Christmas

I have my Christmas tree up....I put it up around the 17th of October. In my defense, I put it up because it was new from a friend last Christmas and I wanted to make sure the lights worked. I also hadn't had a tree up for over 5 years so I wasn't sure I had enough decorations. I had every intention of putting it away.


But the lights didn't work completely on the tree and my friend Crawford spent about 45 minutes fooling around with it. I kept telling her I had lights that I would just put up. And I have a good number of ornaments that I think will fill up the tree, but I think I'll need more. That was my ulterior motive really. I wanted new ornaments. And a tree skirt and a tree topper...

In the past, I wanted nothing to do with Christmas for the most part. I loved the shopping for others. I would spend an ungodly amount of money on people. The practice husband was easily a couple of hundred dollars (one year I did $500 – insane and I managed to turn some of our utilities off because of that). But never really did decorations. It was too damn cheery. People were fake and smelled like rum cake. I hated Christmas for the jolly and giving reputation it had. And I couldn’t deal with the crappy and cheap decoration. Too much red and green and gold…tinsel and gingerbread….hot chocolate and candy canes…made me want to puke…mostly because I was just a miserable human being. Merry Fucking Christmas…

So I didn’t decorate and I spent Christmas time trying to figure out how to look like I was enjoying the time with friends and family. A lot of fake smiling.

The last 2 years, I’ve kind of mellowed. I wasn’t really into Christmas but it was a bit easier to be around everyone. I was entertained and somewhat mollified. I actually listened to Christmas music last year. And a transformation happened. I started liking the cheer. I bought a wreath and decorated it. I put it up on my door at the townhouse. I put a little garland on my coffee table and arranged some ornaments decoratively. I listened to Christmas music and sat by the fire. For shits sake….I watched It’s A Wonderful Life….

I guess I came out of my Bah Fucking Humbug mode. Now, I want to put my tree up and decorate it. I’m looking forward to putting up my wreath. I’m actually not sure when I’ll be “allowed” to do that. Maybe Thanksgiving? There are a couple of radio stations here that started playing Christmas music 24x7 November 1 and I think they go to midnight on Christmas. I make fun of them but that is the radio station I listen to when in the car. I haven’t got caught yet!

I think the other part of looking forward to Christmas is that I’m making all my gifts. ALL OF THEM. I have about 18 gifts that I am hoping to make. I need to get my rear in gear because Christmas is only 47 days away. Yes…47. Fuck…I’ve got to do some crafting…

I guess there is an exception to the ALL OF THEM…I have to do something for Mr. Burke. This is hard because we just started seeing each other but I’m making an assumption we’ll be seeing each other at Christmas time. What do you get a guy who has nothing I think he needs but probably doesn’t want? I can’t spend a lot but I need to figure something out. Not sure what I would make…I’d be open to suggestions!

And Christmas is about the birth of Jesus. I know there is a lot of discussion about whether this truly is the birth of Christ or just a shopping holiday. And it comes down to the belief you have in your soul. I know what was done for me. I know what I am blessed to have. I know how much I am loved. So why wouldn’t I want to be of good cheer?

First Big Meet

Burke met the folks this weekend.

I would say that it went well and it would be true to say that everyone seemed to get along.  It did not go well for me...

I started the weekend off with getting no sleep Friday night.  This is not unusual, it happens sometimes with the way my meds work.  But this was a recipe for disaster this weekend.  I was already nervous about Burke coming to my house; due to the difference in our amount of things we own.  I was really nervous about how he would view the place I called home.  I had a lot of stuff and he is very minimalistic.

So that was the first thing I was nervous about this weekend.  Because it was not stressful enough for him to spend the night with me I decided to add meeting my folks to the mix.  Another thing to be nervous about.

The meet went well and everyone liked everybody.  I am getting this information through my folks and Burke because I was totally out of commission.  I had lost contact with reality.

I started vibrating around noon.  I made the decision to take my stimulant that morning regardless of not getting sleep.  Hoping it would help me stay on top of my game.   I didn't think it would have a negative effect but it did.  I was not able to sit still and couldn't manage to regulate my body temperature. I literally paced the house.  Stopping to straighten something or move the kitchen stuff around.  I'd rest for a bit and my mom or pickle would try to talk to me, telling me to relax and just breathe.  I would have liked to have told them to fuck off but I couldn't have completed a sentence at this point.  I kept starring at the clock and fidgeting.

I walked through the day as if I was about 5 steps behind reality.  This is what happens when I am nervous.  And I've been nervous a lot lately.  I shake and get to talking 936 miles a minute.  I definitely go manic.  But I start over analyzing things and worry.  I start hyperventilating and the shakes become all over the body tremors.  In other words, I act like I'm on crack...

He got there and everything was fine....I think they talked about food or something.  Dad did a pretty good job of staying engaged and after about 154 hours...the folks left.  I just about rolled out of my chair...I was exhausted.  Burke did a great job of calming me down and we went on a walk with the dogs.  The cold air helped clear out the cobwebs for a bit.

The primary reason for having Burke come over was that I was having dinner with some friends in my Cube Car Club.  I wanted Burke to go with me.  Mainly because I had always been the odd girl out with the group.  I started the group with one guy and we had a 3rd join shortly afterwards.  We've been trying to find more since.  The two guys always had their wife or kid with them and I was the token single girl.  But not anymore!!! I was bring Burke to show him off. As a side note....we had a new guy show up to the dinner so that brings us to 4!!!!  And right now we have 2 others that are going to try to come to the next one. 

Yes, I know this makes me a dork but I am so happy that we have a car club.  It's exciting to meet new people and hang out with people that I normally might never have met.  I love that I get to plan things since I'm a total planner in life.

But back to the story...I started crashing around 6pm.  We were meeting for dinner at 6 and between having no sleep for about 36 hours and the pressure of Burke meeting friends and family...I about passed out.  I tried to get a kick of sugar before the dinner, hoping that would help me rally up for the dinner but it didn't...

I spent dinner watching the TV in the restaurant and not speaking to anyone. Not out of rudeness but because I kind of tuned everyone out.  I was completely out of it. I think I was asked a question or two but I honestly don't remember what we talked about.  By the time we got the check and went home, I was on fumes...  Got upstairs, in PJ's, meds and gave a small snuggle to Burke, then promptly fell asleep.  It was 8:15pm....I'm a winner!

Burke did awesome with meeting everyone. I wish I could have been able to help guide him and support him through the day. Burke was nervous too but he was stellar that night. Especially since he had to entertain himself after 8pm. He got to entertain himself and I think he got watch a couple of movies. I'm a great girlfriend.  Sorry Burke!!!

I think I'm going to stick with driving to his place or him to mine and watching movies....I don't know that I would live through another Saturday like that!

Horoscope 11/5/10

I think someone actually puts a camera in my house, car and work and then sends me cryptic messages disguised as horoscopes.  Most of the time they are crap and useless, I deleted them right away.  But just enough make me wonder and I think they saw me get dressed today...

Here's my horoscope for the day:

From time to time we all have to take a hard look at our lives to see where we are going. But when you think about your life an inner voice tends to criticize you Shannon. Today you feel that your life is far from being the way you think it should be. Try not listening to this voice or try to prove it wrong.

For some reason, the committee of 12 in my head is telling me to jump ship.  Not just from one thing or another but to jump off the Titanic, you have a better chance of surviving in the freezing cold water...with SHARKS!!!

Have I ever mentioned sharks terrify the shit out of me?  No?  Well, they do.  This picture actually terrifies me.  Makes me what to poop my pants. And I'm not kidding. I can't look directly at it, out of fear.  I refuse to watch Shark Week, it literally makes me cry. 

The biggest thing about this fear is that it is totally irrational.  I live in KANSAS....no sharks in Kansas.  BUT...there might be one in a lake or river.  Any standing body of water.  If I can't see the bottom, my bottom is not getting in it.  Period.  Maybe when I was drinking but not as a sober human being.  If I am close to water, like in a boat or something.  I'm in the middle of boat, away from the sides because those fuckers can LEAP out of the water and take a man down...I want no part of that.  So I tend to just NOT go on the water.  So far, I haven't missed anything.  I don't get 3rd degree sunburns by sitting in a cabin or under a tree.  I don't puke at the end of the day because I've ingested 2 kegs worth of beer.  And I haven't had to compete with other women to show off my tits...overall, I think I have the better afternoon.

I had to take the picture out while I was typing this.  The picture is just too graphic for me.

So back to the point of this horoscope blog that has gone so terribly wrong.  I want to jump ship because it just seems like it would be so much easier then actually doing anything else.  I have a kitchen full of dishes, my craft room is now a small 8th wonder of the world and I have vacuumed 3 times because my bastard dogs are not done shedding yet.  And I have 18 projects I have to get done in the next month and a half.  I have SHIT TO DO....and I am finding myself doing everything but those things. 

I have a group of people coming over tomorrow.  It has been my goal all week to get my house straightened out just enough to actually feel comfortable with them there.  A week....I picked up my living room because Crawford came over last night. I know she wouldn't have cared what it looked like but I was embarrassed.  not embarrassed enough to actually clean. I merely transplanted that stuff to the craft room.  I'm thinking of going and buy hazard tape and putting it across my whole craft room so no one would get hurt if they waded in.

Mr Burke is also coming over (and he'll meet some friend and family - poor guy).  So that means I have to clean upstairs; my bedroom.  .  My bedroom has not had a visitor for awhile so it's been eye opening to see what I have been living like for 3 years.

With all of this said, my house is not really dirty, just disheveled.  I'm not big on cleaning because it's just me.  But, since I'll have company on a more frequent basis, I've got to take a stance now to get it in shape so it's just easier to maintain on a regular basis. I used to be RIGID about cleaning when I was married.  Sunday was the day to clean house and I would take about 4 hours.  But that was a 4 bedroom 2.5 bath house with a semi-finished basement.  And a dog that loses more hair in a week then I do in a year.  She is seriously a shedder.  Sunday was also the day I would go through the house and straighten all the pictures and paintings.  I was trying to channel Martha Stewart...

BUT....I am not a hoarder.

That is a lot of shit.

 



Overgrown

My house has become overgrown.  I've been spending time at Mr Burke's and I swear he has next to nothing.  He's got a few things here and there but overall it's bare. 

In reality, he probably has the completely appropriate amount of things.  I walk into my house and I'm suffocating.  I have things on all my walls.  I have knick knacks on shelves and on coffee tables.  I have a work room that is PACKED.  It can be more organized in that room and I hope it will be eventually but overall, I am a pack rack.

My house is funky, quirky...fun.  I like what I've done with the walls and furniture.  I like my dining room and living room.  I'm getting to a good place in my bedroom.  I can't change kitchen or bathrooms but they are still tastefully decorated. 

It's just that I have something everywhere.  When I first moved in, I had glass tables and couches.  I had nothing on the walls and nothing on the floors.  Very minimalistic and modern.  No one could touch a piece of my furniture...not without cleaning themselves first.  But about 10 months ago, I changed.  I decided to put some pictures on one wall. That was all.  But that kind of wet the whistle.  I decided to put up shelves on another wall....it's packed with little crap.

Then I bought a HUGE picture frame that I put over the fireplace.  I painted it with chalkboard paint and I write in chalk or draw things on it.  I then put pictures in frames IN the frame.  It looks really cool but that's more stuff.

I have rugs down and I really like them.  I have some plants that I haven't destroyed yet on a coffee table that has the obligatory coffee table book on it and then 3 small bird cages.

I have paintings all down my hall and I have pictures of dogs up all over the workroom.

I have a "3rd" bedroom sized storage area that is packed to the rafters.  I'm not kidding.  I don't think I could fit in a 2,000 square foot house comfortably.   I have stuff.

I normally, go through my stuff every 6 months or so and purge.  Like a serious purge.  I don't have sentimental stuff really.  It's just stuff.  So I think I'm going to have to go through my stuff in January and do a purge.  I need to get it under control because I refuse to open my door one day, to a camera man and organizational specialist and they start taping my personal Hoarder's episode.

Plus I think it would be nice to shop for all new stuff.

Negotiating

I am working with an IT company to put together a proposal of services to help support my church. I had interviewed several companies that are local and small enough to make it affordable to the church. My church has NO IT support and earlier this year, when their email server went down, there was no support and they were without email for over 2 weeks. It’s amazing how many people will email the pastors, rather than call. They had to announce it at every service on the weekends. I know if it was my company that would be completely unacceptable. We go down occasionally but it’s an hour or 2….anything more than that and we’re losing thousands every hour. It’s not an option. But we also have 24/7 monitoring and Service Level Agreements in place that make sure that doesn’t happen. But a small church doesn’t have that luxury.

Until now. The proposal is pretty fair in my eyes. I have a few concerns and I’m willing to put together the “list of demands” from everyone else so I can talk to the company about them and see what our options are. I have to admit that I think this is fun. This is what I do but on a much larger scale for my job. And I think that I may impress some of the people from the church because they really are not tech savvy or even business savvy. Running a business and running a church are 2 different things.

So I’ll be negotiating with the company to determine what concessions they’ll make and what we’re willing to pay. I like playing negotiator and keeping a poker face. I, obviously, cannot make decisions for the church but I do get to talk intelligently to this company about my expectations. I like being an adult sometimes.

Having interviewed and recommended this company, I have a pretty good feel for how they do business. I’m impressed. So impressed, actually, that I’m thinking of selling them my services. I think I would be a great addition to their company. They would be able to offer higher level project management and even vendor relations. I think I would be a good match to the company as it’s small and growing. It would enable me to have smaller projects (with smaller budgets) and I can be more one on one with clients. I honestly think a smaller company would be a better fit for me at this point in my career. I’m getting to be a little bit of a small fish in a big pond in my current company. Not that that is bad but I think I work better when I know I’m out performing others. It’s the competition. And I've been with my company almost 11 years.  I don't think there is much of a career path for me because it's my boss then the CIO of the company.  My boss is new, so not going anywhere and I'll never be the CIO because I don't have anengineering background.  So I'm kind of limited.

Of course, there are negatives to this. I’m not sure they can afford me. I can’t really take a reduction at this point. And insurance and such…all things I have perfectly balanced with my current job. So I would potentially lose some money, which I can’t afford. .

But I’m trying to think of a way to send my resume to the owner and sell him the concept of having me work for him. I think I have it thought out and I can just forward the resume and see what happens….but I don’t want to talk over his head but I also want to sound professional and eager. This will probably not happen; the offer of a job. But I think it’s a good start to doing something about needing change. Otherwise, I’m cashing out my 401K, moving to a MUCH cheaper place, going to school and then starting a new career.

And what career?  I have a few ideas but I think they are ideas because they seem fun but probably not profitable.  I'm getting a little of the Peter Pan syndrome.  I'd like to stop being an adult and just play with my toys.