Fe Fi Fo Fum

I have gotten so fat that I think the earth's axiom shifted a little my direction.  I had to buy clothes this last week because I am not so slowly growing out of the one's I have.  I have managed to gain about 45 pounds in the last 12 months.  I am still about 90 pounds less then I was 4 years ago but I hadn't planned on getting back to the almost plus size clothes.

The HCG diet that I talked about on here before is pretty simple and the results are pretty straight forward.  Back in April I was 110% ready to do this thing.  I was prepared and on a mission.  I lost about 4 pounds in the first 3 days....and then I stopped.  For a good reason in my head but I still stopped.

I'm an emotional eater.  And I tend to gauge my eating amount or types of foods on the emotional reaction I had.  Stubbed a toe...at least a large Frosty from Wendy's.  But full on death of a beloved pet....that was about a 5 day bender on anything that I could think of to stuff in my face at that particular time.  It was immediate need and it would only get worse if I put it off.

At my biggest, I was over 280 pounds.  Now, I wear my fat well, for the most part. I didn't look like I was that heavy but my sizes were getting bigger and bigger. And I stopped caring.  I'm disgusted to show this but here I am in April of 2007.  This was about a month before the divorce.  I was miserable and I definitely looked like it.

Christ on a horse....I look like shit.
Don't ask why I have this picture - creepy coworker!

So now, I'm 45 pounds up and I'd really like to get down those 45 pounds (and then some if possible).  Mostly because I just have so many clothes in my size 12 and I'm comfortably tight in 16's now.  I broke down this weekend and bought some 16 tops. I HATE THAT.... Now, in my defense, I have rather large girls and they need some room.  A lot of tops are a little tight on the top, they like to lay flat.  Good and Plenty take some room and like to breathe.  

So...I'm trying to find the motivation to get back on the wagon.  I know what I need to do...like I said in an older post, it's only 40 days. And the plan is so flippin' easy.  What do I have to bitch about? Other then I can't have soda, candy or chips.  That's what I'm struggling with.  The discipline.  I sorely lack that, not just in food either. <~~shocking I know.

So I just don't know what else I can do to stoke the fire.  I start each Monday with a little white lie....this is the day I'm going to start taking the drops again and stick to the diet.  I was going to do this thing....

Maybe I need some theme song, get me pumped.

Maybe I need to be held accountable for things and have a partner....I'm not sure who that would be but I'm putting up a Wanted ad soon. I can't handle a skinny bitch so I'm hoping for someone that will motivate me.  Maybe my friend Tracy, who so thoughtfully offered.  She's kind of a skinny bitch though....maybe I can start stuffing her face and get her to a more svelte size....make me feel better! (Totally kidding T...you're hot).

So really, the meaning of this post was more frustration on my part.  Shopping for bigger bloody clothes and catching a reflection of me in a window.  I'm chubby and really not feeling pretty good about myself.  And while I feel unmotivated and unwilling, I know that I have it in me to do this thing.  I hope that I don't find myself a week from now, saying the same things.  I hope that I have the momentum to get off my ass and do something.  Because I can not buy bigger clothes.  1 because 95% of plus size clothes are butt ugly and fit horrible and 2 because I refuse to get back to the size I was in April of 2007.   I refuse.