So dating…I have a lot of practice with this but not a lot of experience. I have gone on 3 dates with one guy but only first dates with others. I take that back, I went on a 2nd date with a guy but it was about 2 months between the 1st and the 2nd one so I don’t know that that counts. I haven’t really dated for about 3 years. That’s the amount of time between my divorce and now. I spent the first couple of months trying to find ANYONE to give me some kind of acceptance. Please….just throw me a bone, wouldja? I signed up for every dating service. I went to bars on a regular basis (which is a whole different story). I couldn't work hard enough to get attention. Surprisingly, I got nothing…which is good because I had this terrible fear that these men were going to get to know me and realize what a loser I really was. So it took constant vigilance on my part to keep these men at an arm’s length away. Something of a talent, I think.
So you might ask, “Why am I dating”? Because I’m ready. I truly do believe that I am in a place where I am ready to meet that one person that is going to be my partner in crime. I really do believe that. And I have spent the last 3 years getting to this point. The one guy that we did a first date and then 2 months later did a 2nd date? I stopped talking to him because I really wasn’t attracted to him and after 2 months I thought that that was superficial of me so I contacted him again. He was funny and smart and really nice. But physically, it wasn’t there. But I thought I’d try again. We got together for dinner and we then sat around my apartment, we were going to watch a movie. Well, that’s when Chuckles seemed to think it was at that point that he should go in for a kiss. I have to admit that, at this point in my life, I was not ready for anything intimate. But I hadn’t told him this nor had I really put a lot of thought around it. See, I thought I was ready. But when he leaned in for the kiss…..I panicked and I ran to the kitchen. Literally…I panicked and I ran to the kitchen. Where I promptly tried to act like nothing had happened and we were just talking with a wall between us. I know that I botched the date up at that point and that was the last guy I went on a date with for the next year. I just knew that it wasn’t time for that.
Fast forward to today and I suddenly feel ready to sow my wild oats. But first…I had some unfinished business. I was still hanging onto the ex. We were “friends”. We hung out, watched movies, and went on bike rides, dinner, etc…it was like we were dating but not married anymore. Free to come and go as we choose but no commitment. This has been going on for the 3 years I’ve been divorced. I know that I held out hope that we would get back together. I did everything in my power to give him what he wanted, hoping that he would want me back. But I had already done the damage. Although I changed, his opinion of me didn’t change as much as I had. So I never really had a chance.
May 5, 2007 is the day I became damaged goods. And it took me exactly 3 years to move past that. In the past, I had actually said to people that I think I would die if I were to cut the ex out of my life. Like I would literally die if I stopped talking to him. At the time, I didn’t even see how crazy that was. Those in my life were so patient with me…I’m sure they were all so tired of hearing me go on and on about how I was never going to get over him. I was never going to be loved like that again. That I don’t deserve to have a 2nd chance with him….on and on and on….towards the end even I was tired of me saying it. But I felt powerless (not the first time or situation where I feel powerless) to stop the actions that I was doing with my ex. I felt that I had to follow this to the end. So it ended…my way (small amount of satisfaction on my part) on May 17, 2010. That is over 3 years (by like 12 days but who’s counting?) from when he asked for the divorce. I was suspended in this world in my head where I lived around and for my ex. I was trying so hard to move on and show him how I was going to be better off without him; that I never really moved on. I was stagnant…I felt like I had missed out on so many things. But in reality…it took me the exact amount of time that I needed to get through that. Towards the end, I actually had remind myself to act as though he was the only option I had. I had gotten so tired of the way things were between us but I still felt like I had to follow it to the end. I was supposed to go through all of that in order to move on.
The past 3 years have been HUGE in my life. And I say that because I have a life now that I never had before the divorce or even before the marriage. I say I became damaged goods after the divorce but in reality I was damaged from very early on. Not to use as an excuse, but rather to set the stage. I was broken and never really whole until lately. And that is only because I have worked my ass off to get to this place. I’ve done the cliché “finding myself” and I, at first, did not like what I found. I did not like the person I was before I got married, while I was married and after I was first divorced. My character defects are a mile long but they were glaringly bad before the divorce. And now, I see where my part was in the marriage failing. And it’s a pretty large part. But these character defects are things I DO have control over. These are the things that I don’t like and I don’t have to be like that. That is a big deal. I was one of those black & white people. Either it was or it wasn’t. No grey area. I had no color in my life. I was constantly in the dark. And I had to work really hard to come away from that dark area.
So…why the post? Because I’ve come to the realization that I have no control over this situation and that I never did. I know that God had his arms wrapped around me good and tight for these last 3 years. I’ve gone through a lot of things and I’ve come out on the other side. Maybe not perfect, but intact, sane, happier then I have ever been and smelling pretty good. To me, that means God has something more in mind for me. I just have to be patient. So…the saying “Just when you give up looking, that’s when you’ll find the one”…I’m trying to find a way to trick my brain into that mode. Because I’m willing…and I’m really good at stop thinking about something. It’s the staying stopped. That sums up a lot of my issues….stay stopped!
Next installment? Dating services stories and how I’m trying to narrow my requirements down to a few simple sentences. Which, from this post, is obvious I will have trouble doing.
So you might ask, “Why am I dating”? Because I’m ready. I truly do believe that I am in a place where I am ready to meet that one person that is going to be my partner in crime. I really do believe that. And I have spent the last 3 years getting to this point. The one guy that we did a first date and then 2 months later did a 2nd date? I stopped talking to him because I really wasn’t attracted to him and after 2 months I thought that that was superficial of me so I contacted him again. He was funny and smart and really nice. But physically, it wasn’t there. But I thought I’d try again. We got together for dinner and we then sat around my apartment, we were going to watch a movie. Well, that’s when Chuckles seemed to think it was at that point that he should go in for a kiss. I have to admit that, at this point in my life, I was not ready for anything intimate. But I hadn’t told him this nor had I really put a lot of thought around it. See, I thought I was ready. But when he leaned in for the kiss…..I panicked and I ran to the kitchen. Literally…I panicked and I ran to the kitchen. Where I promptly tried to act like nothing had happened and we were just talking with a wall between us. I know that I botched the date up at that point and that was the last guy I went on a date with for the next year. I just knew that it wasn’t time for that.
Fast forward to today and I suddenly feel ready to sow my wild oats. But first…I had some unfinished business. I was still hanging onto the ex. We were “friends”. We hung out, watched movies, and went on bike rides, dinner, etc…it was like we were dating but not married anymore. Free to come and go as we choose but no commitment. This has been going on for the 3 years I’ve been divorced. I know that I held out hope that we would get back together. I did everything in my power to give him what he wanted, hoping that he would want me back. But I had already done the damage. Although I changed, his opinion of me didn’t change as much as I had. So I never really had a chance.
May 5, 2007 is the day I became damaged goods. And it took me exactly 3 years to move past that. In the past, I had actually said to people that I think I would die if I were to cut the ex out of my life. Like I would literally die if I stopped talking to him. At the time, I didn’t even see how crazy that was. Those in my life were so patient with me…I’m sure they were all so tired of hearing me go on and on about how I was never going to get over him. I was never going to be loved like that again. That I don’t deserve to have a 2nd chance with him….on and on and on….towards the end even I was tired of me saying it. But I felt powerless (not the first time or situation where I feel powerless) to stop the actions that I was doing with my ex. I felt that I had to follow this to the end. So it ended…my way (small amount of satisfaction on my part) on May 17, 2010. That is over 3 years (by like 12 days but who’s counting?) from when he asked for the divorce. I was suspended in this world in my head where I lived around and for my ex. I was trying so hard to move on and show him how I was going to be better off without him; that I never really moved on. I was stagnant…I felt like I had missed out on so many things. But in reality…it took me the exact amount of time that I needed to get through that. Towards the end, I actually had remind myself to act as though he was the only option I had. I had gotten so tired of the way things were between us but I still felt like I had to follow it to the end. I was supposed to go through all of that in order to move on.
The past 3 years have been HUGE in my life. And I say that because I have a life now that I never had before the divorce or even before the marriage. I say I became damaged goods after the divorce but in reality I was damaged from very early on. Not to use as an excuse, but rather to set the stage. I was broken and never really whole until lately. And that is only because I have worked my ass off to get to this place. I’ve done the cliché “finding myself” and I, at first, did not like what I found. I did not like the person I was before I got married, while I was married and after I was first divorced. My character defects are a mile long but they were glaringly bad before the divorce. And now, I see where my part was in the marriage failing. And it’s a pretty large part. But these character defects are things I DO have control over. These are the things that I don’t like and I don’t have to be like that. That is a big deal. I was one of those black & white people. Either it was or it wasn’t. No grey area. I had no color in my life. I was constantly in the dark. And I had to work really hard to come away from that dark area.
So…why the post? Because I’ve come to the realization that I have no control over this situation and that I never did. I know that God had his arms wrapped around me good and tight for these last 3 years. I’ve gone through a lot of things and I’ve come out on the other side. Maybe not perfect, but intact, sane, happier then I have ever been and smelling pretty good. To me, that means God has something more in mind for me. I just have to be patient. So…the saying “Just when you give up looking, that’s when you’ll find the one”…I’m trying to find a way to trick my brain into that mode. Because I’m willing…and I’m really good at stop thinking about something. It’s the staying stopped. That sums up a lot of my issues….stay stopped!
Next installment? Dating services stories and how I’m trying to narrow my requirements down to a few simple sentences. Which, from this post, is obvious I will have trouble doing.
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