Change of status

I have to admit that I had been dying to change my status on Facebook to "In a Relationship" for awhile. I just hadn't found a person to give me that opportunity.

Then I met Burke and was excited when I got to change my status. I got so many comments on this. From friends, they wanted to know what was going on. I hadn't really been telling people I was starting to see someone and so some where shocked.

Family was a bit of the same but I got the distinction that they were surprised I was even talking to men. I know my brother seems to think I'm going to be single for the rest of my life...which I may, at this point because I ended the relationship with Burke today.  A lot of contributing issues got me to this conclusion.  

I wasn't prepared to give him what he needed and I just couldn't compromise that much. I was being asked to NOT be me. My life is made up of reading things, watching movies, being with friends and sarcasm.  Which Burke didn't get, whether in person or on-line. This is my fault because I thought everyone got sarcasm.  And I am made up of about 97.3% sarcasm. Most of my friends wouldn't know what to  do if I was to turn serious and not be a smart ass.  So, trying to take that out of me was taking away my identity. And not something I could do, let alone want to do.

And the needs I had were not being met because he was so wrapped up in how I was or was not doing things right.  He was so internally focused that I just couldn't reach him.  I had to tiptoe around him because it seemed like everything I said or did was a direct hit to his ego. I was suffocating.

But dating Burke was fun. He was incredibly intelligent and had a lot of movies practically memorized. He had things in his head that were incredible; just the amount of knowledge he had.

But how I ended it was kind of chicken shit.  We talked the night before Thanksgiving and a lot of this is a direct result of that. It was not so much talking but rather it was me speaking as loud as I could with his son downstairs. Because if it had been just the two of us I would have been yelling because I was just done with all of it.  But I shut down towards the end because any thing I said was taken wrong. But I should have ended it then. I knew it was over before we ended up turning over and going to sleep.  But the next day was Thanksgiving and I was cooking a good portion of the dinner.  And I should have ended it when he walked me to the car but it was 29 degrees outside and I knew it wasn't right then.  So...chicken shit, I wrote an email and sent it.  I spent a lot of time on what to say in the email but it ended up being just a couple of lines because I assume he knows what ended it and how it wasn't good for us.

So I am single again and my status on Facebook is back to reflect that.  It might be awhile before I decide to date. Not because this one hurt, rather it frustrated me.  I just don't think I can find someone that will allow me to be who I am and not take things so personal.  Maybe there isn't anyone that can do that.

I'm going to let things just happen naturally.  No dating sites or such things.  If it happens, it's because God had a say in it and I'm OK with that.  I don't mind being alone. I actually really like it.

The look of love

I'm not going to excite you with the details but starting to date someone is exciting. I honestly haven't had the pleasure of dating someone for the last 3 years and then 9 years before that.  So technically, I have not had a new relationship for over 12 years.

Unfortunately...it is not like riding a bicycle.  I am learning all over again, what it means to be a partner.

I know some may ask how I went from just meeting and agreeing to be exclusive about 4 days ago; to talking about being a partner.  Nothing in this relationship is normal to me.  But normal to me is sitting in my bedroom watching Netflix on my 15" laptop and the dogs taking up 3 of the 4 corners of my bed...that was normal.

Now, I have to allow for others.  Other's opinion, other's schedule, other's emotions and other's needs.  I don't think I'm going to nail this in a record time. I'm going to fumble at first; and I already have.

I assume that everyone shows emotions my way; the way I feel love (See the 5 Love Languages for pointers...seriously).  I am a demonstrative person. I will touch you, rub your back, make dinner, buy small items...that's how I show love.  I do not say it as regularly as I should because I don't need to hear it regularly.  I typically only say it after someone else has said it and I know that that is what they are looking for; to be told...in those words. Preferably without being prompted

I had a past relationship that required (in my mind) ungodly amount of need to be touched, loved (told) and catered to.  That is my wording...in reality, he probably just asked me to do it non-stop because I was not feeding his need for attention.  He NEEDED that and I chose not to do that. Mainly because he asked for it.

I see the stupidity in it now.  He was actually trying to help me so I could love him the right way.  I chose to ignore that.  The end result was a divorce; and rightly so.

Now...I am not blind to the irony.  Not only does my man have the same first name; but he has a lot of the same needs that the practice husband had...I think God is testing me.

So I don't want to mess this up. I don't have ANY intention in getting married again. That's not an option right now.  But I do want a relationship and that means WORK.  I have to work at being in a relationship and especially in a relationship with someone that has different needs then me.  It's my responsibility to ask what his needs are and to then tell him what I'm willing and able to do.  And not cut corners but step up and be willing.  Willing to do things differently because doing things the same way gets me the same results...heartbroken.  I don't think I can do that again.

And that's another point.  If I were to go into this with all intentions of just holding back a little bit because I'm afraid of getting hurt?  I'm going to fail.  And in order to learn and grow and try love...I have to give it my all.  I can't hold back.

I can wear safety gear to a project site but I've got to get my hands dirty to build anything.

bleh.....

So I had committed to this 30 days of posting and I got to day 20 but honestly...I just don't want to do it anymore.  The last 10 are kind of "bleh" for me...I take that back.  There are a couple that are very interesting to me; something that I would like to write about.  But thats like 3 of the 10.  So I may do those three and then call it good.  I told you I wasn't good at commitment and I tend to half ass things...so you'll get 23 or so of the 30...that'll have to be good.


In related news that is not related at all....I changed my status on Facebook to "In a Relationship with Mr Burke"...I have wanted to change my relationship status since I was on Facebook...  I see all these other people do it and I was jealous.  Thankfully, Mr Burke accepted my request for changing my status to linking our lives together.  That was a relief.

I got a wide range of responses.  My brother said "What is this?" like he was asking what the hell I was thinking.  A couple of my friends made comments about the fact that we hadn't talked for awhile because this was a shock.  I think my friends and family have gotten so used to me being single that the thought of me actually dating someone is going to mess with their minds.  Some people wanted to know what the story was.  The real reason was that I just wanted to announce to every 164 people that I am friends with that I finally got a guy to want to commit to me...

I like to gloat...

It's about time

So, without any input from me really (thankfully) I have started seeing someone. It’s still early days but I can honestly say I want a relationship with this man.  I’ve been on quite a few 1st dates, two 2nd dates and no 3rd dates.  Those 2 that were 2nd dates; one was wanted and the 2nd was not.  But I’ve never made it past a 2nd date with a guy.  I think it’s because I tend to share info about myself that probably isn’t appropriate at that time in getting to know someone.  I share too much because I don’t want there to be any misunderstandings later. I want to prep them for my alcoholism and bipolar because some people feel that those are deal breakers.  And I don’t want to get invested with someone who is only going to drop me when they find out about my “issues”.  Of course, it’s better for me when I have the one guy that blinked, gulped and then asked me a question about it, as though he wanted to know more.  I think I actually started falling for him at that point but I don’t want to speak so soon.

But this guy…Burke (it’s actually his last name but his first name is the same as my ex and I’m not ready to call someone that), is great. We spoke every day for a week before we met.  And not just spoke but really talked.  I should take a break here and say…when I say talked/spoke…it was through IM or text.  Neither of us is big on talking on the phone.  It was great to find a guy that was the same way.  We actually spoke once, the night of the date, to make sure I had the address.  But the whole week prior to the date was spent talking about EVERYTHING.  I cannot think of one thing that I left out or that is not absolutely necessary for him to know.  I found someone that is as funny as me (I know…it’s shocking to me too☺). He is very smart (like brilliant to a fault) and giving.  He’s a bigger nerd then me but that adds to his plus column.  He does have action figures but to be honest, so do I.  He’s going to treat me with respect and affection; I know this already.  He’s going to ask my opinion and really wants to know the answers.  I may have more say over what we do as a couple but he’ll have more say over the important things, like what I’m allowed to get away with (jokingly) and what I mean to those people in his life.

I’m petrified of the actual dating though.  I don’t open up to people very much (despite writing on this blog) and I definitely am skittish about anything physical.  (Relax Mom, I mean kissing and holding hands…harmless…).  But the thought of kissing makes me SQUEEEEEE….I get these butterflies and my tummy gurgles.  I blush (who blushes anymore???) and start hyperventilating.  I know how to kiss.  I think I’m a fairly good kisser but think about it, if you are married or involved with someone for awhile…do you kiss?  Like KISSSSS?  I didn’t when I was married which may have contributed to my divorce maybe.  But I want to suck face with this guy.  I want to get tiny little kisses on my cheek or forehead.  I would love to be kissed.  But the thought of having the first couple of kisses is seriously messing with me.  I’m almost to the point where I want to just tackle him, sit on his chest so he can’t move and then kiss him at least 3 times…just to get it out of the way…not very romantic but yet still an option.

There are some thing that concern me…he’s been married twice.  Both reasons for the divorces were adequate in my mind but I’m not sure I want to be #3…I’m not sure I want to be anyone’s wife.  I think I cured myself of marriage with being married to the ex.  My ex is a great guy.  A really good guy.  We just fell apart and neither was prepared to pick the other up; we were hurting by that point.  So he did what he thought was the right thing; which eventually for me was the right thing.  I was devastated though. It honestly has taken me almost 2 ½  years to get over that.  But I have.  And I honestly think I’m at my ideal self.  I don’t think I would be ready to date anyone a year ago.  It has taken me a lot to get to my at least first copy of my ideal self.  I’ve healed a lot of my pains (from the ex and in my younger life).  I’m ready to do the things that are necessary in a relationship.  I’m practically skipping around my life right now, I’m so happy.  But I'm 36 and I have a really hard time with being called "girlfriend".  I have an even harder time calling someone boyfriend.  I'm not sure why but it seems to be something that is childish but I guess I'm the only one that says that because friends are telling me that I'm hung up over a word.  I think "dating" is enough but most people think it means that we're not exclusive.  I think it means we're dating...just the two of us.  So, I guess I'll have to start practicing the words...

And so I have dates lined up for the next week.  I'm looking forward to it but I'm scared too.  Mostly because this is it...this is the relationship that I start my new life with.  Burke may not be the guy for me forever but he's the guy for me right now.  And whose to say that this isn't THE relationship....I just have to go back to the basics and say...one day at a time...that's all I can do now.

Otherwise I'll be tackling him on a regular basis to just get the "firsts" done.

One of the Gang

My dick head of a boss totally sold me out today. I had mentioned a few days ago that the ladies in my area are incredibly loud and distracting. I know we talked about it because he says he doesn’t hear them but they are literally RIGHT OUTSIDE HIS OFFICE. I told him he must tone people out better than me and we chuckled about it. I even mentioned that another lady that sits further away from them then him had mentioned something to me and we compared stories about how loud they can be.


To his credit, he did ask me if I wanted him to say thing about it to their boss and I said NO because their boss is another dick head who will sell you down the river in a heartbeat. I think he would even sell his mother if it made him look good. And I know he wouldn’t keep names out of the comments because he’s done it before with me. When he asked me how one of his people were doing…I stupidly told him. It wasn’t one day later and I was getting very terse looks and a very snotty email about how I thought she wasn’t doing her job. I had specifically told him that I did not want him to share that with her, it was just me venting to him. I was FURIOUS with him after that. I even confronted him about it and I do not do confrontation. He apologized and I had to suck up to the lady for the next month so she wouldn’t hate me and not do anything I asked her to do.


Well, she’s one of the ladies that is incredibly loud and I have not heard her once today and I know she’s been on the phone. And she won’t even look at me. I’m pretty sure I’m not paranoid about this. But then again, 3 of the 4 ladies are gone today and it’s been a dream….

So now, I have to deal with my boss. I want to just go ask him but he’s been in meetings all day. And I really want to talk to the lady to see what was said. I guess it shouldn’t matter. It’s been said and now I have to deal with it. It’s just that I’ve worked really hard to build a relationship with this group. I don’t make friends easily and I really hate it when I’m treated like I’m the village idiot. And I’ve never really fit in with these ladies. I’m treated like a boss when I’m not even their boss. I’m not asked to lunch or to go out for drinks after work. I’m not asked about looking through their jewelry magazines that they’re trying to sell. I am actually spoken around when I’m physically by them. I don’t know how many times I have heard all of them AND the admin talk about going to lunch and drinks and I’m not even included. There are the bagels every so often and no one will come tell me…it’s not like I’m sitting on the other side of the floor. And I didn’t get a birthday card from the group this year. I’m usually the only September birthday but I didn’t get a card or even someone offering to take me to lunch.

Now….this could all be in my head and nothing is wrong. But I don’t think this is the case. I’m pretty sure my boss sold me down the river.

Man, this makes me sound like a whiny baby…but the thing is, I never cared about this stuff. I didn’t want to make idle chit chat with someone. It was such a waste of time; getting to know these people. I really had zero desire or energy for it. But lately I’m more inclined to be one of the gang. I’d love for someone to ask me to lunch. They all stand around and talk over the walls to each other and I’m not included…I sound so cheesy for this I guess. I know that part of the problem is me and I have to make the effort to include myself sometimes. And I have to make the first move to get them to be open and friendly with me. But sometimes I truly just DO NOT give a shit. I’d rather get through my stuff and then go home. No one knows my personal life. No one knows what I like to do on the weekends (which I’m not even sure I know what I like to do on the weekends). I kind of like that I have that place to go to that no one from work knows about.


While I don’t think I’ll ever win a popularity contest (and I would not know what to do if I did), I’d like to have “work friends”…guess I’ve got to work harder at it.  That's what I'm told a lot about making relationships; work harder.  How eff'ing hard do I have to work?  I'm tired already.

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

There are friends that I lost before I got sober. Some were good to go but some where really painful to lose. One was a drinking buddy that would never get over me not drinking. I think she felt like I abandoned her; which I kind of did. She was toxic to be around. But the only reason I was holding onto her for so long was because I didn’t have anyone else. At least no one I thought of. In reality I have 2 very good friends that have been with me for 10 years and are lovely ladies. Both are actually better then lovely…they rock!


Another friend I lost because I was toxic for her. I was spiraling downward so much that she had to get out in order to stay healthy. I totally get that and I respect that. I just wish I could have her back as a friend now because she would be such a blessing in my life. But I ruined those opportunities. And that’s OK. I just have to know that I had to go through what I did to make it to this place and she did what she had to do to get to her place. I miss her though.



There are ex boyfriends that I actually had no problem letting go of. But there are some random guys in there that were never boyfriends but could have potentially been. And really it was more so the way they made me feel about myself that I had a hard time letting go of. Some made me feel gorgeous. Some were slobbering all over themselves and that made me feel sexy. And then there are just the ones that I couldn’t control and those appeal to me. Kind of like I couldn’t get enough of their confidence. It was addictive.



The practice husband was hard to let go of. I didn’t let go of him for several years actually. We called it “being friends” but really we were both living with the ideal us and not wanting to move on. It was more comfortable being comfortable instead of growing up. Which meant growing apart.



I think the biggest thing I didn’t want to let go of was my marriage. At least I didn’t want to let go of the fact that there was someone there that loved me and wanted me and just couldn’t be without me. Of course that was not the case towards the end of the marriage. But I didn’t want to see that. I wanted it to be something else. But it was easy to just gloss that over. I miss having that companionship. Someone to go to dinner with, hang out and watch TV, go for walks…all stuff I do now, just alone. I miss not having to be alone. I don’t want to give up the relationship because I am tired of being alone. Three years and I’m still trying to hold onto something that is so evasive and unhealthy but I don’t want to be alone. God knows, if I just open my hand and let go of it…I’d find that my hand is being held by something else.

Why can't he be the one?

I have only been dating in the last 3 months or so. And that is pushing it by calling it "dating".

I made the conscious choice to stop being involved with my ex on May 17th.  I know this is weird that I know dates but maybe it's my OCD or something but I remember dates.  I think it's important to remember things although the things I remember are kind of all about one person.  I know the date we met. The day we kissed for the first time. The day we decided to get married.  The day I stopped trying to get pregnant. I remember the date I told my Dad to "F" off, I had about a bottle of raspberry vodka and it was around 12:30 in the afternoon. We started drinking at 12:00, and when I say we, I really mean me.  I don't remember after about 3pm.  I remember the day we bought the house.  The date he told me he wasn't in love with me. The date he asked for the divorce.  The day I checked into the hospital.  The day I got sober.  The day I "got" God.  And the date I broke up with my ex.  May 17th.  And that was May 17th...3 years after he asked for the divorce.  I guess I'm a slow learner.

It was a few days after the 17th that I was asked out on my first real date in almost 3 years.  And I barely knew the guy.  I thought that this was God's design because I just expressed my desire to the universe to find "the one", so I jumped right in. I quickly became enamored.  This guy was nothing like the ex.  I mean, nothing. He was confident. He was manly (not to say the ex wasn't manly but not like this guy). The Boss (my nickname for him) was sure of himself. He didn't take any crap, he gave it.  And I couldn't get away with anything.  I'd try to manipulate the situation and he'd quickly stop that crap.  He deamaned attention.  Nothing was off topic and he told me what we were going to do.  We talked for hours every night for about 3 weeks.  One of those nights he made me go downstairs and watch TV at the same time we were on the phone. I watched 2 hours of TV while talking about it on the phone.  I would try to evade a question and he would keep asking me about it.  He wanted to know everything.  When I laugh, I sometimes snort.  "Did you just snort?"  He laughed his ass off. That was honestly the sexiest man I have ever met. I wanted to rip his clothes off.  He was all the things I thought I wanted in a guy.

I'm kind of bossy.  Yeah, I know...you know that already.  I also get a little pushy...shocking...I am definitely a "driver" personality.  I'm the aggressive one. Always have been.  I don't get a lot of guys that stand up to me and demand that I do what they want.  I'm not sure I've ever had that before The Boss.  Because I tend to be aggressive I get the "whatever you want to do" answer.  I hate this because I feel like I make decisions all the time and I'd give anything for someone to make a decision once in awhile.  I could handle doing what someone else wants to do if it meant I just had to say "yes sir"...which The Boss never made me do....just to clarify.

So, because I am not meant to be with anyone anytime soon, The Boss moved on.  And I was devastated.  I'm not really sure what happened but we stopped talking.  I didn't hear from him for a week and I tried to reconcile but nothing.  I took the high road and unfriended him on Facebook. But this one hurt.  A couple of people expressed their concern with him before the end but I still don't see what the bad parts where.  He was what I wanted...

So this one has stuck.  I think about him occassionally (OK, more then occasionally).  I wonder what happened and maybe that is why I still hold a torch for him.  Because I don't know what went wrong. He just walked away.  And all the guys after him have been lacking in comparison to him.

I had one that I thought was a really good prospect if a bit cautious.  But we only did email because the 1st phone call went until 1am.  And the 1st time we met , we stood around for 3 hours.  All too long for this guy.  Not bad too long but he said it would be easier to just email each other so it wouldn't take so long.  After two weeks of emailing dozens of times a day, he just stopped emailing me.  He told me I was vivacious and that I was too aggressive for him.  I honestly think he was not ready to be in a relationship.  But maybe that's my ego talking.

In between then and now, I've gone on a few first dates but nothing more then that until this last one.  He is a really nice guy. Smart, funny, great friend material.  But he got involved.  He got all sorts of wrapped up in me and my personality.  He actually told me he adored me as I was trying to tell him I wasn't interested in the nicest way possible.  Poor guy even told me that I could call him if anything changed.  I could just stick with this one.  He would be a great boyfriend if there was any kind of connection on my part.  But again...he's not The Boss.  Not even close.

So I have made the decision to stop dating.  No more dating services.  No trolling Facebook applications.  I'm just done.  Because I'm not sure I even know what I want anymore.  Just saying the opposite of the ex doesn't really give me a lot of material.  And I don't want to be a serial dater.

But I have to ask, why can't this just happen?  Naturally?  I don't go to bars, so I know that cuts the options available to me down.  But how else am I supposed to meet them?  Friend of a friend?  I don't have a lot of friends...and in my age range?  Most are still married.  And I really don't want someone older then 40 or even 41.  But I'm also not getting any younger and my only option is younger guys. I married a younger guy and it was not really successful, obviously.  Not that that should mean all younger guys are not for me.  It really does come down to personality.

This all takes a lot of thought on my part and I'm tired of it.  So, no actively looking for dates.  If it's going to happen, it's going to happen without me having a hand in it.

A friend that does a blog just put together her list of what she wants in a man and I found it surprisingly fresh.  I have a list but I want to add some of her's to mine.  So expect another post so you can see what kind of demands I have for a guy, to be in a relationship.