Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

I have lived when I never thought I would live. After the divorce, I didn't think I would be able to live without my practice husband. I remember sitting in my therapist’s office, on my knees, weeping with huge hiccups. You know, the kind of crying where you can’t talk because you are trying to bring in these huge gulps of air and you just can’t keep up with the need to talk, to tell someone how much it hurts. Just the gut wrenching sobbing…I could not live without the practice husband in my life. How could you suggest it? I would take him in any way possible; even if it was not healthy.

And then I got to a point where I just could not be around him. I was hurting so much because he didn’t want me back. He wanted me in his life and I wanted to be in his life too but he did not want me the way I wanted him. It got too hard…so I walked away from him. And I lived. I managed to get dressed the next day. The next week I was able to stop looking at my phone to see if I had a text from him. It took me awhile but I didn’t think about him as much. And it started to hurt less. I even went on a few dates…things that I thought I would never be able to do because it wasn’t him. How was I ever going to be loved the way he loved me? I’ll never find anyone ½ as good as him as a person. No one is ever going to be as funny as him. But I was paying my bills. I was going to meetings. I ate dinner. I even went to a few movies; alone.

Now, he’s back in my life but in a different context. I don’t want a relationship with him. He is now not healthy. He has a lot to work on and it’s not my job to help him with that. We’ll go to movies or dinner. Its fun to text him things that I know he’ll find funny. He’s helping me with my bills and I’m doing his grocery shopping. It’s a relationship that is built on a friendship and even love that is deep but that we are no longer in love with each other. But that is such a different place then I was over the last couple of years.

I used to think that I will never love someone as much as I loved him. But I have never been in love with someone like I was with him. Maybe, someday, I’ll find someone that just takes my breath away. I think I loved him as much as I could but I believe that I’m capable of much more now. I have this emotional well that I have no idea where the bottom is but it’s beyond my sight. And I’m willing to take the chance to love someone else, to give of myself readily to someone else. There is such potential for pain but I am so excited about the other side of that coin. I am so ready for the chance to prove to someone how much I am capable of…

But now, I can live without him. I have to because he's not "the one" anymore. He's a friend that I love and will always love.  But he could not fulfill my needs, and I have to have my needs fulfilled.

So I used to think I couldn't live without him but I know I can and I want to.  Anything that I think I can't live without are probably things that I shouldn't be holding onto.  My need for Diet Coke isn't necessarily something that I would die without.  And even my pills for the bipolar...I could live without. At least I hope I would. But that's not something I'm willing to test.  I keep thinking that I have to have 52 oz of slushy from Quik Trip or I'll never get through the day, yet I do.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

There are so many people that have helped me over the years, to get to this place and time.

My parents for sacrificing so much of their time and love (and money) to make me safe within my world. For calling me all the time and getting me out of the house. And then just for being my friends too.  They truly love me and want me to be safe and happy.

My dog Milo.  Milo was with me when I went through my tough time when I was 23.  And he's been there for me through the divorce.  He is always going to love me and it really is because of him that I"m alive.  I so did not want to be alive but I couldn't leave him alone.

My friends in the program. For showing me what a sober way of life looks like. And that I don't have to drink to achieve that life.

The program...for all the promises that it gives me.

My friends outside the program that have stuck through the worst parts with me. Weathered my anger and lying.  Only to be there on the other side of the shit storm.  They are so patient.

And I guess the one thing that has made me feel like my life was worth living was me.  My life is worth living for because I am worth living.  I'm not going to be a famous person or filthy rich...but I've got a pretty good life. And so much to look forward to.  Why would I want to miss out on anything?  Pain or joy...it's a great way to experience things; to be present and willing.