Sammie is home

I brought Sissy home last night.  Its good to have her here.  It actually made me feel better.  I cried harder then I did when I actually put her to sleep.  I guess I thought that the passing would be the hardest part.  But her ashes made me cry very hard and long.  She is really gone.

I know this all sounds overly dramatic and girly but this actually hit me hard.  I was prepared for Milo (to a point).  He's older and I just figured he would be the first.  Sammie was so sudden.  I wasn't prepared.  And I'm always prepared.  Within a 2 hour period it was decided and executed.  How can you be prepared for that?

And the amount of second guessing and wishing thinking has me up at night.  What if I had just decided on so little information?  What if I should have tried a different option? Did I kill her?  I know it's unrealistic to think things that could have gone differently because it happened the way it's supposed to have happened.

And the total outpouring of love for her is surprising.  I realize that I withhold my love from people.  Not something I'm proud of, mind you, but I give everything to my dogs.  My fur babies have my heart.

I'm putting a scrapbook together for Sissy Girl.  I take that back, I'm not putting it together...I'm paying someone to put it together.  I picked out the paper and book; all the pictures.  I've given it to the lady and I hope to get it back soon.  I'm going to put some pictures on here so you can see them.


I swear this will be the last time I vomit up more stuff about Sissy girl....well maybe I'll post one time after I get the scrapbook.

Thank you for letting me indulge in this.  I promise to go back to my old cynical and bitchy self soon.

Not really a full week

I swear I started this yesterday but things came up and I didn’t get it all done.






I did the bare minimum this week. I kind of checked out this week. I wasn't done mourning Sissy. I'm not going to apologize for that, I continued to for awhile there. But I wasn't really admitting to people how much it was hurting. My first real death of someone I loved so much. I went through the gamete of feeling like I killed her to feeling like I was not paying attention enough because I could have caught it sooner. All unrealistic expectations. So I just cried and slept. I woke up Thursday afternoon and just decided it was over; I could still be sad and miss her but I was done letting it run me. So Friday, I went to work. And I actually worked. Wasn't really as productive as I'd like but better then the day before. But I felt better. I feel better.



So, that's my excuse for the start of my first week challenge.



1. Walking

I walked 5 miles between Tuesday and today. I walked 2 of those Sunday alone. I had to have a tire replaced so I drove it there, walked home and then walked back to pick it up. And when it was nice out, I walked the whole complex, which is 1.3 miles. The last couple of days, being cold, I did the least amount of walk I could get away with. I didn’t go to the gym. I wasn’t showering on a regular basis last week so going to the gym wasn’t even something that was possible. It’s going to start getting warmer and I know that Milo loves to walk. So I’m sure I’m going to be putting in the 7 miles I’d like.



2. Goals

o My goals for this week are simple.

•  I want to get my emails at work down to a reasonable level.

I keep all my emails and my inbox at work is for all my action items. Things I need to work on. And then I file all others into other folders for reference later. I had my inbox filled up with about 1,500 emails at one time. Obviously this is not a representation of what I was REALLY working on but it was overwhelming every time I looked for something. So, around New Years, I went through my inbox and got it down to 300. That was amazing to me. But my goal was to never go over 500. I am at 942 today. I need to get below 500 again. This also means I have to do a lot of things in order to get the emails down. I’m thinking some late night working! So my goal is to get my emails down to 500.

• I want to get my laundry off my chair and put away

I’ve got a LARGE pile of laundry that I have. It’s all clean but never put away. Over probably the last couple of months. I am constantly having to dig through this pile to find something to wear. Instead of putting it away as soon as it comes out of the dryer, I throw it on the pile, assuming I’ll get back to it. I need to get back to it badly. I’m starting to lose track of my wardrobe and when I find something I haven’t seen for awhile it’s like a I bought a new outfit.



3. Savings

• My goal was to put ANYTHING I could into savings.

I managed to actually take money from my savings account due to a tire issue with the Cube. Fantastic way to end a week that was kind of draining and frustrating. So instead of saving, I spent. I’ll fix that this coming week…I hope.



4. Lost Weight

o My goal was to lose a few pounds each week.

Unknown if lost or gained.

 I didn’t bother getting on the scale this morning. Mostly because I was running late but also because I wasn’t sure I wanted to see that number. Not only did I not lose, I’m assuming, but I’ll bet that I gained. I went through my budget this morning for the previous several days and then looked further back to each purchase. I keep track of what I bought, where I bought it, how much it was and what kind of Category it fell into. Food, entertainment, utilities, etc…I buy A LOT of food. And I know that but I also know that I don’t tend to eat all of it. It’s a huge waste of my money. So I’m going to try to keep track of exactly what I spend (as I spend it) so I can see right away how much money is going to waste. And the bonus of that is that I’ll see what I’m eating because it’s not just a random run into QuikTrip and grabbing a Mango Smoothie (which I LOVE).



5. Activities done

o I visited the Diana exhibit at Union Station

My two girlfriends and I met at Crowne Center for dinner and then to look through the exhibit. (I think I need to add a mile or two to my miles…) We didn’t get to go in because it was closed…my girlfriend that did the organizing of the get together didn’t check. We walked all over the place to find somewhere to sit and talk. So it was a short get together but I walked all over and in heels…

o I knitted

I am about 2 inches away from finishing a scarf for my Aunt. Her birthday is the 15thand I’d like to get it finished soon. I am going to be “embroidering” something on it but that takes next to no time. I’m making the same thing for my Mom and I finished her’s a week ago. I am also working on putting together an afghan out of this gorgeous bluish green yarn. I’m looking forward to getting that done. And of course I have a lot of other projects I want to do. I’m only knit stitching and so I need to learn how to purl. That’s my next goal. Start the next “scarf test” with the new stitch. I think I want to do a scarf for my Dad for Christmas but need to learn how to cable knit.

6. Chores

o I cleaned the kitchen and cleaned out the fridge. I need to do a bit more but the basic cleaning is done.



This last week was a rough one. I’m not going to lie, I spent a lot of time in bed and watching TV. I just didn’t want to do anything. But it’s getting better. This weekend was full of stuff to do and I didn’t freak out about being away from Milo. A big step.

So my goals being email and laundry seem like a small thing but I assure you it’s not. Especially the emails. I’d like to get that done by Wednesday night. I have very little to do tonight and Wednesday so I think it’s doable.


I’d like to think that I’ll be able to make this much more interesting. I’d really like that to happen so you’re not completely bored to tears with my pathetic life. Maybe I’ll start thinking funny again.

After its all said and done....

I'm not half bad at being a person.  I may not do things the right way or even on time but overall I think I'm holding my own.

I've spent the last couple of days looking at myself and trying to gauge what needs to change.  The winds of change are coming...literally, the weather forecast for Kansas City is, well, mostly cloudy but it's pretty windy out there...

That was a really lame joke....I apologize!

But somethings got to change.  My weight, my motivation, my goals, my desire to have some sort of savings account.  All these things only change because I want them to change.  This is solely on me.  And, really, now you....

I think I'm going to commit to something.....dare I?

I think I'm going to turn this blog into my personal war against myself.  I hate where I am in life and I definitely hate my body.  I'm frustrated with finances and I'm woefully out of touch with my hobbies.  So why not tout that journey back from the abyss in front of all of you?

Now, one of many things is going to happen.  I will forget to post....for like ever...or I will go balls out and post a ton of shit that pertains to nothing.  Deflecting from the fact that I'm not keeping my promise.

Or...this could be big.  Something that holds me accountable to all 4 of you followers.  Which is actually 3, Tracy follows me twice as much so will always be my favorite.  This could become really something for me to use to motivate myself.  That is how I'm going to think of it.  I have the random reader that gets forwarded to my blog that I hope to enrapture and then I know there are more then 3 reading this.  I have at least 4 more I know of...but that's a ton of people to me.  If I know that many people are on the edge of their seat, wanting to know all about this, I'm going to be more inclined to follow through.  I'm trying to hype this up so much that I'll freak out and just go for it.  You may get a post in a few days that says I was under the influence of a Twinkie when typing that post and I hope you forget.


This may grow into something great.  I hope so.

So here is my goal:

1. I am going to post every Sunday about the following items:

• How many miles I did, either at the gym or walking the "Survivor: Overland Park" winner - Milo.
• Listing my goals for the next week
• What I was able to put into savings for that week (even if it was the $2.71 I would spend at QuikTrip
• If I lost any weight for the week.
• How many activities I did that were instead of watching 16 hours of Netflix on a Saturday
• Dishes, vacuuming, and laundry done by Sunday

So....30 day challenge

I want 7 miles a week
I want 2 NEW goals a week
I want $20 in savings a week
I want 2 pounds lost a week
I want one project worked on for 30 minutes a week
I want laundry put away in the closet and dresser


Big things to achieve.  April 22nd is 30 days....can't wait to see what happens.



Forgive me now for any lack of follow through I will probably do.

It happened

I came home last night and found Sissy Girl lethargic and feverish.  Got her to an emergency vet and within an hour and a half she was gone. There were tumors in her stomach and spleen.  She was lethargic because of blood loss from the tumors in her stomach.  The only other option was to do surgery and I did not think that was really an option for her.

Called the parental units and let them know.  Called the practice husband; who came to the vet and sat with us when it was time.  And waited for the vet to come back with the stuff.  She wasn't actually aware I think.  She wasn't feeling good.

First syringe was to put her to sleep, under sedation.  She just kind of closed her eyes and slept.  I couldn't stay for the syringe that stopped her heart.  I couldn't watch her die.  Joe stayed with her.  He went above and beyond and I'm so glad he was there. I just wasn't able to do that.  Probably a chicken shit way to do it but I think she wasn't aware of me being there after going to sleep.

I'm having her cremated and I'll keep her ashes.  I want to find a container for them; so I can put them on a shelf.

I have to say that I thought Milo would go first.  I wasn't prepared for this.  It was sudden.  But it was the best thing for her.

Now, today....I keep expecting her to jump up on the bed, start whining or shed a pound of hair in 3minutes.  I listen for her and expect to see her out of the corner of my eye.


It was weird walking only Milo.  It'll be weird not brushing her everyday.  The belly rubs and chasing her around the house.  The crowing....I'm going to really miss her talking to me when I come home.  I just bought 50 pounds of dog food...this is going to last us a couple of months.

Sissy girl was a great dog, she was the most loving dog I've ever seen and she was the biggest belly whore!  You could win her over within 2 minutes if you just bent over and rubbed her belly.  No loyalty after that!

I hope she knows how much she is going to be missed. I hope she knows how much she is loved.

 Thank you God for giving us the best Sissy Girl.

Can I come out now?

I think I have beat myself about the head and shoulders enough now.  I'm tired of being tired.  I hate that my life has taken on this dull color.  I want to be done with this depression and put it away for good.  I want that very much.

But I can't stop eating pennies right away.  I've got to do this in stages.  First couple of days....take showers.  Next set of days....take trash out.  And after that?  Lots of things to get back into the habit of doing.

What woke me up?  I bought a gun this last weekend.  And I had people all over the world asking me if I'm OK and they are worried.  This surprised me because I bought the gun because I wanted to get into shooting practice more.  And it was kind of something I had been wanting to do for awhile and had the tax money to support it.  But I was astonished by the number of people that contacted me about this and were honestly concerned for me.


I was surprised and didn't realize I was giving off the vibe that I was depressed.  I was, don't get me wrong, but I didn't think others knew it.  I'm grateful for my friends and their concern.

So that kind of spooked me and made me realize that I needed to get my head out of my ass and do something about it.  And I have:

1. Med check with doctor and found that we can back off of one of my meds
2. Therapist appointments made
3. Reaching out to others when I need to talk or just need someone around me
4. Making conscious efforts to do the right things
5. Put my checkbook away
6. Start buying groceries instead of eating out
7. Go to work and while there...work
8. Stop letting others irritate me so bad that I shut down

ETC.........

I really want to stop going down the path I was headed...it smelled an awful lot like my past and I want to not relive that.