The look of love

I'm not going to excite you with the details but starting to date someone is exciting. I honestly haven't had the pleasure of dating someone for the last 3 years and then 9 years before that.  So technically, I have not had a new relationship for over 12 years.

Unfortunately...it is not like riding a bicycle.  I am learning all over again, what it means to be a partner.

I know some may ask how I went from just meeting and agreeing to be exclusive about 4 days ago; to talking about being a partner.  Nothing in this relationship is normal to me.  But normal to me is sitting in my bedroom watching Netflix on my 15" laptop and the dogs taking up 3 of the 4 corners of my bed...that was normal.

Now, I have to allow for others.  Other's opinion, other's schedule, other's emotions and other's needs.  I don't think I'm going to nail this in a record time. I'm going to fumble at first; and I already have.

I assume that everyone shows emotions my way; the way I feel love (See the 5 Love Languages for pointers...seriously).  I am a demonstrative person. I will touch you, rub your back, make dinner, buy small items...that's how I show love.  I do not say it as regularly as I should because I don't need to hear it regularly.  I typically only say it after someone else has said it and I know that that is what they are looking for; to be told...in those words. Preferably without being prompted

I had a past relationship that required (in my mind) ungodly amount of need to be touched, loved (told) and catered to.  That is my wording...in reality, he probably just asked me to do it non-stop because I was not feeding his need for attention.  He NEEDED that and I chose not to do that. Mainly because he asked for it.

I see the stupidity in it now.  He was actually trying to help me so I could love him the right way.  I chose to ignore that.  The end result was a divorce; and rightly so.

Now...I am not blind to the irony.  Not only does my man have the same first name; but he has a lot of the same needs that the practice husband had...I think God is testing me.

So I don't want to mess this up. I don't have ANY intention in getting married again. That's not an option right now.  But I do want a relationship and that means WORK.  I have to work at being in a relationship and especially in a relationship with someone that has different needs then me.  It's my responsibility to ask what his needs are and to then tell him what I'm willing and able to do.  And not cut corners but step up and be willing.  Willing to do things differently because doing things the same way gets me the same results...heartbroken.  I don't think I can do that again.

And that's another point.  If I were to go into this with all intentions of just holding back a little bit because I'm afraid of getting hurt?  I'm going to fail.  And in order to learn and grow and try love...I have to give it my all.  I can't hold back.

I can wear safety gear to a project site but I've got to get my hands dirty to build anything.