Where oh Where has the Time Gone

Yesterday marked a milestone for me.  I have lived in my townhouse for 4 years.  That is the longest I have lived in one place in my adult life.  I was in the house with the ex for almost 4 years but was 5 months shy.  I moved here in June of 2007. It looks like I've lived here a lifetime.  My carpets are disgusting but that can't be helped when I've had 2 dogs on them almost 4 years, I have a new dog that is challenged when it comes to keeping her pottying outside.  And then you have the fact that these are carpets meant to be in a dwelling for maybe 2 years. They put the cheapest crap in these things.  So while I won't get my very HEFTY deposit back, I feel like I've put my time in with these things.  I wish I hadn't renewed for another year.

So yes, that means I'll be here 5 years.  That bothers me more then anything else going on in my life.  I guess it makes me feel like I haven't come very far.  Like I've been existing just for the sake of existing.

The fact that I'll be here 5 years in 2012 should be enough to have me start making plans for where I'll live in the 2nd part of 2012.  Maybe that includes buying something, I don't know that I'm ready for that but it might be something I do.  I just know that I can't sign another lease in 2012 for the same place.  It makes me think that my time is going to slip away from me and I'll find myself another 4 years down the line and all I've done is add more stuff to a place that is already overrun with crap.

I have this deck of cards that I bought years ago and never really did anything with them.  I picked them up this week and started going through them.  Its a deck of cards about being empowered as a goddess.  Each day, you pick out a card and what it says is what you meditate on for that day or however long you need.  It has descriptions on the back about the meaning of the chant/saying and that helps you narrow down the scope and allows you to focus on that.  I have a pretty small attention span so these one a day affirmations were kind of cool.

And today's was a good one.  It said, in a nutshell, that I have to be OK with me being self reliant and that I could take care of me.  

And I realized something. I've been waiting for someone to come up and start taking care of me.  I haven't made long term plans because I just assume someone is going to take care of that. 

I've learned to be somewhat self reliant. I bought a car (in all fairness, the ex went with me and pretty much walked me through it), I get regular oil changes, I do my grocery shopping, I get my hair cut...all those things I do on my own. But when it comes to plans in life; even just a vacation for this year; I don't have plans. And I cant expect someone to come in and save me. I've got to be the self reliant person that the deck of cards talks about. It has to be me that gets me organized.  My mom can't come in and save me everything something goes awry.  I've got to be smart enough to do it on my own and also willing to face the consequences when I've done something wrong. I think I'll keep that self reliant card out and make that me daily mantra no matter what the other cards say. I need to be self reliant.

Because no one is running in to save the day.  These 4 years have taught me a lot of things but mainly its beginning to teach me that I can't coast. It means taking matters into my own hands.  And it means doing things different.  I guess that really should say thinking things differently.  I have to be present in my life, not in the day dreams I get caught up in; I get lost in the fantasy and not the facts.

I guess this means I've got to start planning.  I'm not opposed to planning, I love it.  But planning fun things.  What I'm going to do when I turn 40 and I'm living in the same place for 7 years. Those are plans I want to make sure are what I want to achieve, not what I assumed would change when someone took over.  I need to get the future under some control.  Maybe put a plan together that gives me step by step instructions on what my goals are...whatever they may be.  I could look into those goal coaches or find some self help book....I could scourge the Internet to find websites that tell me what I need to do....I could do that but I think we all know what I'll do.  I'll get on my phone and text and email and find out from everyone else what they think my goals should be and then ask them to help me put something together to print off and start to live by them but really I'll end up sticking them in a drawer and then go on with my life.  Assuming someone will come in and take hold of my hand and tell me what to do.  

Something has to change.

They say change starts at home...Gandhi said "become the change you wish to see". The Portuguese say “Change yourself, change your fortunes.” .... then there is John Wooden who says “Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.” ..... and Maria Robinson says “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” 

....Somewhere in there is a plan...I'll get to it when I can.