Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

I knew I wasn't going to be able to do this everyday...sorry guys. Just got busy yesterday.

Unrealistically, I hope I never lose a loved one, that I'll never lose a job or a limb.  But I guess my real hope is that I hope I never lose my desire to live my life.  For so many years, I had zero desire to love, laugh or live.  I just was in so much pain being me that I truly hoped to die...anytime.  If I had an guts it would have been long ago.

But now I hope that I never go back to the way I used to be before I came in the program. That I have to think about all the ways to kill myself.  How I was hoping that it would just happen randomly. I never thought about what it would do to others, I just wanted to stop feeling pain.  To stop being so sad.

I hope I never have to lose my sense of self and what an amazing thing it is to be able to just breathe.  If that is my only job in life (to breathe) then I'm going to do my absolute best to continue to do what my higher power wants from me.

I just have to listen to him and wait for instructions.  I hope I'm listening...

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

I hope that I find the strength to be present in my life and stop thinking about all the things that I think are missing. Stop putting up barriers in my life that just keep me from experiencing the truth of the my life.  I'd like to be able to trust and love first and not automatically assume that everyone is out to get me.  I'd like to be fearless in the face of uncertainty.

I hope to find the courage to continue to try new things, to be open to others and I hope that I never lose that conscious contact with my higher power.  I hope that I am willing to continue to learn and grow from my program but also to learn and grow with those in my life that mean everything to me.

I hope that I come to understand what it means to truly love something.  To put all my faith and love into something without fear of rejection.  To know that I had given my all and that it's just good enough...not perfect but good enough.

I guess it boils down to I hope that I continue to be willing to do things differently because, on my own....I'm not capable of giving myself a life that I really do deserve and one that is worth hoping that it'll continue.

I'm a heathen

I have the body of Christ stuck in my teeth.

Tonight, sitting in church, I had to step out to go to the bathroom because I was afraid I was going to be struck down by lightening.  All I could think about was what a bad Christian I am because I made myself laugh out loud when I thought this.

Sorry J.C.

I love my Church.  It's contemporary and I can wear jeans. I tend to go Saturday nights because I don't want to have to compete for seating with all the polished people in Cupcake County that attend the church on Sunday mornings.  

I think that the reason I like my church is that they don't necessarily expect much from me and this works to their advantage because it makes me want to help them more.  

My church does not have any official form of IT support.  That drives me crazy so I, of course, have spent the last month putting together a plan for them and interviewing companies that I would recommend hiring for support.  I am putting together a disaster recovery plan for them so they will be prepared next time their servers go down.  And I just hope to God that they decide to actually do something. 

Kind of makes me feel wanted, that they need someone to help them. But then again, I feel like its an opportunity for me to get involved and bossy.  This is prime example of when I could take advantage of the situation and get it so people really relied on me.  Instead, I want to be able to help when needed (not when I think they need it) and be willing to sit a round out when they decide to do something different.  

It's all about growth...

Except when I get the urge to snort communion wine out my nose.  That's just gross.

For the record, I drink the grape juice...

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for

I have to forgive a lot of people in my life for the times I feel like they did not fight for me.  The times that I brought grievances to them and all my hurt and anger and they did nothing.  But after almost 3 years of being sober...there is not a lot of people that I feel I need to forgive.  I can't change what happened and I can't hold those resentments without it harming me.  So I had to change, not them nor the events.

Forgiveness can be very powerful.   I can't walk through life without forgiving people because then I'll be walking about with that soreness on my heart and that starts to hurt. I don't do well with pain so my tendencies would be to drink to oblivion.  And that is just not an option anymore.  So forgiveness is essential to my program.

Imagine walking through your life with the knowledge that not only am I capable of forgiveness...but that the forgiveness from others is just as much of a reality.  You just have to live your life as though you were an ideal you....no one can stay upset with someone that has serenity in their life and doesn't like to stir the pot.  Be an example to those in your life.  Teach them through your actions.

Forgiveness is the key to serenity.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I have to forgive myself for all the wasted years I feel that I lost due to not being willing. This goes back to yesterday's thing about what I love most about myself. That was how willing I’ve become. Because I was not willing before and I really cut myself off from other people and experiences. Different movies and music. Finding a person that I could connect with (not just men relationships but any relationships). I lost out on a lot of experiences that could have molded me into a better person. Or least in a better place in my life. All because I wasn’t willing to take that risk and get to know people. I couldn’t risk the fact that I could have been hurt but just to think about what I would have gained. That is what keeps me angry at myself.  I hate that I looked the other way because it was easier then actually working at something. I just assumed things would come to me when/if I needed them. Instead of working at things, I half assed it.  I actually can half ass half assing...

So forgiveness is coming slowly.  I find myself more calm with situations that used to baffle me.  It's easier to give myself a break when I start berating myself for not doing something right.  I'm human and make mistakes.  That's probably the biggest thing actually...the forgiveness for not being perfect.  I'm never going to be perfect and to try to live up to that standard is not possible nor realistic.  My expectations are that I can achieve it and if I don't...I'm a piece of shit.  Well, I'm not a piece of shit.  I'm a pretty decent human being that is never going to be perfect. And that is really all I can, or even should, ask for.

Making mistakes is what brings out the biggest achievements sometimes.  I have to remember that I'm not perfect and that doesn't make me a bad person. It makes me like everyone else.