that they work. If I were to stop taking them…I would probably not live very long. (Sounds so dramatic but it’s still the truth) To me, death is an option. It’s always been THE ANSWER for everything. I never saw the flip side of that argument. But it’s become less of an option today. It probably will always be an option. But I have came to a place in my life and found that I don’t want to die. So, in the need to stay alive, I take my pills. I don’t want to. I hate taking them. And, in my head, I keep thinking I’m doing better so why keep taking them. But I play the tape forward and I see the darkness for what it is.

And cost...holy crap balls. I don't have a deductible insurance plan thankfully, just copays. I have a flex spend account that I put $3,000 into every year to pay for doctors and medications. And I am sqeaking by with $3,000. My meds cost, on average, $225 a month. Then there are the med check appointments and therapist. Just getting a regular check up with my family practioner. All that gets down to the very bottom of the barrel and I typically have to come up with $50 or so at the end of the year. But it saves me so much money during the year because I'm not one of those people that can save money away for known expenses even.


Recently I had to add a drug to my arsenal and it has been HUGE for me. And kind of scared me when I started taking it because I saw it as a last ditch effort. I had gone manic for about 7 months at that point. I had never been manic for more than a couple of hours; maybe a few days. But to be manic for so long…I was running on fumes. And I didn’t see I was manic. My friend Crawford pointed it out to me and at that point I totally saw it. I immediately contacted my doctor and was put on a new med. My doc prescribed Lithium. Lithium is an "old" drug and one of the first drugs produced to help treat depression.

It still took another 3 months or so for me to get it under control. But when it did kick in, it was amazing. I felt this calm about me that was so cool. I wasn’t high nor was I low. I’m on this even plane where I don’t get riled up and I don’t get depressed. When I first started taking it, I thought I was depressed or a zombie but in reality it’s what normal feels like, I imagine. It’s so appealing to continue to take this drug for the rest of my life. Except 2 things…death and side effects.


This prescription is the only time my doctor has told me to absolutely stick to the prescribed amount because this will kill you. Part of me was amazed that she finally told me a dosage that would kill me. I ask her every time I change a drug what the dosage that could kill me be. Being a good doctor, she never told me. This time, with Lithium, she told me very specifically, do not take more then you are prescribed to take. I think that is what made me think this was a last ditch effort to help me. Of course, it isn’t. Lithium was just a drug in her arsenal that she was trying to see if I could come down. It helped immensely.

The 2nd reason I am cautious about taking it for the rest of my life are the side effects. With any medication, you have the potential to experience side effects. I read somewhere that one in four patients are plagued by side effects from prescription medications. I have not been that one in the past and is probably why I’m OK with taking all the pills I take for now. Its the fact that the pills are giving me a good life; that's why I take them.

But with Lithium, I'm getting side effects. And not just for the first few days but I am experiencing them since August. But in Lithium’s defense…it does post that you WILL experience 2 side effects. The 2 side effects are diarrhea and tremors.

I thought long and hard about what to talk about with diarrhea. And I’ve decided to spare you the vivid details but suffice it to say that diarrhea and I are "buddies" and it’s not every day for the most point; which is a good thing. But I'm not sure you need the details of that.

The tremors are interesting and something I have had to get used to. I get them every day, just with varying intensity. For the most part, I get up in the morning and it’s barely noticeable. Further into the morning and I start to shake. It starts to get bad around lunch. Around this time it then is decided what intensity it’s going to be. Some days are better than others. Today it is barely noticeable. Yesterday I couldn’t hold a cup to my mouth. I had to hold it with both hands and even then it was a bit “wiggly”. And people notice. More than I do. I’ve had people tell me that I’m shaking; either in a grocery store or in my AA meetings. People have definitely asked if I’m OK; if I had eaten. The concern is actually very nice and I typically just tell them that “I shake, I’m a shaker”. That seems to appease them. And it sounds kind of witty.

But I've essentially become a vibrator.

Change of status

I have to admit that I had been dying to change my status on Facebook to "In a Relationship" for awhile. I just hadn't found a person to give me that opportunity.

Then I met Burke and was excited when I got to change my status. I got so many comments on this. From friends, they wanted to know what was going on. I hadn't really been telling people I was starting to see someone and so some where shocked.

Family was a bit of the same but I got the distinction that they were surprised I was even talking to men. I know my brother seems to think I'm going to be single for the rest of my life...which I may, at this point because I ended the relationship with Burke today.  A lot of contributing issues got me to this conclusion.  

I wasn't prepared to give him what he needed and I just couldn't compromise that much. I was being asked to NOT be me. My life is made up of reading things, watching movies, being with friends and sarcasm.  Which Burke didn't get, whether in person or on-line. This is my fault because I thought everyone got sarcasm.  And I am made up of about 97.3% sarcasm. Most of my friends wouldn't know what to  do if I was to turn serious and not be a smart ass.  So, trying to take that out of me was taking away my identity. And not something I could do, let alone want to do.

And the needs I had were not being met because he was so wrapped up in how I was or was not doing things right.  He was so internally focused that I just couldn't reach him.  I had to tiptoe around him because it seemed like everything I said or did was a direct hit to his ego. I was suffocating.

But dating Burke was fun. He was incredibly intelligent and had a lot of movies practically memorized. He had things in his head that were incredible; just the amount of knowledge he had.

But how I ended it was kind of chicken shit.  We talked the night before Thanksgiving and a lot of this is a direct result of that. It was not so much talking but rather it was me speaking as loud as I could with his son downstairs. Because if it had been just the two of us I would have been yelling because I was just done with all of it.  But I shut down towards the end because any thing I said was taken wrong. But I should have ended it then. I knew it was over before we ended up turning over and going to sleep.  But the next day was Thanksgiving and I was cooking a good portion of the dinner.  And I should have ended it when he walked me to the car but it was 29 degrees outside and I knew it wasn't right then.  So...chicken shit, I wrote an email and sent it.  I spent a lot of time on what to say in the email but it ended up being just a couple of lines because I assume he knows what ended it and how it wasn't good for us.

So I am single again and my status on Facebook is back to reflect that.  It might be awhile before I decide to date. Not because this one hurt, rather it frustrated me.  I just don't think I can find someone that will allow me to be who I am and not take things so personal.  Maybe there isn't anyone that can do that.

I'm going to let things just happen naturally.  No dating sites or such things.  If it happens, it's because God had a say in it and I'm OK with that.  I don't mind being alone. I actually really like it.

C is for Cat

In theory, cats are cool.  They are supposed to look cuddly and cute when they are kittens. They bat little balls around, get the munchies after a session with the cat nip and they lounge around in the sun.  Like I said, in theory...cool.

I have had cats with my family off and on.  Not a one of them has ever bit me or scratched me.  They were never cuddly or cute though.  I don't know if we got them older or if we just got the cats that were born old. I like to think we got the kind of cats that just didn't give a shit...

Stephen King's Cat's Eye freaked me the fuck out....although it was not the cat that was the one stealing Drew Barrymore's breath, it built it up so much before the end that I honestly was concerned for my life that night.

 Who wouldn't find this terrifying?

But what sealed it for me, later in life, were the Michael's.  I was probably 13 or 14 when I started babysitting for them.  I can't remember the snot factory's name but I remember the introduction they gave me to Satan.  I shit you not, they named their cat Satan....

First introduction to the boy went really well.  He came to me right away, he laughed when I played with him...all things good parents want to see.  I thought I had the job.

After a bit, we went to the kitchen to talk about logistics (yes, even then I was a planner).  They gave me a coke and a list of numbers I would need.  All the typical things...This is where the remotes are, the boy likes his blankie at this time, don't let him stay up and here is where all the candy is. We'll need you here tomorrow at 6.  Great...

Oh and we have a cat.  He's in the basement.  He gets a little weird (yes, their word) around people.  His name is Satan and we tend to keep him away from visitors because he'll attack them.  I wanted this gig so bad that I told them that it wasn't a problem.  I think I kind of glazed over that last part.

So, this is how cat's are terrifying.  I didn't see the cat for the next 3 babysitting jobs.  I could hear it, at the top of the basement stairs.  I'm pretty sure I heard it call my name a couple of times or at least talked about stealing my breath from me. But I never saw it. Until I saw it.

One night I showed up to babysit and I came in and took off my coat and the next thing I know, I am shrieking like a banshee and running laps around the couch because the fucking cat was trying to snuff me in front of the baby.  The adults quickly wrestled Satan into a choke hold and threw him down the stairs and shut the basement door.  I was going to pass out from lack of breathing. Little shit was already one up on me.  He did some recognizance work and knew I was weak...mother fucker.

I was less inclined to babysit but the Michael's knew they had to pay premium before the rumor mill started and they couldn't get anyone to sit.  So I went back a couple more times and everything went well.

So I got cocky.  I thought, what can a cat do to me?  I'm like 5'3"....I could do things to this cat that he ain't never seen...Now I wasn't willing to get crazy and let the demon out....no, I started slipping things under the door...toothpicks because I know they like to chase things but I was really hoping to poke it's eye out.  I would take a sheet of paper and move it around, going for the kill cut on the throat.  I would throw pepper under the door to make it sneeze it's brains out.  So you can see we hadn't really bonded. *public service announcement...the cat wasn't in any danger*

Then it happened...At the next babysitting gig, I was outside with the boy, we were playing in the garage and driveway. Probably 4 or 5 pm.  This was in Wisconsin so I can only assume it was summer because 4 or 5pm during the winter is both black outside and unbelievably cold.  The Michael's aren't due back for a couple of hours so I thought we could spend quite a bit of time outside, running the energy out of the boy, subduing him for the rest of the evening.

I went to go inside and grab a soda and didn't make it across the threshold.  Satan was elegantly poised at the top of the basement stairs, door nudged open just enough to drag his carcass through it.  Fuck.

I don't know another time in my life that I have moved faster then I did jumping back and swinging the garage door closed.  I literally don't think I blinked in that time period.  I couldn't be sure but I thought I heard a bump against the garage door, as though he had launched himself towards me.  Cat like reflexes has nothing on a terrified Shannon.

At this point, I started scrolling through my mind, the best actions going forward.  I could call the Michael's...wait, it was 1988 and there were no cell phones in my family.  Plus the numbers where all inside.  I couldn't remember when they were supposed to be home.  I thought about just shoving the boy through the door and going home.  But, instead, I got more toys out and let the boy play til his parents came home. Which was not in an hour or two. 

They were very understanding and apologetic.  There was a lot of back and forth but the damage had been done and there was not going to be anymore babysitting for the boy.  I wasn't that upset.

But from then on, cats are Satan.  They scare me, the way they stare at you.  Calculating little fucks.  I know they are going through scenarios in their mind for ways to approach you as though innocent. Only to climb you and scratch your eyes out.  Cat Scratch Fever

Did you know that it's possible to get this from cats? Why would you want to know a cat?

Cat scratch disease is an infection caused by bacteria known as Bartonella henselae.Although about 40% of cats carry the bacteria in their saliva at some point in their lives, cats that carry Bartonella henselae do not themselves show any signs of illness. Most people contract the disease after being scratched or bitten by a cat.

Since these bacteria may also be present on cat fur, it is possible to contract the disease from petting a cat and then rubbing your eyes. Kittens are more likely than older cats to carry the bacteria and to transmit the infection to humans. Sometimes people who get cat scratch disease do not recall ever being scratched or bitten by a cat.

Sometimes people do not recall ever being scratched or bitten by a cat? Why the hell not?  I remember every move a cat makes in my general vicinity.  This propaganda is just what cats want you to think. 

All of that back story to say this, Burke has cats...they're nice.  

They don't scratch or measure you up for ways to shit in your mouth.  They will perch on my lap for hours, if I let them.  If I'm not looking at them, they'll lightly tap my leg or arm.  Purely to remind me that they are there and that they'll wait for me to open my lap up.  The tapping freaks me out a bit because they'll do that to me not just when I'm on the couch but in bed.  Getting a light tap on your face, while sleeping, is a little unnerving.  Gives me goose bumps every time.  But this is because Burke told me that they sometimes will sit on his chest at night and wake him up.  Can you see why this makes me nervous about them?  It's Cat's Eye being played out in real life!  And to their credit, the only time they have scratched me was when they got spooked and jumped off my lap and their back claws dug in.  No damage, just surprised me.  All 3 of them are very nicely mannered.  But I get the feeling like someone is looking at me and I'll glance down and one of them truly is staring at me.  I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt that it's a nice "hey, go sit down so I can snuggle with you" look instead of Satan reincarnate and back to do some damage.  I don't think Burke's cats are capable of that, I really don't.

But I still don't like cats.

  

Modern Conveniences

It's really hard to say which modern convenience in my life I am the most grateful for. 

This one is very helpful especially when the sun goes down.

This one just makes life easier....

This one is essential for keeping my ice cream cold

This one gives me the ability to go to work so I can go shopping and see my friends.

I think these are important for the well being of me...

But when it all comes down to it I would have to say that these are the modern convenience I am grateful for on a daily basis.

I would put pictures of all my friends here but I have been remiss in actually taking pictures but here is my shout out...you all rock!

Childish Behavior

I am constantly amazed at my progress as a rational and emotional human being. I was never one for doing things for just the sake of being child like. I had no room for such ridiculous behavior. I was just not interested in it. Why would I want to swing on a swing or even blow kisses...definitely no tickle matches.


I don’t think it is a ridiculous behavior in theory…Goodness no...But I never really saw the attraction for being childish. I’m an adult and so I should act as an adult. I was born old it seems like. I remember talking to adults as though I was one of them. I was definitely able to hold a conversation when I was in my teens. I got along better with adults then I did people my own age. And to this day, is somewhat still the case.

I feel like I have to keep this adult side of myself up because that is what is expected of me. But I'm getting closer to doing different things...like really close. It’s dangerous how close I feel I am to actually doing something spontaneous....I know that it amuses people in my life how much I get caught in the weeds of things, needing to know the details around everything. I have a need to plan out my whole life because then I’ll know what’s going to happen and I can prepare myself. I am definitely not a “fly by the seat of your pants” person. I’m structured and rigid, not a surprise to me or those in my life.

But I’m in a relationship that requires me to ‘calm down”’. Not in a bad way, not at all. I actually really need to calm down. I’m structured and rigid because I just don’t know that I can let go of the reigns. But the difference now is that I want to. I want to let go and be more child like. I guess I’ll just try to find ways to become that person who will kiss to be funny instead just an act and I’ll try to remember what it was like to swing on a swing and getting so high I feel like I can juggle the sun, the moon and the stars. Laughing so hard that I get the hiccups. Maybe ding dong ditch?

Giving into the child like mentality does not mean that I am giving up my responsibilities as an adult but rather it gives me the freedom to act differently. And I so desperately want to be different. Although I don't think this would work at my job...might be interesting to try, though.

Money Management

Do you know how many of my problems would be solved by having money? Pretty much all of them, that's how many.

I'm pretty sure I'll never have enough money that would allow me to just go to Target and shop and not bother looking at the total.  I used to do that and is probably (maybe) be the reason I'm not as financially secure as I'd like.

I've given into the power that money has over me.  It has a strong hold on my life.  So I'm trying to do something different.  I've given control to another person.  They are managing my money for me.  Now, I have total control of my money but I have to run things through this person so that I have permission to spend the money.  This is an interesting situation to be in because I 1) know that I need someone to do this for me because I just do not have the ability to stop, even when I know I do not have the money and 2)It takes a lot of control away from me and I'm a huge control freak.  So I find myself trying to slip things in with the thought that I wouldn't need to bother this person for $4 at QuikTrip.  When, in reality, I still have to sit with that person each week and they'll see what I've spent.  It's starting to work though.

I'm not sure how this happened; the dire straits with money.  I make really good money and on paper I've got a lot of disposable income.  I should be able to go to Target and drop $20 or $30 without sweating. It would be nice to be able to go out to dinner any random night.  I could actually go out with my friends when they ask.

Instead, I'm taking cash out for specific items (cash and groceries) and then not using my debit card for anything else that isn't budgeted for.  The reasoning behind this is that any "extra" money I have at the end of 2 weeks goes into savings.  And my goal is to have 4 - 6 months of income in the savings account so I have an emergency fund.

But this is REALLY difficult for me.  I honestly don't think I would go a day without spending some amount of money.  I really can not think of one time in the last several months.  So now, it's kind of a test to see how long I can go.  I've gone 3 days so far...that means no debit card and no cash.  That's a huge accomplishment for me.  I was struggling from the constant need to be careful that I "lapsed" and bought something just to smell the receipt that they gave me.  Kind of a rush to spend that $1.48 for a soda.

I think there is a 12 step program for these types of issues.  I might have to start looking to add more meetings to my week nights.

Horoscope for 11-12-10

Here is my horoscope for today...I have a few comments.

The hard work and detail-oriented planning you have done lately is really starting to pay off, Shannon. The key today is to maintain your sensitivity and look to where you can be of service to others. The nurturing side of you is feeling the need to express itself in a helpful manner. Follow your heart and be respectful of your emotions. The thing you need to be most aware of is to not overextend yourself too much.

First, they pegged me on the detail-oriented...I'm a bitch about details.  You have to have details in order to do things.  Vague mumblings are not helpful nor acceptable.  I want to know what the plan is.

Second, I don't think I'll maintain my sensitivity since I don't really have that.  Not to mention that I don't want to be of service to others.  I'm in it for me...  OK, I take that back.  The whole point of my 12-step program is to be of maximum service to God and others.  That is what the big book tries to teach up.  So I have to walk through the day, holding out my hand.

Third, the nurturing side needs to express itself?  I might be sensitive but I most definitely am not nurturing.  Not by any stretch of the imagination.  I actually will recoil when asked to be loving and kind.  Most people seem to sense this and so I'm not really asked to nurture anyone.  I can shake a hand and sometimes hug but I will not be sitting at your bedside when you're sick...mopping your brow...

Fourth, respectful of my emotions?  I don't think that's going to happen.  I don't respect your emotions...why respect mine.  I think it's more that I don't trust emotions.  Emotions happen without warning and are rarely the same each time.  And how do you deal with emotions?  I didn't get a cheat sheet with my sobriety and I doubt I'll be able to pick one up at Borders.

Fifth, do not overexert yourself....I am kind of two different people here.  I will overexert myself when it's something I feel strongly about.  But what happens most of the time is that I'll start something and then quickly get bored, tired or fed up and then I'll just half ass it.  Really, I like to half ass half ass...I used to be gunho about things.  I'd step in and try to solve the problems of everyone involved.  I wanted to fix you.  I definitely overexerted myself but I lived off that.  It was a "high" that I would get for being the savior.

Now, I just want to be mediocre  I just want to do the bare minimum.  I don't ask for the hard assignments. I don't spend hours each night, working on projects. I don't run around and try to run the whole shebang.  I just want to go home, read a little, maybe watch a movie and work on craft projects.

The lesson of this horoscope post is this...this sensitiveless, nonnurturing, unemotional, detail orientated person will try harder to be more sensitive of others, initiate more nurturing interactions, start expressing my emotions and wade less in the details; give of my time and talents.

But then I think people would have a hard time with a newer, softer Shannon.  Guess I have to work on my PR.

Tattoos and Burger King

Many people ask me why tattoos.  And I'm not sure I know why.  I got my first one when I was 23 and I've gotten more over the 13 years.  I have 8 and I have plans for many more. 

When I got my first tattoo it was like $50 and that was for color. That's impossible now.  Of course my first tattoo is the one I regret. I think every woman gets a tattoo because it sounds good and we choose something that is pretty recent type of like. Mine was Winnie the Pooh. And the classical one, no red shirt. Naked little bear. And on my right hip. Which now looks like an accordion because my belly now has belly's. And I shortly, after that, stopped collecting Winnie the Pooh because it was childish. But it's there the rest of my life.  Didn't think that far ahead really.
So I wish I had gotten something a little more general


My 2nd tattoo was just like every other woman in her mid 20's...I have Chinese symbols that mean To Kill Fire.  Now I'm assuming that these symbols mean that.  For all I know, they mean "Fuck Off" because the Chinese people are tired of 20 somethings getting Chinese symbols tattooed on them and so they only write up naughty ones.  This comes in handy when around a Chinese person, they then know that you are marked as the white person that has no reason to have Chinese letters on them.  I totally fall into that category.  And Google wasn't around at that point so I went off the big book of symbol's at the tattoo parlor.  I'm hoping I'm OK.  The reasoning behind the tattoo was that I "killed fire" at that time in life.  I was a firefighter for a couple of different houses.  It was honestly the best job I have ever had.  It was a rush when the sirens went off and to calmly walk into a fire engulfed house?  God it was awesome.  One of the old timers actually told me that I had the soul of a fire fighter.  That was a huge compliment.  This is something I should have gone into, I would have been a good one.  Instead, I let a boy run me off and I will always be angry about that.

Anyway....

I thought long and hard about the 3rd tattoo, I really did which was a total change for me. So I asked a lot of people (not really), I researched it (not at all) and then...and this is a good one,  I took my practice husband to get matching tattoos on our 2nd wedding anniversary.  I thought it would be romantic.  I got the infinity symbol on my back, he got the same one on his chest.  Really kind of romantic but we got tattoos on our anniversary instead of going out to dinner, although we went to Burger King after the tattoos...kind of classy!  Now, like the rest of my marriage, I did not ask practice husband if he wanted a tattoo.  I just told him that that was what we were doing.  Another reason I'm divorced.  He probably didn't want one but couldn't stand up to me.  I feel bad about that one.  But I went about a year and a half after the divorce and had it covered up.  Well, as much covering up you can do with black.  I had a heart put over it because I wanted my heart back. And I'm actually kind of pissed about that because the heart design that is there is not what I wanted.  But try telling a tattoo artist (who are typically antisocial and think highly of themselves) that he designed something you didn't want...you'll get a shitty tattoo.  Knowing what I do now, I would have left the shop and found someone else.  But he was supposedly a really good artist.  I'm not fond of this tattoo.  But covering up the tat that matched the ex was a good idea.  Poor guy is stuck with him for life...how do you explain to a new girl that you're getting naked with that you have the infinity symbol because of an ex.  I hope he comes up with a good story...

I have a martini tattoo on my ankle. When I was drinking I loved martini's and so thought it would be wise to put one on my ankle. It's just that I liked the thought of cocktail parties and the festivities around them. The design I have is very 50's and 60's looking. But this was before I stopped drinking. Now, I had a sponsor make a joke about it...you might be an alcoholic if you have a martini tattoo on your ankle....I definitely had enough martini's to be an alcoholic...I still looks cool though.


I have my dog Milo's name name tattooed on my wrist. That one hurt! For what I put him through early in our relationship, he gets permanent ink.


This year I had them tattoo circles all over the top of my foot and it kind of wraps up my ankle. No particular reason for that one, just thought I'd like circles.  Really I wanted stars but everyone is doing stars, so I did bubbles.  The guy that did it was good but wanted to do them in colors and I said red...but they they're pink and purple.  Not happy about that one...and that one HURT like a motherfucker....you have very thin skin on the top of your foot and so very sensitive.  I was always good with pain but even I had to have him stop a couple of times.  And it has taken a couple of months to fully heal.  Putting on shoes that had tops were pretty hard for a few weeks.  I think I may even have gotten an keloid scar on one of them.

I designed the 5 red poppies on my right shoulder.  It curves with my shoulder going onto the top of my arm.  I have a thing for red and I wanted a flower.  I spent about 2 weeks going through pictures of poppies.  I ended up using paint shop and Microsoft clip art and designed them.  Of course, most of this was done on company time.  I spent a lot of time fooling around with different tools.  By the end of it, I had 5 flowers all in a cluster.  I was going to do the same on my left shoulder but I'm afraid that it would look like I have shoulder pads or epaulets. 

Because I wear pants for the most part to work. Even with heels, most people can not see my tattoos.  When I wear dresses and not knee high boots, I get a lot of looks.  It's interesting to sit in a meeting, watching someone follow my tattooed wrist when I'm talking and gesturing. I tend to wear a watch over it but I occasionally have to stop talking and show them the tattoo so they'll be able to focus back on the meeting topic.
I have designs for more tattoos.  I want the pause button on my other wrist because I frequently should take a break or breath and having the "button" would help me remember do that. 

For my mom's 60th birthday, I bought her a tattoo.  She had been hemming and hawing about it.  I remember her being upset with me for getting my first couple but now she was thinking of getting one.  She did good through it but since she tends to have no tolerance for pain, it was not fun watching her do Lamaze breathing.

For my Dad's 64th, Mom and I took him to get his first tattoo.  He got the Air Force wings on his shoulder.  He was the hold out since my brother had a couple and Mom had one.  I'm not sure he actually REALLY wanted one but he loves his.  He tries to walk around with no shirt sleeves when working around the house.  Not sure either of them will get more but at least I'm not the only one with them.

If I had my way, I would have sleeves of tattoos, never on my face or neck but up and down my arms.  But I can't do that.  The one on my back sometimes shows through certain clothes and the one on my shoulder definitely shows some of the time.  But work has been really good with it.  Everyone knows that I have tattoos.  Which is interesting because I definitely come across as a hard ass and having a tattoo or 8 goes against the image they have of me.  And living in CupCake County (I live in one of the richest counties in the US), I don't necessarily fit into that image with the number of tattoos I have.

And this is a significant investment.  Anymore, you can't get out of the parlor for less then $150. And I have large designs in mind for the next couple. 

But my point of this blog entry is that I want to be the person that has more tattoos.  I would love to invest in the artwork that I would put on my body.  I would REALLY love to have my nose pierced.  Just a little tiny tiny tiny diamond stud.  But I could definitely never do that at my job.  But it's the look I'm going for.  Not that I am trying to become the type of girl that lives to roller derby (but then again...I would love to) and wear black.  But I want to express myself with my body and I want tattoos to do that.

At this point, in my life, I have to be content with the fact that I will probably be in Corporate America for several more years.  So the sleeves of tattoos is not an option.  And I have people in my life that are not particularly impressed with tattoos.  But they have to understand that while I appreciate their opinion, ultimately it is my body and my money.  And it will make me happy.

I'd LOVE to have a pin up girl on my back but I'm hesitant because I wouldn't see it then.  And I like to see my tattoos.  I have them for a reason.  I love gnomes too and that will probably be another tattoo.  Here are two of the tattoos I'd like.  The pin up will go up one side of my back and the turtle gnome will go on my thigh...

So I'll start saving up.  These two are going to take several sittings and I'm going to have to do a lot of talking to some in my life.  Hopefully they'll understand that this is something I want to do.  There are just some things that you can't change about who people are.

Grateful for so much

Back in December of 2009, I started doing a gratitude list. 5 things I was grateful for, for that day. I started doing this with a girl that I was sponsoring. We were going to do it every day for 30 days. No repeats and it had to be 5. She made it about 15 days and then went back out drinking. I haven’t seen or talked to her since. That was my very first sponsee…kind of took that one hard. I was not grateful for that. Although I am grateful for her being in my life at that time. She definitely helped keep me sober.

Around this time I asked my Mom to do the same thing. After 30 days I typed up what she had been grateful for and sent it to her. Giving her 150 things she found worthwhile. It was kind of cool.

But I didn’t stop there. I kept going and so did Mom. Every day, it was 5 things grateful for but this time we could repeat. And we have been doing that for over 10 months. Mom has added about 8 ladies to the list now, all friends of her on-line group or through sewing/quilting groups. They have been so nice to me and they are all so loving. I’m truly grateful for them!

But I find myself grateful for my powdered drink mix, binder clips, definitely mechanical pencils (I’m in love with them) and Facebook. Those are kind of random ones but I find that all of mine are kind of random. Here are some of the things I’ve been grateful for:

• Yahoo Messenger so I can "talk" to Burke
• Meeting the other Cube Car owners tonight
• NO MEETINGS!!!!!!!
• My iTouch
• My ability to somewhat calmly reschedule my work load
• I managed to get to work before 8am!
• McDonald's Dollar Menu
• On-line ability to check accounts
• Cheaper gas is Missouri
• This is day 5 of no soda and I'm feeling good
• Skype
• Highway I35 for getting me from one door to another
• Hearing my dogs snore
• That I've built up a trust in my life that I never had before
• That it's only 3:21pm on Sunday...I still have hours to go before bed and then the dreaded Monday
• Quik Trip
• Budget (not really grateful but kind of grateful)
• Sewing Expo
• Got to leave work at 3pm
• Jeans that "give a little" when I need it
• That I have a job that allows me to stay home and work
• Apple TV and able to choose movies for free
• Long hot showers
• Most of the girls outside my office are out for the day - YEAH!!!
• My ability to keep a straight face when I am told a highly ridiculous excuse
• Honey Mustard flavored Pringles
• God for allowing me to remain on this planet and live a life that I am finding is worth living
• Microsoft Excel spreadsheets
• Honey Crisp Apples
• Chapstick
• Sewing machine is working!!!!
• The ability to restrain myself from snapping when someone says I look like a big pumpkin because I'm wearing an orange top...(they better have not meant that I look like a big FAT pumpkin)

 That’s one of the 5 for the last 30 days. It’s amazing how many of the other ladies put the weather, God (although it’s only through him), their kids or grand kids or friends on-line. I guess I’m more of a instantaneous grateful person and its random things that pop in my head in the afternoon when I type up my gratitude’s.  But I'm also the same age as some of their children.  Having these ladies on the distribution list also means I have to keep things clean.  Because I'm pretty glad for kissing and hugging but I'm doubly glad for the naughty things done in bedrooms, cars or closets...I'm grateful for Mr Burke in a lot of ways...

But my gratitude is genuine. And I find it refreshing because I was just about the most miserable person in the world and even worse than miserable to be around. I couldn’t muster enough good attitude to get out of a funk or even care if you were affected by my bad attitude. I could put together a list of things I was NOT grateful for and probably not repeat for a couple of months. I can still make those lists and have occasionally done with my daily list to the ladies but it’s more about the things I have no control over, things that are a nuisance but never devastating.  Like I'm not grateful for 4pm meetings on Friday.  I'm not grateful for the price of a Diet Coke and how it seems to be going up...I'm ungrateful for the small things.

The idea of the gratitude list was to find that I was not as miserable as I liked to think I was. That there were some really great things in my life. And by doing it every day, I’ve found that my life is pretty damn good. I’ve got crap in my life but NOWHERE near the shit storm I perceived my life to be. Yeah, I’m short in money (who isn’t). I’d like to be thinner. I’d like to have straight hair. Heck, I’d like to be able to run a mile in a sports bra and not look like I’m a tidal wave. But those are things that are neither life threatening nor unobtainable. I’m grateful that I can have goals to work towards.

So I give you a challenge. Go 30 days with doing a gratitude list (with 5 things on it). Invite others to do it with you. Try to keep it to no repeats. Find out what you have in life and how grateful you are for them. And if nothing else…realize that you are grateful for the little things because your life is full of them and they are making it worthwhile. Even if it is a mechanical pencil you're grateful for.

Christmas

I have my Christmas tree up....I put it up around the 17th of October. In my defense, I put it up because it was new from a friend last Christmas and I wanted to make sure the lights worked. I also hadn't had a tree up for over 5 years so I wasn't sure I had enough decorations. I had every intention of putting it away.


But the lights didn't work completely on the tree and my friend Crawford spent about 45 minutes fooling around with it. I kept telling her I had lights that I would just put up. And I have a good number of ornaments that I think will fill up the tree, but I think I'll need more. That was my ulterior motive really. I wanted new ornaments. And a tree skirt and a tree topper...

In the past, I wanted nothing to do with Christmas for the most part. I loved the shopping for others. I would spend an ungodly amount of money on people. The practice husband was easily a couple of hundred dollars (one year I did $500 – insane and I managed to turn some of our utilities off because of that). But never really did decorations. It was too damn cheery. People were fake and smelled like rum cake. I hated Christmas for the jolly and giving reputation it had. And I couldn’t deal with the crappy and cheap decoration. Too much red and green and gold…tinsel and gingerbread….hot chocolate and candy canes…made me want to puke…mostly because I was just a miserable human being. Merry Fucking Christmas…

So I didn’t decorate and I spent Christmas time trying to figure out how to look like I was enjoying the time with friends and family. A lot of fake smiling.

The last 2 years, I’ve kind of mellowed. I wasn’t really into Christmas but it was a bit easier to be around everyone. I was entertained and somewhat mollified. I actually listened to Christmas music last year. And a transformation happened. I started liking the cheer. I bought a wreath and decorated it. I put it up on my door at the townhouse. I put a little garland on my coffee table and arranged some ornaments decoratively. I listened to Christmas music and sat by the fire. For shits sake….I watched It’s A Wonderful Life….

I guess I came out of my Bah Fucking Humbug mode. Now, I want to put my tree up and decorate it. I’m looking forward to putting up my wreath. I’m actually not sure when I’ll be “allowed” to do that. Maybe Thanksgiving? There are a couple of radio stations here that started playing Christmas music 24x7 November 1 and I think they go to midnight on Christmas. I make fun of them but that is the radio station I listen to when in the car. I haven’t got caught yet!

I think the other part of looking forward to Christmas is that I’m making all my gifts. ALL OF THEM. I have about 18 gifts that I am hoping to make. I need to get my rear in gear because Christmas is only 47 days away. Yes…47. Fuck…I’ve got to do some crafting…

I guess there is an exception to the ALL OF THEM…I have to do something for Mr. Burke. This is hard because we just started seeing each other but I’m making an assumption we’ll be seeing each other at Christmas time. What do you get a guy who has nothing I think he needs but probably doesn’t want? I can’t spend a lot but I need to figure something out. Not sure what I would make…I’d be open to suggestions!

And Christmas is about the birth of Jesus. I know there is a lot of discussion about whether this truly is the birth of Christ or just a shopping holiday. And it comes down to the belief you have in your soul. I know what was done for me. I know what I am blessed to have. I know how much I am loved. So why wouldn’t I want to be of good cheer?

First Big Meet

Burke met the folks this weekend.

I would say that it went well and it would be true to say that everyone seemed to get along.  It did not go well for me...

I started the weekend off with getting no sleep Friday night.  This is not unusual, it happens sometimes with the way my meds work.  But this was a recipe for disaster this weekend.  I was already nervous about Burke coming to my house; due to the difference in our amount of things we own.  I was really nervous about how he would view the place I called home.  I had a lot of stuff and he is very minimalistic.

So that was the first thing I was nervous about this weekend.  Because it was not stressful enough for him to spend the night with me I decided to add meeting my folks to the mix.  Another thing to be nervous about.

The meet went well and everyone liked everybody.  I am getting this information through my folks and Burke because I was totally out of commission.  I had lost contact with reality.

I started vibrating around noon.  I made the decision to take my stimulant that morning regardless of not getting sleep.  Hoping it would help me stay on top of my game.   I didn't think it would have a negative effect but it did.  I was not able to sit still and couldn't manage to regulate my body temperature. I literally paced the house.  Stopping to straighten something or move the kitchen stuff around.  I'd rest for a bit and my mom or pickle would try to talk to me, telling me to relax and just breathe.  I would have liked to have told them to fuck off but I couldn't have completed a sentence at this point.  I kept starring at the clock and fidgeting.

I walked through the day as if I was about 5 steps behind reality.  This is what happens when I am nervous.  And I've been nervous a lot lately.  I shake and get to talking 936 miles a minute.  I definitely go manic.  But I start over analyzing things and worry.  I start hyperventilating and the shakes become all over the body tremors.  In other words, I act like I'm on crack...

He got there and everything was fine....I think they talked about food or something.  Dad did a pretty good job of staying engaged and after about 154 hours...the folks left.  I just about rolled out of my chair...I was exhausted.  Burke did a great job of calming me down and we went on a walk with the dogs.  The cold air helped clear out the cobwebs for a bit.

The primary reason for having Burke come over was that I was having dinner with some friends in my Cube Car Club.  I wanted Burke to go with me.  Mainly because I had always been the odd girl out with the group.  I started the group with one guy and we had a 3rd join shortly afterwards.  We've been trying to find more since.  The two guys always had their wife or kid with them and I was the token single girl.  But not anymore!!! I was bring Burke to show him off. As a side note....we had a new guy show up to the dinner so that brings us to 4!!!!  And right now we have 2 others that are going to try to come to the next one. 

Yes, I know this makes me a dork but I am so happy that we have a car club.  It's exciting to meet new people and hang out with people that I normally might never have met.  I love that I get to plan things since I'm a total planner in life.

But back to the story...I started crashing around 6pm.  We were meeting for dinner at 6 and between having no sleep for about 36 hours and the pressure of Burke meeting friends and family...I about passed out.  I tried to get a kick of sugar before the dinner, hoping that would help me rally up for the dinner but it didn't...

I spent dinner watching the TV in the restaurant and not speaking to anyone. Not out of rudeness but because I kind of tuned everyone out.  I was completely out of it. I think I was asked a question or two but I honestly don't remember what we talked about.  By the time we got the check and went home, I was on fumes...  Got upstairs, in PJ's, meds and gave a small snuggle to Burke, then promptly fell asleep.  It was 8:15pm....I'm a winner!

Burke did awesome with meeting everyone. I wish I could have been able to help guide him and support him through the day. Burke was nervous too but he was stellar that night. Especially since he had to entertain himself after 8pm. He got to entertain himself and I think he got watch a couple of movies. I'm a great girlfriend.  Sorry Burke!!!

I think I'm going to stick with driving to his place or him to mine and watching movies....I don't know that I would live through another Saturday like that!

Horoscope 11/5/10

I think someone actually puts a camera in my house, car and work and then sends me cryptic messages disguised as horoscopes.  Most of the time they are crap and useless, I deleted them right away.  But just enough make me wonder and I think they saw me get dressed today...

Here's my horoscope for the day:

From time to time we all have to take a hard look at our lives to see where we are going. But when you think about your life an inner voice tends to criticize you Shannon. Today you feel that your life is far from being the way you think it should be. Try not listening to this voice or try to prove it wrong.

For some reason, the committee of 12 in my head is telling me to jump ship.  Not just from one thing or another but to jump off the Titanic, you have a better chance of surviving in the freezing cold water...with SHARKS!!!

Have I ever mentioned sharks terrify the shit out of me?  No?  Well, they do.  This picture actually terrifies me.  Makes me what to poop my pants. And I'm not kidding. I can't look directly at it, out of fear.  I refuse to watch Shark Week, it literally makes me cry. 

The biggest thing about this fear is that it is totally irrational.  I live in KANSAS....no sharks in Kansas.  BUT...there might be one in a lake or river.  Any standing body of water.  If I can't see the bottom, my bottom is not getting in it.  Period.  Maybe when I was drinking but not as a sober human being.  If I am close to water, like in a boat or something.  I'm in the middle of boat, away from the sides because those fuckers can LEAP out of the water and take a man down...I want no part of that.  So I tend to just NOT go on the water.  So far, I haven't missed anything.  I don't get 3rd degree sunburns by sitting in a cabin or under a tree.  I don't puke at the end of the day because I've ingested 2 kegs worth of beer.  And I haven't had to compete with other women to show off my tits...overall, I think I have the better afternoon.

I had to take the picture out while I was typing this.  The picture is just too graphic for me.

So back to the point of this horoscope blog that has gone so terribly wrong.  I want to jump ship because it just seems like it would be so much easier then actually doing anything else.  I have a kitchen full of dishes, my craft room is now a small 8th wonder of the world and I have vacuumed 3 times because my bastard dogs are not done shedding yet.  And I have 18 projects I have to get done in the next month and a half.  I have SHIT TO DO....and I am finding myself doing everything but those things. 

I have a group of people coming over tomorrow.  It has been my goal all week to get my house straightened out just enough to actually feel comfortable with them there.  A week....I picked up my living room because Crawford came over last night. I know she wouldn't have cared what it looked like but I was embarrassed.  not embarrassed enough to actually clean. I merely transplanted that stuff to the craft room.  I'm thinking of going and buy hazard tape and putting it across my whole craft room so no one would get hurt if they waded in.

Mr Burke is also coming over (and he'll meet some friend and family - poor guy).  So that means I have to clean upstairs; my bedroom.  .  My bedroom has not had a visitor for awhile so it's been eye opening to see what I have been living like for 3 years.

With all of this said, my house is not really dirty, just disheveled.  I'm not big on cleaning because it's just me.  But, since I'll have company on a more frequent basis, I've got to take a stance now to get it in shape so it's just easier to maintain on a regular basis. I used to be RIGID about cleaning when I was married.  Sunday was the day to clean house and I would take about 4 hours.  But that was a 4 bedroom 2.5 bath house with a semi-finished basement.  And a dog that loses more hair in a week then I do in a year.  She is seriously a shedder.  Sunday was also the day I would go through the house and straighten all the pictures and paintings.  I was trying to channel Martha Stewart...

BUT....I am not a hoarder.

That is a lot of shit.

 



Overgrown

My house has become overgrown.  I've been spending time at Mr Burke's and I swear he has next to nothing.  He's got a few things here and there but overall it's bare. 

In reality, he probably has the completely appropriate amount of things.  I walk into my house and I'm suffocating.  I have things on all my walls.  I have knick knacks on shelves and on coffee tables.  I have a work room that is PACKED.  It can be more organized in that room and I hope it will be eventually but overall, I am a pack rack.

My house is funky, quirky...fun.  I like what I've done with the walls and furniture.  I like my dining room and living room.  I'm getting to a good place in my bedroom.  I can't change kitchen or bathrooms but they are still tastefully decorated. 

It's just that I have something everywhere.  When I first moved in, I had glass tables and couches.  I had nothing on the walls and nothing on the floors.  Very minimalistic and modern.  No one could touch a piece of my furniture...not without cleaning themselves first.  But about 10 months ago, I changed.  I decided to put some pictures on one wall. That was all.  But that kind of wet the whistle.  I decided to put up shelves on another wall....it's packed with little crap.

Then I bought a HUGE picture frame that I put over the fireplace.  I painted it with chalkboard paint and I write in chalk or draw things on it.  I then put pictures in frames IN the frame.  It looks really cool but that's more stuff.

I have rugs down and I really like them.  I have some plants that I haven't destroyed yet on a coffee table that has the obligatory coffee table book on it and then 3 small bird cages.

I have paintings all down my hall and I have pictures of dogs up all over the workroom.

I have a "3rd" bedroom sized storage area that is packed to the rafters.  I'm not kidding.  I don't think I could fit in a 2,000 square foot house comfortably.   I have stuff.

I normally, go through my stuff every 6 months or so and purge.  Like a serious purge.  I don't have sentimental stuff really.  It's just stuff.  So I think I'm going to have to go through my stuff in January and do a purge.  I need to get it under control because I refuse to open my door one day, to a camera man and organizational specialist and they start taping my personal Hoarder's episode.

Plus I think it would be nice to shop for all new stuff.

Negotiating

I am working with an IT company to put together a proposal of services to help support my church. I had interviewed several companies that are local and small enough to make it affordable to the church. My church has NO IT support and earlier this year, when their email server went down, there was no support and they were without email for over 2 weeks. It’s amazing how many people will email the pastors, rather than call. They had to announce it at every service on the weekends. I know if it was my company that would be completely unacceptable. We go down occasionally but it’s an hour or 2….anything more than that and we’re losing thousands every hour. It’s not an option. But we also have 24/7 monitoring and Service Level Agreements in place that make sure that doesn’t happen. But a small church doesn’t have that luxury.

Until now. The proposal is pretty fair in my eyes. I have a few concerns and I’m willing to put together the “list of demands” from everyone else so I can talk to the company about them and see what our options are. I have to admit that I think this is fun. This is what I do but on a much larger scale for my job. And I think that I may impress some of the people from the church because they really are not tech savvy or even business savvy. Running a business and running a church are 2 different things.

So I’ll be negotiating with the company to determine what concessions they’ll make and what we’re willing to pay. I like playing negotiator and keeping a poker face. I, obviously, cannot make decisions for the church but I do get to talk intelligently to this company about my expectations. I like being an adult sometimes.

Having interviewed and recommended this company, I have a pretty good feel for how they do business. I’m impressed. So impressed, actually, that I’m thinking of selling them my services. I think I would be a great addition to their company. They would be able to offer higher level project management and even vendor relations. I think I would be a good match to the company as it’s small and growing. It would enable me to have smaller projects (with smaller budgets) and I can be more one on one with clients. I honestly think a smaller company would be a better fit for me at this point in my career. I’m getting to be a little bit of a small fish in a big pond in my current company. Not that that is bad but I think I work better when I know I’m out performing others. It’s the competition. And I've been with my company almost 11 years.  I don't think there is much of a career path for me because it's my boss then the CIO of the company.  My boss is new, so not going anywhere and I'll never be the CIO because I don't have anengineering background.  So I'm kind of limited.

Of course, there are negatives to this. I’m not sure they can afford me. I can’t really take a reduction at this point. And insurance and such…all things I have perfectly balanced with my current job. So I would potentially lose some money, which I can’t afford. .

But I’m trying to think of a way to send my resume to the owner and sell him the concept of having me work for him. I think I have it thought out and I can just forward the resume and see what happens….but I don’t want to talk over his head but I also want to sound professional and eager. This will probably not happen; the offer of a job. But I think it’s a good start to doing something about needing change. Otherwise, I’m cashing out my 401K, moving to a MUCH cheaper place, going to school and then starting a new career.

And what career?  I have a few ideas but I think they are ideas because they seem fun but probably not profitable.  I'm getting a little of the Peter Pan syndrome.  I'd like to stop being an adult and just play with my toys.

The look of love

I'm not going to excite you with the details but starting to date someone is exciting. I honestly haven't had the pleasure of dating someone for the last 3 years and then 9 years before that.  So technically, I have not had a new relationship for over 12 years.

Unfortunately...it is not like riding a bicycle.  I am learning all over again, what it means to be a partner.

I know some may ask how I went from just meeting and agreeing to be exclusive about 4 days ago; to talking about being a partner.  Nothing in this relationship is normal to me.  But normal to me is sitting in my bedroom watching Netflix on my 15" laptop and the dogs taking up 3 of the 4 corners of my bed...that was normal.

Now, I have to allow for others.  Other's opinion, other's schedule, other's emotions and other's needs.  I don't think I'm going to nail this in a record time. I'm going to fumble at first; and I already have.

I assume that everyone shows emotions my way; the way I feel love (See the 5 Love Languages for pointers...seriously).  I am a demonstrative person. I will touch you, rub your back, make dinner, buy small items...that's how I show love.  I do not say it as regularly as I should because I don't need to hear it regularly.  I typically only say it after someone else has said it and I know that that is what they are looking for; to be told...in those words. Preferably without being prompted

I had a past relationship that required (in my mind) ungodly amount of need to be touched, loved (told) and catered to.  That is my wording...in reality, he probably just asked me to do it non-stop because I was not feeding his need for attention.  He NEEDED that and I chose not to do that. Mainly because he asked for it.

I see the stupidity in it now.  He was actually trying to help me so I could love him the right way.  I chose to ignore that.  The end result was a divorce; and rightly so.

Now...I am not blind to the irony.  Not only does my man have the same first name; but he has a lot of the same needs that the practice husband had...I think God is testing me.

So I don't want to mess this up. I don't have ANY intention in getting married again. That's not an option right now.  But I do want a relationship and that means WORK.  I have to work at being in a relationship and especially in a relationship with someone that has different needs then me.  It's my responsibility to ask what his needs are and to then tell him what I'm willing and able to do.  And not cut corners but step up and be willing.  Willing to do things differently because doing things the same way gets me the same results...heartbroken.  I don't think I can do that again.

And that's another point.  If I were to go into this with all intentions of just holding back a little bit because I'm afraid of getting hurt?  I'm going to fail.  And in order to learn and grow and try love...I have to give it my all.  I can't hold back.

I can wear safety gear to a project site but I've got to get my hands dirty to build anything.

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

This technically should be done on day 25 but I decided to quit doing the last 10 so you're getting the 2 or so that I still wanted to write about.

The reason I believe I am alive today is because of Milo and God.  At the time I would not have said God but looking back, it was always God that kept me alive when I so desperately wanted to be dead.

I know I've talked on here about my bipolar and how it affected me in my 23rd year.  I was miserable and drinking like a hobo.  I was blacking out when drinking but I was also blacking out when I was sober. It was my brain shutting down.  I would sit for hours on my couch and be surprised when I came to that 5 hours had passed. Poor Milo had to go to the bathroom but I was unresponsive.  This was the black period of my life.  If I could describe to you what depth of blackness it was, it wouldn't be enough to give you the idea of what I was experiencing. I just floated in darkness. There was no hope or end in sight. I just existed.

I would not sleep for days. I lived in Independence Missouri at that time and Independence is not known for being a safe place to be out at night, in certain areas. I lived in those areas.  But I would be walking Milo in the middle of the night; places I had no idea where I was. I would come to from a black out and it would be 3 in the morning and I didn't know where I was or how I had gotten there.  Luckily I have a good sense of direction and I ultimately would get us home. Might take me an hour but I would get there.  I can just imagine how tired Milo was after those episodes.

And red rages, God I was so angry. I didn't know at what or how to handle it but I would lash out at everything. Especially Milo.  That dog was put in my life to save it. I do not doubt that.  But the way I treated him was inexcusable. And I will do my part to make that up to him.  I will never forgive myself for it but he has.  He never shied away from me, cringing. He would sit there for a moment and then come over and put his head in my hand and just stand there til I calmed down. The dog was what I needed at the time.  Just writing this has brought back memories and I'm crying over the pain I put him through. I love that dog so much...

But it got hard to breathe. I was having a hard time leaving my apartment. I would call sick into work.  It was getting black all the time.

So I did what I had thought about my whole life. I took a bunch of pills.  What happened next is only what my neighbor told me.  But Milo went crazy. He was barking and scratching at the door.  She said she waited about an hour before she knocked on my door and when I didn't answer, she thought something might be wrong. Milo was going crazy still.  She called the complex and they brought the key over and, well...you can imagine.  Milo knew something was wrong and tried to help; that is the only thing I can think of.  Maybe he really needed to go outside or something but deep down in my heart, I think he saved me.  Milo and God saved me....

I went to the hospital; I'm not smart enough to actually take pills that would have done damage.  But they kept me under observation.  I called my Mom to tell her that they wanted to admit me to the phsyc ward. She thought I would be fine without going into the hospital and in her defense, they didn't understand the despair I was in at that time.  How black my life had gone.  But I wonder what my life would be life if I had gone in...would I have been more stable between 23 and 33?  I'll never know.

Shortly after that, my parents came to Independence (about 2 1/2 hours away from them) and brought me back to their house, where I stayed for awhile and then put the whole thing behind me and pretended nothing happened...until 2007...that's another story.

But Milo is still around.  He's 15 and he is still the love of my life.  He loves me so much, more then I deserve.  He has never cringed from me.  He will do whatever it takes to get in my lap and just lay there. And I will hurt so much when he is gone.  He is the only thing I have ever felt unhinged love for.  I love people in my life but I love Milo like no one else.  It will be a very very sad day in my life but I know he goes on.  I have to believe that God wants him as much as I want him.  And, some day, I get to be with the man of my dreams forever.