All alone

Well, it happened.  I came home Tuesday night from work; expecting to take Milo to the vet as a follow up from his issue on Thursday....I came home alone.  I got home to pick him up and he was lethargic. Slow.  I had to pick him up and carry him down the stairs.  For some reason  I thought he was just tired from the stroke. Never mind he has been doing really well the day or two before.

We went ahead with the blood-work, to see if maybe there was some issues.  I started calling people...we got some of the results and I started crying.

This one was totally harder then Sissy.  I didn't want to lose Milo. Not that I wanted to lose Sammie, but I have never been shy about how I feel for Milo.  I have had Milo for 14 years...he was my child and my best friend.  I hate every minute of this...hate this.

Joe came (like a knight...) and we loved on him, I kissed him and then he went to sleep.  I have to admit that I was better prepared for this; thank you Sissy.

But the downside of this whirlwind of appointments with the vet in the last week is that I can not afford to pay for the vet.  I wrote a check and I am scrambling to find the money to fill it.  I could kick myself but I couldn't NOT bring him to the vet.  Why do they have to be so expensive?

I haven't slept in my apartment since Monday night. My ex has been great and I've been staying with him.  I haven't slept through this. I actually went to work on Wednesday, worked virtually til noon today and then I'm going to sleep in tomorrow and clean Joe's house.  I haven't wanted to be at home.

I haven't been alone for 14 years. I honestly don't remember a time where I have not been around someone or one/two dog.  I don't look forward to being home again. I really dread it.  But I don't think I can move in with Joe; or any of my friends really.  It's just so daunting.

I am going to miss Milo so very much. We had a relationship for the last 14 years that bordered on obsession for me. I delighted in that dog. Not that I didn't love Sissy, I adored her but Milo....he was my world. And Milo and I went through so much before we even got Sam.  I would never say that the time before the ex and Sissy were ideal. I was rubbish at being a "parent". But I wasn't any better when you added another 12 years with Sam and being married (and then divorced).  I like to think I became a good  parent with the help of Joe and just the patience and subtle guidance of my "kids".

I used to (lovely) call them my idiots.  Most people got that it was a term of endearment.  And I would never actually call them idiots because they were my everything.

I can't seem to find a good stopping point of this blog...I don't think I'll ever be able to explain to people what he meant and what she meant to me.  It meant I wasn't a horrible person because how could you be so horrible if you loved and were loved by the best damn dogs ever?  My dogs defined how I felt about me; my core being.

Milo is going to be missed.  Joe and I were going to go to his folks house this weekend to spread Sammie's ashes.  Tuesday changed that plan. Makes sense to kill to birds kind of thing.  I like that they'll be done together there.  For some reason, the thoughts of ashes being spread make me immediately think of them at the farm. Mom and Dad's house, Sammie wasn't keen on being outside without us being there and she was the same for the house Joe and I had together.  But the farm is where Sammie took a flying leap (and I mean flying) into the pond. She was young and was absolutely terrified of what the result was.  Having to swim the whole way back to shore was more work then she wanted. That's probably why she became so lazy.  Milo loved stalking the cats. I think he was just going to play with them but they tended to be smarter and never let him get close.  These are the reasons I want them at my ex-in-laws...they got a chance to be real dogs.

I cry at odd times.  Mostly when I'm alone and I find my mind wandering. I keep looking up, expecting them to be coming up the stairs....but I know they're no longer here.  So I cry but laugh too.  I remember the good times I had with them.

And the worst part? I want another dog already. I can not stand the idea of not having a dog.  My life is not complete without a dog. Ideally, I want my babies back....but I don't think I'm going to be blessed with that.  So I'm starting the search. I can't afford anything right now but I think that I should start thinking about what it is I do want in my next dog and then I can ask Joe to research the hell out of it.  He gets a kick over that. But I know that I'm doing the right thing. No one wants to be alone and I'm someone that needs to company.

Milo James and Sammie Leah

As a side note....half jest / half hope.....Should you feel the need to contribute financially to the mental well being of Shannon (i.e. pay on the vet bill), let me know! :)

Update after the vet

Well, as written in the previous post, I have visited the vet and I can't say I'm totally at ease.  There are, of course, things we have to wait to get results on.  But I didn't have to put them to sleep at that exact moment, one of my fears.  That's me being the morbid dick that I am.

Sammie had 2 of her lumps biopsied and the doctor's initial response is that she is not hopeful on one of them.  We won't know until Wednesday or Thursday.  If they are OK, then we'll just see how the others do.  At this point she didn't think Sissy Girl was in pain but it would explain her small weight loss and being kind of lethargic.  I'm super concerned and I don't want her hurting. If the tests come back positive, I can't allow her to be in pain; no matter what.

Milo was of a bigger concern to her at first.  With his age, she thought the seizures where probably organ failure.  She recommended some blood work; which was insanely expensive.  This was the cheaper option from getting some scans done to rule out brain tumor.  I took the less expensive option. I hate that my kiddos lives while at a vet office is dictated on what I can afford.

His blood-work came back negative for any failures and all his other tests where in good range.  So that leaves us with brain tumor.  The vet told me that, while his blood-work was good, he's 16 and deaf and going blind.  Is that the type of lifestyle I would want for myself.

He can have one more seizure...that's my decision.  Because, what if he just blinked too many times while swiveling his head back and forth?  This is what is in my mind instead of it being a seizure, because I don't know what to do without Milo in my life. And who do you invite to the little party at the vet when its time?  My parents want to be there for Milo.  They never really bonded with Sissy.  But Milo is their favorite for other reasons.  I explained in a previous post that you can read by clicking here.  And what about the practice husband?  He was in their lives for the last 12 years.  Having parents and practice husband in one area would be interesting.  But I think I want it to be just me in the end.  Have a little get together at the apartment and then I take them to the vet.

I have to admit that I am trying to ignore my feeling of morbidness.  I can't handle the thought of losing either of them and most definitely not around the same time.  I don't know what I would do if I opened my front door after a day at work, shopping, cleaning my car, etc and not have them running up to me.  I would cease to exist.

And that sounds so dramatic but I have had Milo 15 years and Sammie 12.  These are my children and can you imagine having to decide to put your children to sleep?  I know, to some of you, dogs are just dogs.  But to me, these are my children.  I love them no less then you love your children.

Over the next couple of days, I'm going to be staring at them more often and for longer periods of time.  It will not be inconvenient to take them outside for one last time at 10pm.  If they want to have a treat...they get 4.  Try to kick them off my bed?  I'll offer to sleep on the couch.  How else can I show them how much they have meant to me over the last 12 to 15 years?

I'm hoping this enthusiasm to be optimistic will work out in the end and allow me to not dwell on the fact that I will lose them soon.  Give me a few more years.