Fe Fi Fo Fum

I have gotten so fat that I think the earth's axiom shifted a little my direction.  I had to buy clothes this last week because I am not so slowly growing out of the one's I have.  I have managed to gain about 45 pounds in the last 12 months.  I am still about 90 pounds less then I was 4 years ago but I hadn't planned on getting back to the almost plus size clothes.

The HCG diet that I talked about on here before is pretty simple and the results are pretty straight forward.  Back in April I was 110% ready to do this thing.  I was prepared and on a mission.  I lost about 4 pounds in the first 3 days....and then I stopped.  For a good reason in my head but I still stopped.

I'm an emotional eater.  And I tend to gauge my eating amount or types of foods on the emotional reaction I had.  Stubbed a toe...at least a large Frosty from Wendy's.  But full on death of a beloved pet....that was about a 5 day bender on anything that I could think of to stuff in my face at that particular time.  It was immediate need and it would only get worse if I put it off.

At my biggest, I was over 280 pounds.  Now, I wear my fat well, for the most part. I didn't look like I was that heavy but my sizes were getting bigger and bigger. And I stopped caring.  I'm disgusted to show this but here I am in April of 2007.  This was about a month before the divorce.  I was miserable and I definitely looked like it.

Christ on a horse....I look like shit.
Don't ask why I have this picture - creepy coworker!

So now, I'm 45 pounds up and I'd really like to get down those 45 pounds (and then some if possible).  Mostly because I just have so many clothes in my size 12 and I'm comfortably tight in 16's now.  I broke down this weekend and bought some 16 tops. I HATE THAT.... Now, in my defense, I have rather large girls and they need some room.  A lot of tops are a little tight on the top, they like to lay flat.  Good and Plenty take some room and like to breathe.  

So...I'm trying to find the motivation to get back on the wagon.  I know what I need to do...like I said in an older post, it's only 40 days. And the plan is so flippin' easy.  What do I have to bitch about? Other then I can't have soda, candy or chips.  That's what I'm struggling with.  The discipline.  I sorely lack that, not just in food either. <~~shocking I know.

So I just don't know what else I can do to stoke the fire.  I start each Monday with a little white lie....this is the day I'm going to start taking the drops again and stick to the diet.  I was going to do this thing....

Maybe I need some theme song, get me pumped.

Maybe I need to be held accountable for things and have a partner....I'm not sure who that would be but I'm putting up a Wanted ad soon. I can't handle a skinny bitch so I'm hoping for someone that will motivate me.  Maybe my friend Tracy, who so thoughtfully offered.  She's kind of a skinny bitch though....maybe I can start stuffing her face and get her to a more svelte size....make me feel better! (Totally kidding T...you're hot).

So really, the meaning of this post was more frustration on my part.  Shopping for bigger bloody clothes and catching a reflection of me in a window.  I'm chubby and really not feeling pretty good about myself.  And while I feel unmotivated and unwilling, I know that I have it in me to do this thing.  I hope that I don't find myself a week from now, saying the same things.  I hope that I have the momentum to get off my ass and do something.  Because I can not buy bigger clothes.  1 because 95% of plus size clothes are butt ugly and fit horrible and 2 because I refuse to get back to the size I was in April of 2007.   I refuse.

Into my own hands

I plan on, single handedly, ending the era of bad muffin tops.  Yes....I can say with authority, that I am going to end this. Or maybe just my circumstance.

Why the perseverance?  Because I saw me from behind today and HOLY SHIT.  I'm a heifer.  I don't know what happened but shame on me for not seeing where my ass and hips and waist and boobs and chin are going.  I had lost contact with them in the last year and I've suddenly become the Pillsbury Dough Girl.

I started the HCG diet back in April but then Milo died and that was not a priority anymore. I just didn't want to cry anymore.  So cooking food that is supposed to be an exact weight, taken with drops of HCG and at certain times? Fuck that...I just wanted to eat and cover up the pain.  That was my excuse.

And that rolled into now...and my muffin top.  Roll in that I'm running out of clothes, each week after I buy good food I'll have to throw it out 2 weeks later, while I'm eating Wendy's Jr Cheeseburger Deluxe.  So I'll go to McDonald's just because for the next 4 days; its convenient.

So what does that mean?  I have to change A LOT of things.  Big thing that this requires, in relation to the HCG diet, is that I have to eat the same thing All The Time. There are several choices in the plan but the only ones I'm going to use is Chicken, Beef and Crab.  Elk, Buffalo, etc....not an option. And you can't have any sauces or condiments. <~~~~~~ That's hard to do when all you have is plain old chicken!!! So I have to buy the food, cook it and eat it....not three things I can do together. At least not in the past.

AND...don't cheat.  No soda, no chocolate, no carbs, etc... you shouldn't work out.  All water, tea and coffee you can drink.  No sugar, just Teva natural sugar. Because it will erase all the good that the diet and HCG is doing.  I figure the less food I'm eating is going to be the big change that I need. And for the week I did it, I wasn't hungry for the most part. It was more that I missed the eating crap then anything else.  I am a huge boredom eater.  If I sit too long, I start looking for things to quench my impulses. Or if I'm upset, or if I'm excited or if I just want to eat one color or if.......

And its not like I have to do this for the rest of my life. It's 40 days.  40 days of 3 citrusy drops a day.  40 days of 2 meals with 3 ozs of meat, a veggie, a fruit and Melba toast. 40 days is all I have to do.  It's all I have to commit to. And it promises that you can lose upwards of 2 pounds a day.... What is there to argue with? It's what got me the first time.  It just seems like it would be too easy.   I just know that I can't seem to commit to something like that because I get bored.  Its only 40 days though!  But I have to do something. I have no willpower but if I can lose 40 pounds or more....its worth not getting a Diet Dr Pepper for 40 days.  And whose to say I won't be "released" from the addiction of sugar that seems to grip me.

                          

Because I don't think I'll ever see this in my lifetime...my motivation is to not see me falling out of my pants again.  

I swear it will be different this time

I’ve never been one for fads. I do fall for them occasionally but I tend to just not get roped in. Mostly because it means some work on my part and I tend to stay away from that. And I never do any research on things. I will buy, join or champion something if I have a friend or co-worker that tells me it works for them. Health be damned. I know that I alarm those in my life every time I get on a kick about something. Sewing, gardening, knitting, etc….I go balls out for something if I think it’s going to change me or make me better. I have a full sized room full of drawers, tables, scissors, fabric, etc because I thought I might try sewing. I will buy everything I can that might pertain to that desire. Now the sewing is sticking. More like the knitting is sticking. I’m enjoying that.




Less on the hobby side is dieting. I joined Weight Watchers a few months ago and promptly stopped doing it after a couple of weeks. I do not have the willpower to do most things. My attention span is about the size of a full grown gnat. But I’m at a place where I have to do something. When I got divorced I was almost 300 pounds. That was a direct result of the marriage not working because I tended to hide behind things. Both of us are emotional eaters and so instead of working on the marriage, we sat and ate. So when I moved into my townhouse and started walking the dogs…I lost weight. It didn’t hurt that I was not eating. In 18 months I lost 120 pounds. Full 60 pounds of that was in the first 6 months. I ended up losing another 20 pounds over the next 18 months. And then in September of 2009 I stopped doing any of the exercising I was doing that was keeping the weight off. So fast forward 20 months and I’ve put 40 of that back on. I’m dangerously close to the limit I put in my head that I could never get over. It’s DANGEROUSLY close. I’m starting to get uncomfortable with my clothes. I get winded easily. My hips are starting to get sore. All things I just cannot allow. So I started Weight Watchers but it was just not something I was going to be able to do.



The last couple of months I’ve been hearing about new diets that seem to be too good to be true. It’s like the thought process that someone has when they hear about a million dollar idea and forget about the issue that it takes more than they are probably able to give. You can’t get rich quick and so the same applies to dieting; you can’t get skinny quick.



Except I have first person endorsements. There are 3 people in my office alone that are doing this new diet and ALL of them are experiencing results. Major results. And, at the time I talked to them the first time, it seemed super easy. But nothing is ever easy.



This diet is called the HCG diet (or Skinny Up!) and is actually hugely difficult. You have a handful (and I mean a handful) meats, veggies, fruits and bread you can eat. You have to watch your calories; you have to take these drops under your tongue. You have to overcome the snack demon and the big man himself…the soda devil. There are instructions that are just contradictive to what society tells you to do to lose weight. But it promises ½ a pound to 2 lost every DAY!!!! And it’s only for 40 days. I’m doing the 30-40 pounds lost in 40 days. 40 pounds is my goal. But it takes a lot of willpower to do this. And money. If this really works, then the money is well spent. I think it’s worth the cost to ensure that I stop the weight from creeping up more each week.





Today is day 3. I made my lunch and ate every bit of it. I know what I’m having for dinner. I know what I’m taking to work for lunch tomorrow….it will probably be cheaper in the long run by having the same things over and over again. I won’t be eating a lot of food so I won’t have to buy all the crap I used to buy.



This is a huge change in my head. Right now I’m fighting the urge to eat. Nothing in particular but something. Preferably sweet and crunch. I’d drink a Diet Mountain Dew right now….probably 3 of them and Diet Mountain Dew is NASTY SHIT. I’d be down in the cafeteria getting a cookie or an ice cream bar. And I’d be throwing back the sugar packed Crystal Light flavor packets to cover up the blandness of water. I’d be full of a sugar high!





But I need this. I’m in a funk and I hate how I look. I’ve got to do something…I’m in my right mind and I am dedicated to this. It’s only 40 days. If I didn’t know people that were doing this, I’d be skeptical too. But results don’t lie.



They say it takes 21 days to break or create a habit. This is for 40 days and I honestly think this is my opportunity to change. Changing my eating habits and how I view food is something I need to do or I’m going to end up at 290 pounds again. I can’t go back to that. This is my opportunity to change, become someone that is fit and eats right and makes good decisions. I just to have to have constant vigilance and keep ahead of the “addiction” and my eye on the results. Imagine me being 40 pounds lighter in 40 days. I’m willing to lose my hair, grow some extra hair elsewhere and have to wear bunion cushions for the rest of my life if I could get back to a weight where I can shop in any store. The weight that makes men give me a second glance and one that teaches me that a 3 oz piece of chicken is really all I need. This is going to be hard. I know that but I want to be smaller and fit harder. And the weight gain fairy is on full watch with me. One of us is going to win and the other is going to have to find something else to do with their time. I’m putting money on me wining. I actually feel a little confident about this….