All alone

Well, it happened.  I came home Tuesday night from work; expecting to take Milo to the vet as a follow up from his issue on Thursday....I came home alone.  I got home to pick him up and he was lethargic. Slow.  I had to pick him up and carry him down the stairs.  For some reason  I thought he was just tired from the stroke. Never mind he has been doing really well the day or two before.

We went ahead with the blood-work, to see if maybe there was some issues.  I started calling people...we got some of the results and I started crying.

This one was totally harder then Sissy.  I didn't want to lose Milo. Not that I wanted to lose Sammie, but I have never been shy about how I feel for Milo.  I have had Milo for 14 years...he was my child and my best friend.  I hate every minute of this...hate this.

Joe came (like a knight...) and we loved on him, I kissed him and then he went to sleep.  I have to admit that I was better prepared for this; thank you Sissy.

But the downside of this whirlwind of appointments with the vet in the last week is that I can not afford to pay for the vet.  I wrote a check and I am scrambling to find the money to fill it.  I could kick myself but I couldn't NOT bring him to the vet.  Why do they have to be so expensive?

I haven't slept in my apartment since Monday night. My ex has been great and I've been staying with him.  I haven't slept through this. I actually went to work on Wednesday, worked virtually til noon today and then I'm going to sleep in tomorrow and clean Joe's house.  I haven't wanted to be at home.

I haven't been alone for 14 years. I honestly don't remember a time where I have not been around someone or one/two dog.  I don't look forward to being home again. I really dread it.  But I don't think I can move in with Joe; or any of my friends really.  It's just so daunting.

I am going to miss Milo so very much. We had a relationship for the last 14 years that bordered on obsession for me. I delighted in that dog. Not that I didn't love Sissy, I adored her but Milo....he was my world. And Milo and I went through so much before we even got Sam.  I would never say that the time before the ex and Sissy were ideal. I was rubbish at being a "parent". But I wasn't any better when you added another 12 years with Sam and being married (and then divorced).  I like to think I became a good  parent with the help of Joe and just the patience and subtle guidance of my "kids".

I used to (lovely) call them my idiots.  Most people got that it was a term of endearment.  And I would never actually call them idiots because they were my everything.

I can't seem to find a good stopping point of this blog...I don't think I'll ever be able to explain to people what he meant and what she meant to me.  It meant I wasn't a horrible person because how could you be so horrible if you loved and were loved by the best damn dogs ever?  My dogs defined how I felt about me; my core being.

Milo is going to be missed.  Joe and I were going to go to his folks house this weekend to spread Sammie's ashes.  Tuesday changed that plan. Makes sense to kill to birds kind of thing.  I like that they'll be done together there.  For some reason, the thoughts of ashes being spread make me immediately think of them at the farm. Mom and Dad's house, Sammie wasn't keen on being outside without us being there and she was the same for the house Joe and I had together.  But the farm is where Sammie took a flying leap (and I mean flying) into the pond. She was young and was absolutely terrified of what the result was.  Having to swim the whole way back to shore was more work then she wanted. That's probably why she became so lazy.  Milo loved stalking the cats. I think he was just going to play with them but they tended to be smarter and never let him get close.  These are the reasons I want them at my ex-in-laws...they got a chance to be real dogs.

I cry at odd times.  Mostly when I'm alone and I find my mind wandering. I keep looking up, expecting them to be coming up the stairs....but I know they're no longer here.  So I cry but laugh too.  I remember the good times I had with them.

And the worst part? I want another dog already. I can not stand the idea of not having a dog.  My life is not complete without a dog. Ideally, I want my babies back....but I don't think I'm going to be blessed with that.  So I'm starting the search. I can't afford anything right now but I think that I should start thinking about what it is I do want in my next dog and then I can ask Joe to research the hell out of it.  He gets a kick over that. But I know that I'm doing the right thing. No one wants to be alone and I'm someone that needs to company.

Milo James and Sammie Leah

As a side note....half jest / half hope.....Should you feel the need to contribute financially to the mental well being of Shannon (i.e. pay on the vet bill), let me know! :)