Fe Fi Fo Fum

I have gotten so fat that I think the earth's axiom shifted a little my direction.  I had to buy clothes this last week because I am not so slowly growing out of the one's I have.  I have managed to gain about 45 pounds in the last 12 months.  I am still about 90 pounds less then I was 4 years ago but I hadn't planned on getting back to the almost plus size clothes.

The HCG diet that I talked about on here before is pretty simple and the results are pretty straight forward.  Back in April I was 110% ready to do this thing.  I was prepared and on a mission.  I lost about 4 pounds in the first 3 days....and then I stopped.  For a good reason in my head but I still stopped.

I'm an emotional eater.  And I tend to gauge my eating amount or types of foods on the emotional reaction I had.  Stubbed a toe...at least a large Frosty from Wendy's.  But full on death of a beloved pet....that was about a 5 day bender on anything that I could think of to stuff in my face at that particular time.  It was immediate need and it would only get worse if I put it off.

At my biggest, I was over 280 pounds.  Now, I wear my fat well, for the most part. I didn't look like I was that heavy but my sizes were getting bigger and bigger. And I stopped caring.  I'm disgusted to show this but here I am in April of 2007.  This was about a month before the divorce.  I was miserable and I definitely looked like it.

Christ on a horse....I look like shit.
Don't ask why I have this picture - creepy coworker!

So now, I'm 45 pounds up and I'd really like to get down those 45 pounds (and then some if possible).  Mostly because I just have so many clothes in my size 12 and I'm comfortably tight in 16's now.  I broke down this weekend and bought some 16 tops. I HATE THAT.... Now, in my defense, I have rather large girls and they need some room.  A lot of tops are a little tight on the top, they like to lay flat.  Good and Plenty take some room and like to breathe.  

So...I'm trying to find the motivation to get back on the wagon.  I know what I need to do...like I said in an older post, it's only 40 days. And the plan is so flippin' easy.  What do I have to bitch about? Other then I can't have soda, candy or chips.  That's what I'm struggling with.  The discipline.  I sorely lack that, not just in food either. <~~shocking I know.

So I just don't know what else I can do to stoke the fire.  I start each Monday with a little white lie....this is the day I'm going to start taking the drops again and stick to the diet.  I was going to do this thing....

Maybe I need some theme song, get me pumped.

Maybe I need to be held accountable for things and have a partner....I'm not sure who that would be but I'm putting up a Wanted ad soon. I can't handle a skinny bitch so I'm hoping for someone that will motivate me.  Maybe my friend Tracy, who so thoughtfully offered.  She's kind of a skinny bitch though....maybe I can start stuffing her face and get her to a more svelte size....make me feel better! (Totally kidding T...you're hot).

So really, the meaning of this post was more frustration on my part.  Shopping for bigger bloody clothes and catching a reflection of me in a window.  I'm chubby and really not feeling pretty good about myself.  And while I feel unmotivated and unwilling, I know that I have it in me to do this thing.  I hope that I don't find myself a week from now, saying the same things.  I hope that I have the momentum to get off my ass and do something.  Because I can not buy bigger clothes.  1 because 95% of plus size clothes are butt ugly and fit horrible and 2 because I refuse to get back to the size I was in April of 2007.   I refuse.

Week 2

I don't know if I was any more productive this week because, looking back, I didn't get that much done.

• Walking
• This last week was better, weather-wise. I managed to do 6.5 miles. I didn't walk yesterday because I was out of town and Milo had a yard to do his business in.  And I didn't do a full mile on Thursday because I was coming down with a cold and wasn't sure I'd make the mile. But 6.5 is pretty good.
• Goals for the next week
• Well, first, my goals for last week were not met.  
• I wanted to get my emails down to a reasonable level and I can tell you that I did not achieve that.  As a matter of fact I managed to increase my emails.  I was out of the office on Friday because of my cold so I'm backed up again.
• I wanted to get through my laundry and I didn't not get to it all.  I was able to put away a few but between getting a cold and being somewhere outside of the house, I didn't get a lot done.
• This coming weeks goals
• I want to go to the gym at least twice next week and at the minimum do 20 minutes of cardio.  This may be somewhat of a challenge since I'm getting over a cold but I think it's doable.
• Emails - I'm going to put this down again because its something that needs to be done.
• Savings
• I did not put anything into savings but I also did not take anything out of savings
• Weight Loss
• I have to admit I'm glad I have a cold. I have no appetite and have lost about 4 pounds.  I realize that will come back when I start to eat again but I'm also hoping that my "habit" of eating all the time will be broke with this cold.  I can only hope
• Activities
• It was my Dad's 65th birthday on the 2nd and I helped plan and execute a surprise birthday party. So I spent most of the day with the parental units.  It was a nice way to spend the day with them and see some of their friends.  They've got a great group of friends.
• I didn't really do much else because I was sick.  But it was kind of nice to just veg.  I'm currently watching season 3 of Ugly Betty.  I had no desire to watch it when it was on TV but for some reason, I like it.  I'm kind of hooked.
• Shot at the Bullet Hole.  Did I tell you that I bought a gun? I think I did but could be wrong.  I did and I'll post about that later.  But I'm trying to go shooting every Wednesday because its free range fees for women. So I've been going for a month or so.  I like going because it's a stress reliever but it's also a way to help me focus on one thing.  And I want to get to a point where I feel comfortable with the gun and able to shoot with accuracy.  But this Wednesday was HORRIBLE.  I keep track of how many bullets I shoot and how many hit the target....I was way off on Wednesday.  But that's OK, it takes time to get used to the guy and then more time to hit with accuracy.
• Chores
• I cleaned the kitchen, dining room and living room.  I started downstairs because that is what people see and I had a few people over and I didn't want to make excuse for why this place looks like a shit hole.

So this last week was a good start.  Not great but a good start.  I'm going to make a point of getting active again.  I really do want to lose some weight.  I'd like to get down to a reasonable size by the end of the summer. I don't think it's unreasonable...

After its all said and done....

I'm not half bad at being a person.  I may not do things the right way or even on time but overall I think I'm holding my own.

I've spent the last couple of days looking at myself and trying to gauge what needs to change.  The winds of change are coming...literally, the weather forecast for Kansas City is, well, mostly cloudy but it's pretty windy out there...

That was a really lame joke....I apologize!

But somethings got to change.  My weight, my motivation, my goals, my desire to have some sort of savings account.  All these things only change because I want them to change.  This is solely on me.  And, really, now you....

I think I'm going to commit to something.....dare I?

I think I'm going to turn this blog into my personal war against myself.  I hate where I am in life and I definitely hate my body.  I'm frustrated with finances and I'm woefully out of touch with my hobbies.  So why not tout that journey back from the abyss in front of all of you?

Now, one of many things is going to happen.  I will forget to post....for like ever...or I will go balls out and post a ton of shit that pertains to nothing.  Deflecting from the fact that I'm not keeping my promise.

Or...this could be big.  Something that holds me accountable to all 4 of you followers.  Which is actually 3, Tracy follows me twice as much so will always be my favorite.  This could become really something for me to use to motivate myself.  That is how I'm going to think of it.  I have the random reader that gets forwarded to my blog that I hope to enrapture and then I know there are more then 3 reading this.  I have at least 4 more I know of...but that's a ton of people to me.  If I know that many people are on the edge of their seat, wanting to know all about this, I'm going to be more inclined to follow through.  I'm trying to hype this up so much that I'll freak out and just go for it.  You may get a post in a few days that says I was under the influence of a Twinkie when typing that post and I hope you forget.


This may grow into something great.  I hope so.

So here is my goal:

1. I am going to post every Sunday about the following items:

• How many miles I did, either at the gym or walking the "Survivor: Overland Park" winner - Milo.
• Listing my goals for the next week
• What I was able to put into savings for that week (even if it was the $2.71 I would spend at QuikTrip
• If I lost any weight for the week.
• How many activities I did that were instead of watching 16 hours of Netflix on a Saturday
• Dishes, vacuuming, and laundry done by Sunday

So....30 day challenge

I want 7 miles a week
I want 2 NEW goals a week
I want $20 in savings a week
I want 2 pounds lost a week
I want one project worked on for 30 minutes a week
I want laundry put away in the closet and dresser


Big things to achieve.  April 22nd is 30 days....can't wait to see what happens.



Forgive me now for any lack of follow through I will probably do.