C is for Cat

In theory, cats are cool.  They are supposed to look cuddly and cute when they are kittens. They bat little balls around, get the munchies after a session with the cat nip and they lounge around in the sun.  Like I said, in theory...cool.

I have had cats with my family off and on.  Not a one of them has ever bit me or scratched me.  They were never cuddly or cute though.  I don't know if we got them older or if we just got the cats that were born old. I like to think we got the kind of cats that just didn't give a shit...

Stephen King's Cat's Eye freaked me the fuck out....although it was not the cat that was the one stealing Drew Barrymore's breath, it built it up so much before the end that I honestly was concerned for my life that night.

 Who wouldn't find this terrifying?

But what sealed it for me, later in life, were the Michael's.  I was probably 13 or 14 when I started babysitting for them.  I can't remember the snot factory's name but I remember the introduction they gave me to Satan.  I shit you not, they named their cat Satan....

First introduction to the boy went really well.  He came to me right away, he laughed when I played with him...all things good parents want to see.  I thought I had the job.

After a bit, we went to the kitchen to talk about logistics (yes, even then I was a planner).  They gave me a coke and a list of numbers I would need.  All the typical things...This is where the remotes are, the boy likes his blankie at this time, don't let him stay up and here is where all the candy is. We'll need you here tomorrow at 6.  Great...

Oh and we have a cat.  He's in the basement.  He gets a little weird (yes, their word) around people.  His name is Satan and we tend to keep him away from visitors because he'll attack them.  I wanted this gig so bad that I told them that it wasn't a problem.  I think I kind of glazed over that last part.

So, this is how cat's are terrifying.  I didn't see the cat for the next 3 babysitting jobs.  I could hear it, at the top of the basement stairs.  I'm pretty sure I heard it call my name a couple of times or at least talked about stealing my breath from me. But I never saw it. Until I saw it.

One night I showed up to babysit and I came in and took off my coat and the next thing I know, I am shrieking like a banshee and running laps around the couch because the fucking cat was trying to snuff me in front of the baby.  The adults quickly wrestled Satan into a choke hold and threw him down the stairs and shut the basement door.  I was going to pass out from lack of breathing. Little shit was already one up on me.  He did some recognizance work and knew I was weak...mother fucker.

I was less inclined to babysit but the Michael's knew they had to pay premium before the rumor mill started and they couldn't get anyone to sit.  So I went back a couple more times and everything went well.

So I got cocky.  I thought, what can a cat do to me?  I'm like 5'3"....I could do things to this cat that he ain't never seen...Now I wasn't willing to get crazy and let the demon out....no, I started slipping things under the door...toothpicks because I know they like to chase things but I was really hoping to poke it's eye out.  I would take a sheet of paper and move it around, going for the kill cut on the throat.  I would throw pepper under the door to make it sneeze it's brains out.  So you can see we hadn't really bonded. *public service announcement...the cat wasn't in any danger*

Then it happened...At the next babysitting gig, I was outside with the boy, we were playing in the garage and driveway. Probably 4 or 5 pm.  This was in Wisconsin so I can only assume it was summer because 4 or 5pm during the winter is both black outside and unbelievably cold.  The Michael's aren't due back for a couple of hours so I thought we could spend quite a bit of time outside, running the energy out of the boy, subduing him for the rest of the evening.

I went to go inside and grab a soda and didn't make it across the threshold.  Satan was elegantly poised at the top of the basement stairs, door nudged open just enough to drag his carcass through it.  Fuck.

I don't know another time in my life that I have moved faster then I did jumping back and swinging the garage door closed.  I literally don't think I blinked in that time period.  I couldn't be sure but I thought I heard a bump against the garage door, as though he had launched himself towards me.  Cat like reflexes has nothing on a terrified Shannon.

At this point, I started scrolling through my mind, the best actions going forward.  I could call the Michael's...wait, it was 1988 and there were no cell phones in my family.  Plus the numbers where all inside.  I couldn't remember when they were supposed to be home.  I thought about just shoving the boy through the door and going home.  But, instead, I got more toys out and let the boy play til his parents came home. Which was not in an hour or two. 

They were very understanding and apologetic.  There was a lot of back and forth but the damage had been done and there was not going to be anymore babysitting for the boy.  I wasn't that upset.

But from then on, cats are Satan.  They scare me, the way they stare at you.  Calculating little fucks.  I know they are going through scenarios in their mind for ways to approach you as though innocent. Only to climb you and scratch your eyes out.  Cat Scratch Fever

Did you know that it's possible to get this from cats? Why would you want to know a cat?

Cat scratch disease is an infection caused by bacteria known as Bartonella henselae.Although about 40% of cats carry the bacteria in their saliva at some point in their lives, cats that carry Bartonella henselae do not themselves show any signs of illness. Most people contract the disease after being scratched or bitten by a cat.

Since these bacteria may also be present on cat fur, it is possible to contract the disease from petting a cat and then rubbing your eyes. Kittens are more likely than older cats to carry the bacteria and to transmit the infection to humans. Sometimes people who get cat scratch disease do not recall ever being scratched or bitten by a cat.

Sometimes people do not recall ever being scratched or bitten by a cat? Why the hell not?  I remember every move a cat makes in my general vicinity.  This propaganda is just what cats want you to think. 

All of that back story to say this, Burke has cats...they're nice.  

They don't scratch or measure you up for ways to shit in your mouth.  They will perch on my lap for hours, if I let them.  If I'm not looking at them, they'll lightly tap my leg or arm.  Purely to remind me that they are there and that they'll wait for me to open my lap up.  The tapping freaks me out a bit because they'll do that to me not just when I'm on the couch but in bed.  Getting a light tap on your face, while sleeping, is a little unnerving.  Gives me goose bumps every time.  But this is because Burke told me that they sometimes will sit on his chest at night and wake him up.  Can you see why this makes me nervous about them?  It's Cat's Eye being played out in real life!  And to their credit, the only time they have scratched me was when they got spooked and jumped off my lap and their back claws dug in.  No damage, just surprised me.  All 3 of them are very nicely mannered.  But I get the feeling like someone is looking at me and I'll glance down and one of them truly is staring at me.  I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt that it's a nice "hey, go sit down so I can snuggle with you" look instead of Satan reincarnate and back to do some damage.  I don't think Burke's cats are capable of that, I really don't.

But I still don't like cats.