I've been saved

Now, I'm not ripping something off here. It was not the "rapture" prophecy that made that sentence cool.  I'm pretty sure I said something about being saved on here before this rapture thing came up today.  So, I'm the original one here.

But I do have to report on my dire situation.  I think people thought I was over exaggerating.  I kind of was but that was until the next day after my post and I realized that I was not fucked as I thought....no, I was SEVERELY TOTALLY COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY fucked.  I literally was struck dumb with what I found the next day.  I actually pulled the contract out and I was speechless.

So I was a little more in trouble then I thought.  And so I caved and I asked my Mom for help.  Which I hate to do.  I hate that I am 36 and she has to come bail me out.  This is where I was saved.

Now, I know we all (maybe its just me) have these things about our Mom's. I hate it when she's right. I hate it when I have to ask for help and I hate it when she doesn't mouth off.  Sounds strange, I know.  But that woman is calm, cool and collected; on average.  Just like everyone, she gets angry and hurt.  She just tends to hold it in.  Never the fighter.  Something I struggle with because I'm mouthy, I try to stay calm but tend to get my hackles raised and I don't have the ability to find money where there just doesn't seem to be.

My Mom has saved our family (both as a unit and as satellite units). We tease her that she is so cheap that she would make a wooden nickel buffalo poop.  We tease her about it a lot.  When, in reality, she has not only coasted her and my Dad through unemployment issues in the past but I probably owe that woman $10K.  She's forgiven most of that and has been nice as to let me make payments on the little amount I have now.  My Mom does that because she loves me.  I frustrate her I'm sure (I know) but she sets those things aside and is my Mom.



So...yes, I've been saved.  But not total good has come from this. I still have money issues.  I've still got bad behaviors.  But the thing that keeps me going is not that I know my Mom will bail me out again but that I've got an ally with her.  She wants me to succeed if for nothing else then to get paid back the couple grand I owe her.  She wants her money!!!!

So....because I'm not good with emotional thank you's (or really anything emotional) I want to express my utter, deepest, grateful and loving gratitude for my Mom Sherri.....

For being there when I was shy about asking questions because I just didn't know things.

Thank you for telling me that I was smart and worthwhile. 

  Thank you for coming over and spending time with me when I was at my lowest

For letting me yell at you and say things that I wish I never said and then letting me come back and apologize

And for all the other thousands of things I have said and done or not said or done....

 

Thanks Mom!

Wild Brain Scheme # 37

So I've been obsessing about this dilemma that I have personally gotten myself into and I'm starting to get past the nasty elephant in the room and have decided that I have to start thinking of ways to get this shit taken care of.  And how did I come to this conclusion?  Well, first, only because I was beating my head against my cheap work desk and bemoaning to the world that I am so very very fucked.  I kind of knew that was the case. It doesn't take a 3 year old to figure what the situation is going to mean.  I still had to get to it through my way of coming to terms with it though and that was to actually do work work.  I'm always looking for ways to get out of working, so I spend a lot of time in my "budget" spreadsheet. I literally spend an hour or more (usually way more) going through my spreadsheet.  Adding things and seeing what that means 3 weeks from now.  I use these numbers in my head when shopping but I always forget what it means 3 weeks from now when I'm buying things.  I just know that I have *this sum of money* available in my spreadsheet and its when I come back to it the next day and enter those receipts that I realize I have fucked myself 3 weeks from now.  I am not an accountant and I have not played one on TV. 

So I did what I have found is an easy way to lose track of 4 hours and that is to put together an excel spreadsheet and work through it that way.  Starting fresh and just carrying over a balance from a certain date.

Tedious? yes 
Time Consuming? yes
Not really facing reality? yes
Waste of time? I don't think so

Now hear me out....I love Microsoft Excel, I know I said that I spend about an hour or so on my budget spreadsheet?  Today was a record maker.  I had three meetings in the morning and 2 meetings in the afternoon.  So not a lot of time to obsess like I wanted to.  So I exercised some seniority pull and skipped some meetings.  Very bad thing to do and I don't recommend it.  I felt guilty for about 9 seconds.  Then I packed up my computer and went home so I could do this without anyone interrupting me.

What I found then surprised the ever loving shit out of me.  This is WAY worse then I thought.  I am really fucked. 

That took some time to sink it.  My mind kept telling me that it was going to be fine.  You can do this or that or something like that and it'll be OK.  Except Excel doesn't lie.  Well, I should say that it's capable of lying if you don't (or do) do the right thing in the program but, well, I"m getting off topic.  Suffice to say that it wasn't Excel that kept popping up in my head telling me it was going to be OK.  It was my need to make things right, to be OK. 

Now, because Excel and sorely underused Paint are my friend...I give you a 2 week period in August 2011.  That is not a mistake but that whole 2 week period, I am running in the red. And I cannot shut any of these things off.  The Gym is not necessary or wanted but I have a contract and I can do nothing about it because it requires money to get out of.  And $13 for a gym is a downright bargain.

I have gone over these numbers so many times that I can pretty much tell you that I am pretty screwed.  Refreshing!

So...I am gathering my better attributes and I am going to formulate a plan.  I have a preliminary idea. And it's one I want some feedback on.  I just need a little time to juggle it around in my head.  But I'm going to rely heavily on all of you and all my other peeps to give me ideas around how to do it better.  I'm not asking for help in terms of them fixing this.  In reality, I need people to tell me if I'm making the right decisions.  Because I don't know if you know this...I don't make good decisions in my personal life.  I stink at it.

Worth Saving?

Do I need saving?  And I don't mean in a JC kind of saving but I guess do I need saving from myself?  I mean, like an intervention.  I've had a "mini" intervention and I like to think that went well.  But when is the next time coming?  I don't want to beg for these things...interventions should never be horrible although many times they are, but I think they should be positive.  What?  You say I'm not a good person and not good person for me to be around?  How can I change for you and do you promise to stick by me?  Then, yes, I think interventions are a good thing.  As long as I approve of what you're going to booby trap me with and that I get to go somewhere for help that serves Crab Legs, orange juice, an assortment of fruits I like and vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce.  Maybe some slight compromise but I would sign off on that. Sure...

So, why talking of interventions?  Mostly because it popped into my head as I was going back over this post and realized I kind of go in and out of topic on this one.  Shocking, I know, but I'm easily distracted and can (read WILL) make bad decisions.  Lately it's mostly around money.  But that, in and of itself, doesn't mean I need to be saved, right?  So what does it take to get saved?  In regards to me?

Ending up in a corner and having no one to go to becuase I need to find the right way of spinning this.  And that is kind of what I am doing here.  I'm testing my angles and possible results. I am always able to get around things without taking responsibility.  At 36....I am not a responsible adult.  And I tend to find myself in really bad situations. But I never go into them with the thought that I should probably run this through someone else or to ask questions that I never think of until after the fact or if someone asks if I thought to ask.  I'm rubbish with things like that.  Maybe because I just assume everything will take care of itself.  But this time, I don't think there is going to be a saving.

I have managed to get myself so far into debt that I'm not going to be able to buy a can of soda until closer to November.  And while I do exaggerate many times, this time is not me exaggerating.  This was all as a result of poor decisions on my part.  I do this all the time.  And I usually get by because I ask for help.  But not this time, because there is no one left to ask.  I have sucked my sources dry.  And even if I hadn't abused them, I would still have to learn my lesson somehow.  And now is as good of time as any.

So, I know I'm resourceful and I can do problem solving and I've already started that.  I have started on the plan of action and I'm going to try to figure out ways to cut money. Some of that means that the loans I have with people (which I am eternally grateful for) are going to go unpaid for a few months.  This is unfair of me and I'm going to make apologies (not promises) and explain to them what I am going to be able to do in the future.

This is a good opportunity for me to recreate my lifestyle into one that is more realistic.  No more Starbucks and no more soda's from the cafeteria (or anywhere really). I'm going to become a pro at grocery shopping and keeping or coming under my budget.  Going places that would 1) allow me to spend money or 2)is not necessary to my budget is going to be cut.  Thus, hopefully, cutting down on my gas budget.  I have so much money budgeted a month for gas and groceries and its going to be interesting to see what I can return to the account for the next month's allocations.  I see this as an adventure not a burden.  Or at least that is how I see it for now.  Give me a weekend (that's about all I have left of soda) and I'll be literally screaming because I'm going through caffeine withdraw.

So, let's hope I learn my lesson and see this as an opportunity to literally change my way of thinking. I'm going to either get this right in my head and have a real life changing moment or I'm going to struggle for the next 6 months and end up alienating friends, family, all my friends on FB and those horrible people at work (their not horrible....maybe this life altering situation will change them in my eyes....I'm not holding out hope) because I have worn out my welcome and they want me to stay at my house and they'll come see me when I have come to my senses.

If you feel like giving me an intervention, my schedule is pretty wide open but don't let that fool you.  I'm sure I'm going to need to start taking reservations before too long.  And there will only be a $20 reservation fee....so book soon.

I'm a proud but hesitant Momma

First and foremost....I humbly, with great regret and shame faced apologize for what I am about to reveal...

Well, actually first I want to say YA!!!!!! for Willow.  She pooped outside this morning.  We've been working on this for the last week and I know that a week is like nothing, its a great accomplishment for us. I don't remember having to potty train my last 2 dogs. I think Milo came trained and I think we kept Sissy in a kennel for about a day and then she was done. Of course there is the occasional accident but it was probably due to the need rather then the spite I thought they did it.  But Willow is older and never trained (I know...the bastards that bred her out are on my list of "I"m going to rough you up if I ever get my superhero powers") <--I'm trying to cut down on the cussing.

So the big deal, that I texted people about and will be posting here is because I feel like we're making so much progress.  She curled up in my lap this morning and fell asleep.  She is really just melting my heart.  There is something I read the other day and that was - Sometimes they Rescue Us....Milo saved my life when I adopted him.  Sammie saved us from having a life with calm and less hair (kidding Sissy) and I think Willow is here to rescue me from slipping into a troubled time again.  She's saving me from myself.  She was totally worth the 90 minute drive and return.  She made it worthwhile for Joe (I think) but whatever she is doing, she is definitely putting love in my heart.

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So, here is the part I'm apologizing for....Willow has about 6 outfits.  She has an adorable trench coat, a nice baby blue sweater, a couple other tops. Just cute....and I have plans to make her some more.  Nothing gaudy or over the top.  No costumes...

So, I formally apologize to every person I have EVER seen and made fun of that clothe or carry their animals.  I am sorry I muttered under my breathe that they were insane or irrational.  I would scoff at those that carry their animals.  I rolled my eyes and told people about them later. I do acknowledge that I ridiculed them afterwards and called them Kick Me Dogs (although I still kind of hold on to that one because I do have to carry Willow down the stairs right now, I will not allow her to yip, jump up on people and just look like they could actually make a field goal if kicked from a distance).

OK....I think I'm done.  I just wanted to get that on the record.  I'm admitting a wrong...I'm getting better.  I'm good for the next 10 or so years before I have to apologize again.

Milo James

I did this for Sammie before she passed and I had every intention of doing this for Milo.  It just didn't seem I had little amount of time.

 Milo was a God send.  I had no intention of having a dog.  My parents had a dog all my life but it was never my dog.

I moved away from my family for my 23rd year.  I honestly can't remember when I moved away and when I moved back.  I know it was over a year but not sure exactly when.

I went to a PetsMart one day with my sis-in-law, for her to get some treats for their dog and that is when I met the love of my life.  He pushed his way into my lap in a ring of other dogs looking for attention.  He literally curled up in my lap.  He took my heart then and I filled out the paperwork immediately for adoption.  Never mind the rental agreement at the apartment complex or my roommate.  I did not discuss this decision with anyone...





The first year was so much fun.  I'd drink and pass out for hours.  Milo would go hungry and thirsty for hours on end.  When I start to drink, I would get angry.  Why was all this on me?  Why did I have to do these things?  So I lash out at Milo and did terrible things to him.  Through it all, he loved me and never shied away from me.  He was a great dog.



Milo and I moved back to live with my parents and I quickly met and married the practice husband.  I think he was a little jealous of my relationship with Milo.  And he had a right to be.  I loved Milo completely, without holding things back.  Not fair to the practice husband because I couldn't do that with him.  Part of the reason for the divorce.

Milo became an old man.  He loved to roll around on his back in the middle of the livingroom.  He would spend an obscene amount of time staring at you if you had something that smelled good (or bad for that matter.)

                     He took to laying in weird places.

But he never changed.  He still loved me and would still bump his head into my lap or under my chin.  He wouldn't move as fast as he used to but he managed to make the jump up and down from the very tall bed I slept in and managed to find his spot on the bed with him at my feet.

His passing has been horrible.  It's only been about 2 weeks and I can't believe he's gone.  I can't believe they are BOTH gone.  After I found out about Willow coming sooner, I started crying. I stood in front of their pictures and cried and talked to them.  I wanted them to know that I was not loving them any less and I definitely did not think she was going to replace them in my heart.  But I was so miserable about sleeping alone and being alone in the house. I hadn't been alone for over 14 years.  I didn't like it.

So, I miss my little man.  I want him back. I would do A LOT if I thought it would bring him back.  But it's not going to happen. I have so little amount of control over that.  So I'm spending my next several years with a new baby.  She'll be a good addition to my life.

To my Female Parental unit

Happy Mother's Day...you've been a mother for over 36 years and are perfecting the art of it.

My Mom has been so awesome over the last several of years.  Not that she hadn't been for the preceding 33; rather, she's hit a rhythm.  I wasn't always the easiest to be around when I was in my early 20's. I tended to run away from things and let others deal with them.  My marriage brought me closer to her but I was still distant.  Something I'm not proud of but it was just what I did.  The end of my marriage skyrocketed my need for my mother.

I went through hell in 3 years and my Mom was always there.  She would come to KC to spend a week with me, then go home to spend a week with my Dad.  She did this for a year or more.  Most of the time it was because we like hanging out and shopping but for several months there it was because she HAD to be there or I was going to crumble.  She put her life on half hold until I was able to be on my own.

Now, she comes over and we spend a lot of time doing things together.  It's my fault when we butt heads; she tries really hard to not do that.  I like to think I'm getting better about that.

Mom has a son who has 3 very lovely daughters and this gives my Mom (and Dad) great pleasure.  I give them dogs and humor.

Happy Mother's Day to my fantastic Mother, a fellow "crafter", a teacher, a learning buddy, thrift shop buddy and an all around giving person.  I'm truly blessed.

Being Sober

Being sober definitely has its advantages.  I find myself in situations that would have baffled me before (I love the word baffled and it is in some of the literature of a 12 step program I got sober in).  I now have enough knowledge that tells me what my actions should be. I have a moral compass that, although not 100% functional, it still gets me where I need to be.

When I first got sober, I had no idea what to do in situations.  I would just muscle through some of them. Since I only paid attention about 1/2 the time the first few months, I would still so the things I used to do when drinking.  But more often then not, as I stayed sober longer, I found the right way to handle things.

And I find myself less interested in my sobriety and all the things I have to do.  But I have dozens of reasons to not drink.  A couple are:

1. I have more money each weekend (although I think I've switched from buying alcohol to just buying tons of other things).
2. I don't forget my debit card and drivers licenses at places and have to retrace my steps to figure out where I left it.
3. I wake up in my bed and usually in the clothes I went to bed in.
4. The corners of my mouth are not ripped because I was puking the night before because I had a theory that I wouldn't have a hangover the next day if I would puke the night before.
5. I can walk into a restaurant and not have to calculate how many drinks I could have before and after eating.
6. I end up where I plan to arrive at the end of the night.
7. If I need help, people are going to answer the phone and quite likely help me.
8. People trust me and actually want to see me.
9. While driving, I am not a danger to people because of being drunk. 
10. I have boundaries for myself and others.
11. I say what I'll do and I do what I say.
12. I have a support system that is only because I have shown up and given back.

But, for me, alcohol was but a symptom.  I drank off and on from 19 to 22.  22 - 25 I drank heavily and with some repercussions.  As I was going through the divorce, I didn't stop drinking for 6 months.  This is when I went through my worst drinking.  But what made me an alcoholic were my character defects. Drinking was just my way of covering it up.  It could have been anything...overeating, narcotics, spending too much.  I do things to make me feel better; take away the pain or confusion.  Buying something makes me feel pretty or happy; just for that small amount of time. It never lasts...just like alcohol.

Working with a 12 step program right as I got sober was the only way I would have gotten sober.  I would have had no chance if I tried to quit on my own.  I know, right now, that if I were to drink, it wouldn't just be one.  Not even if I tried to keep it to just one.  I can't control my drinking. And the urge to drink left me early in recovery but I still struggled with why I was doing that.  That is where the program and all those in it, helped.  How could I point out my flaws? I was blinded to that.  It took others to show me.  And I realized that I was harming others in my life when I thought I was doing them a favor by drinking alone and ostracizing myself from them.

I have no desire to drink and I don't think I will never drink again.  Mainly because I can think of no situation that I may be in the rest of my life that drinking would improve it.  I have no urge or desire to drink.  My Dad stopped drinking, cold turkey, in 1988 and has never drank since.  He's never used a program.  He just has that kind of control over his drinking and I think I'll have the same.  But I can't just expect that to be the case.  I have to be diligent about my desire to never drink again.

Being sober means I have to change the way I do things. I can't lie, cheat, steal.  I can't manipulate things so they go the way I want them to go and to lash out at people because they didn't do what I wanted them to do.  I still do those things but it's fewer and far between.  Sometimes I catch myself doing them and I have to go make amends for what I did.  If I find that I have wronged someone, because I want to stay sober, I go make amends. I swallow my pride and do what is right.

Being sober now means I have to live by principles and that means not resting on my laurels.  Which is easy to do.  I am really good about doing things half assed.  I can even half ass half-assed.  I excel.  But to stay sober AND healthy means I have to do all the work.  And I find myself not doing the work lately. I feel a little burned out.  I know what to do...I'm getting there.

I found God because of being sober. I lived an empty and pointless life before I got sober.  I was lonely and felt worthless.  I now have purpose and a sense of worth.

And being sober has given me a life I never imagined having.  I have friends (both in and out of the program). I have a job that I actually do like although I say I don't. My family loves me and supports me.  If I call them, they don't screen it because I'll be a rambling drunk fool.  I have an empty slate each day and I can make my story.  

I'm so grateful for all of those things.  I just have to remind myself sometimes.

I'm going to be a momma

I'm sure that title is going to make some people take a double look.  I'm even cringing at it.  I am, in no way shape or form, meant to be a mother.  I know this and I'm actually REALLY OK with that.  But I am going to be a momma to a special little dog.

I tend to want things to happen quickly and in the manner I prefer. Its the control freak in me.  I will spend an obscene amount of time manipulating things to get my way and then will throw the biggest hissy fit a 36 year old can throw if I don't get my way. I will punch you in the throat to get my way.

Until today.  I was pressing pretty hard to get help and supplies and ultimately my way and then everything turned to the way I wanted to go and I've kind of freaked out about it.

I have a new dog.  Well, I will tonight....it's 4:30 in the morning so technically today but this started yesterday. I have been looking at petfinder.com for the last week and narrowed it down to a few specific dogs.  I didn't really look at breeds until I narrowed it down a bit and then I expanded my search a bit for that specific breed.  I found quite a few in the area and started contacting the agencies to talk about what I would need to do to start the adoption process.

Do you know how difficult it is to adopt a dog in Kansas City?  Some of the rescue agencies are so strict that I wouldn't qualify.  I'm like the perfect owner but because I don't have a fenced yard....that was a huge deal breaker for these people.  That and have you ever returned a pet to the pound/humane society. I never have but was surprised that it was question #2.

And going through the pound or humane society was full of large dogs.  Sissy Girl was pretty big and I didn't like that.  Milo was even fairly large at 30 pounds.  This time around I was knowingly going in looking for smaller dogs.  Apparently small dogs are in now and so I was having a hard time finding one.

Until I met Ciara.  She's a Boston Terrier (so think smashed face, 12 pounds, black & white and drooling).  I'm sorry but I'm so in love with this dog and I haven't met her.  Just talking to Casey with the rescue group in Warsaw, MO....she's going to be great.  I actually didn't do my norm and just wing it.  I looked at websites.  I read reviews, pros and cons.  I asked people's opinion.  And I listened.

I thought I was going to have to wait a few weeks to get a chance to see her and hopefully bring her home.  I found out that I could do it this weekend and so it because a scheduling matter with Casey and myself.  So around 4:00 yesterday I knew I was getting Ciara at 5:30pm today.

I started shopping as soon as I got home.  I have a kennel, a toy, puppy pads, harness and leash.  I think I'm going to be "that person" and have clothes for her.  She has such a small amount of hair so she can get hot or cold easily.  I'm ashamed to say I have several sweaters and t-shirts for her.  I know, I have to go back and apologize to all the people I poked fun at in the past.  I am honestly apologetic because I am so looking forward to finding shirts for her.  I actually have a few ideas I want to make for her, I just have to look for a pattern.  Some of these clothes are super cheap looking, I think I can do better.

Now, I'm changing Ciara's name to Willow.  I think I'll be OK with getting her switched. Just takes repetition and she'll eventually get it.  I am not fond of the Ciara name and for some reason Willow sounds good to me.

So I think I'm as "puppy" proof as I can be.  I've bought things I think she'll like but I have also made sure to not buy things until I know she wants/needs them.  I'm trying to not throw things at her so she'll like me.  Its either meant to be or not...God will make it right.

But this boils down to one thing and that is at 5:30 tonight I am going to be looked over (by Casey the woman and Ciara the dog), sniffed, promptly sneezed on and then a decision will be made.  I just hope that I'm the one that leaves with a dog.  My heart is really set on Willow.

Ciara's Petfinder.com picture