My mind plays tricks on me

I'm not sure why this happens but I know it's not just me that goes through this.  I know the lyrics to about 80% of the 80's music yet can't remember if I brushed my teeth.  It's like my memory is purging all information that it deems unnecessary.  And why 80's music is not  a shock; I love 80's music. I could play it all day. Which I did when I had satellite radio. I think I had XM satellite about 3 years and I think I changed the station from the 80's on 8 to another stations a handful of times.  And the channel I went to was Christmas music and so that tells you how often I changed.

I had to give up XM because I wasn't branching out to any other music genres.  I think my memory of the 80's music was because I tend to remember stuff put to music. I just absorb it better then written or reading learning.  And I love to listen to music because I love the stories music tells.

You see what happened there?  I forgot the reason for the post and just kind of went in a different direction.  I hate that that happens more often then I'd like.  It happens mostly at work so I look like an idiot when I struggle to answer a question because I either don't remember the conversation or I completely forget to do what it was I was asked to do.

And I try to write things down but I then forget to check my notebook.  I have to put things on my calendar so I can remember to do something but that's only as good as me remembering to put it on the calendar in the first place. So, setting a reminder on my calendar for me to just remind myself if there is something I should be doing.  That seems like overkill but I don't think that is a bad idea or at the least, a good place to start.

Maybe I need to find my own virtual tie a string around my finger. Once I get it in my calendar I'm golden.  I can set reminder alarms and that helps me get it back in my mind and can address. I just need to find a solution that involves figuring out how to remind me to put my notes in the calendar....maybe a reminder every day to put reminders in?  Spend an hour or two each day just going through my notes and see what I have to do.  That's probably going to take more time then necessary but it takes 21 days to  change or create a habit, right?  And it would be nice to have a system that works. Just about everything else in my life is run on spit and shoestrings, why not a cobbled together organizational process.

I haven't exhausted the options for memory enhancements, I haven't done hypnosis or visual cues.  Not that I'm opposed to them but a $1.00 notebook sounds a little more feasible to me.  And it shouldn't take very long to get something in place and just be consistent with it for a month, just to see if I can change a behavior. It does take motivation on my part to follow through but I suck at follow through and consistency.


So maybe that is what I start off with on the calendar.  Remind myself to be consistent, even if that means dismiss the siren on the phone - not snooze.  And as I get better with being consistent, I then start putting things on the calendar to remind me to actually put action items on my calendar and then move my way up to no longer needing the calendar alarm system; I've been able to start working on projects without reminders.  I'm not holding out hope that I'll be perfect but I think I can improve enough to make less work for myself.

OK, see...I kind of like the song albeit it's got a potty mouth.  But it's the video that won me over....My Mind is Playing Tricks on Me by Geto Boys

Cowboy's and Indian's

I may have touched on this briefly but I bought a gun about 4 months ago.  I had shot a gun once, several years before.  I have a picture of me holding it Charlie's Angels style and rocking it.  The gun scared the shit out of me and so I really only shot it a couple of times and gave it back to the ex.  I was not interested in it again until recently.

The ex has a gun and I talked him into going to a shooting range and let me shoot a couple of rounds.  And this time, I enjoyed it.  It was a bigger gun then I think I should have, it was hard to get my hands around, yes.  But it was also a touchy trigger and that scared me.  I was afraid I would kick off a shot just by pointing it away from me. I was a little nervous about that.  So I started thinking about whether or not I really should have a gun.  Try to suss out my motives.  Yes, part of the reason I wanted a gun was because I wanted one.  And I thought it would be cool to have one.  And I thought I might need protection.  This last reason was because I was starting to get nervous being alone.  It's not a good reason, mind you, but it was one of the reasons I started looking.  And I have to admit that I kind of wanted to look bad ass. Not a good reason for sure but I can't lie that it was one of the line items on my want list.

The gun I chose was more centered around price then anything. I knew I wanted a 9mm because of the size of the gun and accuracy.  I went to a gun show and found the Smith&Wesson Sigma. It was in my price range and came with an at least medium review.  Mostly it was around the trigger pressure and how it was really rough.    So I found one that I felt created a bond with me and gave me the ability to be sure I wanted to fire it.  I felt it allowed me to make that conscious decision to fire a weapon.  No accident about it.

And I have to admit that I just like how it looks.  I don't like pistols. I think they look too sissy.  I have heard that pistols are actually a better, more manageable gun.  Bit it looks silly to me and I didn't think anyone would take me seriously and I know from watching all those crime lord shows that the handguns are just cooler.  I like that I can pull back the slide and shut it with the click of the button, you know like they do in movies.  Now...that does not mean I think its cool and should play around with just because I can make it do what I see in movies and make me feel like a bad ass.  But to be honest, acting like a bad ass has a lot to do with it.  Most movies have the "kill shot" move and secretly I think a lot of us think it makes us look cool.  I can honestly say I have not tried that little move with my gun. I'm too sure I'll drop the sucker and shoot my eye out.

Going for the kill shot

There is a shooting range that offers free range fees on Wednesdays to all the ladies.  I usually go at noon so I can get there and back in time and still pop off a couple caps in your ass. But I cram a couple of bullets in the clips and ping off a couple of shots and then go back to work.  Taking me all of 10 minutes.  In talking with one of the guys at the shop, he suggested that I take some classes and at the least, take my time and enjoy the challenge of accuracy,

Although the real challenge is keeping my eyes open; squinting them closed as I pull the trigger.  Little wonder I was hitting the target about every 5th shot.  And never where I was aiming for.  Keeping my eyes open was a challenge.  It's squeezing my eyes shut and then hoping that I actually hit something close to where I thought I looked before shutting them.  I keep my eyes open about 2/3 of the time now.  But it takes a bit for me to figure out eye to aim from and still keep them open.  It'll take time and lots of bullets.

This is one of my best shooting attempts and done early on in my shooting.  I was so excited this day.  I had done nothing different, so I am still not sure how I came to hit 40 odd shots out of 50. That was a great day.

Lately, I can't hit the side of a barn.  I think I'm over thinking things and not breathing and all that crap. I shoot about 10 - 15 rounds and then go home because I refuse to waste more money on bullets when I'm hitting one or two of them. I'm getting frustrated.  So talking to one of the gun guys is going to help, I think.  I just have to take my time.  Slow down and breathe before pulling the trigger.

Now comes the Conceal and Carry.

I'm torn about whether or not to apply for one.  My ex tells me that its a bad idea because I'm more at risk of hurting myself then anything.  I agree with that.  I now that I would probably shoot myself in the foot then try to subdue an on-coming assailant.  

This could totally be me.

I'm actually looking forward to this weekend because I have no plans at all. I am going to knit and felt and I'm going to get caught up on Lost.  I have a scarf that I'm going to finish, start a couple more knit projects and then complete a couple of felted hearts I'm making for a retreat in October.  That's the gist of the weekend.

Instead....I stayed home today and finished the scarf and all the felted hearts.  I watched 2 episodes of Lost and I can honestly say that I am officially bored now. It's not even 8:30pm and I'm bored.  The idea of watching TV bores me.  I don't want to knit right now, it would bore me. And I'm so bored that I would probably put all 3 needles on my felting pen through my pinky finger.

I have no doubt that I'm going to get my second wind tomorrow and press on with pride.  But for tonight, I'm going to send you on your way with my top five songs of all times, in no particular order.

1.  Don't Bring Me Down - ELO

2. Waterloo - ABBA

3. 9 to 5 - Dolly Parton

4.  Far Away - Nickelback

5. Feeling Good - Nina Simone

6. Hurt  Johnny Cash

I'm not an idiot by the way, I do know that I have 6 instead of 5 but I couldn't decide which one to take off...so I give you my 6 favorite songs of all times.  I'm missing the BeeGee's, Garth Brooks, Pink, Adele, Timbaland, Kelly Clarkson and Adagio for Strings.  So many I could just get lost in finding them all in my iTunes, much less list them here for everyone to see.

So, if I stay bored tonight and tomorrow, I might write up a blurb for each of them as to why they are my favorites.  Or not, depends on how bored I really get to be.

Fun exercise tonight.  Great music and put me in a better mood.  Thanks, kids, for listening.

Someone to look up to...

I do have a long list of people's blogs that I follow.  Some are for knitting and others for felting.  A lot are just ones I came across and really liked.  Most of these are on Blogger - like mine.

But I have a hand full of bloggers that I read that are not hosted by a blogging site but have their own websites that they host and manage.  The design and content are solely for them.  And I just have to say that I love one blog in particular.  She actually has MANY blogs that she writes for.  Her Mommy blog, a blog she writes for a sex company, her personal blog and then her blog in the Houston newspaper.

The Bloggess Blog

I really enjoy reading her posts.  And I think she has a great sense of humor. She makes things interesting, even if they are not. She brings a fresh way of telling a story.

So why pimp this?  Because I realize I am probably never going to be able to write like that. I think I'm a decent blogger. I don't write about heavy topics; mostly because I don't want to waste my time talking about topics like politics, baseball, the value of a good cup of coffee and how Top Gun really changed the view of sand volleyball.  I'm pretty sure I'm not going to find that topic in any of the posts I ever write.  But I also don't have a strong viewpoint on things so I can argue with you about them and bully you into thinking what I want you to think.  I honestly am not interested in anything serious that may take up time that would be better used on watching Netflix, running out of money and playing on the computer for hours on end.  I just am not willing to be more engaged in the world around me.

Wow, this actually turned kind of serious for a second.  I need to pull the nose up on this crashing plane.

So my blog for the day is going to be sponsored by the letter A and goes a little something like this...

A is for Apple that's good enough for me
A is for anger; it seems to fuel my daily commute
A is for awesome; I'm pretty sure I'm about 83.7% awesome
A is not for appetite; I don't seem to have one lately (could be good for me!)
A is for ampersand (&); I have one on my shelf (used to be the AND between PB & J <~~long story)
A is for alone; sometimes I love it and sometimes I cry because of it

And so, I close this blog with these deep thoughts...

Don't get bored in the middle of the afternoon and spend hours reading through other people's blogs; trying to compare yourself.  Just be happy with an apple, an ampersand, a little less anger, believe in your awesomeness, making sure that no appetite means your full not that your trying to lose weight and that its OK  being alone every once in a while. I'm pretty good company.


Why I"m going to actually post this blog is beyond me but I just reread and I am a horrible blogger.  I am going to have to step this up a notch if I want to have more then 3 followers...

Fe Fi Fo Fum

I have gotten so fat that I think the earth's axiom shifted a little my direction.  I had to buy clothes this last week because I am not so slowly growing out of the one's I have.  I have managed to gain about 45 pounds in the last 12 months.  I am still about 90 pounds less then I was 4 years ago but I hadn't planned on getting back to the almost plus size clothes.

The HCG diet that I talked about on here before is pretty simple and the results are pretty straight forward.  Back in April I was 110% ready to do this thing.  I was prepared and on a mission.  I lost about 4 pounds in the first 3 days....and then I stopped.  For a good reason in my head but I still stopped.

I'm an emotional eater.  And I tend to gauge my eating amount or types of foods on the emotional reaction I had.  Stubbed a toe...at least a large Frosty from Wendy's.  But full on death of a beloved pet....that was about a 5 day bender on anything that I could think of to stuff in my face at that particular time.  It was immediate need and it would only get worse if I put it off.

At my biggest, I was over 280 pounds.  Now, I wear my fat well, for the most part. I didn't look like I was that heavy but my sizes were getting bigger and bigger. And I stopped caring.  I'm disgusted to show this but here I am in April of 2007.  This was about a month before the divorce.  I was miserable and I definitely looked like it.

Christ on a horse....I look like shit.
Don't ask why I have this picture - creepy coworker!

So now, I'm 45 pounds up and I'd really like to get down those 45 pounds (and then some if possible).  Mostly because I just have so many clothes in my size 12 and I'm comfortably tight in 16's now.  I broke down this weekend and bought some 16 tops. I HATE THAT.... Now, in my defense, I have rather large girls and they need some room.  A lot of tops are a little tight on the top, they like to lay flat.  Good and Plenty take some room and like to breathe.  

So...I'm trying to find the motivation to get back on the wagon.  I know what I need to do...like I said in an older post, it's only 40 days. And the plan is so flippin' easy.  What do I have to bitch about? Other then I can't have soda, candy or chips.  That's what I'm struggling with.  The discipline.  I sorely lack that, not just in food either. <~~shocking I know.

So I just don't know what else I can do to stoke the fire.  I start each Monday with a little white lie....this is the day I'm going to start taking the drops again and stick to the diet.  I was going to do this thing....

Maybe I need some theme song, get me pumped.

Maybe I need to be held accountable for things and have a partner....I'm not sure who that would be but I'm putting up a Wanted ad soon. I can't handle a skinny bitch so I'm hoping for someone that will motivate me.  Maybe my friend Tracy, who so thoughtfully offered.  She's kind of a skinny bitch though....maybe I can start stuffing her face and get her to a more svelte size....make me feel better! (Totally kidding T...you're hot).

So really, the meaning of this post was more frustration on my part.  Shopping for bigger bloody clothes and catching a reflection of me in a window.  I'm chubby and really not feeling pretty good about myself.  And while I feel unmotivated and unwilling, I know that I have it in me to do this thing.  I hope that I don't find myself a week from now, saying the same things.  I hope that I have the momentum to get off my ass and do something.  Because I can not buy bigger clothes.  1 because 95% of plus size clothes are butt ugly and fit horrible and 2 because I refuse to get back to the size I was in April of 2007.   I refuse.

Romance is dead

I don’t think the divorce made me bitter.  I really don’t. I mean, at first I was devastated but I never really got mad about it. I went through the normal stages of loss.  I think it took longer than necessary but that was me, not the people in my life.  I just wasn’t ready to give up some of the feelings that I had.  I liked living in the misery.  I, of course, sought help and got it.  I know that I am a better person for the divorce.  I know that I healed better in the last 4 years then if I tried to get through it sooner.  Maybe not the best way to get over it but it was what I had to do to keep me sane. I’m a slow learner I guess.

So the fact that I don’t think I’m bitter is something I’m telling myself over the last couple of years when it comes to chick flicks.  I honestly cannot handle them. I have not seen some of the major ones that girlfriends talk about.  I don’t think it’s realistic to watch them.  Those situations with those people will never happen in my life.  I’m not blonde, skinny; I do not have flawless skin.  I have the frizziest hair I have ever seen if I grow it out longer then my chin.  I attempt to color my hair to save money and ultimately end up looking like Elvira because I just go dark no matter what color I choose.  I lose and gain weight on a regular basis and I will not be a size 2…maybe a 12 but I would have to starve myself to get lower than that.  And I don’t have the discipline to do that.  So chick flicks are not something I want to invest in.  I just don’t identify with the circumstances or the hijinx that happens when two meet and fall in love and save the planet.

I don’t remember liking chick flicks before the divorce but I also don’t remember hating them.  I was reading chick lit but towards the end that was starting to not work for me.  Unfortunately, I was not living in reality when reading those books and so I had to stop reading them.  I have one book that I still read and will probably keep doing so because it’s really good.  I have one chick flick that I think is great and will keep watching it because it’s really good.  But I have made a conscious decision to not watch movies or read anymore books because I tend to really get into movies and books and I get wrapped up in the stories and I get invested.  When I’m reading, I live as those characters and I start thinking about how I would react in those situations and how I would like it to end. Trying to put myself in that situation.

I have a pretty fierce imagination.  It’s a lifetime of reading to escape or watching a life lived differently than mine.  I have tendencies to day dream when I’m not engaged in work or with people.  I’ve had these scenarios, as I call them, all my life and I run them through my head on a regular basis.  They always change for something I’ve thought of or read that day.  And I run them over and over.  To the point where I sometimes forget where I really am.  If I have a weekend of reading and watching movies, I wake up Monday morning, crashing down to reality.  They are that vivid.  And I am constantly disappointed because I didn’t achieve the outcome I wanted and rehearsed in my head.  I have had to apologize to people in my life because I have voiced my frustration with them or the situation because it did not go the way I needed/wanted/had to have it go only to realize that it was something in my head and not lived outside of that.

And that is what Chick Flicks mean to me; shattered and unrealistic expectations, misunderstanding and heartache.  Why in the world would you put yourself in that situation?  Why put those in your life in those situations?  Women go through life wanting to have the significant others in their life to do the things that the Hollywood Hotties do in those movies and that is unrealistic to put others up against that measuring stick.

Maybe I am bitter….I probably come across as being against romance and true love.  To the contrary….I would love to live a chick flick.  I really would give anything to have a love that defies the odds.  Go to exotic places and be whoo’d.  Have someone tell me how beautiful I am and how I make him lose his breathe because I’m the only thing in the world that would kill him if he lost me.  I would kill to have someone tell me that they adore me, everything about me. I want to hold hands when we walk and I really would give anything to find myself dancing in the kitchen with him because it feels good to be held close.  All these things….I would give anything to have.  But I know that reality kicks in and I’m leaning closer to 40 and I’m no closer to any of those things.  You couldn’t dance in my kitchen, I think my passport is ready to expire and so I couldn’t get to an exotic place and I don’t think I’m a person that someone can adore.

So, while I probably come across as bitter, I really am not.  I probably hold this grudge against the movies and books because I’m trying to make a statement to myself that I’m being realistic and not allowing any kind of hope of romance in.  Maybe I need to watch more movies that are not centered on guns, blood and bad ass costumes.  I enjoy those but they don't actually make me feel sexy or show me ways to entice a husband.  I’m beginning to see where I might have to make some alterations.  I could stand to maybe feel like a woman rather then a bystander to a drive by shooting.

I hope this doesn't come across as a social statement.  It's really not.  I see where my thinking is wrong and that it would behoove me to actually open my mind up to trying new things (not just chick flicks) and to be open to having different outcomes to those I have concocted up in my weird scenarios.  This is probably a whole session (or two) with my therapist....I'll have to forward her the post and see what we can talk about next week!

This sounds like wild rantings of a lunatic.  It really does....crap...but I have a pretty big ego and I'm going to put this out there.  I'm not ranting, I really don't think so.  But I guess I have to look at my motivations around why I'm writing this post.

I've got a whole weekend and Netflix...maybe I'll look into the romance movies and try not to be so scorned. Because I'm really not....I swear.

Where oh Where has the Time Gone

Yesterday marked a milestone for me.  I have lived in my townhouse for 4 years.  That is the longest I have lived in one place in my adult life.  I was in the house with the ex for almost 4 years but was 5 months shy.  I moved here in June of 2007. It looks like I've lived here a lifetime.  My carpets are disgusting but that can't be helped when I've had 2 dogs on them almost 4 years, I have a new dog that is challenged when it comes to keeping her pottying outside.  And then you have the fact that these are carpets meant to be in a dwelling for maybe 2 years. They put the cheapest crap in these things.  So while I won't get my very HEFTY deposit back, I feel like I've put my time in with these things.  I wish I hadn't renewed for another year.

So yes, that means I'll be here 5 years.  That bothers me more then anything else going on in my life.  I guess it makes me feel like I haven't come very far.  Like I've been existing just for the sake of existing.

The fact that I'll be here 5 years in 2012 should be enough to have me start making plans for where I'll live in the 2nd part of 2012.  Maybe that includes buying something, I don't know that I'm ready for that but it might be something I do.  I just know that I can't sign another lease in 2012 for the same place.  It makes me think that my time is going to slip away from me and I'll find myself another 4 years down the line and all I've done is add more stuff to a place that is already overrun with crap.

I have this deck of cards that I bought years ago and never really did anything with them.  I picked them up this week and started going through them.  Its a deck of cards about being empowered as a goddess.  Each day, you pick out a card and what it says is what you meditate on for that day or however long you need.  It has descriptions on the back about the meaning of the chant/saying and that helps you narrow down the scope and allows you to focus on that.  I have a pretty small attention span so these one a day affirmations were kind of cool.

And today's was a good one.  It said, in a nutshell, that I have to be OK with me being self reliant and that I could take care of me.  

And I realized something. I've been waiting for someone to come up and start taking care of me.  I haven't made long term plans because I just assume someone is going to take care of that. 

I've learned to be somewhat self reliant. I bought a car (in all fairness, the ex went with me and pretty much walked me through it), I get regular oil changes, I do my grocery shopping, I get my hair cut...all those things I do on my own. But when it comes to plans in life; even just a vacation for this year; I don't have plans. And I cant expect someone to come in and save me. I've got to be the self reliant person that the deck of cards talks about. It has to be me that gets me organized.  My mom can't come in and save me everything something goes awry.  I've got to be smart enough to do it on my own and also willing to face the consequences when I've done something wrong. I think I'll keep that self reliant card out and make that me daily mantra no matter what the other cards say. I need to be self reliant.

Because no one is running in to save the day.  These 4 years have taught me a lot of things but mainly its beginning to teach me that I can't coast. It means taking matters into my own hands.  And it means doing things different.  I guess that really should say thinking things differently.  I have to be present in my life, not in the day dreams I get caught up in; I get lost in the fantasy and not the facts.

I guess this means I've got to start planning.  I'm not opposed to planning, I love it.  But planning fun things.  What I'm going to do when I turn 40 and I'm living in the same place for 7 years. Those are plans I want to make sure are what I want to achieve, not what I assumed would change when someone took over.  I need to get the future under some control.  Maybe put a plan together that gives me step by step instructions on what my goals are...whatever they may be.  I could look into those goal coaches or find some self help book....I could scourge the Internet to find websites that tell me what I need to do....I could do that but I think we all know what I'll do.  I'll get on my phone and text and email and find out from everyone else what they think my goals should be and then ask them to help me put something together to print off and start to live by them but really I'll end up sticking them in a drawer and then go on with my life.  Assuming someone will come in and take hold of my hand and tell me what to do.  

Something has to change.

They say change starts at home...Gandhi said "become the change you wish to see". The Portuguese say “Change yourself, change your fortunes.” .... then there is John Wooden who says “Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.” ..... and Maria Robinson says “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” 

....Somewhere in there is a plan...I'll get to it when I can.

Into my own hands

I plan on, single handedly, ending the era of bad muffin tops.  Yes....I can say with authority, that I am going to end this. Or maybe just my circumstance.

Why the perseverance?  Because I saw me from behind today and HOLY SHIT.  I'm a heifer.  I don't know what happened but shame on me for not seeing where my ass and hips and waist and boobs and chin are going.  I had lost contact with them in the last year and I've suddenly become the Pillsbury Dough Girl.

I started the HCG diet back in April but then Milo died and that was not a priority anymore. I just didn't want to cry anymore.  So cooking food that is supposed to be an exact weight, taken with drops of HCG and at certain times? Fuck that...I just wanted to eat and cover up the pain.  That was my excuse.

And that rolled into now...and my muffin top.  Roll in that I'm running out of clothes, each week after I buy good food I'll have to throw it out 2 weeks later, while I'm eating Wendy's Jr Cheeseburger Deluxe.  So I'll go to McDonald's just because for the next 4 days; its convenient.

So what does that mean?  I have to change A LOT of things.  Big thing that this requires, in relation to the HCG diet, is that I have to eat the same thing All The Time. There are several choices in the plan but the only ones I'm going to use is Chicken, Beef and Crab.  Elk, Buffalo, etc....not an option. And you can't have any sauces or condiments. <~~~~~~ That's hard to do when all you have is plain old chicken!!! So I have to buy the food, cook it and eat it....not three things I can do together. At least not in the past.

AND...don't cheat.  No soda, no chocolate, no carbs, etc... you shouldn't work out.  All water, tea and coffee you can drink.  No sugar, just Teva natural sugar. Because it will erase all the good that the diet and HCG is doing.  I figure the less food I'm eating is going to be the big change that I need. And for the week I did it, I wasn't hungry for the most part. It was more that I missed the eating crap then anything else.  I am a huge boredom eater.  If I sit too long, I start looking for things to quench my impulses. Or if I'm upset, or if I'm excited or if I just want to eat one color or if.......

And its not like I have to do this for the rest of my life. It's 40 days.  40 days of 3 citrusy drops a day.  40 days of 2 meals with 3 ozs of meat, a veggie, a fruit and Melba toast. 40 days is all I have to do.  It's all I have to commit to. And it promises that you can lose upwards of 2 pounds a day.... What is there to argue with? It's what got me the first time.  It just seems like it would be too easy.   I just know that I can't seem to commit to something like that because I get bored.  Its only 40 days though!  But I have to do something. I have no willpower but if I can lose 40 pounds or more....its worth not getting a Diet Dr Pepper for 40 days.  And whose to say I won't be "released" from the addiction of sugar that seems to grip me.

                          

Because I don't think I'll ever see this in my lifetime...my motivation is to not see me falling out of my pants again.  

Up Up Up in the Air

Memorial Day weekend my in-laws came to town.  I mean ALL the in-laws. They all converged on Joe's house and I was blessed to be able to spend a lot of time with them.  I know, when people divorce they are supposed to move apart and it's unusual to keep in contact with the extended family.  But Joe and I have never been conventional in our lives after the divorce; our lives together yet apart.

One of my sister-in-laws and her husband have hot air balloons.  The first time I met Joe's family was Thanksgiving.  As we were pulling into town Joe noticed the family in a field.  The whole crew was there getting ready to pack the balloon back up.  Not knowing any of these people, I managed to walk over and not talk to anyone. Long story but I managed to meet his father as I knocked his knees out from under him. Great first impression.

Within the last 13 years, I was able to fly one time and crew a bunch of other times.  And its always been fun. A bunch of people walking around, carrying ropes and chutes.  Everyone knew everyone.  It's a great society!

So I got to take my 2nd flight the week of Memorial Da.  For me, it's hard to do because I hate heights but when you get up in the balloon and it's several hundred feet in the air? It's magical.  The pilot, my ex-brother-in-law, has been flying for years...years!!!  And he is good.

So, I wanted to share some of the pictures I took. I get a lot of compliments when I take pictures.  This is something I would really like to delve further into but that takes money.  So, I use my cheapy little digital camera and try to get something good with it.

The other balloon we flew with

I love this picture, we were this low at one point

As we were landing

Flying across the highway

Where we took off from

Re-Plugged

Off Grid 2011

Kennedy Edition

Yeah, so the Off Grid weekend was not stellar. Mostly because I was just so not in the mood. I started off with great intentions but then I had a friend come over Friday night and that kind of put me in the mood to fuck off.  So I watched a movie and then a TV episode and then another.  And, around 9:30 pm...I realized that I was "On the Grid" and loving it.

I went to bed early and slept late.  Which is kind of my MO....and then I kind of did nothing.  I really am not sure what I did on Saturday so its a loss.  Sunday is when I hit my stride.  I finished 3 projects that I had started so very long ago.

Purple Scarf

My new little monster

Felted hearts for gifts to friends

So Sunday was a really productive day of the Off Grid 2011. I kind of got in the groove.

Going into 2012...I'm going to become a little more prepared. Maybe literally unplug things.  Write up a schedule and try to stick to it.  Maybe have a cause or something that keeps me engaged? I don't know.  I just think it's something I'll have to make special so I can make it through and feel like I'm making a difference. Even if it is only in my little world.

I'll start the campaign early next year and see who I can get enrolled in the cause. I hope to have a definition around the campaign so we know why it is we're doing this.  Other then to prove that I can step away from my digital life. What are we unplugging? Our minds or our footprint?

Porn in the worst way

Yes, I said porn.  I'm not too shy to admit that I have seen a few movies. I don't find anything about the ones I've seen to be taking advantage of women (or men in some instances) or even dirty. I'm sure that is because I don't find a lot of things dirty. If someone thinks it up and does it, it's not dirty to them.  If I do something others think is dirty...I'm pretty sure I don't think its dirty.  People need to keep their nosey noses to themselves.  If you don't like it, stop watching/listening/reading it and go take a nap.

Anywhooooo....where was I going with this?  Maybe because some time ago I stumbled onto a free porn site while looking for a different website.  That was enlightening....kind of took my time looking through that one.  I've always been a nosey one...

What the real reason for this post is that I find myself surrounded by the worst sort of porn for this person...a lady at work is thinking about starting to knit and wanted to just go look at yarn; kind of help her get motivated.  I, of course, offered to go with her and well, the rest is history.  Really not history but rather a porn movie with my favorite past-time rolling around on the floor with yarn, needles and many many different "tools" that can be used for pleasure. It involved putting things on and taking some things off.  There was the time that yarn fell and a bunch of it fell out of the cardboard wrap. It kind of got sweaty when we had to bend over so many times to look at all the different things on the shelves...I had to get a bottle of water I was so thirsty....

Came home and looked on YouTube and found a bunch of videos on how to do this, that and the other. Some are hard to see and some are so instructional.  Really a lot to choose from.

I could take this up a notch or two but thought I'd keep it rated PG.  Needless to say, I always get a little excited about what yarn I could use with whatever project I'm thinking about doing.  I really really want to learn more stitches but I haven't been able to pick them up in the book I bought.  I'm going to rewatch some of the video's on YouTube and see what I can find about the seed stitch and the cable stitch.  I have a lot of ideas for those in my life and I better get started now.

Countdown

Here's how this is going to go....

1. I am going to send out one last email to my Mother to assure her that I'm not going to end up in some crack den off Troost Avenue and have a new boyfriend named Wooshie Washington (I have actually seen a person names Wooshie - I'm hoping its a nickname).

2. I have a list of projects and books I'm going to work on or get involved in.  I don't expect I'll get all of them done but I do want at least one project and one book finished.

3.  I have a list of all chores I would like to get done.  Mainly my laundry and dishes.  I'll work on the vacuuming and cleaning my room when I find the time.

4. I have a small supply of chocolate and fruits. Chocolate because Aunt Flo is craving it and fruits because that is the sweetest stuff I'm going to be eating for the next 40 days.

5. Notebooks to write in.  I have this one notebook made out of a music album (ABBA!!!!!) and it's a bit bigger then normal. I've been doodling a lot in it.  I used to have a really hard time doodling. Mainly because I tried too hard to make it look cute....casual too...I never really succeeded.

6. Willow - she is 3,000 times better today. I took her to the vet and have her on some pain meds. She kind of strained her neck (not sure how) and its like I have my puppy back.  Hopefully she'll be on the mend and the next 2 days will be better then before

7. My iPod.  Because I won't open my computer, I have to have music on my iPod. I spent a whole night  getting my iPod updated.  I think I'm going to really like the different music.

8. Energy....I'm actually really looking forward to this.  I want to relax and just be present.  Cuddle with Willow and meditate on what I have in my life.


Now....this could all fall apart around 8:27 tonight.  Turning everything off is going to drive me crazy, I know this.  And its not because I just can't be unplugged, its because I will be totally alone. Something I don't like being anymore.  So this is just as much of a lesson for me to get off the grid but its also going to teach me that being alone is not bad....but if you would like to visit, I think most of you have my address.  Bring a date...we'll get this party jumping. I suspect that this will be in my head all weekend...

Word to your Mother!

Bad Attitude

I’ve decided to have a pity party today. I’m in a foul mood and I’m not sure anyone has the ability to talk me out of that. I’m pissed about things at work. I’m frustrated with Willow and her sudden desire to be anywhere but around me. And I have these feelings of despair that I just can’t keep in check around other people. It’s almost 2:00 and I’ve spent about 94 minutes at my desk throughout the day and I feel really behind at work. I am tired of being upset and unable to manage my attitude around others so I’m going home. I think I’ll be able to work adequately from there. Willow ignores me and I can’t get her to let me pet her so I think I’ll be distraction free.



I really do wish things were easier right now. I’m tired of fighting and scrambling for things. I’d really like it to be calm and productive. Mostly this is my attitude and I know that. But it’s a lot easier to lash out to others and ask for them to fix it. I’m sure my friends are tired of me bitchin’ and moanin’ about crap.



I’m considering going “off grid” this weekend. I did it about a year ago and it was pretty good. I turned off the phone and computer. I even shut the TV off and I think I’m going to try that again. I have books to read and I have tons of projects to do. I just uploaded 300+ songs to my iPod so there can be new music for the weekend. I’ll get groceries Friday after work and then hibernate for 2 days. I really do not think I’m going to an extreme here. I guess it boils down to needing to stay away from people because I’m going to be so miserable that I will probably bring them down. And it is not my intention, at all, to make my friends work to be my friends. I hate that I probably take more than I’ve ever given.



Last year, when I did my first Off Grid, it was a sudden decision and actually weirded several people out. My Mother being one of them. I’ll broach this as a retreat from reality but not because I’m going to hole myself up in an apartment with all the windows closed, blinds shut, lights out and gulping water from the kitchen sink faucet without a glass. I might go a little aboriginal and walk around in the nude, I am running out of clothes to wear.



I think I have better boobs



 Maybe now is the time to start on my HCG diet...I've been putting it off and so now I am at an all time high weight for the last 3 years. This gives me the ability to go without soda for the first couple of days and not threaten and/or actually kill someone because I'm in withdraw. Yeah, this sounds like a good time to do this. I guess I'm going to pull the trigger on this....Off Grid 2011.  You can place your orders for t-shirts now...I'll cut you a deal.

The why of the matter....and then pictures

I was reading one of the other 48 blogs I follow and I found myself yawning through some of them.  I kind of did that snobby thing where I asked myself why the hell did I continue to read these blogs over and over again. Nothing original in them.  They pontificate about this that and the other.  I was tired of reading someones attempt to sound cool or in the know.  Then I asked myself why the hell did I blog about things? I know there has to be people out there reading me (not just the 4 I see) and I have to wonder if I am writing anything original or if I am pontificating about things.

I know for a fact that I didn't start this to make a sensation. At the point of the beginning of this blog, I was only reading one blog.  And that was a blog that I had been reading many years prior to the first post on my blog.  This guy had a lot of followers and was super funny.  He would talk about guy things (like poop etc) and I really enjoyed that. Tells you something about me.  And then things started happening, he was recognized for his blog by People Magazine, he was one of the 100 beautiful people in that year.  And that was fantastic.  Until he stopped blogging because he was writing a book.  I kind of got a little bitter because I had spent some wonderful years slacking off at work so I could read him. Fucker let success go to his head.  Although I am friends with him personally on Facebook and follow his FB page for his book. I still enjoy reading his blog.

So, why do I blog?  I don't really know. I had a great story or two that I thought people might like. Vanity I'm sure.  I've always wanted people to laugh at stuff I say.  I want to bring insight to others...albeit sarcastically.  And I went through a period there where I didn't blog at all. I had so much crappy things to say that I just didn't feel like even opening up over that.

Now, I read a couple of blogs and I am fascinated with how they communicate.  What pose they put around their thoughts.  I don't think I'll ever be like that.  But I think I'm good for a couple poop and fart jokes!

I feel like I should have a theme and I don't have one.  I should be more organized with my thoughts and have really great stories to tell.  I don't put together posts well before I post. I tend to just write what is on my mind and go from there.  So I'm a little disjointed and probably not as entertaining as I think I am.  But it's good therapy for me, it gives me an outlet to get stuff out of my head.  I had that 30 days of posting that would allow me to post something for 30+ days around topics I got from another blogger.  That gave me something to write about.

So I think I"m going to make a more formal approach for this blog.  I think I'm going to give myself an opportunity (not necessarily that I HAVE to do it each week) to talk about something each week.  I'm going to have a picture of the week and give background or comments on it.  And then I'm going to have a day where I post about something I found funny that day.  Not that I am going to post 2 times every week.  That's leaves me with too much of an opportunity to fail.  No, I"m giving myself some structure.  And I am always in need of structure.

Picture of the day:

I have become obsessed about Willow's attitude lately.  She seems withdrawn and almost pouty.  She just isn't herself but I'm being told that I'm over analyzing so I've been keeping it to myself.  But right now, she's upstairs on the bed and I'm downstairs in the livingroom.  In the 3+ weeks I've had her, she hasn't been away from me for more then a minute or two.  Let alone a full level away.  So I'm not sure what is going on. My fear is that I am actually losing my dog.  She's stopped liking me or at least done kissing my ass for saving her.  I now have a dog that elusive and cold....I see the irony in that; I'm elusive and cold.  All I wanted was a dog that was like The Dogs...I'm getting one that doesn't particularly want to be around me.  Awesome!  I'm pouting a bit and I'm a little hurt.  It may be something that changes any day down the road but for the last 5 or 6 days, she's been distant.  But it is what it is...we'll get to a point that she'll be comfortable and so will I. I just need to stop being unreasonable and over obsessive.  That's not helping the matter.

So the picture of the week...I took this picture of Willow the other day and thought it was pretty close to the bat picture.  I have to admit that she's cute but people still think she's "ugly"...either way, I love her.