Tuesday, August 24, 2010
What's your name?
Whenever I’m presented with something new, I feel the urge to name it. I’m not talking about giving it a whole new scientific name. Rather, a friendlier name. And this goes for people too. I’m not sure what the urge to name things comes from. Maybe my lack of friends growing up and so I feel like I have to create this intimacy between myself and this new thing. Making a connection that is unique. I have this terminal disease. I’m terminally unique. I totally want to be different than anyone else. I don’t want you to be like me because then I’m like everyone else and I have nothing really to make people want to be around me.
But this sometimes backfires on me when I find a name I like and I want to use it all the time. Like Sissy. My girl dog is Sammie but I typically call her Sissy. Mostly because my ex-husband didn’t like it and I liked needling him whenever possible. For that matter, I like needling most people. I think it’s the sarcastic side of me. I like poking fun because then they know that 1) I’m funny, 2) that I can figure people’s buttons and 3) that they know that I affectionately love to play with their emotions. All this sounded good in my head but on paper it looks like I mentally abuse those in my life….I guess I should discuss this with my therapist.
I know I’ve said this before but my dating life has been…well, spectacularly boring. I go through times when I’m having a lot of first dates (never more then 2) and then I have a really long dry spell. Right now, I’m going through a bountiful time. I have actually been on 3 dates with one guy (but didn’t go any further) and a lot of first dates too. There is another story in this that I’ll eventually get around to typing up but suffice it to say, I’m learning a lot about being rejected…and using dating services may not be the way to go…
But when I start talking to a guy, I need to name him. There was one guy that I was talking to that ABSOLUTELY needed to be renamed because he had the same name as my ex. Ironically…the most painful word in the world after the divorce was his name and I suddenly was surrounded with guys, all with that name. I swear it was God playing dirty…and it’s only taken 3 years to get over that.
Maybe it’s because I always wanted a nickname. I had one in high school, it was Ken-Ken. I loved that people called me Ken-Ken instead of Shannon. I think that is because I have never liked my name. I wanted to be a Molly or Maggie. I wanted to be a Katie…something shorter than their original name…hmmm…I never really thought about that but I really wanted a shorter name. I have always preferred to be called Shan. I have signed everything I think I’ve ever written with Shan. Even checks. I sign in websites with Shan Kennedy. But no one has ever really called me that. I finally said something to my Mom once about being called Shan and she now calls me Shan more. I think the need for a shorter name started because there was only 6 spots on tests and research forms for first name and so I was always Shanno…
But it goes for other people too. I’ve named one of my girlfriends “Pickle”. I love calling people pickle because it’s a line out of one of my favorite movies (Shaun of the Dead – “Hello Pickle!”). But because I’ve used it with one friend, I can’t use it with another. So I find myself running out of names. One friend told me her preference for a nickname and I am ALL OVER THAT!!! I’ll make a point of saying her name when we’re together. Because, if you think about it you don’t say a person’s name when you are with them. It’s typical for you to say “Hey, look at this” or “Dude, this is awesome” or maybe “Holy Shit you are hot” (that happens to me all the time!). But you very rarely say “Derek, I would like you to look at this. It is awesome. And yes, you can say I’m hot; as long as you call me Shan”.
I have to name objects too. Or at least assign them genders. My car is QBert but is a girl car. My old car was a man and was called Jinxed (long story behind that one). My alarm clock is a female; as is my computer. My couches are male and so is my workbench (that one is kind of obvious). But I don’t name every little thing…it’s just big things in my life.
People are given nicknames more than actual names. There’s been The Chief, Chuckles, Bear, Champ, Grumpy and Boss. I have to wonder if I name these people because I don’t want to deal with really knowing who they are. By calling them their name, I’m giving them power over me? Not like the Aboriginal tribe where taking their picture will take their soul away and hence their power. But that these people will actually start to mean something to me. Which has me wondering if I’m ready to actually let people in? I’ve spent the last 3 years “finding myself” (so cliche!!!) and I honestly think that I’m ready to get involved with people again. And I’m not just talking about dating. I’m talking about being around people that I want to really know. And for them to really know me. This is yet another topic that I should discuss with my therapist. I don’t know what I’ve been doing with her for this long and not touching on these subjects.
So, if I call you by something different then your God given name, it’s out of affection and not because I have totally forgotten your name. At least not all the time.
But this sometimes backfires on me when I find a name I like and I want to use it all the time. Like Sissy. My girl dog is Sammie but I typically call her Sissy. Mostly because my ex-husband didn’t like it and I liked needling him whenever possible. For that matter, I like needling most people. I think it’s the sarcastic side of me. I like poking fun because then they know that 1) I’m funny, 2) that I can figure people’s buttons and 3) that they know that I affectionately love to play with their emotions. All this sounded good in my head but on paper it looks like I mentally abuse those in my life….I guess I should discuss this with my therapist.
I know I’ve said this before but my dating life has been…well, spectacularly boring. I go through times when I’m having a lot of first dates (never more then 2) and then I have a really long dry spell. Right now, I’m going through a bountiful time. I have actually been on 3 dates with one guy (but didn’t go any further) and a lot of first dates too. There is another story in this that I’ll eventually get around to typing up but suffice it to say, I’m learning a lot about being rejected…and using dating services may not be the way to go…
But when I start talking to a guy, I need to name him. There was one guy that I was talking to that ABSOLUTELY needed to be renamed because he had the same name as my ex. Ironically…the most painful word in the world after the divorce was his name and I suddenly was surrounded with guys, all with that name. I swear it was God playing dirty…and it’s only taken 3 years to get over that.
Maybe it’s because I always wanted a nickname. I had one in high school, it was Ken-Ken. I loved that people called me Ken-Ken instead of Shannon. I think that is because I have never liked my name. I wanted to be a Molly or Maggie. I wanted to be a Katie…something shorter than their original name…hmmm…I never really thought about that but I really wanted a shorter name. I have always preferred to be called Shan. I have signed everything I think I’ve ever written with Shan. Even checks. I sign in websites with Shan Kennedy. But no one has ever really called me that. I finally said something to my Mom once about being called Shan and she now calls me Shan more. I think the need for a shorter name started because there was only 6 spots on tests and research forms for first name and so I was always Shanno…
But it goes for other people too. I’ve named one of my girlfriends “Pickle”. I love calling people pickle because it’s a line out of one of my favorite movies (Shaun of the Dead – “Hello Pickle!”). But because I’ve used it with one friend, I can’t use it with another. So I find myself running out of names. One friend told me her preference for a nickname and I am ALL OVER THAT!!! I’ll make a point of saying her name when we’re together. Because, if you think about it you don’t say a person’s name when you are with them. It’s typical for you to say “Hey, look at this” or “Dude, this is awesome” or maybe “Holy Shit you are hot” (that happens to me all the time!). But you very rarely say “Derek, I would like you to look at this. It is awesome. And yes, you can say I’m hot; as long as you call me Shan”.
I have to name objects too. Or at least assign them genders. My car is QBert but is a girl car. My old car was a man and was called Jinxed (long story behind that one). My alarm clock is a female; as is my computer. My couches are male and so is my workbench (that one is kind of obvious). But I don’t name every little thing…it’s just big things in my life.
People are given nicknames more than actual names. There’s been The Chief, Chuckles, Bear, Champ, Grumpy and Boss. I have to wonder if I name these people because I don’t want to deal with really knowing who they are. By calling them their name, I’m giving them power over me? Not like the Aboriginal tribe where taking their picture will take their soul away and hence their power. But that these people will actually start to mean something to me. Which has me wondering if I’m ready to actually let people in? I’ve spent the last 3 years “finding myself” (so cliche!!!) and I honestly think that I’m ready to get involved with people again. And I’m not just talking about dating. I’m talking about being around people that I want to really know. And for them to really know me. This is yet another topic that I should discuss with my therapist. I don’t know what I’ve been doing with her for this long and not touching on these subjects.
So, if I call you by something different then your God given name, it’s out of affection and not because I have totally forgotten your name. At least not all the time.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Big ass spider
There is a big ass spider outside my door. I am PETRIFIED of spiders. You will never see someone move so fast then when I see a spider. I'll throw little children in front of me if I have to. That shit ain't cool. And they have to die. No catch and release....fuckers should be smashed flat. And I really do not like the idea of spider gunk on any surface and I'm not willing to pick up dead spiders any more then live ones. But they have to die other wise they'll come back and bring the angry black spider with them to finish the fight.
But I digress...the one outside my door is one of those garden spiders that are freakishly big but everyone says they are great for bugs. And I have to agree. My front door has no bugs...just a big ass spider. And the spider is just big enough where I'm starting to feel bad about the way I'm plotting it's death.
It started over on the right side of the building, right outside my neighbor's door. It was looking over the "patio" we have and I was able to angle my way under it, whining like a baby the whole time. Then we had that really big storm last Friday and it's web was destroyed. Not only was it a cool storm but it erased my enemy. I was jolly on Saturday morning. Then I got home from my activities on Saturday and the bitch had moved to my side of the entrance and was at face level now. It was between the building and the bushes. Right about perfect for a sneak attack.
So I've been trying to think of a way to eliminate this issue without it jumping on me, running up my arm and spinning cob webs between my eye balls (SHIVER....that just grossed me out writing that).....mom told me to swat it with a broom but I told her that it would just jump up and run up the handle and jump on me. Now, you may see a theme. I always think these things are going to jump on me. Hence they have to die. And even after dying they could come back as zombie spiders and jump on me. It's the jumping that gets me. But it's now big enough that I'm thinking it has a personality and maybe family on the other side of the building. It's trying to be a grown up spider and do things on it's own. It dreams of dancing on stage for other bugs to see....
So killing it, for me is becoming more of an issue because I don't want to kill Charlotte. I bet someone thinks it's beautiful and worth living. But now there is a flaw in this plan because it's got a big ass all of a sudden and that can not mean good things. If that bitch pops and thousands of baby spiders come crawling out of her...Oh My God....I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.
I'm either going to hole up in my apartment til the first frost or I'm moving. Neither of which are going to work for my schedule.
I've got to come up with a way to kill this thing before I go insane over the thought of baby spiders crawling up my apartment wall, wiggling under the air conditioner and then jumping on me...
Crap, now all I can think of is spiders. I'll be scanning the rooms in my apartment every few minutes and any time I feel like something is crawling on me I'll be freaking out. I'm going to end up not sleeping and spraying the hell out of this fat ass spider, hoping it'll die without screaming (cause I can hear it screaming like the wicked witch of the west) or jumping on me.
Do exterminators make death calls?
But I digress...the one outside my door is one of those garden spiders that are freakishly big but everyone says they are great for bugs. And I have to agree. My front door has no bugs...just a big ass spider. And the spider is just big enough where I'm starting to feel bad about the way I'm plotting it's death.
It started over on the right side of the building, right outside my neighbor's door. It was looking over the "patio" we have and I was able to angle my way under it, whining like a baby the whole time. Then we had that really big storm last Friday and it's web was destroyed. Not only was it a cool storm but it erased my enemy. I was jolly on Saturday morning. Then I got home from my activities on Saturday and the bitch had moved to my side of the entrance and was at face level now. It was between the building and the bushes. Right about perfect for a sneak attack.
So I've been trying to think of a way to eliminate this issue without it jumping on me, running up my arm and spinning cob webs between my eye balls (SHIVER....that just grossed me out writing that).....mom told me to swat it with a broom but I told her that it would just jump up and run up the handle and jump on me. Now, you may see a theme. I always think these things are going to jump on me. Hence they have to die. And even after dying they could come back as zombie spiders and jump on me. It's the jumping that gets me. But it's now big enough that I'm thinking it has a personality and maybe family on the other side of the building. It's trying to be a grown up spider and do things on it's own. It dreams of dancing on stage for other bugs to see....
So killing it, for me is becoming more of an issue because I don't want to kill Charlotte. I bet someone thinks it's beautiful and worth living. But now there is a flaw in this plan because it's got a big ass all of a sudden and that can not mean good things. If that bitch pops and thousands of baby spiders come crawling out of her...Oh My God....I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.
I'm either going to hole up in my apartment til the first frost or I'm moving. Neither of which are going to work for my schedule.
I've got to come up with a way to kill this thing before I go insane over the thought of baby spiders crawling up my apartment wall, wiggling under the air conditioner and then jumping on me...
Crap, now all I can think of is spiders. I'll be scanning the rooms in my apartment every few minutes and any time I feel like something is crawling on me I'll be freaking out. I'm going to end up not sleeping and spraying the hell out of this fat ass spider, hoping it'll die without screaming (cause I can hear it screaming like the wicked witch of the west) or jumping on me.
Do exterminators make death calls?
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Clear away the cobwebs
My dating life is becoming a war zone. I move from one guy to the next. I never wanted to be a serial dater. I'm not in this for all the free food or movies. The first date or two are actually my least favorite. No one likes to get gussy'd up every Friday and Saturday. I mean, maybe I just don't. I'd love to find that one person and not keep going on first or second dates. I spoke to my friend in California and she thinks I'm picky. And I know R.D. thinks I'm certifiable. But I can't help but think that I can do better then the last couple.
I mean, I don't think I"m asking too much. I think I'm being quite reasonable. Maybe it's the dating site? Or maybe the guy just doesn't come clean with everything? It's all their fault...not mine.
The one that made me want to rip his clothes off was probably going to end up being a little controlling or abusive. But that's the one that I keep thinking about. He told me what we were doing. What dinner I was going to make. What time I was supposed to be somewhere. THAT was a huge turn on. I'm a planner person and I make plans. It was such a treat to be told when to do something. Which may have sounded like he was controlling. And he drank...not just drank but DRANK. He even brought 3 beers with him for our last date. He even knew I was in the program and didn't drink. But I didn't think anything about it. I actually was proud of myself that I was able to fetch him a beer and pop the top without even thinking about it....hmmm...I might have to rethink this last sentence....
Not that it matters, he stopped talking to be after a month. I'm not altogether sure what happened but I unfriended him on Facebook and I regret it. I really liked how he made me feel. But things happen for a reason.
The one after him was so cautious that it was maddening. He wouldn't call me because it would probably be a long conversation so he'll just email me. And we met once but since that lasted a long time too, he thought email was just the best way to talk. And my personality was hyper and he wasn't sure if I wouldn't turn out to be like an ex girlfriend. So he stopped talking to me too. Didn't actually say "Hey, I'm a knob and am not going to call you anymore because I'm pretty sure I want to stay single"
There were a couple more in there for random first dates. One had a late teen daughter that just had a kid. This guy was my age and I'm 35!! Which wouldn't be bad but he kept going on about the baby daddy wanting to move in with him and his daughter but because he didn't have a job that was no way to be a man. Never mind that she's 18 and had a baby...I mean he was 16 when he had his daughter so waiting 2 years is an improvement. DRAMA!!!!
The next said he was 5'9" but I swear he was shorter then me and he thought it was a big deal that the people that owned the house were he rented a room would let us use the living room TV if I came over....yeah, that one didn't make a TV date...shame because he drove a mini-van too...pure sex.
The one this last week had some potential but still ended up freaking me out. He was pretty nice and funny. He was absolutely enthralled with me. I couldn't do anything wrong. He brought flowers (I was impressed with that) but he wore shorts and sandals. This was a pretty posh restaurant; took reservations, which may not mean as much to him as much as it did to me. And he had a pointy head. Seriously pointy. Like Conehead bad. And it was all I could do not to stare at it that night. And he was over the top about stuff. Played my favorite band, played a couple of their love songs. As I was trying to ignore his attempts to whoo me with the songs; I would try to talk over them and he kept turning them up. Over the top....Saturday we went to an antique mall downtown KC, MO and he spent the whole 3 hours following me around. Asking me if I liked this trinket or that throw pillow. Again, all things that probably should happen but it felt like he would throw his grandma under a bus if he thought it would impress me.Even when I ended it, he told me that I could call or hang out if I changed my mind or just were bored. I felt kind of bad about that one but I think I can do better.
And that is the rub. I always think I can do better. And I have to ask if that's really the case. Because I'm holding out for that one guy. THE ONE....and I think I should have that but maybe I'm not being realistic.
How do I get the ones that would do anything for me but are normal? Or at least make me feel like this is natural? Am I asking too much to be introduced to someone and it just happens naturally? I shouldn't have to troll the dating sites looking for a picture that is a good representation of what that person actually looks like. The height that they put is correct. That they "do drink socially" and mean it. And if they do have kids, that they don't want more. Because I think I've exhausted the 2 guys on Plenty of Fish that don't want kids and don't have any.
I mean, I don't think I"m asking too much. I think I'm being quite reasonable. Maybe it's the dating site? Or maybe the guy just doesn't come clean with everything? It's all their fault...not mine.
The one that made me want to rip his clothes off was probably going to end up being a little controlling or abusive. But that's the one that I keep thinking about. He told me what we were doing. What dinner I was going to make. What time I was supposed to be somewhere. THAT was a huge turn on. I'm a planner person and I make plans. It was such a treat to be told when to do something. Which may have sounded like he was controlling. And he drank...not just drank but DRANK. He even brought 3 beers with him for our last date. He even knew I was in the program and didn't drink. But I didn't think anything about it. I actually was proud of myself that I was able to fetch him a beer and pop the top without even thinking about it....hmmm...I might have to rethink this last sentence....
Not that it matters, he stopped talking to be after a month. I'm not altogether sure what happened but I unfriended him on Facebook and I regret it. I really liked how he made me feel. But things happen for a reason.
The one after him was so cautious that it was maddening. He wouldn't call me because it would probably be a long conversation so he'll just email me. And we met once but since that lasted a long time too, he thought email was just the best way to talk. And my personality was hyper and he wasn't sure if I wouldn't turn out to be like an ex girlfriend. So he stopped talking to me too. Didn't actually say "Hey, I'm a knob and am not going to call you anymore because I'm pretty sure I want to stay single"
There were a couple more in there for random first dates. One had a late teen daughter that just had a kid. This guy was my age and I'm 35!! Which wouldn't be bad but he kept going on about the baby daddy wanting to move in with him and his daughter but because he didn't have a job that was no way to be a man. Never mind that she's 18 and had a baby...I mean he was 16 when he had his daughter so waiting 2 years is an improvement. DRAMA!!!!
The next said he was 5'9" but I swear he was shorter then me and he thought it was a big deal that the people that owned the house were he rented a room would let us use the living room TV if I came over....yeah, that one didn't make a TV date...shame because he drove a mini-van too...pure sex.
The one this last week had some potential but still ended up freaking me out. He was pretty nice and funny. He was absolutely enthralled with me. I couldn't do anything wrong. He brought flowers (I was impressed with that) but he wore shorts and sandals. This was a pretty posh restaurant; took reservations, which may not mean as much to him as much as it did to me. And he had a pointy head. Seriously pointy. Like Conehead bad. And it was all I could do not to stare at it that night. And he was over the top about stuff. Played my favorite band, played a couple of their love songs. As I was trying to ignore his attempts to whoo me with the songs; I would try to talk over them and he kept turning them up. Over the top....Saturday we went to an antique mall downtown KC, MO and he spent the whole 3 hours following me around. Asking me if I liked this trinket or that throw pillow. Again, all things that probably should happen but it felt like he would throw his grandma under a bus if he thought it would impress me.Even when I ended it, he told me that I could call or hang out if I changed my mind or just were bored. I felt kind of bad about that one but I think I can do better.
And that is the rub. I always think I can do better. And I have to ask if that's really the case. Because I'm holding out for that one guy. THE ONE....and I think I should have that but maybe I'm not being realistic.
How do I get the ones that would do anything for me but are normal? Or at least make me feel like this is natural? Am I asking too much to be introduced to someone and it just happens naturally? I shouldn't have to troll the dating sites looking for a picture that is a good representation of what that person actually looks like. The height that they put is correct. That they "do drink socially" and mean it. And if they do have kids, that they don't want more. Because I think I've exhausted the 2 guys on Plenty of Fish that don't want kids and don't have any.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Music to my ears
I love music. It truly soothes my soul. I love listening to music but it has to be my music. I had satelite radio for 3 years and I can count on one hand the number of times I strayed from the 80's channel...that's 3 years of nothing but 80's music...Ice Ice Baby!
I have had an iPod since they came out. Upgrading every year or so. I have the touch and I absolutely love it. I would love it better if I had the iPhone instead but then I wouldnt have as much space. Although I don't have a full 32 gig right now. But I have about 4 movies and almost a thousand songs. I'm about a 3rd of the way full.
I live 2.7 miles from work. And so I have very little time in the car. 10 minutes on those mornings where I hit Metcalf at JUST the right time. But I average about 7 minutes. In that small span...I have to have my iPod attached. The beauty of my new car is that it has a direct connection to my iPod. Not an AV jack. But a direct usb connection That was one of the reasons I bought the car. But I can't listen to the radio in that 7 minutes. Ultimately because it's all commercials. What a way to waste those precious few minutes. And then there is my office. I can listen to music at my desk all day.
So I have my iTouch all the time. I walk the dogs and that's 30 minutes that I get to listen.
And walking the dogs is my time to meditate. It gives me a chance to just clear my head and listen to whatever comes on and I usually zone out and have some really great therapy sessions in my head. It's when I feel the closest to God. I love my walks. I've processed and forgiven a lot of things in those walks. And music is a huge part of that.
But I move through music pretty regularly.
I listen to the same music over and over and over. I will have a favorite for weeks. Now I have Favorite favorites. Ones that are just always going to be on my list. Waterloo, Dont bring me down, heartache tonight, small criminal, thriller (long version), jeopardy, strokin'...but I have newer favorites too. Nickelback is high on the list. A lot of heavier (notice I said heavier...not heavy) rock. I was listening to christiian rock when I went through my Jesus phase but got sick of the sappyness...(Just kidding JC!)
But for years I have ripped cd's from friends, librarys, and even Napster before it went legite (that tells you how long I've been collecting!) So I have over 6,000 songs. I listen to maybe 1/6 of that...and thats being generous. But I put in my budget each month for $20. Now that used to buy 20 songs but not anymore (gouging my pocketbook - Apple will get you as bad as Microsoft...but I digress). But most of that $20 goes toward movies now. I have over 200 actual dvd movies. But I have a bad habit of buying a movie and then NEVER watching it again. And I mean never. I've purposefully have made myself watch more lately but I even pay for Netflix and don't watch more then one or two a month. But that's cheaper then buying a new movie a week! While some would say to just not buy any or pay for Netflix I ask you how else am I going to waste money? I mean really? Should I pay my credit cards or put in savings? My bank would call me to check that someone hadn't hacked into my account and suddenly became more responsible. I have the audacity to be offended by that remark...
But my music is important to me. I really am not comfortable with silence. I struggle to listen to things when there is not music going. And if I have to be quiet? I feel at loose ends. I don't like listening to my head. It gets pretty dark in there and I have to drown it out a lot. Which just takes me to my money problems. But I will find so much peace with just listening to music. I don't have to sing along or try to memorize the lyrics (although that happens with the amount of times I listen to a song) but the fact that I can listen to the lyrics or memorize them helps me. Maybe it's a lot like having Autism. I'm soothed by it and a lot of times I can't deal with silence because it makes me face things. I don't know, I'm not a therapist but I"m sure there's a therapy session in there somewhere.
I'm willing to try new music. 1/2 the music I rip from the library I will never listen to because it's not something I find interesting but I continue to steal from the library because what if I MIGHT like it? Then I wouldn't have to buy it. So I'm making a commitment to listen to my already purchased/ripped music. I've got over 6,000 to choose from so I guess I'll make an effort to branch out.
I still love 80's music but I like that I"m open enough to try something new. I wasn't always so flexible. This means progress rather then perfection.
I have had an iPod since they came out. Upgrading every year or so. I have the touch and I absolutely love it. I would love it better if I had the iPhone instead but then I wouldnt have as much space. Although I don't have a full 32 gig right now. But I have about 4 movies and almost a thousand songs. I'm about a 3rd of the way full.
I live 2.7 miles from work. And so I have very little time in the car. 10 minutes on those mornings where I hit Metcalf at JUST the right time. But I average about 7 minutes. In that small span...I have to have my iPod attached. The beauty of my new car is that it has a direct connection to my iPod. Not an AV jack. But a direct usb connection That was one of the reasons I bought the car. But I can't listen to the radio in that 7 minutes. Ultimately because it's all commercials. What a way to waste those precious few minutes. And then there is my office. I can listen to music at my desk all day.
So I have my iTouch all the time. I walk the dogs and that's 30 minutes that I get to listen.
And walking the dogs is my time to meditate. It gives me a chance to just clear my head and listen to whatever comes on and I usually zone out and have some really great therapy sessions in my head. It's when I feel the closest to God. I love my walks. I've processed and forgiven a lot of things in those walks. And music is a huge part of that.
But I move through music pretty regularly.
I listen to the same music over and over and over. I will have a favorite for weeks. Now I have Favorite favorites. Ones that are just always going to be on my list. Waterloo, Dont bring me down, heartache tonight, small criminal, thriller (long version), jeopardy, strokin'...but I have newer favorites too. Nickelback is high on the list. A lot of heavier (notice I said heavier...not heavy) rock. I was listening to christiian rock when I went through my Jesus phase but got sick of the sappyness...(Just kidding JC!)
But for years I have ripped cd's from friends, librarys, and even Napster before it went legite (that tells you how long I've been collecting!) So I have over 6,000 songs. I listen to maybe 1/6 of that...and thats being generous. But I put in my budget each month for $20. Now that used to buy 20 songs but not anymore (gouging my pocketbook - Apple will get you as bad as Microsoft...but I digress). But most of that $20 goes toward movies now. I have over 200 actual dvd movies. But I have a bad habit of buying a movie and then NEVER watching it again. And I mean never. I've purposefully have made myself watch more lately but I even pay for Netflix and don't watch more then one or two a month. But that's cheaper then buying a new movie a week! While some would say to just not buy any or pay for Netflix I ask you how else am I going to waste money? I mean really? Should I pay my credit cards or put in savings? My bank would call me to check that someone hadn't hacked into my account and suddenly became more responsible. I have the audacity to be offended by that remark...
But my music is important to me. I really am not comfortable with silence. I struggle to listen to things when there is not music going. And if I have to be quiet? I feel at loose ends. I don't like listening to my head. It gets pretty dark in there and I have to drown it out a lot. Which just takes me to my money problems. But I will find so much peace with just listening to music. I don't have to sing along or try to memorize the lyrics (although that happens with the amount of times I listen to a song) but the fact that I can listen to the lyrics or memorize them helps me. Maybe it's a lot like having Autism. I'm soothed by it and a lot of times I can't deal with silence because it makes me face things. I don't know, I'm not a therapist but I"m sure there's a therapy session in there somewhere.
I'm willing to try new music. 1/2 the music I rip from the library I will never listen to because it's not something I find interesting but I continue to steal from the library because what if I MIGHT like it? Then I wouldn't have to buy it. So I'm making a commitment to listen to my already purchased/ripped music. I've got over 6,000 to choose from so I guess I'll make an effort to branch out.
I still love 80's music but I like that I"m open enough to try something new. I wasn't always so flexible. This means progress rather then perfection.
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