Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

I have lived when I never thought I would live. After the divorce, I didn't think I would be able to live without my practice husband. I remember sitting in my therapist’s office, on my knees, weeping with huge hiccups. You know, the kind of crying where you can’t talk because you are trying to bring in these huge gulps of air and you just can’t keep up with the need to talk, to tell someone how much it hurts. Just the gut wrenching sobbing…I could not live without the practice husband in my life. How could you suggest it? I would take him in any way possible; even if it was not healthy.

And then I got to a point where I just could not be around him. I was hurting so much because he didn’t want me back. He wanted me in his life and I wanted to be in his life too but he did not want me the way I wanted him. It got too hard…so I walked away from him. And I lived. I managed to get dressed the next day. The next week I was able to stop looking at my phone to see if I had a text from him. It took me awhile but I didn’t think about him as much. And it started to hurt less. I even went on a few dates…things that I thought I would never be able to do because it wasn’t him. How was I ever going to be loved the way he loved me? I’ll never find anyone ½ as good as him as a person. No one is ever going to be as funny as him. But I was paying my bills. I was going to meetings. I ate dinner. I even went to a few movies; alone.

Now, he’s back in my life but in a different context. I don’t want a relationship with him. He is now not healthy. He has a lot to work on and it’s not my job to help him with that. We’ll go to movies or dinner. Its fun to text him things that I know he’ll find funny. He’s helping me with my bills and I’m doing his grocery shopping. It’s a relationship that is built on a friendship and even love that is deep but that we are no longer in love with each other. But that is such a different place then I was over the last couple of years.

I used to think that I will never love someone as much as I loved him. But I have never been in love with someone like I was with him. Maybe, someday, I’ll find someone that just takes my breath away. I think I loved him as much as I could but I believe that I’m capable of much more now. I have this emotional well that I have no idea where the bottom is but it’s beyond my sight. And I’m willing to take the chance to love someone else, to give of myself readily to someone else. There is such potential for pain but I am so excited about the other side of that coin. I am so ready for the chance to prove to someone how much I am capable of…

But now, I can live without him. I have to because he's not "the one" anymore. He's a friend that I love and will always love.  But he could not fulfill my needs, and I have to have my needs fulfilled.

So I used to think I couldn't live without him but I know I can and I want to.  Anything that I think I can't live without are probably things that I shouldn't be holding onto.  My need for Diet Coke isn't necessarily something that I would die without.  And even my pills for the bipolar...I could live without. At least I hope I would. But that's not something I'm willing to test.  I keep thinking that I have to have 52 oz of slushy from Quik Trip or I'll never get through the day, yet I do.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

There are so many people that have helped me over the years, to get to this place and time.

My parents for sacrificing so much of their time and love (and money) to make me safe within my world. For calling me all the time and getting me out of the house. And then just for being my friends too.  They truly love me and want me to be safe and happy.

My dog Milo.  Milo was with me when I went through my tough time when I was 23.  And he's been there for me through the divorce.  He is always going to love me and it really is because of him that I"m alive.  I so did not want to be alive but I couldn't leave him alone.

My friends in the program. For showing me what a sober way of life looks like. And that I don't have to drink to achieve that life.

The program...for all the promises that it gives me.

My friends outside the program that have stuck through the worst parts with me. Weathered my anger and lying.  Only to be there on the other side of the shit storm.  They are so patient.

And I guess the one thing that has made me feel like my life was worth living was me.  My life is worth living for because I am worth living.  I'm not going to be a famous person or filthy rich...but I've got a pretty good life. And so much to look forward to.  Why would I want to miss out on anything?  Pain or joy...it's a great way to experience things; to be present and willing.

30 days of posting

 I'm totally stealing this from a blog I came across. I've since lost who the blog was between copy and pasting. My Internet Explorer crashed on me between them and luckily I tend to start my posts in Word to make sure all my grammar and spelling are correct so I didn’t lose this whole thing…just the blog I was on to swipe this from. F'ing Microsoft bastards.


I like the idea of opening up a little bit about myself and letting all 3 (yes...I now have 3 followers!!!!! I'm going pro!) people that follow my blog know so much about me. So here is what I'm going to write about for the next 30 days:


Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself



Just to set expectations now….don't expect a post every single day for the next 30 'cause that’s a pretty big commitment and I just know me. Now, I could surprise all of us and do it every day. Don’t be upset if we’re doing this over the next 3 months…I do promise to have this done before January 1!!


So, Day 1 -- here's something I hate about myself: I hate my desperate and pathetic need to be the center of attention. I like to think I'm a confident person who likes who she is and believes in herself, but my perverse need for attention stands in stark contrast to that perception. I try very hard to be less of an attention-whore, but I just don't have as much fun socially if I'm not dominating the conversation or having everyone all around me hang on every word of my fascinating stories Fortunately I'm blessed to have friends who don't seem to care and love me anyway even though I hog the spotlight, but I still feel like a dick the next day when I realize how much of a jerk I was. I really beat myself up over this but I can't seem to stop.



Well, that was fun! Let's hope Day 2 can keep this momentum going!