Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

I knew I wasn't going to be able to do this everyday...sorry guys. Just got busy yesterday.

Unrealistically, I hope I never lose a loved one, that I'll never lose a job or a limb.  But I guess my real hope is that I hope I never lose my desire to live my life.  For so many years, I had zero desire to love, laugh or live.  I just was in so much pain being me that I truly hoped to die...anytime.  If I had an guts it would have been long ago.

But now I hope that I never go back to the way I used to be before I came in the program. That I have to think about all the ways to kill myself.  How I was hoping that it would just happen randomly. I never thought about what it would do to others, I just wanted to stop feeling pain.  To stop being so sad.

I hope I never have to lose my sense of self and what an amazing thing it is to be able to just breathe.  If that is my only job in life (to breathe) then I'm going to do my absolute best to continue to do what my higher power wants from me.

I just have to listen to him and wait for instructions.  I hope I'm listening...

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

I hope that I find the strength to be present in my life and stop thinking about all the things that I think are missing. Stop putting up barriers in my life that just keep me from experiencing the truth of the my life.  I'd like to be able to trust and love first and not automatically assume that everyone is out to get me.  I'd like to be fearless in the face of uncertainty.

I hope to find the courage to continue to try new things, to be open to others and I hope that I never lose that conscious contact with my higher power.  I hope that I am willing to continue to learn and grow from my program but also to learn and grow with those in my life that mean everything to me.

I hope that I come to understand what it means to truly love something.  To put all my faith and love into something without fear of rejection.  To know that I had given my all and that it's just good enough...not perfect but good enough.

I guess it boils down to I hope that I continue to be willing to do things differently because, on my own....I'm not capable of giving myself a life that I really do deserve and one that is worth hoping that it'll continue.