Change of status

I have to admit that I had been dying to change my status on Facebook to "In a Relationship" for awhile. I just hadn't found a person to give me that opportunity.

Then I met Burke and was excited when I got to change my status. I got so many comments on this. From friends, they wanted to know what was going on. I hadn't really been telling people I was starting to see someone and so some where shocked.

Family was a bit of the same but I got the distinction that they were surprised I was even talking to men. I know my brother seems to think I'm going to be single for the rest of my life...which I may, at this point because I ended the relationship with Burke today.  A lot of contributing issues got me to this conclusion.  

I wasn't prepared to give him what he needed and I just couldn't compromise that much. I was being asked to NOT be me. My life is made up of reading things, watching movies, being with friends and sarcasm.  Which Burke didn't get, whether in person or on-line. This is my fault because I thought everyone got sarcasm.  And I am made up of about 97.3% sarcasm. Most of my friends wouldn't know what to  do if I was to turn serious and not be a smart ass.  So, trying to take that out of me was taking away my identity. And not something I could do, let alone want to do.

And the needs I had were not being met because he was so wrapped up in how I was or was not doing things right.  He was so internally focused that I just couldn't reach him.  I had to tiptoe around him because it seemed like everything I said or did was a direct hit to his ego. I was suffocating.

But dating Burke was fun. He was incredibly intelligent and had a lot of movies practically memorized. He had things in his head that were incredible; just the amount of knowledge he had.

But how I ended it was kind of chicken shit.  We talked the night before Thanksgiving and a lot of this is a direct result of that. It was not so much talking but rather it was me speaking as loud as I could with his son downstairs. Because if it had been just the two of us I would have been yelling because I was just done with all of it.  But I shut down towards the end because any thing I said was taken wrong. But I should have ended it then. I knew it was over before we ended up turning over and going to sleep.  But the next day was Thanksgiving and I was cooking a good portion of the dinner.  And I should have ended it when he walked me to the car but it was 29 degrees outside and I knew it wasn't right then.  So...chicken shit, I wrote an email and sent it.  I spent a lot of time on what to say in the email but it ended up being just a couple of lines because I assume he knows what ended it and how it wasn't good for us.

So I am single again and my status on Facebook is back to reflect that.  It might be awhile before I decide to date. Not because this one hurt, rather it frustrated me.  I just don't think I can find someone that will allow me to be who I am and not take things so personal.  Maybe there isn't anyone that can do that.

I'm going to let things just happen naturally.  No dating sites or such things.  If it happens, it's because God had a say in it and I'm OK with that.  I don't mind being alone. I actually really like it.

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days

This is a great thing for me. I love music…more specifically, I like MY music. Not that I’m a musician but rather I only want to listen to the music I like. For awhile there it was just 80’s music…for 4 years, it was only 80’s music on my satellite radio. I would only put 80’s music on my iPod, etc… Then I got rid of my satellite radio and I started listening to different music. I would try out hard rock; which I kind of like. I was trying out Top 40 music and sometimes liking. I stuck to iTunes and their recommendations. And I was checking out CD’s from the library that were typically not something I would listen to…just to branch out. You can read here for some of my thoughts on music in general.


But I can’t narrow it down to just one artist or band. I do have tendencies to listen to a song or album over and over and over, until I can’t listen anymore. But there are definitely songs that affect me. Some are just favorites but then there are some that just mean something to me. They usually happen to me when I’m going through something that requires me to deal with an emotion. I truly believe that God talks to me through music. I don’t know how many times I would be hurt or upset, angry or frustrated and a song would come on that totally soothes me. And I know that sounds crazy because it’s music that I’ve put on my iPod and so I know it will cycle through but it really does come at a time where I need to hear it.



When I went through the divorce, I would cling to songs that were about break up and letting go. After the first year or so, the songs were about getting back together. And then now, it’s about finding the strength to go it alone. To be enough. They come across as break up songs and I guess they are to an extent but Pieces and I Feel Bad by Rascal Flatts is what I'm listening to. Kelly Clarkson has an album out that is pretty much about breaking up.  Pink too.  Both that I have my playlist right now.  They come across like the practice husband is holding me back but it’s the exact opposite. I’m holding on to him because I’m just so afraid to let go and be on my own. This is another blog I need to write so suffice it to say that I’m listening to music to prepare myself to let go.




Right now I'm in a dilemma because I lost my headphones and they were great headphones. Expensive too but they were great. I have no idea where I lost them. I take my iPod with me everywhere and so I always have my headphones.  They must have dropped out somewhere between work, car, car home...now, I have this cheap ass pair that only one ear bud works and they are just terrible quality.  I'm going to save up for a new pair of headphones and just deal with the crappy ones until then.

But music is always going to be my savior.  When I need to shut the world out and just calm down.  I put my headphones on (even the crappy ones) and just lose myself to the music and the words and the calming

blue that I see when I listen to music.  It’s like mediation for me.  I can stop listening to the committee that’s in my head and be still.  That is what music does for me.