I spent the last 2 days, sitting in my own head and hating every minute of it. I swear I look like I have all my shit together and I seriously do not. I am spinning my wheels so bad right now that even I don't know what is right and what is wrong. I'm getting wrapped up in things that are taking up my time and I am not doing other things that I truly need to be doing. I guess I feel like I'm a little out of control. Maybe it's the weekend but I don't think I'm doing as well as I would like to think I am.
I'm going to spend this next week really delving into my head and attitude. Lately they have both been crazy and unlike me. I've got some issues to get taken care of and I keep dragging my feet about them.
I have a lot I want to write about but feel like it wouldn't be understood. Not in the sense that you wouldn't understand me but rather I don't feel like I would be able to write it properly to make you understand. My head is so full of just junk...I feel like I'm under this wet wool blanket and I can't find the end of it.
I've got to get in front of someone soon to get this addressed.
I'm going to continue to do the post a day for 30 days; going over the subjects that I outlined here but I need a day or two to get back on track. As much as I'd like to say I'm surprised that I haven't been able to keep to doing it every day...I'm not because I don't know that I've been consistent with anything in my life. Another issue I need to address I guess.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
There are friends that I lost before I got sober. Some were good to go but some where really painful to lose. One was a drinking buddy that would never get over me not drinking. I think she felt like I abandoned her; which I kind of did. She was toxic to be around. But the only reason I was holding onto her for so long was because I didn’t have anyone else. At least no one I thought of. In reality I have 2 very good friends that have been with me for 10 years and are lovely ladies. Both are actually better then lovely…they rock!
Another friend I lost because I was toxic for her. I was spiraling downward so much that she had to get out in order to stay healthy. I totally get that and I respect that. I just wish I could have her back as a friend now because she would be such a blessing in my life. But I ruined those opportunities. And that’s OK. I just have to know that I had to go through what I did to make it to this place and she did what she had to do to get to her place. I miss her though.
There are ex boyfriends that I actually had no problem letting go of. But there are some random guys in there that were never boyfriends but could have potentially been. And really it was more so the way they made me feel about myself that I had a hard time letting go of. Some made me feel gorgeous. Some were slobbering all over themselves and that made me feel sexy. And then there are just the ones that I couldn’t control and those appeal to me. Kind of like I couldn’t get enough of their confidence. It was addictive.
The practice husband was hard to let go of. I didn’t let go of him for several years actually. We called it “being friends” but really we were both living with the ideal us and not wanting to move on. It was more comfortable being comfortable instead of growing up. Which meant growing apart.
I think the biggest thing I didn’t want to let go of was my marriage. At least I didn’t want to let go of the fact that there was someone there that loved me and wanted me and just couldn’t be without me. Of course that was not the case towards the end of the marriage. But I didn’t want to see that. I wanted it to be something else. But it was easy to just gloss that over. I miss having that companionship. Someone to go to dinner with, hang out and watch TV, go for walks…all stuff I do now, just alone. I miss not having to be alone. I don’t want to give up the relationship because I am tired of being alone. Three years and I’m still trying to hold onto something that is so evasive and unhealthy but I don’t want to be alone. God knows, if I just open my hand and let go of it…I’d find that my hand is being held by something else.
Another friend I lost because I was toxic for her. I was spiraling downward so much that she had to get out in order to stay healthy. I totally get that and I respect that. I just wish I could have her back as a friend now because she would be such a blessing in my life. But I ruined those opportunities. And that’s OK. I just have to know that I had to go through what I did to make it to this place and she did what she had to do to get to her place. I miss her though.
There are ex boyfriends that I actually had no problem letting go of. But there are some random guys in there that were never boyfriends but could have potentially been. And really it was more so the way they made me feel about myself that I had a hard time letting go of. Some made me feel gorgeous. Some were slobbering all over themselves and that made me feel sexy. And then there are just the ones that I couldn’t control and those appeal to me. Kind of like I couldn’t get enough of their confidence. It was addictive.
The practice husband was hard to let go of. I didn’t let go of him for several years actually. We called it “being friends” but really we were both living with the ideal us and not wanting to move on. It was more comfortable being comfortable instead of growing up. Which meant growing apart.
I think the biggest thing I didn’t want to let go of was my marriage. At least I didn’t want to let go of the fact that there was someone there that loved me and wanted me and just couldn’t be without me. Of course that was not the case towards the end of the marriage. But I didn’t want to see that. I wanted it to be something else. But it was easy to just gloss that over. I miss having that companionship. Someone to go to dinner with, hang out and watch TV, go for walks…all stuff I do now, just alone. I miss not having to be alone. I don’t want to give up the relationship because I am tired of being alone. Three years and I’m still trying to hold onto something that is so evasive and unhealthy but I don’t want to be alone. God knows, if I just open my hand and let go of it…I’d find that my hand is being held by something else.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Man Legs
In addition to being Bipolar and an alcoholic...I have a syndrome too. I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Which really boils down to me being hairy, fat and infertile. I mean really on all three.
I don't ovulate. Have never, even after thousands of dollars and dozens of treatments. I could not pop out one little egg...BUT, I can pop out a 5 o'clock shadow on my chin in about 5 minutes after plucking. I found hair in places that I swore never was supposed to have hair. I have spent thousands on hair removal...and that shit is not cheap or painless. But I refuse to look like a Russian Fishwife in my mid 30's.
I have not been shaving my legs in the winter on a regular basis. Mostly that is because I am not and have not been seeing anyone for the last 3 years. I did make a conscious effort last summer to keep them shaved every week because I was wearing a lot of dresses but the fall is upon us and I'm growing it out again. And when I say growing it out, I really mean that I shave every 2 weeks or so...
The problem is that I can shave and about the time I'm toweling off, I get goosebumps and all my hard effort is for naught. I have NEVER had the baby smooth legs. I have a constant presence of shadow on my legs. And forget about my thighs...oye!!!!
One year, I went 6 months without shaving. I was actually pretty proud of that fact until my mom saw it. I felt a little like the bearded lady at a circus because she just kind of stared and shook her head. She wanted to get a closer look and touch it, just to see if it was real. I shaved that night. Took me about 20 minutes...maybe I shouldn't be so proud of that....
I would give up a lot of things to ensure that I had baby smooth legs. I truly would do a lot...but I guess I just have to deal with the cards I'm dealt and resign myself to years of shaving. Maybe I could start a trend and bring back the French mentality of not shaving...
I don't ovulate. Have never, even after thousands of dollars and dozens of treatments. I could not pop out one little egg...BUT, I can pop out a 5 o'clock shadow on my chin in about 5 minutes after plucking. I found hair in places that I swore never was supposed to have hair. I have spent thousands on hair removal...and that shit is not cheap or painless. But I refuse to look like a Russian Fishwife in my mid 30's.
I have not been shaving my legs in the winter on a regular basis. Mostly that is because I am not and have not been seeing anyone for the last 3 years. I did make a conscious effort last summer to keep them shaved every week because I was wearing a lot of dresses but the fall is upon us and I'm growing it out again. And when I say growing it out, I really mean that I shave every 2 weeks or so...
The problem is that I can shave and about the time I'm toweling off, I get goosebumps and all my hard effort is for naught. I have NEVER had the baby smooth legs. I have a constant presence of shadow on my legs. And forget about my thighs...oye!!!!
One year, I went 6 months without shaving. I was actually pretty proud of that fact until my mom saw it. I felt a little like the bearded lady at a circus because she just kind of stared and shook her head. She wanted to get a closer look and touch it, just to see if it was real. I shaved that night. Took me about 20 minutes...maybe I shouldn't be so proud of that....
I would give up a lot of things to ensure that I had baby smooth legs. I truly would do a lot...but I guess I just have to deal with the cards I'm dealt and resign myself to years of shaving. Maybe I could start a trend and bring back the French mentality of not shaving...
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
I like to think that I don’t let people make my life hell (I do a good job of that all by myself). If they treat me like shit, I want to wipe them out of my life. I have no use for them. But sometimes I don't have that ability and it's usually someone that I never would have thought would talk to me that way or treats me like that.
I don't know enough about cars to know enough...nor about tires or DVD players or furnaces or air conditioners…I don’t know how to check the air in my tires….stupid stuff I should know. So I feel like I'm treated like a little girl and it irritates me. Cell Phones? Computers? Printers? I'm in IT and those dumb ass gnats try to tell me something I know is not right. Cable Company does it too. One time the cable company tech actually told me that my internet was slow because the cable was bent.....Right.....
And right now it's my boss. He tells me all the time that I'm not building relationships and that I talk too much. He asks me if he needs to bring out his Fisher Price pictures. And I let that happen. Mostly because he snapped at me in front of other people and didn’t apologize. I went to his boss (in tears, which pissed me off more) and told him. His response was to work harder. Yes…work harder. Who the hell works harder to be treated like shit? From then on, I’ve been as polite as possible but that man (my boss) is a dick. He’s all smiles on the outside but his words are pure venom.
But the bad thing is....I don't talk back. I don't tell them that I know they're wrong and this is how I know you're wrong. I just take it like I have no backbone. I feel helpless to stand up for myself in those situations. Until I get backed in a corner…I actually don’t stand up for myself because I don’t think I’m worth fighting for. I don’t think anyone has ever made me feel like I was worth standing up for; probably not for lack of trying. I probably just never thought to let them. I’m pretty independent and the thought of depending on someone to “have my back” is hard for me but to be honestly honest…I just want someone to offer to light the match…I’ll throw it on the car the dick is in…drenched in gasoline.
I don't know enough about cars to know enough...nor about tires or DVD players or furnaces or air conditioners…I don’t know how to check the air in my tires….stupid stuff I should know. So I feel like I'm treated like a little girl and it irritates me. Cell Phones? Computers? Printers? I'm in IT and those dumb ass gnats try to tell me something I know is not right. Cable Company does it too. One time the cable company tech actually told me that my internet was slow because the cable was bent.....Right.....
And right now it's my boss. He tells me all the time that I'm not building relationships and that I talk too much. He asks me if he needs to bring out his Fisher Price pictures. And I let that happen. Mostly because he snapped at me in front of other people and didn’t apologize. I went to his boss (in tears, which pissed me off more) and told him. His response was to work harder. Yes…work harder. Who the hell works harder to be treated like shit? From then on, I’ve been as polite as possible but that man (my boss) is a dick. He’s all smiles on the outside but his words are pure venom.
But the bad thing is....I don't talk back. I don't tell them that I know they're wrong and this is how I know you're wrong. I just take it like I have no backbone. I feel helpless to stand up for myself in those situations. Until I get backed in a corner…I actually don’t stand up for myself because I don’t think I’m worth fighting for. I don’t think anyone has ever made me feel like I was worth standing up for; probably not for lack of trying. I probably just never thought to let them. I’m pretty independent and the thought of depending on someone to “have my back” is hard for me but to be honestly honest…I just want someone to offer to light the match…I’ll throw it on the car the dick is in…drenched in gasoline.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
There are so many people that have helped me over the years, to get to this place and time.
My parents for sacrificing so much of their time and love (and money) to make me safe within my world. For calling me all the time and getting me out of the house. And then just for being my friends too. They truly love me and want me to be safe and happy.
My dog Milo. Milo was with me when I went through my tough time when I was 23. And he's been there for me through the divorce. He is always going to love me and it really is because of him that I"m alive. I so did not want to be alive but I couldn't leave him alone.
My friends in the program. For showing me what a sober way of life looks like. And that I don't have to drink to achieve that life.
The program...for all the promises that it gives me.
My friends outside the program that have stuck through the worst parts with me. Weathered my anger and lying. Only to be there on the other side of the shit storm. They are so patient.
And I guess the one thing that has made me feel like my life was worth living was me. My life is worth living for because I am worth living. I'm not going to be a famous person or filthy rich...but I've got a pretty good life. And so much to look forward to. Why would I want to miss out on anything? Pain or joy...it's a great way to experience things; to be present and willing.
My parents for sacrificing so much of their time and love (and money) to make me safe within my world. For calling me all the time and getting me out of the house. And then just for being my friends too. They truly love me and want me to be safe and happy.
My dog Milo. Milo was with me when I went through my tough time when I was 23. And he's been there for me through the divorce. He is always going to love me and it really is because of him that I"m alive. I so did not want to be alive but I couldn't leave him alone.
My friends in the program. For showing me what a sober way of life looks like. And that I don't have to drink to achieve that life.
The program...for all the promises that it gives me.
My friends outside the program that have stuck through the worst parts with me. Weathered my anger and lying. Only to be there on the other side of the shit storm. They are so patient.
And I guess the one thing that has made me feel like my life was worth living was me. My life is worth living for because I am worth living. I'm not going to be a famous person or filthy rich...but I've got a pretty good life. And so much to look forward to. Why would I want to miss out on anything? Pain or joy...it's a great way to experience things; to be present and willing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)