All alone

Well, it happened.  I came home Tuesday night from work; expecting to take Milo to the vet as a follow up from his issue on Thursday....I came home alone.  I got home to pick him up and he was lethargic. Slow.  I had to pick him up and carry him down the stairs.  For some reason  I thought he was just tired from the stroke. Never mind he has been doing really well the day or two before.

We went ahead with the blood-work, to see if maybe there was some issues.  I started calling people...we got some of the results and I started crying.

This one was totally harder then Sissy.  I didn't want to lose Milo. Not that I wanted to lose Sammie, but I have never been shy about how I feel for Milo.  I have had Milo for 14 years...he was my child and my best friend.  I hate every minute of this...hate this.

Joe came (like a knight...) and we loved on him, I kissed him and then he went to sleep.  I have to admit that I was better prepared for this; thank you Sissy.

But the downside of this whirlwind of appointments with the vet in the last week is that I can not afford to pay for the vet.  I wrote a check and I am scrambling to find the money to fill it.  I could kick myself but I couldn't NOT bring him to the vet.  Why do they have to be so expensive?

I haven't slept in my apartment since Monday night. My ex has been great and I've been staying with him.  I haven't slept through this. I actually went to work on Wednesday, worked virtually til noon today and then I'm going to sleep in tomorrow and clean Joe's house.  I haven't wanted to be at home.

I haven't been alone for 14 years. I honestly don't remember a time where I have not been around someone or one/two dog.  I don't look forward to being home again. I really dread it.  But I don't think I can move in with Joe; or any of my friends really.  It's just so daunting.

I am going to miss Milo so very much. We had a relationship for the last 14 years that bordered on obsession for me. I delighted in that dog. Not that I didn't love Sissy, I adored her but Milo....he was my world. And Milo and I went through so much before we even got Sam.  I would never say that the time before the ex and Sissy were ideal. I was rubbish at being a "parent". But I wasn't any better when you added another 12 years with Sam and being married (and then divorced).  I like to think I became a good  parent with the help of Joe and just the patience and subtle guidance of my "kids".

I used to (lovely) call them my idiots.  Most people got that it was a term of endearment.  And I would never actually call them idiots because they were my everything.

I can't seem to find a good stopping point of this blog...I don't think I'll ever be able to explain to people what he meant and what she meant to me.  It meant I wasn't a horrible person because how could you be so horrible if you loved and were loved by the best damn dogs ever?  My dogs defined how I felt about me; my core being.

Milo is going to be missed.  Joe and I were going to go to his folks house this weekend to spread Sammie's ashes.  Tuesday changed that plan. Makes sense to kill to birds kind of thing.  I like that they'll be done together there.  For some reason, the thoughts of ashes being spread make me immediately think of them at the farm. Mom and Dad's house, Sammie wasn't keen on being outside without us being there and she was the same for the house Joe and I had together.  But the farm is where Sammie took a flying leap (and I mean flying) into the pond. She was young and was absolutely terrified of what the result was.  Having to swim the whole way back to shore was more work then she wanted. That's probably why she became so lazy.  Milo loved stalking the cats. I think he was just going to play with them but they tended to be smarter and never let him get close.  These are the reasons I want them at my ex-in-laws...they got a chance to be real dogs.

I cry at odd times.  Mostly when I'm alone and I find my mind wandering. I keep looking up, expecting them to be coming up the stairs....but I know they're no longer here.  So I cry but laugh too.  I remember the good times I had with them.

And the worst part? I want another dog already. I can not stand the idea of not having a dog.  My life is not complete without a dog. Ideally, I want my babies back....but I don't think I'm going to be blessed with that.  So I'm starting the search. I can't afford anything right now but I think that I should start thinking about what it is I do want in my next dog and then I can ask Joe to research the hell out of it.  He gets a kick over that. But I know that I'm doing the right thing. No one wants to be alone and I'm someone that needs to company.

Milo James and Sammie Leah

As a side note....half jest / half hope.....Should you feel the need to contribute financially to the mental well being of Shannon (i.e. pay on the vet bill), let me know! :)

I swear it will be different this time

I’ve never been one for fads. I do fall for them occasionally but I tend to just not get roped in. Mostly because it means some work on my part and I tend to stay away from that. And I never do any research on things. I will buy, join or champion something if I have a friend or co-worker that tells me it works for them. Health be damned. I know that I alarm those in my life every time I get on a kick about something. Sewing, gardening, knitting, etc….I go balls out for something if I think it’s going to change me or make me better. I have a full sized room full of drawers, tables, scissors, fabric, etc because I thought I might try sewing. I will buy everything I can that might pertain to that desire. Now the sewing is sticking. More like the knitting is sticking. I’m enjoying that.




Less on the hobby side is dieting. I joined Weight Watchers a few months ago and promptly stopped doing it after a couple of weeks. I do not have the willpower to do most things. My attention span is about the size of a full grown gnat. But I’m at a place where I have to do something. When I got divorced I was almost 300 pounds. That was a direct result of the marriage not working because I tended to hide behind things. Both of us are emotional eaters and so instead of working on the marriage, we sat and ate. So when I moved into my townhouse and started walking the dogs…I lost weight. It didn’t hurt that I was not eating. In 18 months I lost 120 pounds. Full 60 pounds of that was in the first 6 months. I ended up losing another 20 pounds over the next 18 months. And then in September of 2009 I stopped doing any of the exercising I was doing that was keeping the weight off. So fast forward 20 months and I’ve put 40 of that back on. I’m dangerously close to the limit I put in my head that I could never get over. It’s DANGEROUSLY close. I’m starting to get uncomfortable with my clothes. I get winded easily. My hips are starting to get sore. All things I just cannot allow. So I started Weight Watchers but it was just not something I was going to be able to do.



The last couple of months I’ve been hearing about new diets that seem to be too good to be true. It’s like the thought process that someone has when they hear about a million dollar idea and forget about the issue that it takes more than they are probably able to give. You can’t get rich quick and so the same applies to dieting; you can’t get skinny quick.



Except I have first person endorsements. There are 3 people in my office alone that are doing this new diet and ALL of them are experiencing results. Major results. And, at the time I talked to them the first time, it seemed super easy. But nothing is ever easy.



This diet is called the HCG diet (or Skinny Up!) and is actually hugely difficult. You have a handful (and I mean a handful) meats, veggies, fruits and bread you can eat. You have to watch your calories; you have to take these drops under your tongue. You have to overcome the snack demon and the big man himself…the soda devil. There are instructions that are just contradictive to what society tells you to do to lose weight. But it promises ½ a pound to 2 lost every DAY!!!! And it’s only for 40 days. I’m doing the 30-40 pounds lost in 40 days. 40 pounds is my goal. But it takes a lot of willpower to do this. And money. If this really works, then the money is well spent. I think it’s worth the cost to ensure that I stop the weight from creeping up more each week.





Today is day 3. I made my lunch and ate every bit of it. I know what I’m having for dinner. I know what I’m taking to work for lunch tomorrow….it will probably be cheaper in the long run by having the same things over and over again. I won’t be eating a lot of food so I won’t have to buy all the crap I used to buy.



This is a huge change in my head. Right now I’m fighting the urge to eat. Nothing in particular but something. Preferably sweet and crunch. I’d drink a Diet Mountain Dew right now….probably 3 of them and Diet Mountain Dew is NASTY SHIT. I’d be down in the cafeteria getting a cookie or an ice cream bar. And I’d be throwing back the sugar packed Crystal Light flavor packets to cover up the blandness of water. I’d be full of a sugar high!





But I need this. I’m in a funk and I hate how I look. I’ve got to do something…I’m in my right mind and I am dedicated to this. It’s only 40 days. If I didn’t know people that were doing this, I’d be skeptical too. But results don’t lie.



They say it takes 21 days to break or create a habit. This is for 40 days and I honestly think this is my opportunity to change. Changing my eating habits and how I view food is something I need to do or I’m going to end up at 290 pounds again. I can’t go back to that. This is my opportunity to change, become someone that is fit and eats right and makes good decisions. I just to have to have constant vigilance and keep ahead of the “addiction” and my eye on the results. Imagine me being 40 pounds lighter in 40 days. I’m willing to lose my hair, grow some extra hair elsewhere and have to wear bunion cushions for the rest of my life if I could get back to a weight where I can shop in any store. The weight that makes men give me a second glance and one that teaches me that a 3 oz piece of chicken is really all I need. This is going to be hard. I know that but I want to be smaller and fit harder. And the weight gain fairy is on full watch with me. One of us is going to win and the other is going to have to find something else to do with their time. I’m putting money on me wining. I actually feel a little confident about this….

This is what scared looks like....

First...I suck at blogging. I honestly think I'm getting dumber.  Is that the right grammatical way to say I'm be less smart...I blame it on soda and ice cream. I seem to be getting higher and higher pounds on me and so my brain is making room.

But the real reason I find myself on my computer on Sunday at 1:51 in the morning is because I feel like I lived through something this last couple of days.  It was actually one of my biggest fears.  I thought I was going to lose Milo.

Now, Milo is 16 and bless him...he deserves some peace and quiet.  But I came home on Thursday and he was a hot wet mess.  He couldn't get off the bed.  When I got him off the bed, he couldn't walk straight. Every few minutes he would have a case of the shakes and he would whimper. I don't think that I reacted right away because, while not normal, it was still kind of funny.  Until I got a better look at him.  He wasn't able to look straight.  He did circles and then he suddenly went slack.  I grabbed him and got out the door and to the vet in about 5 minutes

After a lot of discussion and an x-ray, I took him home. Mostly because the $300 vet bill was more then I could afford and the next round of tests would have been blood work and that was another $150.  I told them that I would take him home for a bit and if needed, I'd bring him back the next day.

Looking back, I am actually very proud of myself. I don't think I over reacted.  He slept for about 15 minutes and then jump up and get disorientated.  I'd jump up and pace the perimeter of the bed so he wouldn't fall off.  That went on for a couple of hours.  It was about 1:00 am that I figured out that I could take him off the bed and that way I could still sleep.

Friday found him better. Not 100% but definitely better. I think we agreed it was a stroke.  Seems like a minor one but still scary.

Saturday brought him doing laps around the downstairs.  I don't know that I was every happier then I was to see him get a little pep in his step.  For a 16 year old dog, he's pretty spry.

And the one thing that I did? I stayed calm. I truly did.  I'm really proud of myself.

But the thought of Milo leaving me?  That is what scared looks like...

Week 2

I don't know if I was any more productive this week because, looking back, I didn't get that much done.

• Walking
• This last week was better, weather-wise. I managed to do 6.5 miles. I didn't walk yesterday because I was out of town and Milo had a yard to do his business in.  And I didn't do a full mile on Thursday because I was coming down with a cold and wasn't sure I'd make the mile. But 6.5 is pretty good.
• Goals for the next week
• Well, first, my goals for last week were not met.  
• I wanted to get my emails down to a reasonable level and I can tell you that I did not achieve that.  As a matter of fact I managed to increase my emails.  I was out of the office on Friday because of my cold so I'm backed up again.
• I wanted to get through my laundry and I didn't not get to it all.  I was able to put away a few but between getting a cold and being somewhere outside of the house, I didn't get a lot done.
• This coming weeks goals
• I want to go to the gym at least twice next week and at the minimum do 20 minutes of cardio.  This may be somewhat of a challenge since I'm getting over a cold but I think it's doable.
• Emails - I'm going to put this down again because its something that needs to be done.
• Savings
• I did not put anything into savings but I also did not take anything out of savings
• Weight Loss
• I have to admit I'm glad I have a cold. I have no appetite and have lost about 4 pounds.  I realize that will come back when I start to eat again but I'm also hoping that my "habit" of eating all the time will be broke with this cold.  I can only hope
• Activities
• It was my Dad's 65th birthday on the 2nd and I helped plan and execute a surprise birthday party. So I spent most of the day with the parental units.  It was a nice way to spend the day with them and see some of their friends.  They've got a great group of friends.
• I didn't really do much else because I was sick.  But it was kind of nice to just veg.  I'm currently watching season 3 of Ugly Betty.  I had no desire to watch it when it was on TV but for some reason, I like it.  I'm kind of hooked.
• Shot at the Bullet Hole.  Did I tell you that I bought a gun? I think I did but could be wrong.  I did and I'll post about that later.  But I'm trying to go shooting every Wednesday because its free range fees for women. So I've been going for a month or so.  I like going because it's a stress reliever but it's also a way to help me focus on one thing.  And I want to get to a point where I feel comfortable with the gun and able to shoot with accuracy.  But this Wednesday was HORRIBLE.  I keep track of how many bullets I shoot and how many hit the target....I was way off on Wednesday.  But that's OK, it takes time to get used to the guy and then more time to hit with accuracy.
• Chores
• I cleaned the kitchen, dining room and living room.  I started downstairs because that is what people see and I had a few people over and I didn't want to make excuse for why this place looks like a shit hole.

So this last week was a good start.  Not great but a good start.  I'm going to make a point of getting active again.  I really do want to lose some weight.  I'd like to get down to a reasonable size by the end of the summer. I don't think it's unreasonable...